SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We’ve decided that he’ll move out after Christmas.

I’m feeling so disappointed and angry and feel like I have so much to say to him still but it feels pointless. I wrote it all down earlier and then had a good cry about it.

I’m just so frustrated. Why did it come to this? Why couldn’t he understand? Why couldn’t he do the work? Why have I spent the last year constantly thinking, researching, reading, watching videos, trying to come up with solutions to fix this while he not only did nothing of his own accord, but told me anything I sent him needed to be ‘peer reviewed’ for him to take it seriously? Why did he continue doing things that made me uncomfortable and untrusting? Why did me setting boundaries have to turn into arguments? Why have I spent so many nights at home alone while he’s out doing the things that I asked him not to do?

And now he’s looking all sad that I want to end things as if he did any real work to repair what he broke. It’s infuriating but also, just makes me really sad. I’m so disappointed with the way things have turned out. I don’t want to accept it, but I know I have to. I’m so mad at him for what he’s done to me and our family. I can barely look at him right now. I desperately want to reach out and beg him to do something, but I’m not going to do that.

Tortured, I am sorry that you are struggling today and this is a good place to get some support. Personally, I am going through a similar situation; DDay in early January and been going through things for almost a year now, 3 kids (17,14,11) and my WS has not put in the work. I read your post and identified with all of the questions, frustrations and anger that you have. I hope it can provide a little comfort to know that you are not alone and that there are friendly, understanding ears to listen to a rant. You are to be commended for making a tough decision and it is going to be tough at this time of year, but when you have done everything you can and it is right time for you then that is enough. Tomorrow is another day.

There is nothing worse than having to navigate this through the holidays.

My in house separation involved a massive reckoning over the new year, and it's something I'll never forget, lying there crying my eyes out and just raging at him for destroying everything.

Big hugs sweetie. There is a great life on the other side.

Well, I'd say that our stuff here IS peer reviewed. We're peers and we've reviewed it. It may fall more within the peer support realm rather than medical.

Please understand that his thought process is disordered and he doesn't think like you. I wouldn't be surprised if he qualified for a personality disorder.

He didn't do the work because he doesn't think he's wrong. Boundaries don't apply to him and he only cares about himself.

He's sad because he won't have "mom" at home to take care of things while he does whatever he wants. He's cake eating.

I'm sorry that you're hurting. At about a year, I realized my XWH wasn't doing the work. Another 6 before I pulled the plug. FWIW, life is so much better without my XWH and his bullshit. Frankly, it would have been better for my kids if I'd left earlier.

Give yourself grace. This isn't easy.

It is so sad, torturedpoet. My WS also did nothing proactive until I took big steps. This last round (separating) has seen sudden changes in both his behavior and his mindset (again), and I asked the same thing - why couldn't he have been like this after dday? Why does it take me threatening divorce to shake him out of his complacency?

I'm sorry it's happening around the holidays. This is such an emotionally charged time of year even without the pile on of your marriage dissolving. Virtual hugs to you.

Thank you so much for all of your comforting words.

There is a great life on the other side.

This really helped, FaithFool.

I wouldn't be surprised if he qualified for a personality disorder.

I have actually looked into this and found one where almost all of the 'symptoms' were spot on. He didn't take it well and we haven't spoken about it since.

I'm getting through as best as I can, though I am finding it hard. I'm really having to fight this need to explain to him AGAIN why this is happening and see if he can wrap his head around any of it, but I have been doing that most of the year, so why do I keep doing this to myself?

I've started making a list, every time something pops into my head, something 'bad' that he did or something he didn't do etc., I add it to the list. I'm calling it my 'Proof I'm making the right choice' list. I keep reading it every time I find myself yet again diving into researching how we could possibly fix this and that list reminds me that it is pointless. There is nothing more I can do if he won't listen and respond appropriately.

He keeps saying 'nothing's changed' for him at the moment. He's still saying 'love you' at the end of phone calls or when one of us leaves the house. He invited me out with his friends on the weekend - which I said no to, and asked him to stay at a friends so I'm not awake half the night wondering when/if he will come home. Even though when he told me about this night like a month ago (before he invited me, before I asked him to leave), I said 'Will you be coming home?' and I got a kind of 'If I have to' response, he now doesn't like that I don't want him to come home? And also, why would I go out with him and his friends right now? So we can fake smiles and pretend everything is good for a night? It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense to me. I cannot understand him at all.

Step back and look at him realistically. He is using you. You look after things because you are an adult. You recognize your responsibilities and take care of them. So he has someone holding down the fort while he galavants all over the place having a ball. Why would he want to get rid of you? You are dependable. He isn’t. He likes his life just the way it is. Too bad if you are in pain. That is not of interest to him.
You can’t change him. That is a useless waste of emotional energy.
Be your own friend. Take care of you. This stress will impact your future health so getting on with your life is the best thing you can do.

TP,

Why have I spent the last year constantly thinking, researching, reading, watching videos, trying to come up with solutions to fix this while he not only did nothing of his own accord, but told me anything I sent him needed to be ‘peer reviewed’ for him to take it seriously?

His "Peer Reviewed" comment really pushed my buttons. While I know it wouldn't have been helpful, I would have loved for you to tell him you should have had HIM peer reviewed before you married him. Just saying.....