SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve posted before about are we fools for staying and sorry but I’m posting again. For some reason I am needing validation and feedback from strangers on the internet. But there’s something warming about people having lived through similar situations that can give different advice than friends and family who are sick of hearing about my relationship woes and just want to marry me off to someone else.

For context, I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years and d-day was nearly a year ago. He admitted to sleeping with an ex colleague for over a year although a further admission a week later and he confirmed the whole thing, from when they began texting, actually began 4 years ago but there were breaks in between so really it was only a year and half… (clearly he’s minimising it).

He broke contact with her straight away and was open with me if she messaged again. He has been transparent with his phone and his whereabouts if he has to go out to a work client (when previously unbeknownst to me he would extend these client visits to include a brief stop at her house). He also seemed genuinely remorseful in all our 12 years together when he told me about the affair and some of our subsequent conversations they have been the only times I’ve ever seen him cry. He also took accountability and has had conversations with some of my family to prove how much he wants to take ownership and become the better version of himself.

Initially I kicked him out the house but to be honest we never went no contact so we didn’t have a break however it was nice living on my own for that short while. We went on a holiday and he moved back in 4 months later so focus on reconciling and healing together.

At first I felt very connected to him again and we were having great sex again but since the new year I’ve been feeling nothing. I don’t feel anger or pain toward him but I also don’t feel like I want to be loving toward him. I don’t like holding his hand and whilst I know I do really love him and I have felt the urge to say it every now and again, I haven’t actually said the words for a year now.

I’m rambling here but I guess my life and deep pondering thoughts are:

1) how do I get unstuck from this state of limbo and feel confident to pick a side - stay or go?

2) cheating and affairs are literally everywhere, is this part and parcel of relationships nowadays? I don’t want to throw away 12 years of history and shared memories and experiences and love just to find someone else who will also cheat or leave me for someone else.

3) are we just so thankful they ‘chose’ us and want to stay that we agree and stay as well?

4) the grass is greenest where you water it, so perhaps staying and watering this relationship and showing more love toward him will be best.

5) is it normal to feel a sense of ambivalence toward a cheating partner and how do you get back the love? I think perhaps it’s actually societal shame in my head that’s holding me back. There’s such a stigma on staying and I feel a little embarrassed that I’ve chosen to stay but I also feel like why should some other woman benefit from my reformed man?

6) We had planned a life together and want to have kids someday (I’m 30) and I can’t imagine doing any of that with someone else. Maybe I still have rose coloured glasses on.

7) it’s interesting to me that in my previous post In the reconciliation forum, many others told me to leave despite their decision in the same situation was to stay and go on to marry/have children so why would I be given the advice to leave? Are people deep down regretful of staying with their cheating spouse?

8) is it normal that I don’t have anger (I have resentment for lost years and now pressure with my biological clock ticking to make a decision on my future) but I don’t feel angry at what he did anymore I feel a bit ‘meh’ about it. I might be burying my head in the sand? Or maybe I’m actually ok and my overthinking is what’s causing me the problems.

Anyway I’ll stop now I could go on forever.
Just to add, I am in IC with a therapist who does lots of meditative stuff to help get me out of my head but it’s a slow progress and tbh with my clock ticking I don’t have time to spend another 12 years without moving the relationship forward, I want to get on with fully living my life either with him and moving forward together having kids etc, or living my life on my own.

Thanks and sorry again for everyone at my being such a broken record with my story. I just feel so lost and stuck and I don’t know how much longer I can live without living. I don’t know why I can’t make a decision. It feels passive of me to stay and ‘accept’ what he’s done like I’m not standing up for myself. But I feel like I want to do life with him. You’re meant to pick one person and make it work right?

Hey LittleRedRobin,

There have been times that I poured my heart out and all the issues I was having in this hellish experience of adultery onto this site just because I found some comfort/catharsis in typing out my thoughts and having others who've experienced a similar pain give me their feedback and validation. And there have been other times I was just desperate for someone to tell me something different than what I was feeling or what I was hearing from my friends and family in real life, which was vitriol towards my WW and admonitions to leave her. It's not that simple for so, so many reasons. I also think that, subconsciously perhaps, I desperately wanted someone to have a playbook of what I should do and how to make my WW wake up and how to turn life to the way I wanted it to go. I wanted answers. I was desperate for someone to provide clarity into my situation and into the jumbled mess of emotions in my soul. But the truth is that my life is too individualized and unique, as is everyone's, for anyone to truly have a playbook or manual for how to make our relationships and life work the way we want. I'm saying that because I am reading that into your words. I feel like I hear it in your words, and forgive me if I'm off and projecting something into your words that I've experienced that just isn't there for you. But you sound so desperate for someone to just "have the answers", and all anyone can offer is thoughts and opinions that could be wrong. It's been a difficult realization for me that I'm going to have to live my life and lay in the bed that that brings me, and the certainty that I want I may never find. I've got to make decisions with imperfect information, and I could be wrong. There's no step by step playbook that's guaranteed to work. I empathize with you my friend. It's brutal. You didn't ask for this, and you had your life mapped out, and someone else's selfish decisions fucked it all up and left you a wreck in the process. And suddenly that certainty you had is stolen from you. I'm so sorry. It hurts.

I'm just going to give my brief thoughts as you enumerated them:

1) No idea. I'm right there with you. That's what I'm talking about with wanting certainty that I may never get. But I think the key is setting some boundaries and sticking with them. For instance, any more infidelity is a definite deal breaker and I'm out. No more chances. That's one way to get certainty if it goes that way, so that protects you on that side of things. The positive side of deciding to jump back in and commit to staying is the harder side. That's where I'm still in limbo too. I guess you pick out things you need to see, and start determining if that's happening or not until eventually those requirements being hit combined with enough time having passed for you to reasonable trust he's faithful allows your heart to go all in again.

2) Yeah, it's everywhere and it sure does seem to just be part and parcel of loving people in this culture. And maybe that's gotten worse over time, but the fact is there's always been an element of risk in pouring yourself into anyone in a relationship. Even if not nefarious. You could build a life with a man and have children and a life and then he dies. We're always taking a risk to love another person, but it sounds like you are wired (like me) to crave relationship with another human. So you're going to take that risk on someone, and the only thing you can really do is try to place the safest bet you can based upon what you see from any man you consider giving your heart to in the future, your BF or someone new. But I understand the feeling of losing shared history. It's so tough. I've often thought about the fact that anyone I got into a new relationship will never know my mother who passed away years ago. That's shared history with my WW that someone else won't have. No one else will have been in the trenches and remember what our children were like as toddlers and all the cute stories and intimate memories we have from being in those trenches together. However, on the other hand, every month I spend with my WW in limbo is potential shared history I could be losing with someone else. For all I know I could have another death in my family waiting around the bend, and that would be another person my future Mrs may never know. Am I stealing shared history from a future partner? Maybe. So I think there's value in considering that side of it too when I find myself falling into this "sunk cost fallacy" of staying due to shared history. My decision can't be based upon that. It has to be based upon if I think my WW is truly becoming a safe partner and if the woman she's showing herself to be is truly the person I want to spend the rest of my days with or not. That's got to be the question upon which you evaluate your BF and whether or not you stay with him and give him that gift of reconciliation.

3) At first I think that may have been somewhat true. I was mostly just in total shock and devastated, and I didn't know who else to turn to. She was my abuser (infidelity is abuse, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise), but also the only person I knew who could ease my pain at all. She was my other half. Who else would I turn to? But as time has passed, it's no longer true that I'm here because she "chose" me. It's my choice what I do unless she decides to leave. And I'm cool with that too. You've got to continue doing the work on yourself to get to that place where you truly believe it's your choice. You're the prize. Time helps. You'll get there. But no, not anymore am I here because she chose me.

4) Could be. But again, that's the individualized part of this that no one else can answer for you. It may very well be true, or it may be true that you would be better off starting anew. One thing I'm relatively certain of is that if you do decide to stay, it's not going to be great unless you do eventually decide to truly pour into him again. You don't have to be there yet, but you don't want to live the rest of your days with a man you don't pour into and see as an equal. That's got to the be the goal of reconciliation if you decide on that route, to get back to a place of equality in the relationship where you don't hold back love and support from him just as he doesn't hold back love and support from you. You'll have to make that decision with imperfect information though, and that's paralyzingly scary. I know.

5) Yes. Very very very normal. Especially as you heal and move past hysterical bonding and that phase where perhaps you were staying because they "chose" you and you were just happy in the trauma to have that. I think it's a stage you have to go through and it's a sign of healing as an individual, even if it's bad for the relationship. I truly believe the ability to feel that ambivalence is a sign that you're healing. But also flip the question on it's head a bit too. Why should some other woman enjoy the fruit of the reformed man your BF may be becoming? Well, is your BF worthy of the person you're becoming through this? Again, remember that you're a prize as well. You're a faithful woman with a lot to offer in a relationship. You have to truly believe that. If nothing else through these ashes, against the black backdrop of his infidelity and the hell it has created, the beautiful diamond of fidelity and faithfulness that you bring to the table shines all the more brilliantly if you'll only look to see it. You're safe and can be a source of comfort and love that a man can pour his heart into and trust knowing you would never betray him like you've been betrayed. You're experiencing what it's like to not have that in a partner, and it's life shatteringly bad. What you bring to the table as a faithful woman a man can build a family with and trust his heart to is beautiful and worth more than diamonds and gold. The question truly is, is BF worthy of that? Why should he get that if not? If he's not, let some other woman have whatever he's becoming and take the fidelity and beauty you offer and give it to someone worthy of it.

6) I got married at 19. I have no shared experience with anyone else. Yeah, it's near impossible to imagine doing life with anyone other than WW. But that's just because I haven't experienced it. Rest assured that if you decide to move on, you will find someone you can imagine having a family with. You will. Just because you haven't experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. That's building a new shared experience with someone. But then again, maybe BF really is a reformed guy who has grown and learned through this and it is possible to have all that with him. That's the limbo part that's so hard that only you can evaluate. And you're not "right or wrong" either way. It may go badly, but that doesn't make you stupid or shameful or anything like that. You're doing the best you can with imperfect information. Have grace with yourself.

7) Some people are. I've read quite a few stories on here of people exactly like you describe, regretful that they stayed and built a life with someone unworthy of it. That's what makes this so incredibly hard and gut wrenching. The consequences are real. I think a bigger reason you may have gotten the advice you got though is based on the "BF" reality you've described. He's not a husband. I understand that in some ways that's just a piece of paper, and it doesn't affect the shared experiences and love you are scared of losing with him. But the reality is that that piece of paper makes everything WAY WAY WAY more complicated. It's not clean to get out of in any way. And kids tie you to the wayward forever. So I think a lot of people's gut reaction might be, "if not for the difficulties of divorce, I know that I'd leave" just because for a lot of people they wind up staying for children and a lifestyle. That's not romantic, but it's a reality you have to face once marriage is there. And you DO have a golden opportunity to have the cleanest break you could ever have. Some people would kill for that. You can truly leave cheating BF in the past if that's what you want to do. I can never leave WW in the past because we share children and assets and she's getting half of what we've built and I'm writing a check to her for a long time if we split.

8) I'm still angry. I don't know what that means. Maybe I'm the abnormal one. And weirdly, in my masculinity, it flows to AP more than anything. Not a day goes by that I don't want to beat the snot out of him. And honestly, that may still happen. I can't funnel that anger towards my WW, because even with all she did to betray me there's some block in my mind that doesn't allow that aggressive anger to move towards her even in my mind. With her it does kind of become "meh" I guess at times. I'm not looking for "normal" anymore. I feel what I feel, fuck what anyone says about it. It makes sense to me that if some of the passion and love has left you like you describe, of course you'd feel that way about the affair. I'd almost go as far as to say I see that as a loud hint of what might be in your best interest going forward, but I'd never tell anyone to stay or go. I don't live with the consequences of what you do.

I know it's brutal RedRobin. I'm sorry you're going through this. Just know that lots of people have been through this and come out the other side somehow. There's light at the end of your tunnel. You're a prize, whether you realize it or not. What you offer as a faithful woman is worth more than you're giving it credit for. You're obviously an intelligent woman from your writing, and you need to know that you're not "stuck" with anyone. You get to choose. You're going to be ok however this goes. Sending hugs and support your way.

Don’t ever be sorry for posting. This forum is amazing and honestly has saved my sanity a few times now.

I empathise with your situation and feel the same! So to answer your questions:

1. I’m literally going to IC to ask that question tomorrow. I need help sorting out thoughts.

2. It makes me sad how common cheating is. I wonder why I bothered to get married a second time as it’s happened to me twice now. Maybe three times is a charm 😂

3. I’m not thankful. I actually think he is coward and pathetic for not leaving. I asked him to leave so many times but he just doesn’t leave. And then I agree to try again. It’s a really shit cycle.

4. I bloody hope so.

5. I am very ashamed and embarrassed for staying. Another therapy discussion point.

6. Can’t really give insight as I have the family.

7. I’m worried I will regret staying as one main reason is my family. But you are right - it seems like people seem to survive rather than strive after staying with a WS. Hope that’s not true but it’s the general feeling I get.

8. I have no feelings about him or my marriage anymore. No overwhelming feeling of hate or love. Just nothing really. It’s sad cause I loved him with all my being before the A. He fucked that right up.

1) how do I get unstuck from this state of limbo and feel confident to pick a side - stay or go?

GIVE YOURSELF TIME. Focus first on what you want, even if you think it's not attainable. R may be possible, but do you really want it? You got together at 18 ... as an 18 year old, were you really competent enough to make a lifetime decision? You've got a get out of jail card now. Do you want to use it?

These are hard decisions to make. Why do you expect to make them quickly?

2) cheating and affairs are literally everywhere, is this part and parcel of relationships nowadays? I don’t want to throw away 12 years of history and shared memories and experiences and love just to find someone else who will also cheat or leave me for someone else.

From scientifically designed surveys, a majority of relationships in the US do not experience infidelity before the age of 60. You sem to be in the UK, but how different can the UK be from the US? I mean ... two countries separated by a single language?

3) are we just so thankful they ‘chose’ us and want to stay that we agree and stay as well?

Not exactly. Well, off by a long shot. The BS is the prize. If your WS doesn't win you back, dump them. Why stay with someone who doesn't want you more than anyone else? Why stay with someone who'd rather stay stuck in their own dysfunction than live a good life with a good partner?

4) the grass is greenest where you water it, so perhaps staying and watering this relationship and showing more love toward him will be best.

Interesting. That's not how many people who R do it. First, the WS shows remorse, changes, works to win the BS back ... you're the prize. The WS needs to nurture themselves, and they need to nurture the BS, too.

5) is it normal to feel a sense of ambivalence toward a cheating partner and how do you get back the love?

Yes. A thousand times, yes.

I think perhaps it’s actually societal shame in my head that’s holding me back. There’s such a stigma on staying and I feel a little embarrassed that I’ve chosen to stay but I also feel like why should some other woman benefit from my reformed man?

IMO, it's crucial to gain a deep understanding of your motivations for R'ing. Bring them into your awareness - then throw out the ones that really don't matter to you. But don't throw out honesty, willingness to change, NC, etc. - you can't R unless your WS becomes honest.

You also need to agree on what your new relationship will be. If he honestly wants a Lotus, and you honestly want an Aston-Martin, you may not a good fit....

6) We had planned a life together and want to have kids someday (I’m 30) and I can’t imagine doing any of that with someone else. Maybe I still have rose coloured glasses on.

I think if you you really want R, and if your WSo wants and will do the necessary work for R, you won't have to give up your vision.

If you decide you want to split, or if you realize your WSo is not a good candidate for R (or if he fails at R), I would bet you'll give up that specific vision over time.

This is still brand new in your life. Put considerations of time aside. Focus on acting in your own best interests.

You are the prize.

7) it’s interesting to me that in my previous post In the reconciliation forum, many others told me to leave despite their decision in the same situation was to stay and go on to marry/have children so why would I be given the advice to leave? Are people deep down regretful of staying with their cheating spouse?

I believe the issue was that your WSo cheated before M. That bodes pretty poorly for you if you actually tie yourself to your WSo with M or a baby.

8) is it normal that I don’t have anger (I have resentment for lost years and now pressure with my biological clock ticking to make a decision on my future) but I don’t feel angry at what he did anymore I feel a bit ‘meh’ about it. I might be burying my head in the sand? Or maybe I’m actually ok and my overthinking is what’s causing me the problems.

I've been taught, IIRC, that resentment is anger turned against yourself. My reco is to change 'I resent _____' into 'I'm angry that _____.'

My experience was that I was overwhelmed mainly with grief. I felt a lot of anger, fear, shame, too, but grief was my major emotion. I did a lot of anger work in therapy before d-day, and that's why grief was primary for me. My bet is that you're hiding from your anger - R is a possibility, and it's really difficult to recognize anger toward the WS upon whom you'll have to rely if you R. Paradoxically, if one does R and it goes well, the anger will make itself know in no uncertain terms. Many of us report feeling rage at levels we never came close to imagining.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:51 PM, Tuesday, May 21st]

Little red robin, I just wanted to sympathise. I often write on this forum even thought the advice is hard to hear it just helps to vent. I also feel I can’t really talk to others about it now as I have chosen to stay.

All I can say based on what you have said, is this: Four years is a long time. He was basically living a double life. I honestly wish I could pack my bags up and leave, my husband only had a 4 month affair but it was part of a wider pattern of mistreatment. I feel very tied to him because of our children as they love him and he them and if I didn’t have them I would have left. However, I say that now just as I thought infidelity would be a deal breaker and yet here I am. Your situation/relationship is different to mine so I don’t truly know what I would do and no one else is living your life.

I too feel like I am in limbo. I don’t particularly love him anymore but fear and the children trap me from leaving. Only you know if you do still love him and it isn’t just fear keeping you there. The unknown is hard.

I did feel a lot of anger but now I also just feel meh. I don’t look for any evidence that he is cheating anymore as I just feel a part of me doesn’t care. I am now less focused on the relationship and more focused on me and unfortunately my husband hasn’t liked it, doesn’t like me going out and I feel bad for this but struggles with the lack of affection that i am struggling to give.

To answer your question about the societal shame holding you back- I definitely agree with this (ester perel is interesting on this). I think it is also the hurt, stopping one for being vulnerable. I fear being vulnerable again so I hold back a part of me and this is definitely impacting on the relationship. My husband hasn’t exactly shown me he is now safe to show this so I am stuck there but maybe with time your partner will.

My advice for now is, you do still have time. A lot of my friends only met, married and had kids with their partners in their late 30’s. Give yourself a breather, take a holiday by yourself so you can see what you really want without the person there. I wish I had that but my husband was always contacting me or coming over. It might just give you the space you need to make some of those decisions. I am stuck in a good time bad time cycle with both of us dancing in it and I wish I could get some space to have a helicopter view over my relationship without my husband being so nice and kind that it makes me forget the bad times.

I really appreciate all of your heartfelt and honest personal responses.

You are absolutely reading my message correctly and the tone of desperation is exactly how I feel to be honest.
Desperate to feel confident in my ability to make decisions for my life/future.
Desperate for the mental gymnastics to stop so I can be present and feel how I need to feel.
And desperate to make the right decision, which of course is impossible to ever know.

I think there’s definitely an element of the sunken cost fallacy at play and also perhaps fear of the unknown particularly if I leave as, bar the cheating, he’s a good partner and I have no doubt in future he will be a great dad. The fear is if I leave I won’t find someone else at all, or the someone else I do find would treat me worse than my current partner. (Alternatively of course they might treat me better but my brain is defaulting to the fear side of things). I also don’t like the idea that I thinking he’s disposable to me to find someone else to have a family with - I chose him 12 years ago and isn’t that what relationships are; continuing to choose your partner at their lowest and they continue to choose you at your lowest?

My other fear is I am doing myself a disservice by accepting poor treatment and remaining in a relationship after someone could disrespect me for so long. I feel like an abuse victim who can’t leave their abuser because despite the pain caused they still love him. But then I think well if this just happens in society now, better the devil you know. He’s actually very remorseful about his actions and wishes he never got involved with the other person. He claims it continued as he was scared to lose me if I found out and the only way he thought I wouldn’t find out was to continue what he was doing with her, to keep her happy so she wouldn’t tell me 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree with a point raised that both parties have to put the work in, in order to reconcile and I think I am holding us back from successfully reconciling by not being able to fully show love and fully commit. I’m not sure if that’s me protecting myself, or it’s my body trying to tell me something .. leave. But the thought of not being with him feels worse I think. Despite the fact actually when I lived on my own for the few months it was very nice!

One of the points about their husband not leaving was similar with me as during the time we didn’t live together, I asked for space but he still kept texting me and keeping me reeled in hence we never managed no contact. Perhaps I would feel differently if we had.

Thank you for reminding me we as the betrayed partner are the diamonds and I know I am loyal and have lots of love to offer.

Everyone says I have lots of time, you can’t rush such a big life decision and I appreciate being brought back to reality check but I feel like my life is running away from me, that’s why I feel so desperate I think. It’s as if I can hear a clock ticking and laughing at me.

I also feel like sometimes I’m over reacting and should just get back on with our life together as if this never happened. But that might be due to my wanting to rush!!

You can literally feel what a seesaw even this message is regarding my state of limbo!! It’s good to get it out of my head though at least - it certainly helps to vent!

We’re going to book a trip away together and then I think I will take the advice to book myself somewhere for a solo stay to help try and clear my head too.

I think 1345Marine hit the nail on the head! No one can make the decision for you whether to go or stay....and there is no Rule Book...keep working on yourself, set boundaries and stick to them if they are crossed, everything you are feeling/experiencing is a reaction to his infidelity and is 'normal' in this setting of abuse....seek feedback and support from others here as you navigate this new reality of your life and take your time making any decisions to insure that they are in your best interest.

Edited to add...when I was trying to decide whether to stay or go...I read a book titled Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship written by Mira Kirshenbaum...you might find it helpful too!

[This message edited by Palmetto9213 at 2:27 AM, Thursday, May 23rd]

I know only I can make this decision (unfortunately .. I’m terribly indecisive by nature and an over thinker…clearly) lol

I have a really good therapist now and she invited me to a meditation class next week so she is getting to know me and what tools I need to help very well

Thank you the book recommendation! I think I’ve seen that suggested a few times on this community so I will actually download it and start reading today

Appreciate your response x

Check out the fear vs. reality thread in the Divorce/Separation forum. It may help a lot.

I'm not generally indecisive, but R is one of the most challenging undertakings I've had.

I probably suggested you not R in your previous thread because you have no kids. I have kids. So that's the difference. My opinion is that love alone isn't good enough. I don't see my advice as hypocritical or a sign I am living with regret in my decisions.

All that said, I guess I'll introduce you to a concept that help me. I might help you, or not. Others here might disagree with it because you'll hear a lot of people say both partners need to be "all in" for R to work. My opinion is that a WS has demonstrated they really can't be fully trusted, and are carrying with them an inherent risk of repeat that makes them, even if reformed and capable of being a safe partner, a gamble. That means you never know if you will be here on JFO making a "N years later, I'm back" post. That's something I really don't like. Those threads are by far my least favorite to see pop up.

So, what can I do about it? Well, then I can choose R, and I can always change my mind. I'm allowed to, for any reason or no reason at all. I'm free from the concept of staying so long as she doesn't fuck up. She has already fucked up and R is on borrowed time. It's good. I'm happy in R. I think she is happy, but I can't know her mind with certainty. If that changes though, I'm pretty much sure she'll leave or cheat. So I have permission from myself to also just change my mind. That R isn't working and that I'll leave, if I'd like.

It's not sexy, but it provides a symmetrical hold on uncertainty. A BS that sees the marriage vows (better or worse until death) as intact and binding is stuck in an R that has one sided uncertainty injected into the M. I don't really see that as tenable.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:18 AM, Friday, May 24th]

FWIW-
I stayed the first time-mostly out of the fear of the unknown. Well, not so much fear, but assumptions derived from selling myself short.

I was 32, overweight, infertile, with two kids.

I figured no man would want me.

Being alone didn't seem appealing, at the time, because I really had faith in DH, that he wouldn't lie to me again. Like he'd done the work, and there were some good changes. I thought after seeing changes daily for 18 months, that was a high enough bar.

Well. You know where this is going.

We had a round 2.

We're 7 years out from Round 2, 17 years out from round one.

I'm just realizing now that I've been selling myself short all these years.

And really, taking the sensible/responsible/dutiful path...it's not cutting it anymore.

And it's more problematic now, at almost 50, with 4 kids and retirement on the horizon, then it was as 32.

I really regret that I never saw that I was enough then.

I would give yourself a deadline. If you still feel this way after the deadline then I would absolutely leave.

Coming from someone who miserably stayed in limbo for many years because I was too afraid to leave, I would never do it again.

however it was nice living on my own for that short while.

I think if you are seriously considering D but are not committing out of fear, then you should D. Don’t let fear of the unknown rule you, especially since you know that "nice living" is waiting for you.

Since you are not married, then just split.

If it was meant to be, then in a year or two…

Thank you for these really honest comments and taking the time to post with your two pennies worth.

I definitely need to give myself a deadline and start taking action. I guess it’s easier said than done as I think there is some truth in my being scared of the unknown as well, and that no one else will love me so staying with my current bf who does love me (yet was capable of significant and deep betrayal for so long) is better than not having anyone to love me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

But like others have posted I also feel too young to carry this pain for the rest of my life which I will now regardless but at least without him I’m sure it would be a much lesser pain to live with.

We have booked a holiday for 2 weeks time which perhaps will be a make or break. I think though I’m still just living on auto pilot going through the motions of this relationship without any emotional or physical connection. I don’t know if that’s my holding back from him or is actually how I feel. I feel like I don’t want to be without him and I can imagine either of us being with anyone else and I know based on how he is with all the nieces and nephews that he would be a good dad if we had children, but I’m not sure if I want to be with him anymore either - why do I want to stay with someone capable of hurting me and my soul to that level.

I feel guilty for feeling these indecisive emotions toward him and I feel sorry for him now as he doesn’t have many friends. His mum left his family when he was a child and he obviously has deep rooted trauma which has made him behave poorly, wanting the validation and the attention. I think our relationship was a happy one though (I certainly didn’t feel the need to cheat for 4 years anyway!!) there was a couple of elements that could have been improved but overall no one saw this betrayal coming least of all me.

He could be one of the truly reformed ones 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have been leaning toward what house of plans suggested, split and if it’s meant to be in a year or two then we might find our way back to each other fully healed and ready to move the relationship forward I.e. marriage, kids, moving house etc. I’m young but I’m also too old to waste time in limbo when I do want a family. Which I thought I wanted with him. But my head and body aren’t aligning I can’t offer the emotional connection again yet as much as I might want to.

Sorry I’m not even sure what I’m saying anymore…I’m waffling. This is a great platform to let out all thoughts. Writing is therapy.

I feel in a way my bf is now the safe option as I don’t think he would stray again so I’m scared leaving would be the wrong move as someone else will likely break my heart again when my heart has the opportunity to be healed with my bf if I let him in for us to reconnect

Others have given you answers to your questions, so I will not repeat the same, just add a broader perspective on life after infidelity.

It takes time to waffle through (I like your word) an infidelity. Going on six years through R, I occasionally find myself waffling through similar questions, but what we both are doing with our togetherness, is for the most part quite positive and outweigh the negatives.

I initially gave us 5 Years to make a decision to go or stay, I chose to stay. The hardest for me was waiting those five years…then as the five year mark came, I made that decision, should I stay or should I go. I stay the course, my husband stays the course. One thing I have learnt is that all commitments can and may change in time, depending on how much well call it caring for now, you show one another. Caring for mutual well being. The way I see it, one does not have to fully respect the other to show care: example from my life, I do not respect the sarcasm that my husband will show at times, nor his criticisms, I will always remember what he did to me, and despite this, I do care for his health, and mental well being today.

I hesitate to add trust your gut, as a lot of folks don’t quite believe in this, but this is what I did in addition to clearly defining pros and cons of R with a husband cheater.

At the time of our separation on d- day, we had 40 years of marriage. Tons of good things, tons. Also not so good things, the good things won out every time I listed the pros and cons. Then I asked my gut, are you ok with this? And if ok, I gave our togetherness the opportunity to continue.

I’d like to add that one of the things that attracted me to him 45 years ago, was my belief he would be a good father. He was activity driven, involved with his nephew, etc. That proved true, we had three children, but he cheated, and we separated 40 years later…all because of his personal issues, problems, insecurities in his life. I was blindsided. I was collateral damage.

We are so focused and may feel pressured on making the right choices. Maybe this is socially driven, I don’t know. What I can say from my life experiences is making a decision using lots of thinking and gut feel often is the correct choice at the time. And when circumstances change, we always have choices. We may not like them, we may be scared of the unknowns etc. but we always have choices to choose from.

You will know when the time comes what commitment you will make. I kinda obligated myself after five years. And that is just knowing me.

Gently, one-two years out may be a roller coaster of doubts for you. It’s how you deal with the doubts, that counts. It takes resilience , patience and courage to acknowledge them and decide on how to deal with them. There are many helpful personal stories found on this site.

Wishing you the best and godspeed. And keep on writing!

Thank you @notaboringwife I really appreciate your insights on this post!

I had originally thought to myself that I’ll give a deadline as well to see how I feel before making a final decision on the future of the relationship.

I had planned that I’d wait a year to see how I felt, however upon seeing posts on this community perhaps that’s not realistic as from my reading it takes more than 2 years to heal!

Maybe I’m living in a fantasy idealisation of what real life is (which my partner often likes to tell me) but I want a fun and fulfilling love and to be loved out loud. I feel after a year from d day we are just back to how we were pre affair but really we’re worse because now I have resentment in me and a lingering feeling of disgust and devastation at what he did. I don’t know if these feelings disappear or just lessen over time or if me having these feelings means I’d be better off separated and if we both heal and can commit to being loving partnership then we could try again.

Maybe what I want from a relationship doesn’t exist. That’s what is keeping me in limbo - thinking this is what real life and relationships is. And I’m overthinking our partnership and that I should just get back into the race together, rather than keep living one foot out the door as really I’m not giving us a proper chance at reconciliation. Maybe I’m in the wrong here but I do feel he should be trying to show way more effort at loving me than he is but he says he doesn’t because he feels rejected by me.. but my thoughts are then you need to keep trying and help pull me back to you and win me over again, make me see how much you love then surely 🤷🏼‍♀️ am I in the wrong by thinking he should be doing all the work?

I don’t want to just end it when it could work if I put the effort in, but I also don’t want to live more years as I’ve lived this last year and if I’m unable to physically put the effort in perhaps that’s my body’s way of telling me to move on.

Maybe I’m in the wrong here but I do feel he should be trying to show way more effort at loving me than he is but he says he doesn’t because he feels rejected by me.. but my thoughts are then you need to keep trying and help pull me back to you and win me over again, make me see how much you love then surely 🤷🏼‍♀️ am I in the wrong by thinking he should be doing all the work?

Definitely not in the wrong. He needs to be doing the heavy lifting since he caused this. He's going to have to get uncomfortable before things get comfortable including the feeling of rejection. How does he think you feel on a constant basis? An A is the ultimate rejection. Obviously you need to do your own heavy lifting to heal yourself, but part of this your WS is gonna have to get used to that feeling sorry to say or it isn't going to work. Do not let him rush your healing by saying things like "shouldn't you be over this by now" and "we are talking about the A... again"

Have him read "Cheating in a Nutshell" to get an idea of what this makes the BS feel like.

IMO a lot of WS's are not cut out for R due to what you are describing. They keep a distance in order to not feel rejected when it needs to be the opposite. He cannot expect you to make him feel safe for a while. It takes 2-5 years to heal and it's more like 5-7 years for most whether you R or D.