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What should the restitution be for involving the family cars with kids car seats strapped in the back in my affair?

As in the vehicle was used to carry out actions in it?

If so I would day it's down to your BS, chances are it has to go....

I had a fairly decent car, when stuff was finally revealed about what I did in it then it was decided it would go. No arguing no doubt about it....it was to go. Now I am in a piece of crap but at least it foesnt traumatise her even just being there!!

So my view, it maybe a lambo but surely a kia is better if it is going to stop their pain

I don’t see a stop sign so hoping this is allowed as a bs.

My husband traded in our vehicle on his own will after his affair. He told me that it was because he wanted to do something "nice" for us and start fresh. (He swore she wasn’t in our vehicle that he was only in hers). I think knowing he would drive that vehicle to see her a lot bothered him more than he lead on or hell she could have been in it. Idk. Either way it was the second thing to go after his new phone.

We have three kids in car seats so finding a vehicle that we could trade in for he did all the research and traded on his own.

I agree that if it’s doable and if it would help the bs then it would be a good idea.

No stop sign. BS here.

I don't think this is a one-sized fits all answer. Budget and logistics are going to influence any potential decision. For some BSs the car itself is going to be significant. In that case, it absolutely makes sense to trade the car in for something that is not going to be a constant reminder to the BS of the A. For others, the car itself wont be the focus but something else will be. For example, it may be that her real issues is that she's horrified you could do this with the empty car seats there as a physical reminder of the family you were risking.

Assuming you are trying to R, my advice to you is:

1. Let the BS's feelings on the matter direct the ultimate decision.

2. That said, don't put it all on her. Don't make her feel like the bad guy - even if it's not otherwise a wise financial decision.

3. Take charge of the issue, be the one that raises the issue and ask her for input. Don't make her do all the legwork.

4. If she wants to get rid of the car, don't pout or try to talk her out of it. Do not tell her it's unreasonable (it's not). Don't talk about it like it's a punishment. The use of the term "restitution" makes it sound like it will somehow even the scales or make things right. It wont. What it will do, hopefully, is give her some respite from the triggers she's experiencing.

5. Presuming its your car, don't treat it like a chance for you to upgrade in a frivolous, flashy way. You should not be seen as getting a bonus as a result of the A. If it does make sense financially for there to be a new (or newer) vehicle purchased, consider giving her the newer vehicle and you getting hers.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 7:37 PM, Thursday, January 18th]

BS here:

Not sure what you intend to ask regarding car seats. My wife had a physical encounter in her car with OM and utilized it to get herself to him. It causes me discomfort regularly. Not like end of the world pain, but I wish she had the insight to think about it and get rid of it. It’s a good vehicle for our family but it’s tainted for me.

Another vote for letting your BS decide. I didn't want to spend the money to get a new car. Instead, I had the car detailed inside. (If a good bicycle had been involved, I'd have done something very different. ) If detailing works for you and your BS, that saves a lot of money.

But my reco, too, is to ask your W, and just do what she wants you to do, unless you have a real financial problem paying for a different car.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:18 PM, Thursday, January 18th]

I have a similar situation that my ww resolved.

She had a hope chest and furniture from her family. She has had it since she was a little girl. She brought it into the home we made together. She had AP 2 in that bed. My discovery was years after the fact. She didn't volunteer much information in the early Days. I asked about the bed and found out about her and him on it.

I went to work. Pondered. Called her and said that I wanted the bed and mattress out before I got home.

She didn't try to persuade me. She agreed. At the time, we lived in a rural Alaskan village. It was unrealistic to pull off the chore I gave her. When I got home, the frame and mattress were gone and a basic frame, box spring, and mattress were made with new sheets.

My point is that it was her willingness to put in the effort to discard and replace for my sake that was so helpful to me. If we had to sleep on the floor with a few blankets and she was willing to sleep on the floor with me - that was what I needed to see in order to find my way to staying married.

She followed my lead and got the job done per my needs and pains.

I don’t think it’s as much about restitution as it is about what your BS need from you to help with their healing. I’m a WS but I would be very concerned for a BS whose WS wasn’t willing to bend over backward to do whatever can be done to eliminate any triggers possible. Your BS’ healing and comfort need to be your priority. If I was willing to give up both of my kidneys it still wouldn’t be "restitution" for my betrayal. I can’t make restitution. I can’t pay him back in anyway that will make up for what I did. Luckily for me he was able to settle for me doing what I can to make him safe in our relationship and make myself a better partner and healthier person.