Hi Veh819,
Welcome to SI, I'm sorry you find yourself here - truly. That said, I think it's great that you found us here. I know posting here and sharing your story can be incredibly scary and I want to commend you for doing so. I know some of the responses will likely be difficult to read. For background, I'm a BS, but I'm one of those BSs whose story is written in the happily reconciled thread.
First thing I recommend you do is read pinned thread in the Wayward forum titled "Things Every WS should know". Print it out so you can refer to it and read it again and again as time goes on. As time goes on, more of it will make sense to you. I found myself reading things years later and seeing things "pop out" that I hadn't seen before. Leafields and Hikingout mentioned other articles that I would also encourage you to read.
Secondly, and I hope you do not take this as an attack, because I truly mention this constructively and you are certainly not the first WS (or person generally) to minimize, justify, or otherwise speak defensively about actions they are not proud of. To be honest, its really normal, but I want to let you know how your story likely sounds to your BS.
I just felt like I was not a priority, and on those nights that he didn’t come home, which became more frequent over time, I was lonely.
Sounds like a justification and a little blame-shifty. You are suggesting that this is his fault.
It started with me resorting to an online chat room.
Another justification. If you "resort to" something, you are saying you did something you did not want to because you cannot find any other way of achieving something that you view as necessary. I will accept that you felt lonely, but lets be honest, if you felt lonely or bored there were a million other ways of finding connection that did not involve making the intentional decision to go outside your marriage. You could have called a friend, a family member, you could have joined a parents group, joined an online or in person support group for spouses of people with addictions issues, etc. Instead you made a conscious choice to actively seek out a specific type of attention. You need to own this choice. I understand that by itself, without the minimizations or justifications, it sounds awful and you probably don't see yourself as an awful person (and you aren't!) and much of your work will be figuring out why this specific type of attention was the type of attention you were seeking, but you need to own this decision before you are truly engage in any of this "digging into your whys" business, which hikingout has (appropriately) mentioned (please read her posts carefully btw. She absolutely knows what she is talking about). Digging into your 'whys' before you are able to truly own what you've done however, is a just going to sound like more justification - which is what is happening here.
This was not something that I did long term.
Again, this seems a bit like a minimization. "See, it wasn't THAT bad, it could have been worse...." It's also not true. It wasn't just one night. You then go on to say you logged in multiple times that month. I get it, you are trying to convey the narrative of what happened, but there are ways to do that without minimizing. This was not a one-time 'slip' that you immediately regretted. We have no idea whether you would have kept with it if you HAD met someone during this initial month.
I tried to be as supportive as I could, but it was hard at times when I was alone with our baby feeling like we were not good enough for him to choose what was best for us.
Eventually, back on that app I went.
Again, this sounds like a justification. Again, you're connecting your decisions to his like your decision was inevitable or unavoidable due to his actions - almost like he was making the choice for you. To be clear, I'm not trying to minimize the impact his actions were having on you during this period, and I have no doubt that in the moment, you were making those justifications in your own brain. But in the light of day, looking at it with clear eyes, your starting point needs to be that nothing he was doing justified going outside the marriage. You had a million different options for coping, and other people in your shoes would have made different decisions. His addiction is on him (regardless of the various stressors and life circumstances that made him want to drink and escape), and your affair is on you (regardless of the various stressors and life circumstances that made you want to escape and seek external validation). Nothing he did or didn't do made you cheat. You did that on your own. Full fucking stop.
It didn’t start out sexual....
Be honest, this person was not chatting to you or sending you money because they just wanted to be your friend. You were well aware of that then. You met this person on a sugar baby website for goodness sakes. Maybe you had some boundaries you drew in your brain that allowed you to justify what you were doing, but like most waywards, you continued to tiptoe closer and closer to the lines you had drawn as it suited you. When the line got in the way, you moved it again (and again and again) until eventually you were so far beyond where the line was initially drawn, you couldn't even see it anymore.
Looking back, I do see that it was manipulative for him to send me money when he knew how vulnerable I was.
You are minimizing your own actions here. You are not a victim of this person. You are not some innocent, guileless child that he groomed from a position of authority by a predator. You are an adult person of sound mind who, all by herself, sought out a website for just these types of arrangements, and literally signed up for it - thereby agreeing to the terms. You were not taken advantage of or tricked - as far as I can tell you were not even financially destitute and desperate for the money. You got exactly what you were looking for. You could have stopped at any time and yet you chose to continue, and ENJOYED doing it. Saying that this was manipulative, is like saying that the bakery down the corner manipulated you because you were hungry, despite the fact that you brought a fistful of cash and happily walked through the door asking for a slice of cake. Just like the bakery isn't responsible for making sure you stick to your diet, your AP (affair partner) was not responsible for making sure you
In saying this, I'm not trying to minimize what you were going through. You weren't at your best. I GET THAT. But that doesn't excuse any of it. MOST people don't cheat because things are going well. A LOT of the time, it's a crappy coping mechanism to prop up a fragile ego/self-esteem or a way to escape or avoid negative experiences or feelings (or both).
He cleaned up his drinking and is doing a lot better. Which hurts me, because why couldn’t he do these things when I was beginning him?
This is a good thing for your partner and your children, full stop. Do not try to twist something that should be objectively good news so it is about you and your victimhood. It's not about you. Just like your affair was not about him. His drinking was likely a shitty coping mechanism for him... just like your A was for you. Sometimes we need shit to hit the fan before we're able to make the changes we know we need to make. You know... kind of like how you didn't stop your affair until you were discovered. You will both (individually) need to address the issues and work on building healthier coping skills, but none of that happens when you try to pass the blame to someone else.
Again, I'm not pointing out any of this to shame you or to nitpick. I'm telling you this because it's in your interest to learn how to talk to your BS about your A in a way that he is going to be able to hear. I understand you are likely in damage control mode and he is traumatized and angry and despondent and that likely puts you on the defensive, which probably makes him even more angry. Trust me, I've been there. But I assure you these conversations are necessary and will go better (on average) if you can drop the defensiveness and stop making excuses or minimizing or blameshifting.
You are absolutely entitled to your hurts and resentments for issues in the marriage prior to your A and I'm sure you can name a laundry list of issues that you would like your spouse to address, but right now is NOT the time for those things. Focusing on that stuff now at this stage would be like asking ER doctor to have a look at the rash on your foot that you've been meaning to make an appointment about, when the doctor is trying to attend to your husband's gunshot wound to the chest. That shit is going to have to wait. I know that may not seem "fair" to you right now and those resentments are still hot and fresh AND REAL, but it's true. You have a LOT to do before any of that can be addressed.
I don't know your BS. I don't know if your relationship is salvageable. I do know that his wavering back and forth between wanting to be with you and not wanting anything to do with you is absolutely normal behaviour for someone who has experienced trauma (and he has). If you want a shot, you need to be the backbone of this relationship right now. YOU need to be the strong one. You need to tell him and more importantly you need to SHOW him that you will do whatever it takes to fix this relationship, and that you will be there as a rock for him throughout. Right now he (appropriately) doesn't trust you. He doesn't think you'll be there for him when he's at his worst - afterall, you basically showed him that when things were bad for him, your move was to dip out (AND THEN BLAME HIM FOR IT). If there is ANYTHING AT ALL you have not told him - any lies you holding back, any details you haven't been honest about, you need to come clean NOW. Even if it's bad. Even if you think it'll be the final straw, I PROMISE YOU it's better if you disclose it now than for him to learn of it later (and he will because this stuff - timeline details that don't make sense -eats at a BS).
Most importantly, the two of you need to be working together to model stability and safety for your kid(s). That 2 year old's life is going to be rocked when her little sibling enters this word. Her father is already not at home. These are formative times for her. You need to be on the same team as you get through this.
Best of luck with your recovery, reconciliation (if that is what you both choose), and with your pregnancy.
