SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So for those of you who had read my backstory my H had an affair with coworker at his previous job (he has been gone since November). Well my H seemed distant this past weekend and really just not himself (he reminded me how he acted while in his A, except depressed now) I got the courage to ask him what was wrong, since i completely trust my gut now and he let loose.

He told he his old boss who happens to be one of his good friends texted him this past weekend asking him to go to a concert with him. He also listed the people that would be going and his AP was one of them.... H didn't respond and left him on read, he was triggered by seeing her name and it made him upset. His old boss keeps asking if he is going and obv he is NOT. I told my H it is time that he sits down and tells him. I can NOT chance my H ever being in the same space as her because whether he meant to or not it would end in D (at least this early on). My H then went into a shame spiral saying he was going to invite him over to our house and tell him (with me here too). He said it was time he told him but he feels like he will lose all respect for him and he said that he didn't only betray me but a lot of other people and I know it is hard for him. When he left his old job he left them high and dry, he was the only one that knew the skills for his job and his old boss took it personal.

INSIDE I am giddy, I hope his old boss views his old AP exactly as she is and watches her better bc she will do this again (any kind of fraternization results in termination for their specific dept) I kinda hope she gets fired but that is wishful thinking... He really loves us and our kids, so maybe he will just hate her. IDK

My H has cut ties with all the other people at his old job but we both are friends with his old boss and his family, several people in my group warned me of telling too many people but I feel like we HAVE to tell him bc SHE is still in his circle if we do not and could destroy whatever we may be working towards.

Side note, I asked my H what he would have done if he ran into her at the concert without knowing, he said " I would avoid her or leave." well that was a shitty answer and when I confronted him with how shitty it was he said " I wouldn't let her ruin my good time but yes I probably would leave" (he loves music) I mean I get it but NO I told him he would leave and idgaf how much the tickets were , the price he would pay for D would be much higher. I know in his mind he thinks he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize us further but I am NOT there yet and honestly he shouldn't trust himself this much yet.

I just hate that there are still ties to her..... and that he could potentially be in the same setting unless we make it clear to the people that we still see , that see her.

Thoughts?

Groot1988

Given how recent all of this was, you are absolutely right in your insistence. Sunlight is the best disinfectant!

I asked my H what he would have done if he ran into her at the concert without knowing, he said " I would avoid her or leave."

The right answer for me would be "I would call you immediately and tell you."

Also, he should have immediately told you of the text message and the invitation that included her, and his trigger. His job is to be transparent with you in real time, or as close as possible to real time. Rebuilding trust means that he has to prioritize transparency and authenticity over protecting himself from your reactions.

SacredSoul33

I agree, I have to give him credit because the old him wouldn't have told me, he would have said "no thanks" and just went on with life. I know he is still unfortunately dealing with shame and I feel like that sometimes gets in his way of transparency, that is a good point i will bring up

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:06 PM, Monday, February 19th]

Thoughts?

Stabbing her isn't possible?

Joking! Joking. Don't stab anymore.

I think you're gambling. You should still do it, but you're gambling.

The boss could secretly have cheated in the past and gotten away with it. Could also have been cheated on. Hell, he could have been sleeping with this b--person at the same time and grow furious that she was cheating on him too.

You don't know for sure. Still, I think it should be done for the reason others already mentioned.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Notthevictem

I would do the first one in a heart beat if it was legal but still would be too good for her

Thank you, I thought of those things too but I guess the more I think about it the pros outweigh the cons (at least for me) him on the other hand , he chose to have an A.

I just hate that there are still ties to her..... and that he could potentially be in the same setting unless we make it clear to the people that we still see , that see her.

Thoughts?

I am in a good situation now because my husband and I moved away but he still works for the same company, only different location.

So the day we move back, he might have opportunities to go to an office located in a city in Europe where the ex AP goes with a certain regularity.

I don't know how I will stand my ground, but I will have to tell him that he put himself in this situation and now he will have to find a solution but I will not allow him to go on business trips anymore in certain places where I know she goes. During the pandemic they have learnt to have online meetings, so he will have to find the excuse he wants, but I will not be happy at all to let him go on a business trip where she can potentially go, too. Is he prepared to see our relationship sink? Because it will...

[This message edited by Molly65 at 7:21 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

Molly you hit it head on.

If moving was an option then I would have done it and I think he would have as well. With four small children I just don’t want to uproot them from family.

I agree with you on your feelings, that is what I told him too. They can not be around each other ever.

He mentioned again today he is going to tell him soon but his boss was a very protective husband and he openly showed how much he values his family and wife and my H was a cowardly cheater so he’s working up the courage. I really think he wants to be a good H he just needs to figure out how. I’m praying individual counseling keeps him on the right path.

Regardless people that associate with his trashy AP needs to be told or out of our lives.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 6:50 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

Update**

We told the old boss about the A this past weekend when we went over to dinner at his house with him and his wife.
BOY AM I GLAD WE DID.
I found out from his wife that his old AP was trying to set up monthly "manager" meetings at their house with her H and she immediately felt like something was off and didn't find that appropriate. Of course he never did , he isn't even friends with this girl on Social Media.
Things went great and his old boss (still one of our best friends) canceled the concert he was going to since she would have been there, he has forgiven my H for the lies and the way that he quit his job but was proud in general he quit for our marriage.
I feel like it was the last piece that was holding the AP in our life and it felt so good to cut that string.
He asked what my triggers were before I came over because he wanted to avoid any conversations that would stir up anything for either of us and I realize it is important to have GOOD people in your circle.

When I talked to his wife she said she has to ask her H 4 times if my H really had an A with her because she met her at the work Christmas party and she said she couldn't stand her as a person and that she was very unattractive in general and just had a really immature and trashy personality and couldn't see my H stooping that low.

I feel like a little piece of the weight has been lifted.

This sounds like a good milestone in your journey.

justsomeguy, thank you.

A little ray of sunshine in this huge ass storm

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 7:38 PM, Tuesday, March 26th]

I'm so glad that went well for y'all!

Now, do we pop some corn and take bets on how long she'll remain employed there?

Sacredsoul thank you ! And yes , get it ready.

He told me "I don’t want her working here now , I’ll work on fixing that "

She was a piss poor manager to begin with and my H wasn’t her first rodeo.

Groot I am so happy for you that this went well and are supported. Going through R can be a very lonely process and often feel siloed from the rest of the world.
Having a set of friends that are a couple and that they support you both and your path can be huge.
YIPPEEE.

Thank you Tushnurse, I really don't see any way to be other than having friends of the marriage.

I was so naive before and so trusting, I will never blindly trust again , that is for sure!

I know not everyone feels this way but telling people about the A in our circle was one of the best decisions we made, I don't think I could have had it any other way. The amount of support, help, and understanding we have is overwhelming. There are people that he betrayed and liked to along the way during his A , not just me. OF COURSE there are a few people in our circle saying " You should stop punishing him , he is trying" all because I say " I don't like when he tells me I am beautiful because he told her the same thing." I meeeeeeeeean I get it but I am only 6 months out, that doesn't go away that fast. I have def learned who to talk to about things and who not to.

once again thank you and I am hopeful that we will eventually get to where we need to be through this long road of hard, hard, hard work.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 1:42 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]