Are you in MC? This sounds like a perfect thing to address and practice in MC. My husband and I spent a lot of time working on this and it was absolutely
One of the things that I learned and had to work on while working on R was that it's nearly impossible for most people to find empathy when they are being attacked. It's basically human nature to shut down and/or become defensive when you are being yelled at. It engages a person's primative fight/flight/flee reflexes. I found that if I was able to express my trigger/anger/upset more calmly and using MC language
When I was able to do this, he was better able to recognize what I was saying wasn't an attack, but a bid for assurance and comfort and an opportunity for him to comfort me. He was then able to respond with empathy and to focus on my hurt rather than his protection. It eventually resulted in would take something that previously could have spiralled and turned into an argument (where I ended up feeling MORE lonely and scared and triggered), into a moment of connection.
I am forever recommending it, but if you haven't read the pinned article in the Wayward section called things every WS needs to know, I really recommend you do so. It contains a bit of a script that I found really helped my husband to know what to say when I was triggering. I'll reproduce it below:
HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, "I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again."
These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:
A statement of gratitude.
An expression of your love.
An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.
An admission that you caused their pain.
An expression of your sense of shame.
A promise that it will never happen again
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.
I'm sure it sounds silly or artificial to have a script (obviously, put your own words in), but it really helped my husband who often clammed up when I was triggered because he didn't know what to say and was afraid of saying something that might make things worse. When he wasn't triggered himself, he was certainly capable of feeling empathy but expressing it (particularly in a way that I could hear) was more difficult for him. Having a script to follow gave him some confidence, and I must say, it typically worked at diffusing my anger. He had asked me so many times what I wanted him to do and I never really knew in the moment when I was escalated and sometimes I wanted something different each time. The script basically covers all your bases .
It's not an easy process. It wasn't always linear. Neither of us handled things perfectly and we made a ton of mistakes, but the things we worked on in MC and following this script when dealing with triggers helped a lot.
Good luck.