SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I shared my story about 2 weeks ago here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663052/9-years-later-im-still-a-broken-man-ive-never-shared-my-story-with-anyone-so-ill-do-it-here/

This has been one of the most intense and frankly bizarre "episodes" I've had in 9 years. I've gone through what I can only describe as re-traumatization. I would say the way I've felt this past 2 weeks is utterly identical to the feelings I went through on D-day and the days that followed. I went through the entire process of discovery, shock, anger, depression all over again. The AP, who is now long gone and a ghost of the past, was as real to me as the chair I'm sitting on. I was terrified of him and what he did again. My wife could barely remember his name. That's how different we are.

I appear to be re-experiencing stages.

Reading back over my earlier post here, I can see that I wrote that at the height of my anger. I was angry. I painted a bleak picture of my life and told her I was thinking about divorce. It became obvious to me that this was my only ammunition to hurt her with empty threats of something I would never do at this point in our lives.

I just wanted her to cry.

I then hit an absolute slump and became extremely sad - the smallest little things would have me crying my eyes out.

Then the need to hug and hold my wife at every single waking opportunity. Like, over-the-top clingy behavior. "I just need to hold you". Then tears. She's taking care of our young kids and I'm sulking like man baby needing her to stop everything, ignore the kids, and hold me. Makes me feel pathetic and a failure as a father in that moment.

Then "hysterical bonding" sex. We had sex the other night and it was the most intensely loving sex I've had in 9 years. It wasn't horny sex either. Just this intense need to be as physically close to her (in her) as possible. Need for extreme intimacy and love. The whole time, I was adoring her and telling her how perfect she is. I cried happy tears during sex.

She loved this (since sex is usually dirty and transactional since D-day) and she felt loved. But then I read about hysterical bonding and made me realize it's probably just another coping mechanism for me and not authentic. It made me happy because in that moment, she was the girl I loved before we married and there was no stain or dirt when I looked at her (I wish I could feel that way forever). The sex we had a few nights ago is what I wish we had on our wedding night.

I'm realizing now how real the grief is. When she told me she cheated all those years ago, I felt like she died. The girl I adored and saw so much innocence in had passed away and left me. I continued on for 9 years married to someone else - still loved her, but keeping myself safe and guarded from a woman I now saw as sexually dangerous. This led to her feeling miserable at times because our marriage "lacked joy".

I read over past conversations (messages on Facebook) around the time she cheated, and I get so sad. I could have saved her - and us. It's like that scene from Interstellar where the guy looks back at a moment in his life screaming for making a wrong choice. I saw her going over the cliff and I could of stopped it. Here's the scene I'm talking about: https://youtu.be/GIUhpzv47YQ

I need to find a way to process this grief, accept the historical event and stop re-traumatizing myself. To be honest, I think my earlier post here may have made this far worse as it was the first time I wrote my experience out and shared it with other people. I supposed that's the risk you face when sharing is that it can make things worse.

I tried one therapy session last week. It was a CBT therapist. Didn't really see much potential for help there but maybe I need to give it a chance over time. I'd prefer to try EMDR - from what I've heard as I'd rather a faster solution than years of grueling talk therapy.

One thing the therapist did help with was telling me about "reassurance behaviors". For 9 years, I've periodically looked at photos of the AP online. It's an obsessive thing. Just need to stare at a photo of him. I've built up these mind movies and images of him being extremely attractive, tall and better than me, yet when I look at his photos online, I just see a fat, old, ugly guy. My mind shows me a guy who's stronger than me, yet I look at his photo and see frailty. So it reassures me that he's not better than me. I'm utterly obsessed with things like this and now I'm realizing the damage that's been done to my own image.

Regardless, she saw something in him at the time. What that was I may never fully understand.

Questions for those of you who have gone through therapy:

1. When it comes to therapy for myself, to what extent does the WS play a role in that recovery (especially much further on like we are now)? For example, if I'm seeking reassurance, is this something I need to arrive at within myself (so I don't need my wife to reassure me), or does my wife play a role in validating me as an aid to recovery?

2. Likewise, confusion about small details and facts. Even though it's all been said and repeated a million times, when do you get to a point where the small details "no longer matter" and you just accept it was bad and move on? I'm still obsessed over small details related to how she viewed me at the time, how they interacted verbally, what motivated her to stop seeing him (was it fear of being caught, was it guilt, was it realizing she loved me and this was wrong - so many potential answers here)? I need to establish at this point what's actually helpful for my own healing, and what's just kicking a dead horse and dragging us both through the mud with details.

3. Is EMDR the best way forward in my situation? I don't want to get in a trap of talk therapy - much of psychology to me is like chiropractors - they want to get you in on a long term plan and make you addicted to sessions. Major skepticism and trust issues with therapists.

[This message edited by tonygameel at 2:40 AM, Saturday, July 13th]

Google on Reconsolidation of Traumatic Memories (RTM) treatment. It is a fairly new modality with proven success rate, but not well known. There have been double-blind studies done, and I know there is an ongoing clinical study with the US Military VA system as they look at for dealing with PTSD. I heard about it through an article in the Washington Post titled " The best PTSD treatment you’ve never heard of". Google it.

The comments are worth reading. The first comment (newest)…whoa…that is interesting…

An Update:

I just read over one of the suggested websites below describing RTM’s protocol for separating the event from the emotion.

I recently stumbled upon that concept myself, and it seemed to work for me.

Many years ago my wife had an affair that resulted in our divorce. The trama wasn’t as bad as others have experienced, but I t did bring up lots of stress whenever I thought of it.

This summer would be 30 years and I pulled out my stack of paperwork, letters and such, from that period. For years just looking at the folder would stress me out.

I read through the material as if I was reading a book or watching a movie involving an immature pretty girl with issues trying to navigate a situation that got out of control and left her confused and susceptible. At the time, her choices affected me deeply. This time the emotion was gone.

It took a long time for me to finally resolve my stress—30 years. If it works for others soon after the precipitating event, then let’s give it a try.

Tony, I found a therapist who's trained in EMDR therapy. Been at it weekly for over 6 months. My first initial therapist shortly after DDay was someone nice to talk to to get it all out and had a reassuring disposition, but he just wasn't trained in trauma. My current therapist is actually good at getting to the source of the trauma. We don't always use EMDR techniques, but when a new source of tauma/pain arrives in my life, we will utilize it to learn it's true source. Honestly it amazes me how using that technique while focusing on a single point of the trauma/effects can single out or identify a contributing factor that otherwise went unnoticed. We then process and continue to dig.

To the question of your spouses involvement, for me, it was zero. Through my sessions I've learned/am learning to not rely on anyone else to meet my needs. I wish my wife could be there to meet my emotional needs, but I'm gaining strength in myself and becoming stronger and less codependent. Codependency was one of my issues. Hope I was able to give you more insight. If there's anything more specific you'd like info on, by all means, fire away with questions. I'm here for you.

Is EMDR the best way forward in my situation? I don't want to get in a trap of talk therapy - much of psychology to me is like chiropractors - they want to get you in on a long term plan and make you addicted to sessions. Major skepticism and trust issues with therapists.

1) EMDR can help.
2) I urge you to read about the "Drama Triangle'. Something - probably fear of some sort - is keeping you in the Victim role. You've tried to solve this for 9 years. IMO, your bets way through this is

1) decide what you want to change about yourself;
2) find a good therapist;
3) do the work.

A 'good therapist' is one who says they are willing and able to help you achieve your goals and who follows that up by guiding you to your goals using your strengths based on your decisions.

There is no easy way out of the grief, anger, and fear that you feel. You need to own those feelings. You need to own your actions. Then you need to decide on your actions in the future.

You're afraid that some therapist will grab hold of you for years? You - not the therapist - are in charge of what you do in therapy. Really. You have the power of choice.

I'm going through EMDR currently. I think I was desperately pursuing it in the hope it would cause some kind of "amnesia".
It doesn't of course. Unfortunately!. And it doesn't change your feelings or opinions.
But it does genuinely lower your response to triggers and each memory or flashback you work on becomes...distant, blurry, it's hard to describe.
And it's hard work. You have to pick one image at a time and do a session on each one.
I have a list and my psych doesn't make me tell her the details of any of the items on it. Always leaves that to me.
Because some I'm still too ashamed to verbalise, even to her.
But when you try to visualise the memory or image after a session, you get a kind of far away pixellated image that quickly vanishes and you don't get those traumatised feelings any more. No racing heart or sensation of being punched in the gut as if you're right there again..
I do talking therapy too. But my psychologist describes EMDR as more of a practical tool and her belief is that you can't work through your feelings and make clear decisions whilst your head is crowded with panic,flashbacks, rushing cortisol and intrusive thoughts.
Hope that's helpful.
Also, do check the therapist's qualifications. Mine worked with veterans for several years and knows what she's doing .

Tony Gameel - what a great name! I am so sorry to hear your story and fully understand what you are going through. This will continue to eat at you until you find the resolution you are seeking. This is based on two things mainly - absolute truth and real demonstrable remorse - you have had neither. When I was younger, I too made the mistake of rug sweeping my emotions so as not to disrupt a marriage.

I think you and I might come from a similar background. Let's see if my intuition is in tact - I am going to name countries and you can fill in the blanks (in your own mind) - wife: Palestine or Jordan; you: Lebanon or Syria (or possibly Iraq); country of work: Dubai (or possibly Saudi). All of you Christians. If I am right reach out to me and I may be able to offer some advice.

Take care my friend.