SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need some advice and or support and you all are the only people in my life who can understand what I am going through.

Backstory: WH cheated on me with a married friend. OBS and I both decided to file for divorce but my divorce is not final yet. WH has been living with AP since I kicked him out of the house in May. My soon to be ex- in-laws have accepted AP into their lives but we still have an ok relationship.

Which brings me to my dilemma. I found out this weekend that my WH’s grandfather passed away this weekend and the funeral will be next weekend. As I said I am still close with his family and have seen them a couple of times per month and text with them frequently, but I have not spoke or seen WH since I served him with divorce papers on July.

I want to go to the funeral to show my support to the family and to see extended family that I haven’t seen in over a year. However I am sure both WH and AP will be there and that I would have to see them together. And that makes me so anxious.

If I do go, my plan is to ignore the two of them and just focus on providing support to the family. I won’t be mean or nasty- but I won’t engage with them.

So my question is- should I go?

Has anyone else been through something similar? Any advise or words of encouragement would be appreciated!

I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you. Since you are still close to the soon to be ex in-laws, I suggest you go to the funeral. Show that you are a woman of integrity and class. Dress impeccably, look your best, hold your head up high, and walk in there with confidence knowing that you are a woman of character and strength. Best of luck to you. Remember, the AP has nothing on you. She’s a trashy, dirty, shameful, and immoral being that has done the most despicable thing in the world.

What a terrible situation. Another reminder that your life and family has been ripped away from you by selfish, dangerous people.

I know you want to support your in-laws, but I think it's a bad idea to go. Not only seeing them as a couple but watching your former family embrace her as their own. Too many daggers to the heart, especially when the betrayal is so fresh. And while it's an opportunity to hold your head high, if anything causes you to become upset in front of your WH and his AP (after all, they both know you very well and how to push your buttons), you'll probably wish you hadn't gone. It sounds like pain shopping in real time.

But if you do choose to go, I wish you the best!

I think I'd spare myself the torture of seeing WH and AP acting as a couple (OUCH).

Can you contact the family with whom you're still close and arrange for a visit with the extended family when WH and AP won't be there? I'm sure they'll understand how difficult it would be for you to see them together.

Wild horses couldn't drag me to any event where WS is with AP.

I think you'd be hurting yourself.

I agree with Sacred - arrange a private visit to express your condolences. Or send some lovely flowers and perhaps a meal.

I agree with Sacred - arrange a private visit to express your condolences. Or send some lovely flowers and perhaps a meal.

Agree with Sacred too. Part of my self-care is not exposing myself to more pain. Personally I couldn't do it.

Me personally I wouldn’t go. Not if it meant seeing WH & AP together and opening up those wounds. No thanks. If they have a visitation, prior to the actual funeral service, maybe go to that. Those are kinda drop in, pay your respects and leave kinda thing and may be more appropriate. We had a situation earlier this year - my BIL passed away in March 2023. WH’s EAP was a family friend and had known his family for 40+ years, lots of commingling between the families kinda things, went to school together, grew up together, etc etc. Anyway BIL had a hemorrhagic stroke and was on life support. Before we had a chance to notify immediate family, some dumbass from his church put it on blast on Facebook. The EAP attended that same church and of course saw the post. A little backstory here - the EA was in Dec 2022, me & WH both told her NC, don’t contact us, we’re not friends, no one in the family wanted anything to do with her. Anyway she saw the post and texted me a screen shot asking if I knew anything about it. (DUHHH OF COURSE I KNEW!) We were traveling thru two states to get to the hospital when she texted me - I ignored her bc obviously she doesn’t know what NC means - so she started to reach out to the other siblings. Causing unnecessary drama while BIL is in ICU! Clueless! Next day BIL was taken off life support and passed on a Weds. The funeral was to be on that Friday. EAP had the actual nerve to text me about the funeral. She was planning on going! Like I’m not sure how in her mind she thought it would be ok to show up. Obviously this situation is different from yours, but no one in the family wanted her around. My kids didn’t want her there, I sure didn’t. Umm AWKWARD. I had to text her and tell her she was uninvited. She was not welcome. And she actually told me that it hurt her feelings to be asked not to come. Idiot. The focus was on BIL’s kids, nothing else. We didn’t want any distractions, and her presence would be an unwelcome distraction. Do stupid things, win stupid prizes. My point being - don’t be a distraction. Unfortunately his parents have accepted AP, probably the rest of the family have as well, it’s just not a place where there could potentially be a scene or some drama. That’s not fair to the decedent’s family. Take the high road and send a card or arrangement of flowers. I had to ask this former family friend/EAP to not come because her presence would have surely caused a distraction. EVEN THOUGH she had known BIL for over 40 years. It wasn’t the time or place to show up and visit with people she hadn’t seen in a long while (our family, extended family) - like don’t use this as an opportunity to show up to see a bunch of people you haven’t seen in a very long time to visit with and catch up with. Not the appropriate venue in my opinion.

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 2:59 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

I would say you should avoid this funeral. You are in a "damned if you do damned if you don’t" situation.

You attend - they bash you.

You don’t attend - they bash you.

I would personally contact those people you wish to express your condolences to and explain that you are being respectful to the family and choosing not to attend. You don’t want to upset anyone, especially the STBX’s family.

Send a card to those people you feel deserve one.

Be the bigger person. Be classy.

The STBX in laws etc. may have accepted the OW — doesn’t mean they like her. But you will never really know but they may just be keeping the peace.

Well…
All I can share is how I would approach events like this.
For one: You two don’t have any coparenting responsibility. Generally – when people divorce or separate – they move apart emotionally, socially and physically. His family is his family – chances are that within the next 2-3 years you will only meet them or see if you run into them by coincidence. You won’t be at their Thanksgiving, at family reunions and such. Of course, if you have a personal friendship with one or more that might survive, but it will be as friends – not family.
Had you two been coparenting there would be more reason to meet – to interact. Thereby probably preventing what is generally the inevitable distancing after the divorce.

I’m not saying you won’t or can’t have a relationship with one or more of them, but rather that it’s on completely other basis than the one you have had for the last 15 years. It won’t be fed, won’t be maintained. It’s perfectly OK for you not to go to this funeral.
Just like it’s perfectly OK for you to go…

And go I would. Like I started – All I can share is how I would approach events like this.

Only be totally honest to yourself WHY you are going. It’s not to cause confrontation or to ignore WH or the AP or whatever. Some of those things might be side-effects of going – but NOT THE REASON.
If you want to go there to support his grandma because she was good to you, if you want to go there to show gramps your respect, support his parents… whatever… then GO.
Arrive late, sit in the rear of the area and leave as soon as it’s over. Don’t go to the wake or anything other than the funeral itself.
This is probably what I would do. It’s about the deceased and the bereaved.

But also… keep in mind that if you don’t go then it’s fine. Chances are nobody will notice and even if they do and you become the most hated person in the Universe to them… they are no longer a part of your life.

Thank you all for the advice. I have considered if my presence there would do more harm than good to the people I will always consider as my family.

I think I will reach out to my STBX in-laws and ask if it’s ok for me to attend. I don’t want to blindside anyone or cause a scene but I do want to say goodbye to the last grandfather I have.

Definitely send a card or flowers but I wouldn't show up. He is now with a very sub par individual and the tingles have started to wear off. Let him live in his mess.

This is something that is on my mind a lot because I have an amazingly loving relationship with my XMIL. We get together, she came to our house last Christmas for a visit, she hugs on my new H and gave us a lovely wedding gift. I think about it all the time that if something happened to her I would definitely go. She still talks about her friends and keeps me included in her life stories so I would definitely be there to support my son who is her only grandchild. He loves and understands how tight I am with his grandma. I wouldn't act like family, just stay in the background and pay witness to the blessing of her life. If there is a line I will go through it and shake XH's hand and move on. I probably would not to his wifetress if I could get away with it.

Just my two cents.