I doubt any reader sees you as a demanding a-hole. What I see is a typical husband whose whole world has been rocked, and who is in fight or flight mode.
You have your story right now on two threads, and getting IMHO advice that is going in two different paths on these threads. I’m going to focus on this one, because IMHO it has all you need. This is also the first one where we called this out as a catfishing affair – based solely on what you shared – and I encourage you to reread what I said about that type of affair.
The "let’s meet up" is usually followed with some versions of "can you pay the deposit for my flight/hotel/rental" or "Corrupt officials in my country want money for a passport" or whatever, followed by an excuse after excuse after excuse.
The last communications ended with the flight breaking down… an excuse…
Is it clear why she was sending him money? Like… did he ask for it in his posts, or did he describe events that (if true) would lead to a need for money? Events like "the plane broke down, and I am going to sleep on a bench because all my money is going to paying for mom’s cancer treatment" sort of excuses?
Be clear on one thing: This is infidelity. At some time – about three years ago – she KNEW she was crossing a line. That is totally clear. This is at the very least an emotional affair and financial infidelity. Both extremely serious, and both things that should make you reconsider whatever basis you thought your marriage was on.
Was it sexual or was it headed to a sexual affair?
Rather than speculate, then look at what you have: Does the content of the material support SEXUAL – as in racy photo’s, was there direct sexual content, sexting. Like… if your wife and OM mutually masturbated while sexting… is that still an emotional affair or has it gone to sex? IMHO the goal – the purpose – of sexually stimulating someone or expecting sexual stimulation is enough to cross the EA/PA line. Was the content geared at that? Or was it more romantic than sexual? More wishful and high brow rather than direct sexually implied?
What I do know about catfishing is that this takes on many forms that all share in common a feeding on some need. There are catfishing schemes based on animal-shelters, orphanages, teenagers forced to support their younger siblings, war-refugees… and… get-rich-schemes, young moms in abusive relationships and of course what your wife allowed herself into. As you can imagine, not all of these listed require a sexual connection.
Friend – It’s still early days… To me you don’t need to decide much or anything final right now. I think you are still in the discovery phase, and the sensible thing might be to get that phase over with or as well along as you can before settling in for any long-term resolution.
Issues I suggest you deal with:
- A complete timeline, including how she met him.
- All communications – copies of all mail, texts, photos…
- An accounting of all monies sent – you want a reason, who initiated and so on.
- An acceptable way she can be accountable to NC with this man, and any media she used to contact this man.
- She initiates and seeks IC. I would strongly encourage you to seek help too – this is a major trauma.
- Maybe after 2-3 months – if you are convinced shes respected NC – you two seek marital guidance. Before you do that though, make certain you want this marriage.
Regarding MC – I have been with my wife for a few years longer than you. We have been seeking counseling for the last half year or so – not because of infidelity but definitely triggered by a family trauma. But rather because we realize that after this long a time we fall into patterns, and those patterns aren’t necessarily good for our marriage. Like I can imagine your pattern of sleeping in separate beds, working conflicting hours and a total division in financial goals and management.
Finally: I seriously doubt your security and validity in your statements about how "safe" your house and finances are if this leads to divorce. I encourage you to consult an attorney and be 100% clear. Basically – to my understanding - this home needs to have been purchased and fully paid by you, pre-marriage and no major refurbishment or maintenance done for 27 years to be this clear-cut. I have a hard time seeing a judge fall so heavy handed on a wife of nearly thirty years if her competent attorney were to combat you on this.
You don’t have to respond or argue with me about this issue and I won’t address it again – it’s totally your call what risk YOU take. But I encourage you to consult with an attorney and be as clear as possible on the reality of your situation. If it’s not as clear as you think, consider this opportunity to get a post-nup (done by an attorney).
If you are correct… then IF you decide to remain married, I encourage you to look into how you can safeguard your wife if you were to pass away or be somehow uncapable of managing your assets, so that she’s not left on the street. Of course, if you chose to divorce this is less of an issue IMHO.
