SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And yes, I meant anger and maybe a little bit of bitterness, but I definitely used the wrong word.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:30 PM, Monday, February 5th]

Misery,

So, I can only offer what worked for me to let go of the rage and need for some kind of "justice".

I began to think of my life and events in it as sailing through a series of different ports. I sail here and there, staying in port, dropping anchor and staying at a job, or in a relationship, with a friend, etc. My ship can be in many ports at the same time - with my kids, with my brother, with my husband, at the job I have, in the current home I live in, and even anchored in the past at places I have loved, or in places that were not loved.

I realized that my ship seemed to keep sailing back, over and over and over, to the same places that I did NOT want to visit again.

My anchor was still there, even though I left the people behind (my dad, for example), and left those events behind. I could only get so far, because the anchor chain was only so long - and I would get dragged right back down.

It seems I never cut that anchor chain - because I still wanted something from there. It was ME that was taking me back there. Me. My own anger, my demand for "justice", restitution, something to make things "even" - as though there actually is something that could make things even. I realized that *I* am in charge of my own anchors.

I decided to cut the anchor chain.

Once I made that mental cut, I sat on the imaginary dock and watched my ship sail away. I set myself free from my father.

I can still see the cut chain, the ship, and the vision of myself. And the sense of freedom from all that rage, so freeing.

I am free to sail anywhere I want to go now. I know one port I’m never bound for.

It seems I never cut that anchor chain - because I still wanted something from there. It was ME that was taking me back there. Me. My own anger, my demand for "justice", restitution, something to make things "even" - as though there actually is something that could make things even. I realized that *I* am in charge of my own anchors.

Holy hell, 5Decades, that's GOOD.

I'm very, very driven by fairness. I just want everything to be fair for everybody, and we all know that that's not realistic. Life isn't fair. Infidelity isn't fair. The OW didn't seem to experience any negative repercussions because she was single, and that's not fair. I figure that I have an anchor chain still dragging the bottom somewhere back near DDay, almost 20 years ago, trolling for fairness somewhere in the murky depths.

Whew. This is really, really good. Lots of metaphors to think about... Thank you for the lightbulb moment!

It seems I never cut that anchor chain - because I still wanted something from there. It was ME that was taking me back there. Me. My own anger, my demand for "justice", restitution, something to make things "even" - as though there actually is something that could make things even. I realized that *I* am in charge of my own anchors.

Holy hell, 5Decades, that's GOOD.

I'm very, very driven by fairness. I just want everything to be fair for everybody, and we all know that that's not realistic. Life isn't fair. Infidelity isn't fair. The OW didn't seem to experience any negative repercussions because she was single, and that's not fair. I figure that I have an anchor chain still dragging the bottom somewhere back near DDay, almost 20 years ago, trolling for fairness somewhere in the murky depths.

Whew. This is really, really good. Lots of metaphors to think about... Thank you for the lightbulb moment!

Sacred soul,

You’re welcome.

The very moment I cut that anchor chain a second lightbulb moment happened.

I realized exactly how broken my father was. How weak and pathetic and evil he is. And I suddenly understood that I was stronger, and kind, and so much a better person in who I was. It was in that moment that I found myself looking at him, and others who hurt me, from a point of strength. And I see them with pity now. They are just…..sad, weak creatures who mean nothing to me, because they hold no power anymore. None. They are of no threat, no consequence. Whatever power they once had evaporated in that moment when I saw exactly how pathetic they truly are.

The AP? Same. Every AP my husband chose was much the same - weak, clutching.

I have my weak moments, not gonna lie. But I remember those anchors and cut the chains. ⛓️. Don’t let those assholes drag me down with them. Never again.

I'm picturing the OW as Ursula from The Little Mermaid and it's helping. A lot.

New mantra: Cut the chain. Mental picture of a pair of bolt cutters...

5decades
that’s very powerful and profound cutting anchors

I wish you continue Pearce and healing.

SacredSoulSister, nah Ursula is too much of a powerful character.

The AP is more like one of Ursula's pathetic little minion eels 🤭

5Decades, this is really helpful. Thank you. I realise I have anchors floating all over the place 😬

SacredSoulSister, nah Ursula is too much of a powerful character.

The AP is more like one of Ursula's pathetic little minion eels

Yeah, but Ursula eats it in the end.

5 decades, thank you for the anchor image. I'll try to keep it in mind and see if it helps me.

One of my closest friends works in accounting, she is one of the few I have told about this mess. She suggested it might help to think of it in the same way as an economic write-off in accounting. Doesn't sound very philosophical, but it works in my mind somehow. Sometimes in business as well as life we just need to write costs off, to be able to move forward.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It almost always covers some form of pain.

That short statement bought my IC his lake house. LOL.

Joking aside. It is very true. When I feel weak, afraid or even sad anger is my protective mechanism. Anger helps me feel in control when the reality is I have no control over others or a given situation. I had to recognize that the illusion of control is not the same thing. Quite the opposite. Realizing I have no control therefore no responsibility can be freeing. (My IC's sailboat).

Being owed is different. Our WS owe us a debt they could never pay back. That is where grace comes in. It is highly personal on what it looks like to everyone (See lake house + sailboat + years of property taxes).

Again, it was not my choice to cheat on me therefore . . . control. . .responsibility. . .yadda . . .yadda.

At some point you just want to be free from those burdens. It weighs you down, constantly keeping score. If I truly offer grace then I need to look forward. It seems crazy to keep expecting a payment that can never be paid, right? If it can never be paid and never will be. . .who is really suffering with that debt? Me.

I do have control over how much I let things effect me. I have a choice to remember how gracious and therefore how awesome I am. I can look in the mirror and like what I see. One gracious, magnanimous, handsome, . . .sorry.

I forgive not because it was ok or I approve of how others have treated me. I forgive because THEY were wrong to treat me in such a manner. If they want to stay in my life then they must make amends to me. My only real choice is to hold those resentments and anger close or CHOOSE to offer grace. Whether those people continue to be in my life is a completely different topic.

I choose my reactions and how much brain space I give those reactions.

You really can only take responsibility for your own choices. You don't have to take responsibility for other people's choices, but you do have to take responsibility for how you choose to react to them.

I know that sounds simple and kind of . . .Duh, but it helps me.

Hopefully you don't have to put two therapist's children through graduate school to figure that out. (Like I did)

So what types of thoughts, insights etc helped you get over that hump?

Really, it boils down to actions. You just have to not take advantage of the opportunity to unload on him, and just let it pass. Decide you aren’t going to do it, and then don’t do it. It is hard. It takes practice. You will fail. Just note it, and move forward.

I haven’t read any of your other threads, and don’t know how long you’ve been at this. His job is to stand in the storm he created, without wavering. When you truly believe he will not waver, that he is all the way in, then it is time to be mindful.

Google on Constructive Living, a combined therapy/way to live developed by David K. Reynolds. It’s a combination of two other therapies Morita Therapy and Naikan Therapy. There’s good ideas to borrow…some quotes…

People deny reality. They fight against real feelings caused by real circumstances. They build mental worlds of shoulds, oughts, and might-have-beens. Real changes begin with real appraisal and acceptance of what is. Then Realistic action is possible.'

There's no need to get yourself to do it. Just do it.

Effort is success.

Feel despair but take out the trash.

When a house if filled with rights, there is no room for gifts.

Also, buy the book F*** Feelings. Very funny, and also on point.

Another worthy thought… In general, behavior is most controllable, cognition less controllable, and feelings least controllable in our lives.

Control what you can (behavior) while learning from the rest (feelings).

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 6:04 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

Misery,

This is such a thought provoking and helpful thread! My sense of injustice is one of the harder aspects to manage, and there is no way to even the score that I am aware of. It is a loss that has to be written off to move forward maybe. I don’t know.

I know I struggled and still do with emotional regulation. I told myself and my WH in the first months after DDay that my anger was just the hurt coming out sideways and I needed him to recognize that. I don’t think he can make these kind of connections, and I never got the grace I could have used in my overload. I had to learn to shove it down to stop the outburst and inevitable fights that came from releasing the uglier emotions.

One thought I had reading your words was that my WH’s affair drug up so much dead and buried childhood feelings of unworthiness and insignificance that I was debilitated by it. EMDR helped me to break the mental pathways that were dredging up the zombie issues I had killed decades ago. It was a slow and subtle slide into that mindset of feeling devalued, sad and angry that I didn’t realize how far down in the hole I had gotten until I couldn’t function properly anymore. I have a shifted mindset now, I can see those connections to childhood wounds, but the emotional intensity is no longer there. Once my IC had me go deep into those old wounds and feel my way out of them, and offer my inner child the love, support and kindness she deserved, I realized how inaccurate those negative thoughts were, and how damaging they were to me moving forward. It has gotten easier to just say NOPE to that overload when I step on a land mine or fall through a trap door, and that has allowed me some breathing room to see them coming and avoid them in the first place. It has been a huge game changer for me. I hope if you haven’t tried already, that EMDR might help you break those emotional chains to the past too.

Worse than the emotional onslaught for me was the guilt and self blame I would put myself through for failing to be stronger, to manage my responses so that I could function and be satisfied with how I handle myself in trying situations. It was salt in my wounds. I may never get my need for justice resolved, but I am so grateful to have some balance and control back in my life and it feels good to be proud of myself for doing the work and making progress.

Good luck to you moving forward and finding peace.