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I finally figured out why I hate the AP so much.
I am jealous of her.
I am jealous of what she got from my WH. Love, affection, intimacy, gifts, vacations, attention, ILYs, time.
She got what WH had not given me in a long time.
WH was way more into her than she into him. She was somewhat detached and "used" him for her pleasures.
Her ego was boosted to the high heavens knowing WH risked everything for her. She must have gotten off on WH professing his love for her, taking time away from the family to be with her, and making her feel special.
She got all the "good" stuff while I got stuck with grief, sadness, rejection, betrayal, lies, and hurtful words.
She’s the one who dumped him so it’s not like she’s heartbroken over the end of the relationship.
How the hell do I get over this jealousy and move on?

When you realize that the anger is misdirected and you work on not letting the AP take up headspace.

Your WH deserves your anger because he should have directed all of that towards you and not AP. If it wasn't her, it probably would have been another. She wasn't anything special and has really crappy morals.

Have you read Honey, they always affair down? It's in the JFO forum:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

I am jealous of what she got from my WH. Love, affection, intimacy, gifts, vacations, attention, ILYs, time.

I get this. And you're right, she did get those things.

But.

He wasn't giving her those things because he really felt all of that about her. He was doing it to purchase her time and affection and fill the bottomless void that is his ego. How sad is that?

As for what she felt or not... who cares? She is a morally bankrupt collection of empty human skin. Her opinions, thoughts, and feelings matter about as much as an ant fart.

I get the jealousy, I really do. But you get past it when you look at the affair for what it really was, and honey it was never about 'love'. Neither of them are capable of that.

(((cedarwoods))) I get it I really do. My xWS's MOW was 25 years old compared to my 40 at the time of discovery. I agree with those that said the anger should be directed at your WS. They are the ones who opened this can of worms. You wouldn't be feeling this way had he not cheated, I agree with the others to look at her morals. Looks fade over time and there are always people that are better than us in some way or to be envied. I'm sure there are things about yourself that you are proud of that she doesn't have. I would work on loving yourself more and to hell with your WS. He's a loser just like the OW, same morality.

You are on a different path to her.

When I had to deal with this mess and hold my family together I think of my maternal grandmother. She died at 94, near blind, bent over with osteoporosis, and beautiful, dignified by her age. If she went out to a cafe, young people tended to gather around her, even staff and strangers, to catch her conversation. She shone. She was a good person who I still think of often, over a decade after she passed. That’s the path I’m trying to walk, in my own way.

Cedarwoods,

There is a great deal of justification for you jealousy.

Even with all the talk about what the OW got was a fantasy a fake person a delusion, we know what we saw and heard and we know that we haven't had that level of passion for a long time. Had there not been complicating factors my WW would be with OM1, likely not for long.

When our spouses try to dismiss their affair or minimize it it feels patronizing like when a parent tries to downplay something to a child.

Ellie
You ask a good question… why the hell do i care what she felt? I think part of me wants her to feel remorse and guilt over what she did. I want the good feelings she had during the affair to be negated by the fact that it was all a fantasy. I don’t want her to walk away thinking she’s hot shit. I don’t want her self esteem to be have been elevated more than it already is. My WH put her on a pedestal so that bothers me to no end.

Survus
Yes, i agree that all the talk about affair being a fantasy doesn’t ease my pain or jealousy. Because while it was happening, i am sure it felt real to them. It’s like having a dream where i am being chased by a beast. My body registers it as frightening even if it’s just a dream. And those feelings can last even after I wake up from the dream.

The more I write in these forums, the more I realize how much damage my WH’s A has done to me.

I don’t want her to walk away thinking she’s hot shit. I don’t want her self esteem to be have been elevated more than it already is. My WH put her on a pedestal so that bothers me to no end.

I get this, but what does she really have? She is the one struggling with her self esteem because she needs the validation, there are a hundred men willing to line up and give it to her, but none of them are willing to take her seriously, so she has to poach someone’s H.

The blame is on him for doing this to you, she is nothing, the weakest of the bunch.

Ellie
You ask a good question… why the hell do i care what she felt? I think part of me wants her to feel remorse and guilt over what she did. I want the good feelings she had during the affair to be negated by the fact that it was all a fantasy. I don’t want her to walk away thinking she’s hot shit. I don’t want her self esteem to be have been elevated more than it already is. My WH put her on a pedestal so that bothers me to no end.

I totally understand those feelings, I really do. But you're wanting a horrible person who deliberately conducted an affair with a married man to feel bad about that and it just ain't gonna happen. I wish it would too, but it just won't. And she can *think* she's hot shit all she likes, that doesn't make it true - I *think* I am rich and believe me it doesn't make it true no matter how much I think it. I mean, really think about this - what did she 'win'?

As for your wh - he wasn't 'putting her on a pedestal'. He was using her to boost his sad sad wee ego. He would do anything to feed that. So what did he 'win'?

This is what I am saying (and it took me time to really feel this too so not criticizing you at all). You are putting YOUR values on to the affair and onto how you are processing through it. You are projecting how YOU would feel/act/think and conflating that to how wh/ap feel and think. You say your wh 'loved' the ap. He didn't. You don't use people you love and for a healthy empathetic person love is not transactional. You say she's feeling like she's hot shit. She doesn't. People with self respect and high self esteem don't engage in affairs and don't use other people to feed their pathological need for attention.

Try to start shifting your thinking about the A. It wasn't about anything like love or admiration. It wasn't about anything healthy or true. It was about two broken empty people using each other to fill the voids they have in themselves. It was about meaningless and empty words that two liars traded to feel a momentary emotional high.

Ellie
You are right again in saying that I am projecting my values onto the affair. I am looking at it through the lens of my beliefs and moral system.
I think that’s where SI helps me a great deal. Reading posts that shed light on what affairs truly are. And what types of people tend to be waywards and APs. I still have a hard time believing AP has low self esteem… i mean, if she does have low self esteem, how is it she was able to flirt so flamboyantly, sneak around the office with a married man, talk dirty so openly, etc. OR am I getting this confused with inflated confidence?

I also would like to thank those who replied for their support and empathy. Thank you for making me feel a little better .

CW, I want to say I understand how you feel. While I wasn't exactly jealous of AP (I refer to her as Whore) because I knew her a bit from office parties, etc. She was obnoxious and honestly not likeable or attractive. However, WH risked our marriage and family for that garbage? I told him congrats, you really won a prize. What a sorry consolation prize that was!
Look, we are humiliated and devastated after DDAY and we want it to make sense but it doesn't. Remember you are a woman with integrity. AP is a woman who had to get on her knees for a married man. How pathetic is that?

I still have a hard time believing AP has low self esteem… i mean, if she does have low self esteem, how is it she was able to flirt so flamboyantly, sneak around the office with a married man, talk dirty so openly, etc. OR am I getting this confused with inflated confidence?

Ding ding ding! People with poor self esteem are often good at faking confidence - they have to be cus otherwise they would have to address the underlying issues. A balloon looks really solid, but it's just empty and full of hot air. And second to that, she shot her shot, but YOUR HUSBAND CAUGHT HER SHOT AND PLAYED BALL. If had done what he should have done and told her to eff off cus he's married we wouldn't be here having this convo.

Sounds to me like you now have a new standard for what you want in a relationship. That's a good thing!

The AP is no matter, she could have been anyone. And clearly she doesn't give one fuck about who she hurts or uses to get what she wants so what's to be jealous of? You aren't that kind of person, nor do you want to be.

But she did get from your WH the kind of attention and devotion you know crave. Perhaps you always did or perhaps you just let it slide in favor of other things. No matter, you now know what you want and deserve.

So get it. Expect it. Become the woman who won't tolerate any less than whatever it is you need in a relationship. You are more than worth it. You believe it first and see what comes. If he can't provide it, you have your answer.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 10:41 PM, Tuesday, November 14th]

Cedarwoods,
I am 2 years after Dday and my feelings are still the same like yours .
I don’t think I can give you advice but I can only offer you empathy since we are in the same boat .

My WH had virtual sex for 5 months with an old college friend . The A could have been much longer if I didn’t find out, so there is that big "what if". What if I didn’t find out ? Would he fly to her and consummate the A? How long could the A go on?

I think I can deal better if it was only sexual , but he put her on a pedestal! He contacted her first thing in the morning and before bed . He told her the ILY on a daily basis and he talked more with her than with me about what was going on in his office . His excuse? Because they are in the same profession!

My WH is basically a kind man but he took all his kindness away from me and bestowed it to her.
He is remorseful now and told me how he hates himself for being sucked in that whirlwind of an Affair . But I am aware that only certain type of people are able to become WS and AP.

I am jealous like you for all the love, kindness and affection she got from my WH. The AP was an expert in the art of online seduction and he was drowning in lust and obsession from what she offered him. However, I need to focus the blame on my WH for being a weak MM and devoid of morality . I need to heal without his help if necessary. I am now trying to heal myself without forgiving all the stuff he did . HellFire wrote a thread in general section regarding forgiveness.
I am sending you a big hug !