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I am just over 9 months from DDay 1 and 7 months from DDay 2–additional information

I struggled with going to sleep in the months after DDay, mostly because when I closed my eyes, it was like a projector playing a movie of my WH having sex with his AP. This did go away, I’m in IC, he is in IC and the changes are incredible. We are also in a marriage class with other couples going through infidelity.

I thought the horrible mind movies were over and then last night they started again, just as awful as before. I hardly slept because I don’t want to close my eyes. Why????Why does this have to happen again. I do not want to go through this for months again, but to be honest, I can’t remember what help me move past them last time, any ideas?

My WH is doing the work, reading books in his own, listening and bringing me podcasts that he connects with, diligently working with his therapist and has been NC since the day after DDay, which he told me on his own before ending it with her the next day.
I say those things not to defend him, as he caused this mess, but to say it isn’t something from him triggering this I don’t believe. To be honest, he’s never shown more care for me in our 23 years of marriage.
Any help is appreciated.

A few thoughts ...

Sometimes life goes too well. That is, you've just been traumatized ... you're healing ... your lizard brain is afraid new trauma is just around the corner even though all the actual vibes from life are positive. Or you really want something from a friend ... after months of telling yourself it's not possible, but you ask anyway - your friend says, 'Yes! That's a really good idea!' ... you start wondering about the obstacles that are dooming your effort to defeat....

*****

My mind movies were usually about sex. One technique I used that helped was to let the movie go to the end. The end was either absurd or boring or so awful that I knew that particular outcome was impossible.

Also, have you seen https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/? That might help.

*****

I found that healing was sort of cyclical. I often found myself dealing with issues that I thought I had already resolved. In the end, I concluded that the issues were similar, but not the same. Each time the issue was deeper. I think my system just needed time and healing in order to go that deep.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:38 PM, Monday, January 8th]

I'm sorry you are going through this. My healing was difficult because I am a check list person. When I set out to do something I plan step by step. Recovering from infidelity throws that right out the window, two steps forward, one step back. I can assure you that it never completely goes away but your Lizard brain will settle over time. I trained it with positive experiences related to the infidelity. for example, my WW made a excuse to spend the 4th of July with her AP, I was by myself that night. Leading up to the one year antiversary of 4th, I was so triggered I wanted to stay home and stay in bed. Some friends invited us to get together and reluctantly I went, and had a blast. We have made it a tradition that I look forward to every year, now when the 4th of July is mentioned I have a positive reaction to it (unless someone says July 4, 2019).

As far as mind movies, they have gotten less but still are very hurtful. The main thing that helped me was my self esteem has been re established. The AP doesn't even cross my mind because he is so inferior to me and my standards, my WW had to lower hers to even be with him.

Couple of thoughts…

You don’t hate them. You love them. If you allowed yourself, you could think about them 24/7. Most fascinating thing in the universe.

They aren’t movies you watch, they are plays you put on. You create them anew each time. Your the director and producer of the plays. I guess you could say you are the actors too. You are in charge of every aspect of every scene.

It’s helpful to be honest about your relationship to the thoughts. When you start to go down the rabbit hole, shift your focus of attention from the play you are putting on to the question, why now? Contemplate on that.

Another tidbit, this one is great: it is impossible to have a tense mind and a relaxed body. The tension in your mind will leak through to your body. You can use this as kind of a ju jitsu on yourself, when laying in bed ruminating, just start thinking about your foot, and relax it. Feel the muscles give in. Then other foot. Calf. Hand. Random spots where you identify tension. Look for it and relax it.

Doing so will relax the mind, oddly enough. It has too, because you can’t have a tense mind and a relaxed body.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with these. They are very painful. Something I found helped me when I would get these would be to sit still, allow the feeling to be felt, do some deep breathing and try to not act on my emotion. I would attempt to identify the deeper feeling I was experiencing when the mind movies would play and try to see if it was triggering past trauma within me.

I learned that emotions that felt similar to emotions I felt in past unresolved trauma would trigger said past trauma. I would then try to see if I could comfort myself in that space and love myself through it. Allow myself to feel all of the feels, to journal, to show self compassion and work through it. I also practiced telling myself I was not there (when WS and AP were having sex). That the mind movie I was having wasn’t a true reflection bc I was not there. I would then try to stop it if I could, tell myself this wasn’t real, and it was only hurting me to play it out. IC helped me move through these immensely.

@sisoon-
Thank you for your words. You presented this in a way I haven’t thought about - not fighting them, but letting them finish, in weird or unremarkable ways.
Even more so I appreciate the thought of looking at the next layer of emotion that needs to be dealt with. I’ve said this a number of times in this journey, when I feel like I have a handle on something, it’s like an onion and a new layer is revealed. Like I couldn’t tackle it all at once but must work through it layer by layer.

Tanner- thank you for responding and sharing things to help me along my journey. I have wished many times through this that I could have a checklist. In life I don’t mind doing the work, love getting things done and being productive— this recovery, unfortunately isn’t linear, at least for me and I wish it were!
I appreciate what you mentioned about the AP as well, I am working on that. My WH had absolutely no standard when he entered his affair- his AP had nearly every quality he’s always been disgusted by. As he said, she made abundantly clear she was available to him, with no work or commitment, and he thought so poorly of himself, he thought it would make him feel better. I will continue to work on myself hoping to reach the place you have made it to.

HouseofPlane- thank you for your thoughts as well. I appreciate a different way of looking at my situation, as I am truly trying to work towards healing. I can see how this would be better seen as a play, this allows me to take control of those scenes. Maybe I had control the whole time, however as a movie, it felt like it was happening to me. I will be working in my thoughts in this area.
I do not agree that I love these movies or plays or whatever we call them. I do not think of them 24/7 or have to stop myself from doing so. Literally the only time they occur is when I close my eyes to sleep. It happened frequently in the first few months and then they were gone. I was surprised by them the other night, and wish to be rid of them, not play them 24/7.
I usually do meditation to get my day started, however the day these started again I did my meditation just before bed. No idea if it was connected. I’m sure there are deeper feelings I need to dig into and let myself feel.

Maise - thank you for sharing your experiences. I appreciate hearing from others and how they have been able to work through these issues.
I need to be reminded to really look at the feelings and not act on them emotionally, but allow them to be processed and accepted. I appreciate you responding.

FWOM, how goes it?

Curious if you shifted your meditation back to the AM, and the mind stuff resolved.