SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I was a longtime poster here. Been in R for a long time. 15 years.

BS and I have been happy. I have been very successful on my career. I am closer to family. Our cat died this year which was heartbreaking but he lived a great long life with us.

I came home last night and my BS was asking me about my bed being shifted off the frame. He has been out of town. I had no idea what he meant but bottom line is he was triggered and thought I was perhaps having some sex antics that forcefully displaced the mattress.

Oh boy.

I know the drill. I take ownership. I told him absolutely not and he can look through my phone or anything he needs. I literally have not lied not even a fib since 2010 when I found this forum. I don’t need to lie. I have done the work. I have been to the lowest point. I am better. But there is no way he will ever 100% be able to trust me again.

He believed me but I know he was affected and had thought the worst.

He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it. He just wants me to be happy. Naturally I don’t buy that. Seemed like something he was saying to deflect the possibility of pain. He was devastated by my infidelity - it was so awful to see that pain. When I finally "got it" it stop took years to earn his trust again.

Not sure why I am writing this. Well maybe I am. First of all, positive. We are 15 years out and survived infidelity. We are each other’s best person. But also. It never goes away. And I see in here how some Waywards want it just to go away. But it won’t. And I am ok with that. It’s part of me. And us. It made me change and become a more authentic me. I did terrible things, but I am a good person and I am worthy of genuine love.

So hope.

MP

Forgot to remove the stop sign. Sorry.
MP

It never goes away. You did right by allowing full access. As a BS it is hard even when things are going good. Is it A season for him?

I removed the stop sign.

On a more personal note, girl it’s always nice when you pop in even if it’s just to get a little support.

I think triggers are likely to happen on occasion. It’s how we react to them that makes the difference. The work never really stops, it’s just not taking the spotlight of our lives anymore.

So glad to hear that you are doing well.

Heartbrokeninaz
That’s a good pickup- it actually is A season as we say. I am not sure my BH thinks in those terms- he says he doesn’t but hard to say. In other words he would say any time of year is same.

Hi WOES!!!

It never goes away. And I see in here how some Waywards want it just to go away. But it won’t. And I am ok with that. It’s part of me. And us. It made me change and become a more authentic me. I did terrible things, but I am a good person and I am worthy of genuine love.

Amen. 19y out and you're right - it won't ever go away. We have learned to embrace the suck and use the triggers as a catalyst for deep conversations that enhance our intimacy.

Mrs. Panda

I'm about 4 decades past my Merde Panini - and trust never returns 100%

Mr. Panda - I understand his mindset.

It is so very good you offered the things you did. However, I wager he knows you could get around any ways of leaving any residues. He takes your word as you have "done the work" although he still has to wrestle with that little birdie that reminds him of his past experience.

Thanks for stopping by and Best Wishes for your Holidays!

You've done a good job of trying to earn the trust of your BH. Like you already acknowledged, it never goes away. The trust can never return 100%, that's the damage from infidelity. Not every WS is aware of the pain they have put their BS through. They'd rather it be not discussed again once the initial dust has settled. They don't know that healing/recovery are still ongoing years after the D-day. I am 5 years out as a BS, I am still healing and wishing that it never happened. I still wish I can go back in time before I found myself in this new life which I did not bring upon myself. Well, it is what it is.

Mrs Panda,

You wrote, He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it. He just wants me to be happy. Naturally I don’t buy that.

That is a profound statement, my interpretation of it is that he feels he is not good enough to make you happy, deep down he may have felt that way for years and years.

Your two affairs proved that to him in his mind, if I read your summary correctly you had two?

You recovered, BH less so, men tend to keep so much inside, because to show pain is to show weakness which we can't do after already being weakened by affairs.

I understand how he feels for years I stoically accepted that I could come home on any given day and get the speech from my WW and find out about an OM I never knew.

He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it.

As a member of the betrayed, this resonated with me the most. It’s some of the darkest moments when you have to accept that no matter what progress your WS makes, no matter how much your M improves, and no matter how much you do actually trust again, just a simple change in the "atmosphere" can cause that old break to flare up and ache again. It can hurt even more, in a different and isolating kind of way, when things are otherwise really good. Whether in the most constructive way, it seems like your BH invited you into this lonely place (we frequently just fight those demons in solitude). If so that was a gift.

So while you may not have bought the book based on the cover, perhaps it’s worth cracking open some of those pages. There’s likely much much more to this story beyond whether or not he trusts you. (And he’s saying that when he says he just wants you to be happy). In my mind (don’t have the experience) this is what I would imagine healing together to look like.

He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it. He just wants me to be happy. Naturally I don’t buy that.

IDK the full history of your situation. I have a similar thought but it goes more to "trust" or lack of trust.

I caught my WW in an EA 2 years into our marriage. We fought and she left me. She asked to come home and I agreed as long as she went NC. She didn’t. The affair went on 7-8 more months and turned physical. We conceived our daughter (yes mine) while she was in an active affair. I asked if she had no intention of breaking it off, why come home? (Queue drooling, dumb look and mumbling….). She went on to have 9 more affairs over 18 years. D-Day came 18 years after her last affair. More lying, TT and minimizing ensued.

It’s not that I don’t "care" if she had affairs. It’s just if that is lifestyle she wanted to live, I would have preferred she just tell me and we had gone our separate ways. I resent the fact she dragged me along with her on her infidelity journey. If screwing around made her happy, fine, she just didn’t (and doesn’t) have the right to ruin MY life in the process.

She "had the balls" to do those things then. She should have them to confess totally and completely now and "clean up her mess". If she finds herself tempted again, I care less about the act and MUCH MORE about the possible deception. She’s free to do what she wants with her body. Just not while married to me. Your BH likely feels the same. It’s less about "you being happy" than him not wanting to be "lied to and unhappy" again….

Survus makes a good point.

That is a profound statement, my interpretation of it is that he feels he is not good enough to make you happy, deep down he may have felt that way for years and years.

You should have a lifelong ongoing conversation about this aspect of your past and present.

For instance, due to work schedules my FWS and I have had to sleep separately on a frequent basis. Even when she could sleep in the same bed, she often does not. Her interpretation, "I don't want to disturb your sleep". My interpretation is very different.

Hi Mrs Panda. First if all, thanks for taking off the stop sign allowing BSs to comment.

Congratulations on a successful career and for continuing in reconciliation. I too was successful in my career but failed utterly in R after a miserable decade in my first marriage post Dday.

When reading your comment about your Husband suspecting a new betrayal over an askew mattress, I just got......sad. Very very sad.

See, I get it. PTSD born of marital treason is the worst thing that has happened to me and that says a lot. Had an abusive, tumultuous upbringing. Lost close loved ones to terrible disease. As bad as they were, they were not as negatively impactful as my first wife's betrayal. Not even close. I wrote here recently that there is an impact crater on my soul that will always be there, though Ive come a long long way through years of hard work, much good therapy and the love and support of a fabulous woman (also a survivor of a brutal betrayal). Check out the Holmes-Rehe stress analysis and see where divorce and infidelity are ranked. They place it below death of a spouse but I would disagree. I would place it above (full disclosure, my wifes betrayal was with my erstwhile "best friend", thus my SI moniker).

To read that your BH went to these lengths:

He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it.

Made me take a long breath, more of a sigh. This is how deep it goes. That the fear of being in the dark and blindsided by another betrayal would be worse than just betraying him in the light of day. And that this would somehow bring "happiness" to you after 15 years is tragic, but I get it.

That said, your response was excellent, healthy, strong and affirming. Full of compassion and empathy. Sure wish my first wife had exibited a tithe of what you just expressed:

Oh boy.

I know the drill. I take ownership. I told him absolutely not and he can look through my phone or anything he needs. I literally have not lied not even a fib since 2010 when I found this forum. I don’t need to lie. I have done the work. I have been to the lowest point. I am better. But there is no way he will ever 100% be able to trust me again.

I nodded my head when I read this in total affirmation. I hope this acted as a bit of salve on that old deep wound he carries around with him.

So, again, thanks for sharing. It was very helpful. Strength to you to keep doing what youre doing....loving, compassionate, empathetic, transparent, accountable, consistent action over time.

Solidarity to your BH. Has he/does he post here? If not, would love to see him participate and be able to support him too.

Finally, condolences on tbe loss of your furbaby. Those little guys and gals get deep in our hearts ❤️

Mrs Panda,

It really feels like there is something missing from the recovery.

Did you ask BH if he still has questions unanswered.

Did he ever confront the OMs or expose them or bring some kind of pain to them.

I runswept for 25 years then changed my mind about being recovered, time is no guarantee.

Even with the best of effort and intent of both the WS and the BS there might be things that working together can’t fix…
I have shared this a couple of times on this site, but about 10-15 years into my present marriage I had some serious jealousy issues and trust issues with my wife. This is not the fiancé that cheated on me and to-date I haven’t had reason to realistically think she has cheated. But at that time… I was near-certain.
I had other issues like I couldn’t eat or see cauliflower (too much like brain-matter), had anxiety-attacks if I saw kids under six years old playing near a road, couldn’t tolerate any touch to my neck… things I associated with events as a cop. I went to an IC who quite quickly diagnosed me with PTSD. The biggest cause of PTSD though was not being cut by someone trying to kill me, or picking up body-parts of a child, but the trauma of walking in on my then-fiancé and OM.

It took a couple of sessions for me to learn the tools to deal with this. To handle the PTSD. How successful was it? Well… We are still married and happier than ever, and for lunch she made me home-made cauliflower-soup.

My suggestion would be this:
Tell Mr. Panda that you feel sad that your actions in the past still trigger him. Tell him that you are not being unfaithful to your marriage and that you are willing to be totally open to convince him about that. But also tell him that the trauma at the time was so intense that it can leave scars that are constantly being reopened, and that for his own good you strongly suggest he get’s IC to deal with PTSD. Tell him your friend Bigger (who is about as macho as they get) got a new lease on life by dealing with his PTSD.

Have you considered asking your H about his triggers? I wonder if your H thinks about your A constantly, which I think would be a big problem, or triggers very occasionally.

At almost 13 years out, I trigger very occasionally, and the triggers are generally annoyances. Every couple of years, I trigger somewhat seriously, but I always know when I'm triggering. If the triggers got stronger or more frequent, I'd get help, but I'd talk with my W first.

So I recommend asking your BS what's going on with him. I'd also ask if he was good with your response. There may be an issue here that you can resolve. It could also be just one of those triggers that are probably inevitable for BSes.

Mrs Panda,

One thing you wrote really stands out, He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it. He just wants me to be happy.

Naturally I don’t buy that.

Not sure if you are reading, but your post about your BHs statement was one I could have made to my WW, but have not yet said it.

After reading some of your older posts it may be true that you suppressed your BHs recover by dismissing or redirecting his questions in subtle ways. You wrote in an earlier post that your BH never asked sexual questions which I find odd for most men, but it's likely he thinks about it many times a day.

Does he fear losing you for your financial support.

You wrote, He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it. He just wants me to be happy. Naturally I don’t buy that.

That is a profound statement, my interpretation of it is that he feels he is not good enough to make you happy, deep down he may have felt that way for years and years

.

Yeah, you guys are as perceptive a bunch as when I was a heavy poster years ago. Congrats on finding the fly in the ointment :)

Survus, thank you for the interest in my story and it is good to have sounding boards. Is he worried about losing financial support? Probably not. He has never cared about money and has always said he would live in the woods if I were gone. Moreover, if he did not believe I would never leave him strapped I would think I would legally have to pay alimony. But I’m not a lawyer. Thank goodness. Sorry not sorry.

My BH is not on this site that I know of. He has always rejected counseling or group support of any kind. He does have supportive friends and family that know what happened (his brother, mom, best friends, sister) and they suppprt both of us. I am glad they don’t hate me and actually still love me.

He never confronted the OM. Lord knows he wanted to. I think he felt safer for him not to. He is a wonderful man, with emotional depth, and I think he was afraid he might not be able to control his rage.

Although I have always said he can bring it up, or I can, and we can talk about it, he does not. He says he does not need to. He does not want to. Only once in a while.

Part of the "wanting me to be happy" is that we do not have a very active sex life. He has always been less inclined on that than myself, which is part of why he blames himself. (I don’t blame him). It’s just a general imbalance of that aspect of the relationship. But we do align enough, and we are happy. I know he worries that this is inadequate and I worry that he worries. If anything it is my fault, as I am constantly absorbed in work and not doing my part when it comes to love languages.

Thanks all of you for responses. Feel free to keep questioning. Hi to old timers like sisoon and Bigger.

Part of the "wanting me to be happy" is that we do not have a very active sex life. He has always been less inclined on that than myself, which is part of why he blames himself. (I don’t blame him).

Hey MrsPanda, has your BH had his T levels checked? If hes in his 50s, it could well be a factor (ask me how I know). If it is an issue there is medical treatment but it involves regular injections. There are also excellent natural supplements, some with clinical studies to back their claims...just a thought.

I want to emphasize what I suggested.
Look – I am a relatively logical person that can control emotions. In my LEO training we learned how to cope with all sorts of stuff. In my present career I am known for analytical logic and for getting projects mired in negativity and issues on-track and on-budget. I don’t get angry, I don’t allow emotions to cloud my judgement.
I KNEW what caused my aversion to cauliflower. Might seem trivial, but that includes all pictures of brains, brain-material and all that. I KNEW that my actions the day that initiated that trigger were 100% correct. Somebody had to do what I did, and I was best suited. I KNEW that there was no connection to what I had to do and the cauliflower in the lunch-buffet at work. Yet I would trigger if I saw it and feel nauseous and start sweating.
Same with my kids and grandkids if they were playing within 5 yards of the curb. Even in my quiet and low and slow traffic residential lane. Started when they turned about 4 and when they turned 6 I was fine. Maybe because that child I was the first responder to was about five…

I KNEW the reasons, knew and understood how illogical the triggers were… Yet I triggered.

I needed professional help, and once I got that it only took 2-4 sessions to teach me how to cope.
In retrospect I only wish I had gotten help at least a decade earlier.

I hope you can get that message to your husband. It doesn’t reflect on any inability of his to cure – in fact getting help is his ability to cure. It doesn’t mean that the pain wasn’t caused by the affair or he is weak or whatever. It simply means that some issues are better left to professionals.