SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Agree on the blocking. You not wanting to do that is because you want to protect the ap from more pain. But the best thing not to draw out his pain is to go NC and don’t leave the door open. As long as you keep doing that it leaves him to hope. He needs to let go of the hope so he can move on. It sounds like he had a lot of pain in his marriage, it’s better for you to let him go.

And if you can’t, then go be with him because you can’t have both. It’s just the truth of the matter. The longer you draw this out for yourself the more pain you will be in, and you need all your energy for your marriage and family if this has any shot at making it. No new contact- no new hurts.

It's true. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt my husband. I want to feel like I tried my best for my husband but I'm really trying to keep 2 people from getting hurt more than just 1 and it's more work. Like I said, he said he was deleting the app so I'm hoping that allows him to move on. I also asked him to delete all pictures and videos of me and he said he would. So if he's done that, it will be easier for him to move on.

One last thought that someone said when I was new and it stuck. Our butterflies don’t come on as strongly when we are just receiving. Our butterflies are felt when you take time and effort to show your love. I try and pick something every day that makes my husbands days a bit brighter. A lot of times it’s something small. Taking one of his usual tasks or making his favorite meal. And the dedication that I have taken to that has been eye opening on how much those little things influence our marriage.

I'm not even looking for butterflies, I don't need that, I just want to feel plain old attraction and warmth like I want to be in his arms and feel like that's where I should be.

Further how fair is it to your BH that he is giving you all of the things you need while you seemingly just go to IC and keep the status quo because you’re too proud to live in a tiny apartment scraping by with your children? What are you actively doing with him and for him to heal? I don’t really understand why you’re allegedly trying to fix a marriage you’ve been checked out of for years? If you really believe your BH is abusive to your children, again why keep your kids in a volatile environment??

I'm not trying to keep the status quo; I've thought about going to therapy for years but my husband's issues seemed more emergent so he started first. I'm engaging with him more and kissing him in the morning, sleeping in our bed, and trying to be more engaging instead of off by myself somewhere. I never thought he was abusive but then my therapist said he was and like I said earlier, he does tick some abusive trait boxes. I guess not enough for me to be clear about leaving. It's not about pride why I don't want to live in an apt somewhere, it just sounds unnecessary atm. I grapple with why am I here and it's bc of security and my kids. Honestly, the reasons why most ppl stay marrried when they shouldn't. Nothing earth shattering there.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 12:43 AM, Thursday, June 13th]

Further how fair is it to your BH that he is giving you all of the things you need while you seemingly just go to IC and keep the status quo because you’re too proud to live in a tiny apartment scraping by with your children? What are you actively doing with him and for him to heal? I don’t really understand why you’re allegedly trying to fix a marriage you’ve been checked out of for years? If you really believe your BH is abusive to your children, again why keep your kids in a volatile environment??

I'm not trying to keep the status quo; I've thought about going to therapy for years but my husband's issues seemed more emergent so he started first. I'm engaging with him more and kissing him in the morning, sleeping in our bed, and trying to be more engaging instead of off by myself somewhere. I never thought he was abusive but then my therapist said he was and like I said earlier, he does rock some abusive trait boxes. I guess not enough for me to be clear about leaving. It's not about pride why I don't want to live in an apt somewhere, it just sounds unnecessary atm. I grapple with why am I here and it's bc of security and my kids. Honestly, the reasons why most ppl stay marrried when they shouldn't. Nothing scandalous there.

. Right after Dday my WW tried to tell me that AP was a great guy, she did go NC right away but she missed him, she admitted it to me. Later she told me it was not really him she missed but the chemical hit her brain got from him. Today almost 5 years later, her A and AP make her sick to think about, she absolutely hates infidelity because she sees it for what it is, broken people trying to use each other to fix something inside them. You have to block him, and hopefully start to despise him, he is an enemy of your family.

I would never tell my husband I miss ap. It is chemical high, for sure, but for me it's also how he interacted with my kids. If he hadn't shown that side, I never would've fallen for him.

Soon after this happened we talked about that and he said "I can't keep going like this without any type of intimacy" and I said well what if I never feel it again for you would you be open to having sex outside the marriage? And he said "Yes. Not that that's what I want because I want the emotional connection too..."

I understand that your situation is complex. I'm not sure I have much advice beyond this...If you have any hope of resurrecting this marriage, I would advise you to stop with this kind of language like yesterday. Like last decade. Like stop trying to railroad him into polyamory.

It's perfectly ok to tell him that you're not down for sex, and that you're not sure that you can rekindle that fire. But to bring the idea of others into the mix at this point is straight up cruelty.

Ellie,

What would your BH say if he found your posts? What would he say if he found out that you have still been talking to AP and that you care more about not hurting AP than him?

You know it’s wrong because you haven’t told him, have you. Does he know that AP has sex pics/vids of you? You rejected him for 3 years, still reject him now, but made vids with your AP, but you are too scared to hurt him to block him. Oh but you don’t want to hurt your BH. But you will still take his money and live in his house no problem.

I meant what I said in both you are a BS’s absolute worst nightmare and I hope every new BS reads this entire thread before they consider R.

Good luck with your next affair. Be smarter next time and don’t do it in your house. If you can’t see everything I’m saying, and think I’m being a jerk then you haven’t heard a single thing I’ve said.

I know you are trying to understand but maybe reading this thread a few months later IF you actually remain NC will help you see this more clearly. It is like watching a train wreck in super slow motion… we are all waiting for it to derail because that is what will happen on its present course unless something changes.

[quote If he hadn't shown that side, I never would've fallen for him]

So you had no choice to be faithful? It just happened and you couldn’t control it? There are plenty of people out there who in this same situation didn’t betray their vows and morals. Why did you? This statement is very much about avoiding responsibility and blame shifting. I know in your mind these statements make sense because you have been clinging to them as justification for why you did what you did and you don’t want to face the painful truth that you are the villain in this story. My wife said "AP pursued me like no one I had ever known and I was desperate for that feeling." So? She now sees that it had nothing to do with what AP did or didn’t do. She was willing to discard me and her vows over a temporary emotional high.

You are still very much presenting as someone dreamily believing their AP is just so amazing. Wanting to not hurt him IS 1000% an active choice to hurt your husband. It is impossible to not hurt both. So who is more important to you? Right now it is coming across that AP is no matter what you say. Actions.

Demanding no contact ever with AP, ever, even if reconciliation failed, was mandatary. That was rule 1.

Unless I'm misunderstanding...If reconciliation failed and you divorced how can you enforce this rule? Do you mean you'd never speak to her again or...? This is not something that is realistic. Once someone is divorced they are free to see whomever they want. Of course it is in horrible taste to date an ap, which is why I said I couldn't do it, but maybe I'm misunderstanding anyway.

Oddly enough, in our community, there are rampant affairs and swingers and everyone just knows and goes along with it. Even my therapist knew about our area. Rn my 2 bffs are seeing other men while married (1 husband is also having affair). I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here.

I do believe you want to do better but don’t want to get raw with your BH. The process of R is HARD. It’s LONG. Most importantly it requires 100% engagement and honesty.
I don’t know how engaged I would have been if I didn’t fiercely love my husband. I don’t get the impression that you’re committed to the process.
I also wonder if your BH would benefit from being on this site. Have you thought about mentioning it? When I was first here after D-day I would’ve given my left arm for my husband to be here and gain insight into his thought process. More importantly I think that while we’ve been successfully R’d for many years if he would have been as committed to getting insight as you are right after d-day my heart would’ve been overjoyed.
Please stop insisting you don’t want to hurt your AP. It’s very self serving. Firstly because unless he tried to talk to you he’d never know you blocked him. If he’s trying to message you during NC that’s his own misfortune. You didn’t consider how hurtful it was to your BH that your AP was playing Disney dad with his children or when you were having sex with the AP while telling your BH that you are asexual. Until you get out of the fog, you’re not going to see reality and you’re not going to get out by keeping contact with your AP

Rn my 2 bffs are seeing other men while married (1 husband is also having affair). I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here.

And you are not disgusted by it? These should not be Bffs. You are accepting that infidelity is the norm. Infidelity is abuse. My friends would cease to be friends if I knew they were cheating, I would also notify their spouse.

Oddly enough, in our community, there are rampant affairs and swingers and everyone just knows and goes along with it. Even my therapist knew about our area. Rn my 2 bffs are seeing other men while married (1 husband is also having affair). I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here.

This site is mostly betrayed spouses and reformed ws, or ws who are working on themselves after ending an active affair. We have all had our experiences, and we know what works and doesn’t work.

I laughed out loud at twilight zone.

Hi, it’s me, I am the problem, it’s me :-)

Look you have stayed and listened and have been patient. I don’t know if this is how you feel about what we are collectively telling you that has successfully worked or not worked for us, I am not sure we are the group then!

But I will tell you this, and you will maybe promote this from the twilight zone to that’s bizzarre, but the next thing I would tell you is get new friends. If my husband had philandering friends I wouldn’t have reconciled with him. Period.

I understand that your situation is complex. I'm not sure I have much advice beyond this...If you have any hope of resurrecting this marriage, I would advise you to stop with this kind of language like yesterday. Like last decade. Like stop trying to railroad him into polyamory.

It's perfectly ok to tell him that you're not down for sex, and that you're not sure that you can rekindle that fire. But to bring the idea of others into the mix at this point is straight up cruelty.

This.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here.

Can you please clarify this comment? Are you saying that in your community infidelity is rampant and what you perceive as "normal" and the standards you are encountering here at SI, in contrast to that, feel like the "twilight zone"?

It's perfectly ok to tell him that you're not down for sex, and that you're not sure that you can rekindle that fire. But to bring the idea of others into the mix at this point is straight up cruelty.

I'm not being cruel? I'm being honest. I don't want to give him false hope. I'm just saying if he wnates to have see I'd be ok with him getting it elsewhere. I'm not even talking about me doing that, that's not why I even mentioned it.

Good luck with your next affair. Be smarter next time and don’t do it in your house. If you can’t see everything I’m saying, and think I’m being a jerk then you haven’t heard a single thing I’ve said.

I don't think you're being a jerk at all. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I'm not a serial cheater. I don't seek ppl out to do this with. I will never do this again. I understand why you don't believe me bc I'm not totally over ap. It takes time.

[quote If he hadn't shown that side, I never would've fallen for him]

So you had no choice to be faithful? It just happened and you couldn’t control it? There are plenty of people out there who in this same situation didn’t betray their vows and morals. Why did you? This statement is very much about avoiding responsibility and blame shifting. I know in your mind these statements make sense because you have been clinging to them as justification for why you did what you did and you don’t want to face the painful truth that you are the villain in this story. My wife said "AP pursued me like no one I had ever known and I was desperate for that feeling." So? She now sees that it had nothing to do with what AP did or didn’t do. She was willing to discard me and her vows over a temporary emotional high.

What I meant was I was so desperate for my kids to have a decent father that I fell for this guy bc he was doing all the things I wish their dad did. I'm not excusing what I did, of course I could've just noticed how he was and just appreciated it, and I did for a long time before I just wanted to be with him physically. The cheating is no different just explaining the connection I felt.

Please stop insisting you don’t want to hurt your AP. It’s very self serving. Firstly because unless he tried to talk to you he’d never know you blocked him.

Very good point! I really believe he won't contact me bc he said he wouldn't so I guess it makes sense not to avoid blocking him. By that admission, though, I'm still worried about hurting his feelings and hope he never knows.

If he’s trying to message you during NC that’s his own misfortune. You didn’t consider how hurtful it was to your BH that your AP was playing Disney dad with his children or when you were having sex with the AP while telling your BH that you are asexual. Until you get out of the fog, you’re not going to see reality and you’re not going to get out by keeping contact with your AP

I hear this. Thank you.

I think it was hikingout who mentioned the trauma bonding or hysterical bonding. Ap told me that when he and his ex wife were separating they had more sex in those 6 mos than they had had during their entire relationship. I couldn't imagine that and here I am and i still cant imagine it. I feek like that's that a bad sign.

Can you please clarify this comment? Are you saying that in your community infidelity is rampant and what you perceive as "normal" and the standards you are encountering here at SI, in contrast to that, feel like the "twilight zone"?

Here, meaning where I live. I don't think it's normal at all for such a small, rather incestuous community but maybe bc the pool is so small you just keep to who you know. I feel like I live in the twilight zone.