SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Counting sixth year into R, I had an illogical dream about why I gave my husband a second chance to continue with our marriage. At that time we were 40 years together.

This dream unsettled me more than I thought it would as I’m finding myself looking for I don’t know what.

It’s like I’m questioning my decision to give him a second chance. I feel shame right now, in giving my husband who left me for his AP on d-day. They lived together until he wanted to return to familiarity and he claims , me. The dream triggered something for me.

Shame is feeling that I did something wrong. It’s a strong feeling. I have no regrets though. Just a feeling of shame today.

Please don’t tell me to go to therapy. I’d much rather hear from anyone who has felt something similar.

It sounds logical to me.

After the very unique trauma, the emotional freight train that hits us — that’s a lifetime of recovery, in my very humble estimation.

I do feel safe now. I am very happy I offered the second chance, or as I prefer to call it, the LAST chance.

However, all of that flight or flight vibe that happened in the months and years of dealing with what is real and what is not, that exacts a toll.

I still find that my brain will take an opportunity now and then to protect me. Whether it is a dream or nightmare or daytime musing, my mind will do a check to make sure reality is….real.

Shame could be your brain checking in for the 10,000th time to make sure you are good with your choice.

Doubt at some level is extremely normal to me.

Being vulnerable with the person who hurt us is the part that’s not logical. It’s a leap of faith that our partners will finally be who we need them to be.

For me, shame isn’t one of those shadows anymore. It’s more like looking over my shoulder now and again, to do a checklist regarding my life’s direction — that I’m still on the path I want to be on, with the person I’m with kind of stuff.

You could remind yourself the only thing you did was love your spouse and give a chance (deserved or not).

No shame in that.

Even if life moves off the rails again, I’ll always be able to look myself in the mirror and be glad I did all I could to hold up my end of things.

I get this! I so get this at times. I continually remind myself that I CHOSE me by choosing what was best for ME and me only and that is something to be proud of. No one, but me has to know about or understand the reasons behind my choices. There should be no shame in choosing your best life.

I get this! We've been married a long time, like you. These feelings pop up in dreams, daily thoughts and odd moments for me. I feel so foolish on days he is being a jerk. I wish I could just NOT think of those things, even for a whole day. That would be a real gift!

It’s strange how a dream can impact us so much when we wake up. I remember having a dream once where the AP tried to apologise to me (hahaha) and did it put me in a bad mood for quite a while.

There has been a few times on here where I have posted how worried I am I’ve made a mistake to stay. In those posts I have so many responses that have said ‘you have made the right choice for you at that point of time’ And I just have to remind myself of that

My thoughts are that shame is experienced much differently among individuals, from male to female, betrayed to wayward. Then consider age, upbringing, religion, it is so unique from one individual to another.

My perspective is from a betrayed male. I will describe it from the 23 year old boy and then the 60 year old grandfather and maybe a few points in between.

My WW and I were together for close to 4 years and married for 2 when the affair started. Her boss was coming onto her and she gave in. He was 30 and she 22 year's old. In today's world he would be in considerable trouble being in a position of authority. She had 3 sexual partners before me, then the AP. She is my one and only sexual partner. This multiplies the shame factor for a betrayed male

My shame response is in two parts. The 23 year old boy was shamed although I didn't have a word for it then. I only felt horrible, sick, I had no words for it. I couldn't talk to anyone and suffered in silence. We rug swept and white knuckled for the next 30 plus years.

The 60 year old learned my daughter has felt the sting of infidelity from her husband. This sent me spiraling backwards and floods of emotion have nearly paralyzed me. I know you don't want to hear about counseling but I finally sought help and it has kept me from losing my mind.

With my counselors' help I have looked back and put words to my shame then and now.

Then I was emasculated, I compared myself to AP, he taller more athletic a white collar professional. Me a blue collar mechanic. I've felt inferior most of my marriage.

Now with help from my counselor I have a better opinion of myself. The 60 year old grandfather shame is me beating up the 23 year old boy for not taking action against her or the AP.

My new shame is what if I did blow up their world, which I would have gone down too. Today I wouldn't have my 3 kids who are wonderful productive members of the community who respect their parents immensely. Also I wouldn't have my beautiful grandchildren.

The shame never completely goes away. You can learn to deal with in a more productive way.

I give myself permission to change my mind at any time. Do you feel somehow committed to the second chance you are giving him?

If at some point I feel strongly I've made the wrong decision, I'll change my mind. Of course there are some days where I question it briefly, but it it generally a continuous burning question on my mind.

So if it passes, it passes. If it doesn't, ask yourself if you want to change your mind.

Thank you all for your insights. Reading your comments helped me put my shame trigger into perspective and had me thinking through
what was I looking for when I posted this.

I have dreams that have me problem solve anything. This was my trigger that had me questioning choosing a LAST chance.(thank you for that Oldwounds).

My husband and I are both committed to our marriage. We both know we can change our minds. I know my reasons for my choices to continue having my best life( OnTheOtherSideOfHell). I am proud of my own healing journey.

I think I am "carrying" my husband's shame on my shoulders. The shame of his lies, betrayals et. It looks like that is what I was searching to solve in that crazy dream. I know I can't solve his shame, I know I should not feel his shame. So I won't.

And I sure hope I don't have more dreams about infidelity consequences!

I have a LOT in common with many folks on this thread. But this message is mostly in response to NotABoringWife.

In 2020 I had a "re-awakening" about my decision back in 1980 to stay after discovering my wife's affair. In short, the affair spanned our engagement, wedding and continued beyond our honeymoon. Like you, this launched a long period (3+ years)of gut wrenching over the events from 40 years ago...........

........Ultimately, I decided to stay.

Am I ashamed of that decision? No.

What I AM ashamed of are these two items:

1. No shame over my decision....but shame and anger that it was simply the least damaging choice out of several very bad ones. I certainly didn't ask for the hand of cards I was dealt. Over the years we've reared two children and are blessed two fabulous daughters-in-law and two grandchildren we both love dearly. Back when I originally decided to stay, they weren't around. But they are now and must be part of any equation. Each of the other choices I have would negatively impacted all of them and possibly even hurt my/our relationships with them. They don't know about the affair and certainly didn't ask for the fall-out that would occur if/when I left and they found out why. Why create collateral damage?

2. While I don't regret my decision to stay the second time, I do feel strong shame and tons of regret that I didn't throw her out and divorce her when I initially found out 40 years ago. Stupid, stupid, stupid mistake on my part.

So, are you ashamed of your decision to stay?

Or, are you angered by the fact you had to settle between nothing but bad options?

For me, it's the latter.

RaleighGuy—- your words really struck a chord with me even though this wasn’t my post. You really hit the nail on the head for me. I’m angry that I had two shitty choices: stay and work on my marriage and deal with the pain or leave and guess what? Deal with pain.
Sorry to hijack the thread but I just wanted you to know that words really helped me today.

AdLarue - agree. The fact the only two choices I had were both shitty was something I struggled with for sooo long. I think I told my husband this fact at least 50 times in arguments.

Thanks for the responses! I've been relatively sure I wasn't the only person who was left with only horrific options to choose between. Nice to hear from others who were placed in the same dilemma as my own. I can say with totally honesty I know exactly how you feel.

It doesn't help knowing I could (should) have avoided all this by simply leaving her when the affair was discovered shortly after we married. That decision has been the proverbial "gift that keeps on giving". Nothing can be done to change that now. So I vowed to do everything in my power to make the very, very best out of the decision I made. I have regrets about some stuff, but I'm bound and determined NOT to let her traitorship blacken any of my remaining years.

It's about ME now.

I get that. To the core. Much like This0is0Fine I tell myself I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.

The shame is real. My brain knows the shame is on WH for having done this to me. My heart knows it has shown him the most extreme grace in reconciliation. But...the shame of having been betrayed and staying can be overwhelming at times. Not as all consuming this far out, but it still rears it ugly head.

Everyone in society these days is on Team Pitchforks and Kick Cheater to the Curb. Very very few are on Team Support for Reconciliation.

The dream was a trigger for sure. Lizard Brain seldom takes a break. And you are allowed to react to it. You are allowed to feel what you feel when you feel it. And if that is shame today, purge your system of it and stand up again.

Ashamed for choices made a LONG time ago when info was in short supply?

Nah.

Do-overs? Well - until someone provides a time-machine for such a return to way-back-when?

Nah.

Regret? A little

Has life been good? Yes for 95% or more.

Is she a good wife? Yes - now

People Grow with age (mentally) and values change (mature?) to something that will stand test of time.

Happy Now? Yes

Happy about choice I made to stay? Yes

What if?
If I had tossed her to the bin 4 decades ago - I would had started the Merry-Go-Round of finding a partner all over.
I figured "best to deal with the Devil you know rather than gamble on a new one."

All the above - Just to say life is a constant gamble. Each day can be a "another calm one or - a major panic" so you you make choices constantly.

You must learn to accept the consequences of your choices and live with them.

Some choices end up needed an change of course in life direction.

Others? YOu have to accept you got delt a hand you didn't want to play and lost anyway.

Game long over - so move on with what you now have.

If good - you really are winning

If life not good - you face the need to change or continue your unpleasant situation.

If you are unhappy now - YOU must work to find a path to happiness. Dwlling on past decisions is not something to
put into the mix of thoughts on how to work to find your future happiness.

Wish you well -

I was lucky enough(!) to be hit with betrayal well into the 2nd half of my life. I knew a lot about life.

Looking back, I gave myself a respite from wishful thinking. I connected with the proposition that I was where I was, even though I wanted to be someplace else. I realized my only choice was to decide how I was going to proceed from that point in time and space and whatever other dimensions there are.

I thought in term of, say, 'What can I do to maximize my pleasure and joy from now on?'

That let me imagine and choose between 2 positive paths. Then I chose the one I wanted after forcing myself to get in touch with as much as I was feeling as possible - anger, fear, grief, shame, joy, love, etc. Since I chose what I wanted, I found it pretty easy to say to myself, 'Shut up, Shame. You already had a voice in the decision to R.' It would have been even easier if my WS hadn't ben remorseful, though the immediate pain might have been worse. I've had to say that more than once - I've had to deal with shame, too.

I recommend rereading Oldwounds' and This0is0Fine's posts.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:01 PM, Friday, September 6th]