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I can say this ...you will not be stuck in disclosure period...when you are confident you have full disclosure. I guess the question I have is....is your wife knowingly lying?

Why not just get another polygraph with a different practitioner with good reviews?

She should not have a problem doing that if she is telling truth, especially since you came across that poor review.

Just explain to her you really WANT to trust her, but that has been shaken severely due to the revelation, as well as lying you have observed recently.

Could you talk to any of her "party" friends from that time? Just tell them you are confirming the story your wife has told you. You could even use some leading questions that are designed to bring out more. "So is it true my wife only had sex with J one time the night you were at the house?"

Another option is get her to a specialist that can do a true "Therapeutic Disclosure". These are facilitated by specialists who know how to do it. We never had to do one so I can't speak first hand how they work...but supposedly they do.

It sounds like you feel real pressured to "trust and move on". I am not sure why you are not giving yourself some grace. What happened is actually a pretty big deal. If roles were reversed, would her family be telling her to just move on? Would she be OK just moving on.

All that said, I have heard there are people who can effectively compartmentalized situations like this and just move forward.

I don't know friend, these things are such a mess. We are not meant for this kind of thing. Part of our fallen human condition.

I know this...God loves truth....ask Him to guide you.

James 1:5-6 KJV

[5] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. [6] But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 10:16 PM, Sunday, January 19th]

There was a counterattack waiting for me when I woke up this morning. Ww reminded me of a time some years ago she caught me looking at a girl on instagram. Asked me why, what was going through my head. I apologized.

She went on to say that thinking about these kinds of things is unbearable, that if she couldnt sleep, thinking about me looking at that girl, that my pain must be so much worse, and that I have to stop. That I need to stop looking into it, that I have to set it down.

My inclination is that she is seizing on things we talked about that my aunt said, rolling it into DARVO, trying to control.

I wrote her a message this morning about the things I did in our relationship over the years that missed the mark. Im sharing it now.

"I need to write something while I have time. You and I need to get square on the things I did wrong involving other women.

You are correct that I spoke to and with my exes a few times over the course of our early relationship, and conducted a conversation with (ex) last year when I learned about your affairs. Those conversations should not have happened. I own it, and I am sorry.

I will say that I never intended or wanted to restart things at any point, ever. Period. No physical or romantic desire for them on my end, whatsoever. The conversations were handshake, hows life, hope you are well, nice talking to you types of conversations. I did know you didnt want me to have them! You made your boundaries clear, and I still violated them. You arent wrong, or crazy. I am sorry.

I also looked at pornography, both early on in our relationship, and periodically from time to time throughout. Im sorry about that. It isnt defensible. If you want to define it as cheating, I would understand. I might disagree somewhat, but I understand. I know how much it hurts you, makes you feel you arent enough, and how angry you must feel about it. Im sorry.
It might help you to know that it was never about the girls, was never about desiring someone else. It was most often about situations relevant to sexual hangups and concepts that I developed. I frequently imagined you in those situations and concepts. I always found the idea of you being the center of attention most erotic. I would never want to be in those situations with anyone else.

I also looked at women on social media. Facebook and instagram is all i used. Repeating myself, Im sorry I did that. When I did that, I knew you were jealous and insecure about specifically not recieving all my attention. I did not engage, talk with, reach out to, or ever desire to. I only observed. My motivation to do that wasnt pure of heart. I hate that. im truly, very sorry. And theres no excuse. I knew better, I was in the wrong, I did look at them, and I am sorry. I told myself I wasnt hurting anyone by looking. I never got aroused by doing it. I dont think they were hotter than you. And they couldnt have taken me away from you for even a moment.

I hope you can forgive me for those things, but you obviously dont have to. Im not perfect pure snow. I was less pure than you are now before you ever had sex. You could probably argue that these things justify what happened in your affairs. I would only say that I never wanted more than we had. I may have wanted more with you, even to the point of sharing you. I see that was wrong. But i feel like you wanted the world for yourself and a defined measure of you for me. And Im hurt about that. Love you."

Anyways, my fun life.

You could probably argue that these things justify what happened in your affairs.

Why are you feeding into her desire to blameshift her MANY choices to cheat, which are NEVER justified by what you listed out?

Instead, I could only wish your mind shifted to: "You had every option to divorce me, or confront me, demand change, etc. Instead, you chose adultery. I will not accept a shred of blame for your evil choices. You could have chosen a non-evil course of action, but instead you dropped a nuclear bomb on our M when you could have walked away".

Ok....so there are things that you need to clear up...that is good. Repent to God and apologize as you have. But friend, there are differences.

Is she going to list every single time she watched a romance movie and imagined something romantic? Has she only ever flirted or looked with attraction at someone during her affair?

Are you taking the stand that a kid steeling a 5 cent piece of candy should experience the same consequences as a Bernie Madoff who stole hundreds of millions ruining many? Did those crimes take the same amount of planning, and intent? Did they hold the same amount of disregard and disrespect?

Yes...we are all sinners before God, and ALL need to be washed by Christ. We all are guilty and need a righteousness that is outside ourselves....one that Christ gives us. We need his forgiveness...period.

But we are talking a different thing here. This is about the practical working out of offences between you and your wife. There are different wounds. Different levels and types of healing. Can I ask this ....would your wife looking at a hunk on a magazine cover in the grocery store with longing eyes for a bit too long ....be the same as you having a 5 year affair, where you gathered a child with the AP, and proclaimed your love to the AP? See what I am saying? Do you treat a paper cut the same as a broken leg? Wounds are different and need different levels of care. Same with matters of the heart. Saying they are all equal is a complete smoke screen.

The more you describe her reactions, the more concerned I get that there is more...? But that is the problem with this crap....it drives you nuts until TRUTH is exposed.

Where do you want to go with this?

God surely is using this to bring you both to repentance....good thing. I see you are ready to be open and honest.

Is she?

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:35 PM, Monday, January 20th]