SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
It has been years since I have been here. SI helped me through the worst time in my life and unfortunately I'm back to share and to provide support too.

I dipped my toes in the dating pool for the first time since my divorce 6 years ago. It was with a friend (and next door neighbor) who was a widower. We started as friends, it grew more intimate and wonderful and he suddenly ended it last month with a "it's me not you" he's not in a good place to date, stressed/burned out at work, drinking too much to cope, and can't be a reliable dating partner.

It has been a month and I'm still really struggling. I'm in therapy, going to the gym regularly. Just feeling so down/depressed and I deeply miss my friend. Plus, it is bringing up all of the old feelings of being abandoned, rejected, and unwanted by my ex. I did SO much work in therapy on this and here it is. Still working on this in therapy...

Any words of wisdom you have to share? I have another date planned this weekend, but my heart isn't in it. I'm thinking of taking a break to lick my wounds.
Questions for you all -
- how do you manage dating after divorce/abandonment? When do you know you are ready?
- Is there ever a possibility of being friends with an ex? We started as friends and I love his companionship. He's not in a great place and has his own dragons to slay, but we did have a strong bond as friends. Or is this just really foolish.
Thanks for your support.

Sending positive thoughts and SI mojo.

I have never dated a widow but I have heard it can be complicated. I don’t think someone else’s issues are a reflection of you necessarily.

One thing I have noticed about me is that I tend to abandon myself in relationships. I am not saying you do. I am just saying that I think I need to do good things for me to stay in balance. So my advice is for betrayed’s to take exquisite care of themselves.

My self care is to stay at least 100 miles and no contact away from exwh because I have no clear evidence that he has in any way changed.
That makes him dangerous to me like a scorpion or a poisonous reptile. This is not the case for everyone’s exwh. But I do not open up my life and heart to active waywards. Not as partners. Not as friends. They just are not (pardon the metaphysical physics analogy) "on my wavelength. The good news is that there are plenty of people who are!

Change of mindset…
I don’t think it’s realistic, healthy or even possible to date with the intention of the person you are dating automatically being THE ONE. Might happen, but then it’s over time. Once we realize the shiny exterior is matched by an acceptable interior.

Instead, date to have companionship, to get to know someone, to experience new things, to have someone go out with. Heck… even for the sex and intimacy. Whatever. But allow the "aha! This is the one!" to happen rather than expect it to happen.

I also think that we older people (well… at about 40 plus) should be looking for the least number of faults… Like I personally wouldn’t expect a relationship with a smoker to last, simply because I can’t be bothered with the stink. Nor would I want someone with active substance issues, or financial irregularities. Simply because I can’t be bothered trying to fix or heal someone. I’m fine with people having these habits or problems – I just can’t bother to make them mine. Discovering these issues is part of dating, and should be at the "I don’t think this will work" part IMHO.