SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you ever "accept" or "get over" your spouses revelation that they hit complete rock bottom and that something as drastic as having an A was the wake up call they needed to make serious changes and open their eyes to what they had been missing out on previously or what they would miss out on in the future. It’s so unjust and unfair that I have to wake up everyday and try to go about "business as usual" and maneuver through so many emotions, thoughts and feelings of uncertainty. I know he has serious regrets and remorse about his choices, but at the end of the day those were HIS choices, while I had no say and was left in the dark about MY life. I couldn’t imagine using my husband and my children as some kinda crutch to "be the best version of me." Why not just be the best version of you without having to suffocate those who you supposedly love the most? This dilemma is something I struggle with lots, not understanding how a spouse makes "personal gains" at the expense of others.

I absolutely feel you here! It’s so unfair that life has been stolen from us and yet they feel some kind of awakening and realisation at their bad behaviours and know what changes they need to make… all at our expense and we should be grateful they don’t cheat again 🤷🏼‍♀️🫠

One thing my partner said to me was "I know I’d never do this again or cause anyone that pain again. If we don’t stay together I wouldn’t ever put someone or myself through this a second time"

I was like thanks for that so it’s just me you were happy to betray and use me and my pain to realise your personal growth then.

It’s left me feeling very resentful and bitter while he claims he’s the happiest he’s ever been now he’s out of the affair (claims it was the worst time of his life yet continued it for years.. where’s the logic)

It is unjust and it is unfair that we had no choice over something so damaging and so significant within our own lives, yet in life and love we have to work with the hand we have been dealt and choose how to move forward and we can use this experience to learn more about ourselves which can be a very eye opening journey of self discovery.

Feel all of the feels but don’t let them make a victim of us.

[This message edited by LittleRedRobin23 at 11:08 AM, Tuesday, June 4th]

Oh heartbroken wife we are so alike!

I could have wrote this post too.
I feel the same way , the amount of times he says he would rather die than do this again...

I can say that I don't think I will ever "get over" what he did and I am pretty sure I will never forgive either, I think I am closer to accepting it though? I feel like accepting it isn't having to agree with it or even saying I understand why it happened but saying... "this happened to me and he did this, I can't change it."

That has started to help me a bit because in the first 4 months or so I was trying to find anything to heal me that he would say or anything to make the pain go away. He would tell me certain things and they would help for about 5 minutes and then I would keep spiraling. I wanted a time machine to go back and erase what he did to me and his family but it isn't possible.

I try to look at the kids and I being collateral damage from a man that was extremely broken before we even met, he tells me this quite often. The addictions, the pain from his childhood issues, the shitty boundaries, low self esteem, they were all there long before me. I chose not to see these traits and over the course of 10 years he kept shoving them down until one day he broke and he found someone to temporarily heal that part of him that I didn't want to acknowledge existed and that he didn't want to fix, just numb for a little bit. It took him hitting the rockiest of bottoms to realize that he had deep rooted issues and now he recommends IC to a lot of people in our circle.

I don't think that I can offer advice on how to "get over" or "forgive" your H for what he has done to you because I am no where close to that and I probably won't ever be and I have made peace with that. If I stay then over time maybe forgiveness will come in small waves? If not then I will try to build a new M out of this shit.

I can say the more work my H does, the more he changes, the more he stays committed to his new values, morals, and beliefs the easier it is for me to process what he did. The more he has open dialogue with me where I can tell him exactly how I feel and he can tell me his whys without me getting defensive, the more it helps me SEE HIS thought process at the time.

I don't ever want to come off and sound like I GET HOW my H could do what he could do but the more that we talk the more I see in his mind what he did just numbed a pain in him he was too emotionally immature to handle. Things from his childhood that made him feel he couldn't speak about his emotions, he chose a shitty escape at the expense of his children and I and it sucks.
At that time though, all he cared about was himself and his high (his words) and that was a kick in the freaking gut.

I guess with all that I am saying, I feel exactly like you. I just think what helps me is putting together the pieces of this shitty puzzle and understanding that it had NOTHING to do with my kids and I "not being good enough" or "My H wanting to intentionally hurt us" It ran much much much deeper in a very dark place inside himself and the kids and I weren't considered and we were like I said just collateral damage to a broken very broken and incredibly selfish person.