SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone got recommendations on good var's?

Not sure if serious, InkHulk... kinda late in the game, isn't it??? But if serious, the Sony ICDPX333 or ICD-PX470 used to be the best VARs on the market... there probably are better versions out now.

Followed your story since the beginning InkHulk, never posted on any of your threads but I feel confidant that once you make a certain upcoming (dare I say, inevitable?) decision there are going be a lot of posters and readers here breathing a huge sigh of relief in front of their monitors for you and silently cheering for you.

You have gone through a lot.

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 10:27 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

The VAR is to protect IH in case she accuses him of abuse.

I agree that it's a smart move.

Not sure if serious, InkHulk... kinda late in the game, isn't it??? But if serious, the Sony ICDPX333 or ICD-PX470 used to be the best VARs on the market... there probably are better versions out now.

Very serious. I just ordered a little thumb drive looking one off Amazon. I don’t trust her to remain rational with me once I make it known I intend to move forward with D.

Followed your story since the beginning InkHulk, never posted on any of your threads but I feel confidant that once you make a certain upcoming (dare I say, inevitable?) decision there are going be a lot of posters and readers here breathing a huge sigh of relief in front of their monitors for you and silently cheering for you.

I understand the sentiment, but I don’t believe I will ever celebrate this. But I do have a tattoo to get I think.

You have gone through a lot.

I have, I really have.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 10:41 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

I think you have given it your best shot.

And that comes from someone with crazy high standards about such things.

Agree^^^

I think you have given it your best shot.

And that comes from someone with crazy high standards about such things.

Wow, never expected to hear that from you. But I did give it my best shot. I held nothing back. I’ll take a quiet peace with me for that.

I intend to move forward with D.

I know this decision is weighing heavy on you. I know this isn't what you hoped for. I know it hurts.

You really will be ok, IH.

I really think your decision to D is the smart one IH. I know you are shocked to hear that from me

What HellFire and SacredSoul said about getting a var. Their read that she is going to act irrationally is the right one come to think of it, I believe.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:49 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

I know this decision is weighing heavy on you.

It is

I know this isn't what you hoped for.

It’s not.

I know it hurts.

I actually feel pretty light. That’s why I know it’s serious. The pain always was a sign to me that I cared too much to let go. The pain is gone.

You really will be ok, IH.

I will. I’ve got an amazing support group to help me thru this.

Whoa, Nelly, I just remembered something people often say when the cheater throws out accusations like she just did: what do you think she may have been up to while you were away? Not to cause you more agitation and stomach churning, because you have already crossed that line with her known infidelity, so no need to re-traumatize yourself if she were to 'act out' in some new way - which I pray she hasn't.

And I can tell you that my D-Day 2 came 12 long years of False R after D-Day 1, which had me on the floor, sobbing in fetal position, whereas D-Day 2 was like "Yep....(called lawyer the very next morning...) My BFF said she couldn't believe how unemotional I was at the news of his arrest for soliciting. I was like "Well, it's like the other shoe dropped. He never has "done the work" because I could see and feel he'd never done the work as every source of wisdom including books and a year of MC had tried to assure me that I'd know if he was doing the work on his "whys" and changing his self-focus. All those years, however, I never saw evidence of internal change, other than him apparently "not acting out." So no, it wasn't a huge shock.

Still and all, I hope for your sake this thought I just had falls wide of the mark.

I don’t trust her to remain rational with me once I make it known I intend to move forward with D.

Honestly, that says a lot.

Strength to you friend.

I used the pen one. I have never regretted doing that. It puts the truthful on an even playing field with the truth-challenged

what do you think she may have been up to while you were away?

First reaction to this: No Way she would do something like that! My mind is STILL fucking catching up to this, guys.

Second reaction to this: I don’t give a fuck. She can screw whoever she wants to.

InkHeart,

I'm really sad for you tonight. I'm so sorry she can't do it. Full disclosure -I'm sorry for her too. (I'm mad at her, but I can find compassion as well)

She reminds me of myself. I can't tell how much, because I don't know how clearly you see her.

I wasn't able to find your original story, but I've followed along closely for a few months now, and am moved to post tonight.

I want to thank you for what you've brought to SI. You've shared a lot and started conversations that have effected me personally and I'm also impressed at what a remarkably positive impact youve had in this space, while navigating a waking nightmare.

On a very personal level, I'm so fucking pissed at her. If there was EVER BS that could have met her if she could get to genuine contrition, it seems like it would be you and I'm so sorry and pissed she's too big of a dumb C to see the enormity of what she was being offered. It gets me in my guts.

I want to say something like I know... I don't... but my guess is if your integrity bias hasn't blinded you to the fact that she's actually a souless user, if there's any hope for her to ever turn towards herself and start doing the work, she has to have a rock bottom. Some of us do.

I do have hope that there's truly a decent and kind human being gagged and captive in her that she could potentially make her way back to, but I don't see that happening if she gets to have you.

One important aspect of the rock bottom era for me was that up until then I had very few real consequences. Ever. I mean, I did all kinds of crazy bullshit and fuckery and failed or quit, but generally managed to dodge responsibility and lie or cry my way didn't really suffer.

I think that helped me see myself as a sympathetic character... At worst the antihero with a redemption arc.

It's an insanely difficult thing to recognize your own villany and be productive in your response to it. Thats the work though, right?

I had hoped your WW was going to get a redemption arc because you really did want it and I'm sorry she's either not there yet, if ever... or she ain't got it at all.

I don't know if you're a hugger (😏 I wouldn't hug you in person ✋🏼) but if so, I'm sending you the biggest warmest most comforting virtual hug.

I'm really sad for you tonight. I'm so sorry she can't do it. Full disclosure -I'm sorry for her too. (I'm mad at her, but I can find compassion as well)

Rose, thanks for the message. Thank you for your heartfelt sympathy, both for me and my wife. I still have compassion for her, I certainly don’t begrudge you that humanity.

She reminds me of myself. I can't tell how much, because I don't know how clearly you see her.

I’m curious what you mean by this. I think you are saying that from my descriptions that you see similarities between my wife and yourself, but that I may only be seeing (and describing) part of her so you aren’t sure how deep the similarities go. Is that what you mean? I ask because I’ve deeply appreciated the efforts of HikingOut and WOES and others who previously strayed to help me understand her. I’d welcome any insight you might have, you seem sharp and self aware from how you write.

I wasn't able to find your original story, but I've followed along closely for a few months now, and am moved to post tonight.

If you care for it, just PM me and I can send you a link.

I want to thank you for what you've brought to SI. You've shared a lot and started conversations that have effected me personally and I'm also impressed at what a remarkably positive impact youve had in this space, while navigating a waking nightmare.

I’m honestly glad that my suffering has had a redeeming effect of encouraging my fellow miserable. But I needed this, so I can hardly claim selflessness.

I do have hope that there's truly a decent and kind human being gagged and captive in her that she could potentially make her way back to, but I don't see that happening if she gets to have you.

I know that person is there, and it’s hard to walk away knowing it. But when she is locked in a dark room with the deadbolt on the inside, then it’s on her to choose. I’ve had too much damage done by loving an addict in my father, I can’t chain myself to a self destructive person anymore. Even though I love her, I just can’t.

One important aspect of the rock bottom era for me was that up until then I had very few real consequences. Ever. I mean, I did all kinds of crazy bullshit and fuckery and failed or quit, but generally managed to dodge responsibility and lie or cry my way didn't really suffer.

I think that helped me see myself as a sympathetic character... At worst the antihero with a redemption arc.

It's an insanely difficult thing to recognize your own villany and be productive in your response to it. Thats the work though, right?

This seems spot on. I don’t know what I all think about rock bottom and suffering and consequences. Some people need just a little push and some people never get there no matter how much they suffer. And I don’t know why or how to predict that. But I do believe that I am a grand scapegoat in her life and I don’t think that she is going to truly be able to look at herself as long as I’m around blocking the view. And regardless of all of that, I matter, and I want to pursue a sane and good life.

I don't know if you're a hugger (😏 I wouldn't hug you in person ✋🏼) but if so, I'm sending you the biggest warmest most comforting virtual hug.

I’m a hugger, and it wouldn’t be my boundary to not hug in person, but I’d respect yours. Thanks for the thoughtful message, I genuinely appreciate it.

Going back to the VAR issue... if your concerned about potential violent outbursts or false DV claims she may make after informing her you want a divorce... I would highly recommend an in-home camera system, a laptop with a camera or heck just videoing everything with your smart phone over a simple VAR audio device. Wear a shirt with a breast pocket, put you phone in the pocket with the lens exposed, you can put an object in the bottom of the pocket to raise the phone over the pocket... As a prosecutor for 20 years, I've dealt with a couple cases when I was dealing with misdemeanor Assault-FV cases where the Defendant claimed that the victim was hitting themself to cause the marks/bruises... a VAR wouldn't be able to prove who was doing the hitting, or at least not near as well as a video would. Just make sure you, you have enough storage on your phone. But the way prices have come down on camera systems (heck since COVID most laptops now come with built in cameras, plus you get a new computer) Cync Up by GE gets good reviews from Wired for indoor camera and it goes for $70.00 on Amazon.

Good luck InkHulk

You are on your way to FREEDOM. So long to having to be a punching bag to your WW's nonsense, which I suspected lasted the entire length of your marriage. (I know this is not the way you wanted things to turn out but you gave it every chance you could--and likely on top of that extra chances that you should not have given.) Well, so long to WW's nonsense as long as YOU take control and start moving on that is. So if I may ask, what are your next steps.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:04 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Ink, just wanted to chime in to say I'm sorry the cards fell this way. I know this shit is not a game, but it seems like your wife might be calling what she perceives to a bluff. And I know it might not feel like it right now, but you do have the winning hand. This crumby pile of carbon you 'win" with a divorce can turn to diamond with time.

((InkHulk))

I'm more than willing to answer and discuss... I just want to be considerate of how you might be feeling right now, and maybe you let me know if you want to continue this focus?

I just reread your first post in this thread, and HellFire's response. -Had me all in my feels again.

Just in case you need to see it again, too:

You need to believe you will be ok. Because you will be.

You need to believe you will be happy again. Because you will be.

You need to believe you will have peace. Because you will.

You need to believe you will find love again. Because you will.

You need to believe that your kids will be ok. Because, with a dad like you, how could they not be.

You need believe you did everything within your power to save this. Because you did.

You need to believe this is not your failure. It's hers.

You need to believe in IH. Because we all do.

Denial is some powerful shit, but so is hope.

I'm a believer!

ps. I can't PM because of low post count, or I would message you to get a link to your original thread.

IH, I logged in just to read for a while.

I feel heavy sad reading your updates.

I am sorry you have ever had to have this pain. You do not deserve to have it. I hope you never have any pain again. I hope nobody ever treats you anything other than good again.

You wanted to believe those things because those things are who you are.

I hope you never stop being them.