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Newest Member: Marie0126

General :
No Empathy?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 SadieMae (original poster member #42986) posted at 5:50 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

So many of us seem to struggle with the lack of empathy from our partners. For over 10 years I have been working with my WH and trying to get him to own his shit and give me some understanding and empathy.

He's incapable.

He has started working with a new counselor. I think he is taking it seriously, but who really knows, right?

He believes there is "something wrong" with him. And he says he is unable of empathy for anybody or anyone or anything.

I don't even know what that means...

Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8841966
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 8:42 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

He's incapable.

You have your answer. It's been 10 years. If he hasn't owned his shit by now, I don't know what could magically change his mind now.

He believes there is "something wrong" with him. And he says he is unable of empathy for anybody or anyone or anything.

Maybe he is disordered. Maybe this is pathological - there are various personality types where this is a legitimate deficit. I'm no expert. At this point though, does it matter what the cause is? From your perspective, he's not a safe partner and never has been. He's telling you that.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2169   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8842019
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 11:15 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

You know how people use the metaphor of put your own oxygen mask first before you help someone else? With your WH he is saying he will put on his mask and then try to find a parachute and escape, saving only himself.

In way, at least he’s being upfront and saying he doesn’t have empathy. Most try to pretend or mimic it.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 528   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8842044
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:18 AM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

I would also suggest he most likely is disordered. That's of course no excuse for his behavior. It's also not a reason you should endure any further abuse. Which he almost certainly will continue with if he genuinely lacks empathy. You are not any different to him than a toy, car, or any other object. He only "cares" about you if you happen to be fun to play with at the moment. He will pick you up and set you down at his leisure.

Given such a confession, I would have to assume he believes he will benefit from such a confession, or else he wouldn't confess.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2841   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8842051
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 SadieMae (original poster member #42986) posted at 3:09 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2024

Thank you for the replies.

I wondered if others had spouses who were completely and self-proclaimed empathy indifferent.

I wonder if there is a board for those who live in limbo?

Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8842631
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BRBLife ( new member #75288) posted at 4:12 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2024

My WH told me he felt no emotions for anyone following the death of his mother 9 years ago. I see less and less ability to empathize from him aa the years go by. What I do see, I feel is likely a show. He is a salesman and can persuade very well. So yes, in my case that lack of empathy is definitely there in my husband. Was he always like that and I missed it? Maybe. Someone here recently said that maybe I love who I thought he was, and that appears to be spot on.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2020
id 8842637
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:41 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2024

Thank you for the replies.

I wondered if others had spouses who were completely and self-proclaimed empathy indifferent.

I wonder if there is a board for those who live in limbo?

"Reconciliation" usually. :)

My signature used to be "I'm gonna do the limbo rock all around the limbo clock".

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2841   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8842658
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 8:25 AM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2024

My WW lacks empathy too. My IC and I have discussed this at length and my IC thinks that it is highly likely that she is incapable. She believes she has suffered trauma from the loss of her mother at age 10 and then the loss of her father at 22. Shortly after her mother passed, her older sister graduated high school and left for college and never came back. So based on a lot of that my IC sees someone who has been abandoned and learned to keep to herself. Something is blocking her from engaging, but to get out of this place, she likely will need 6 months to a year of intensive therapy. Still no guarantee it would help her as she doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with her. 🤷🏼‍♂️

posts: 316   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8842690
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:50 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2024

I wondered if others had spouses who were completely and self-proclaimed empathy indifferent.

Mine was empathy deficient and also self-proclaimed but tried to dress it up with more word-salad rolleyes my xWS described his lack of empathy as "I can only feel with the skills that I have." Whatever dude.

I wonder if there is a board for those who live in limbo?

Don't do it, Limbo that is. I tried it and paid dearly for it. Wouldn't ever suggest this as a healthy, maintainable option. You will also suffer in silence it's a prison of it's own.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24

posts: 8925   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8842732
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 11:02 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2024

My EXWW lacked empathy for me. I fact,she la ked the ability to feel for people. Ithink it's a combination of her FOO issues and the fact that she is most likely o the spectrum. Here's some examples. When I had food poisoning and was vomiting g all over the bathroom,she told me to stop being so dramatic. When my mother died a d I was heart broken, she couldn't identify with my grief, so walked away and did something else. When I was suicidal, she dropped me off in front of the ER and drove away. She refused to accompany me to my surgery and then laughed at me as I I hobbled out of the hospital. When I Complained that her A put my health and life at risk, she told me to stop being dramatic because no one dies of AIDS anymore.

I could go on...

Some people are just broken. In my case, my EXWW is just a shit human being. You can manage but never fix a disorder.

In a rare moment of honesty, she did admit that she didn't really know what love was. For her, everything was transactional.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 11:04 PM, Tuesday, July 16th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:57 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced

posts: 1875   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8842755
Topic is Sleeping.
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