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I've read a few of the older posts on resentment. I'm realizing I have a lot of resentment one-year post-DDay. I got VERY comfortable ruminating and daydreaming about what it might be like to leave. The resentment was causing anger and the anger was fueling my excuse to daydream about divorce. That lasted for 4-5 years.

Then for a couple of years before DDay I had been working on acceptance of my husband and his struggles (ADHD, OCD, low executive functioning). Realizing I've been over-functioning our entire relationship and then being resentful about it. When in actuality it served a purpose, codependency stuff, etc. I learned why we were drawn to one another, what we fostered and nurtured in one another etc., and what is no longer serving us. Except all of this insight was just growth on my end, not his. I was working on detaching from him to stop old codependent patterns. That detachment became more normal, he didn't know what the hell to do but avoid it (and later I learned to seek validation with another woman over text), which led to more resentment.

THEN DDAY hit and initially, I was like, "Here is my out" but fast forward a year and I'm stuck in limbo. I understand I have that option at any time. My mind feels guilty entertaining it now that he is growing and trying and doing many of the things I had been asking for. Codependence showing up? I love him dearly but I feel nothing for him romantically other than when I daydream and reminisce.

Since DDay the resentment list has grown in some ways, even though his current actions would have limited previous resentments. Makes me wonder if you do something new to cause resentment can you fix previous resentments? How long does it take? Why won't I let myself heal from previous resentments? A few examples;

I'm resentful that it took so much, maybe too much? for change to occur.
I'm resentful that it took potentially losing me to finally change, his pain vs seeing me in pain for years.
I'm resentful that it took ME discovering vs. disclosure.
I'm resentful that I had to hear about the kissing fling from the OW rather than him, despite my asking him first.

How do I work through this resentment? I still don't know if I want to stay or leave but I do know that I don't want to leave from a place of resentment. Of note, I start with a new therapist that offers EMDR and brain spotting.

There are certain changes he is making I foresee would have been incredibly helpful in the past but why don't they seem incredibly helpful now? Maybe I'm just in the category of "it's never enough"? It's like I have a wall up and don't want to allow it to be helpful now, out of resentment. Why does it feel good to hold on to this anger even though I know it's not good for me? Does that go away with enough time for consistent improvement?

Here are things we have been doing together to consistently address resentment; acknowledge, recognize, take responsibility, understand, appreciate, and forgiveness. I don't feel any movement on my end. He of course feels so much better. Add that to the resentment. All this work seems to be helping him but I continue to eat this shit sandwich.

Struggling with this. Any feedback is appreciated as always.

Long ago, IIRC, a therapist told me I'd be better off if I replaced 'resentment' with 'anger.' Resentment sort of turns in on itself. Anger empowers.

You're reporting a lot of good insight. I counsel patience. Change may seem to happen overnight, but there's usually a long preparatory stage.

The year after d-day may seem like an excruciatingly long time, but it isn't. It's just not enough time (for most of us) to know if R will succeed. It's a time of uncertainty. You've changed. You've seen changes in your WS. But you just don't know what the next year will bring.

Patience....

I'm divorced, but very much had a lot of resentment towards my XWS even before his A's came to light. I felt very much like you in that the A was my green light to leave the M yet I had such fear of breaking up the family, not losing xWS.

My xWS did not put in the work nor was he remorseful. My resentment ate me alive. My fear kept me in Limbo.

Maybe give yourself a timeline and if you don't feel any better and resentment the same by that time, it could very well have been a dealbreaker as it was for me. Took me forever to leave my M. You will figure out what is best for YOU in time. Just keep working on yourself.

Thank you for the patience reminder...

A couple popped up just yesterday

1.) I reflected on a text he sent AP last year, "I'm at the park we met at when it rained" and got thinking...he told me they went to the park after a work lunch together, but the text makes it sound like they met up there?! I asked him about it and he doesn't remember. Doesn't surprise me as he is not detail-oriented at all. Also, he passed a polygraph and he has provided all the information he can recall. Which led me to this realization. I have a high level of resentment he kept this secret for so long. Long enough he can't recall and I'll never know the full story.

2.) Turns out he may have to go to work training (very unusual for him) and there is a slight chance the OW he was flirting/inappropriately texting with last year will be there. I am resentful that he was so short-sighted to put us in this situation.

How do you heal from old resentments when you are still impacted by the ripple effect of betrayal?
Just patience? Consistent trust building?

ugh

Turns out he may have to go to work training (very unusual for him) and there is a slight chance the OW he was flirting/inappropriately texting with last year will be there. I am resentful that he was so short-sighted to put us in this situation.

Is there a virtual option for this training? I can't imagine in 2024 there wouldn't be.

How do you heal from old resentments when you are still impacted by the ripple effect of betrayal?

Wouldn't we all like to know. Proven behavior over time is key here. And even if you are yourself healed - scar tissue can be a bitch and phantom pain is a thing. Be gentle to yourself when hurting.

@Chaos I could see them doing a virtual training for everyone instead. I'll know more in a month.

How do you heal from old resentments when you are still impacted by the ripple effect of betrayal?
Just patience? Consistent trust building?

As Sisoon noted, some of the feelings you’re talking about sound like good old fashioned, healthy anger.

It is well earned anger, and it helped me a lot to feel it, vent it and process it. To me it sounds like it took a while for you to fully process where you’re at and what you need, which is all normal stuff. Now you’re getting to that point where you are forming new boundaries regarding what you need and want from ANY relationship going forward. That’s a big step to me, once I knew what I wanted, I was able to share those requirements.

If it is more than traditional anger, then I processed that in a different way.

Resentment — that form of roiling indignation that some of us hold on to — that can fall into an unhealthy area over time.

The old saying, "resentment is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die," really hit home for me.

Ultimately, whether you stay or go, you want to process all of the anger you can, and then eventually (at your own pace) let go of the lingering resentments to heal up.

Your husband earning trust, to me, is a different aspect — that’s more about healing the M than you. And he will have to take the lead on that, showing you with actions, lots and lots of actions versus any new verbal promises.

A different therapist (I moved 800 miles) told me anger was a sign that one wanted something to change in their life.

Further, there are 2 types of anger.

One type we can't do anything about. None of us can change the fact that our WSes cheated . If you can't change it, give up the anger. That may require feeling the anger and expressing it in some way, but the way to deal with it is to let it go.

The other type of anger comes from something that you can (possibly) change. We can deal with that type of anger by deciding what we're willing and able to do and doing it.

*****

The best exercise I've learned for dealing with anger is to sit a table with pen or pencil and paper and writing and completing the sentence:

'I'm angry about _____'

or

'I'm angry that _____.'

I've been told to limit myself to 5 minutes, but I've always started laughing at myself within 2 minutes.

I think you're missing some important point of what resentment provides for you personally. I'm not sure what that is, but it's worth exploring.

To me, resentment is anger at older, past behavior; and anger is the more immediate response to someone's actions.

I think in my life, resentment has been a remembrance and protection against being hurt again in the same sort of manner by the same person or similar person. I have had resentment toward my father for his treatment of our family. Yet I still kept inviting him back into my life in different ways. And I would continue to get hurt by his continued behavior. Then I would feel stupid and foolish and promise myself I wouldn't do it again.

For my husband, I think his resentment served a different purpose. He has had continued resentment toward teachers and authority figures from his childhood. I never understood it. He had learning challenges, and I think his resentment toward their treatment and dismissal of him served as a motivator to prove himself and achieve success.

After the affair, I immediately had tons of anger. It didn't hit at 6 months or a year like many recount here. The purpose (and warning) for me seemed to be embodied in the lyrics of an Indigo Girls song.

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
And I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it
And I'm crawling on your shore

Replace fear with anger, and that's how I felt. Anger felt like a protective blanket.

Oh, I love that @ KitchenDepth

Also I agree with you 100%, resentment is doing something for me. Maybe martyrdom? Validation? Protection?

WOW, I needed to read all of this today. Thank you! This overlapping of long-term resentment and anger is something I need to explore. Yes, holding on to resentment is serving some purpose, and definitely holding me back from progress.

Thanks for the new topic at my next IC, lol! This group is amazing!