SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a long while since I posted.

This forum back in 2019/2020 gave me so much support and advice.

I am one year out from Divorce and 4 from DD

I won’t go over my story again but I wanted to talk about moving on!

It’s been so hard! I live on an island and the dating pool is tiny. I’ve been on and off with on line and have had nothing but painful experiences.

The first women I met became a bunny boiler and was very controlling and manipulative, but after time I managed to get rid of her after going back multiple times! I ignored red flags!!!

The second woman, I’ve met really nice, but she had an ex in the background which I didn’t know about. There were so many red flags which are just ignored I kept going back I just don’t understand why though?

I feel numb and I’m struggling to let anyone in.

Why can’t I cut people off? Why do I go back to these wrong people?

I hate hurting peoples feelings but I seem to attract people who won’t let go of me

I’m no expert on healing because I’m still clawing my way out of hell. I hope some other members can give you more immediate advice.

One thing that does stand out to me though is why are you stuck on this island? Can you move temporarily or permanently for your own healing and needs?

Thank you so much for the reply.

I think my only main reason for being here is my two Kids, I have split custody so I have them half the week, I do half of the school runs. I love having the kids and that is what has kept me here, my youngest is 10.

The one thing I have really noticed is my lack of friends now the marriage is over, most friends were joint and her side so the contact there has broken If I never had my kids like I do I would have moved for sure.

My next big thing will be the AP being around my kids, my WW and AP are together but have never come out in pubic or to the children it's absolute bizarre. she never admitted to her 2 year affair and did everything to Gaslight me and protect herself and her AP being very cruel in the process.

I think the dating I have done and the short realationships I have had maybe caused more damage. This last person I met last February time seemed lovely at the time but as time went I found out she was still in contact with her Ex Boyfriend. Her best friend ended up sharing everything with me and even went as far as showing me the messages and contact. I ended this however before Christmas I felt low and texted her, she was fast to reply and ended up bring over a stack of Xmas Presents and a card telling me she loved me! All very Bizarre!

I get that about your kids. I was in a similar spot but because I lost my job and pretty much everything I had to leave for my own survival. I hate not being there for my kids every day but I really think it’s for the best. I’m not suggesting you up and leave but I’d at least explore options of leaving or alternative lifestyles for your own sake.

It sounds like you’ve been unlucky with dating. You’re right to get yourself away from toxic relationships, who wants to go through it again?
I’d start with individual counselling and reading up on narcissistic behaviour so you don’t attract the wrong people and know the red flags to look for.

Good luck, I can’t find your story but I imagine it’s similar to mine so I know the hell you’ve been through.

I jumped into dating too soon after my S. It was unintentional, but it happened. The relationship was fraught with difficulties and ended up doing me some harm. So I stayed single for 3.5 years, occasionally wading into the waters of OLD. I would not recommend it.

Taking the time to just be alone and really get to know myself was invaluable. It allowed me to become a much better version of myself. In fact, I started to worry that I enjoyed being alone to much.

I ended up meting my present Gf at dance lessons and things are going well. I don't need a relationship, but it does add to the quality of my life. I ghink that puts me in a much healthier place.

You've had a series of relationships that have not worked. I'd recommend exploring who you are. Go on some solo trips. Do things socially on your own. Join a class. Take yourself out to a pub and listen to a band. These things can be very healing.

Until you heal, all dating should be off the table. What does healed look like? Well, when you live yourself the way you used to love your partners. You become capable of putting yourself first because you finally gave yourself permission to. Once you love yourself the way you're supposed to ANYONE treating you unacceptably is booted to the curbside immediately. You are comfortable being single and prefer it until only someone who van add to your life comes along. She'll have to be pretty amazing because you truly enjoy your own company. Once these are your go to behavior patterns, then you can start dating. Until then, you'll keep dating shitty people.

@StillLivin your reply is brilliant. And so right.

I am starting to enjoy my own space and I feel a little selfish a strange feeling. It's a strange feeling I cant see myself with anyone again anytime soon.