SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My dd and divorce was years ago. My kids were very little and didn't know the details, well mainly because they were 4 and 7. My/there therapist told me that they would ask when they were ready. They have never asked. My ex married his affair partner a couple of months after the divorce, but shockingly it only lasted a couple of years.

Anyway, my brother's marriage is ending, mainly because of infidelity. His kids and my kids know all the details because they knew the people involved as did many friends and well, they are all teens/young adults. My daughter, when told, said something about supporting her cousins, but not really knowing how to navigate a marriage ending because of cheating. Because I was driving and she was driving, and well shock that she hasn't actually put it together, didn't correct her. She's close to her cousins, but I'm not sure that they even know the details of my divorce. My son hasn't said anything, I'm about 99% sure he knows what went down. Do I bring it up or wait for it to come up in conversation again. Both my kids have recently said some pretty hateful things about their aunt which first of all breaks my heart because she was like a sister to me and I miss her (I know I need to process this), but makes me think that they have no idea about their father. Of note, my stepson said the same thing about my brother's separation, and he's 24 and hasn't figured out why his parents marriage ended either. Another wrench is the while my ex is not supporting my son in college, he did contribute some money for my dtr's first semester. I kinda want that to continue for the next 3 years...

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer. You know your kids best. Knowing my DD, if it were me, I would leave it up to her to ask. She knows she can ask me anything and is not shy about asking. Based on conversations we have had about her friends and their parents, she is not a fan of what she considers oversharing. That doesn't mean that is the right approach for everyone.

Also, if he is helping with college expenses maybe now isn't the best time to stir the pot.

I'm not against talking about it with them, but before you do, I think you should consider what you hope to get out of it. How do you think they react, or better yet, how do you hope they will react? Do you want them to be more sympathetic toward your soon-to-be ex-SIL? Have they ever expressed any hostility or blame toward you for the fact that you and their father divorced? Do you want to give your children guidance on how to best provide support and comfort to their cousins?

As for fear that your ex will stop contributing financially to your daughter's college if you dredge this up, does your divorce decree require him to pay for college? I'm assuming not (since he didn't pay for your son) but if it is, don't hesitate to go after him in court to ensure he fulfills his responsibilities. If there's no mandate that he pay and you're worried about the consequences of "poking the bear," it might be worth holding back, for your daughter's sake.

However, if your kids ever explicitly ask about the circumstances of your divorce, I definitely don't think you shouldn't lie to them or minimize, even if it pisses off your ex. You can't put a price on trust and honesty in a relationship.

Ehh, I’ve been pretty clear with my kids. I didn’t believe in divorce before I got married. My father running off with his affair partner and abandoning us to raise her kids instead of us was pretty devastating. My mom never got over it either. Fast forward 20 years and my husband was the cheater. One middle schooler, 3 preschoolers at the time. I turned myself inside out to save the marriage, but I wasn’t hiding shit. I don’t lie. The middle schooler knew what happened at the time. I wasn’t accepting responsibility for his father moving out for six months. He moved back in and we tried to save it, but that was horrible in its own way. I divorced him eventually but I did everything possible to keep him in his kids lives, something I never had. And I worked really hard not to talk shit about him. But I am not accepting responsibility for the divorce. I have straight out explained some of the dynamics to my kids, more every year, a lot in the hopes that they will be much more careful than I was when it comes time to find life partners and make a relationship work. They know we married in haste to people we didn’t know, they know we both made mistakes as married people, they know their father had one confirmed romantic sexual affair, maybe more, they know he is basically a decent guy who chose a really shitty selfish coping mechanism, they know it cost all of us something, they know they themselves are more important than us and whatever struggles we have as a couple or post couple and that we have and will always do whatever we can to make sure they are loved and supported by both their parents. But I’m not lying and hiding things. Their other parent has cornered the market on that.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes, my daughter does ask many questions and we have a very open relationship. I too am fairly surprised that she's never asked for more detail. They both know that it was instigated by their father, but clearly not the specifics. No, our divorce agreement doesn't outline college payment. Our divorce went to a judge, and in my state the court can not obligate child support or college payment past the age of 18 or graduation of high school. I think I'll sit on it for a while, thank you everyone for supporting what I was leaning towards in the first place.