Topic is Sleeping.
SadieMae (original poster member #42986) posted at 5:45 PM on Monday, November 6th, 2023
I have started and deleted this 3 times so far.
I'm curious if anyone has attended therapy specifically for rebuilding the sexual aspect of your relationship.
I've struggled to regain a healthy sex life following the A and the aftermath. I'm curious if this is something that others have worked through and if counseling was a good option.
I've struggled finding counselors in the past, but I'm currently feeling crippled by my issues. I'm struggling more today with it than I have in a long time. Down to the point where I even found myself hiding in the bathroom earlier and had to make myself come out.
Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 7:15 PM on Monday, November 6th, 2023
I've considered sex therapy too, Sadie. I'm tired of the whole issue being so loaded.
Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, November 6th, 2023
You are not alone. I have had some horrible/ traumatizing experiences with mental health professionals so I wouldn't let them touch this with a thousand foot pole. I've tried to discuss it at gyn appointments because I have some physical components to this but I haven't gotten much help there either.
(((SadieMae)))
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
SadieMae (original poster member #42986) posted at 7:45 PM on Monday, November 6th, 2023
It's all so hard to talk about -- even here, on an anonymous forum, I'm uncomfortable discussing "details"
His A was all online/phone/virtual. But he used so many aspects of our life/sex life. It's all entangled and gross and fucked up. I feel like everything I liked was either taken or mocked by him and his AP. Now how can I do any of it with him?
Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF
Reece ( member #52975) posted at 1:48 PM on Tuesday, November 7th, 2023
Im a betrayed spouse here and I definitely had sexual issues post her affair. I saw a marriage therapist who also assisted with these issues. We have reconciled and while we are far from perfect on this overall topic (our sex life) for some of the specific issues I struggled with at that time I know my therapist really helped me out. There were a lot of issues that I just didn't understand, was too ashamed to discuss or just would never have been able to deal with own my own.
R
HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 2:54 PM on Tuesday, November 7th, 2023
Absolutely! Perfectly appropriate focus for IC, or IC/MC combo.
No need to suffer in silence.
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:41 AM on Sunday, November 12th, 2023
I have posted about this aspect of healing post A. in my case I divorced EXWH because of his lies and his commitment to the affairs over our marriage. I think safety is an important component of the equation for me. For me I need that to move forward.
"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!
SadieMae (original poster member #42986) posted at 1:06 PM on Sunday, November 12th, 2023
I think safety is an important component
I agree. Days after I posted this, I found out he's still acting out online with other women.
I'm not the problem, he is.
Not saying I don't have problems, but my sex life with him isn't near the top of my list anymore.
Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF
fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 8:43 PM on Sunday, November 12th, 2023
This is really difficult for us as well. He wants us to have an emotional connection that leads to more intimacy. It's still too hard for me though. I still have difficulty in just saying "I love you". The armor around my heart was begun over 20 years ago and every time he hurt me and made me feel like shit, or that my feelings didn't matter, the armor got thicker. The A added a massive wall of steel around it and you can't just break through that easily.
I don't think he understands that it is going to take tons of work, and him showing me that he is safe. Not over days, weeks, or even months, but over YEARS, because that's how long it took to get to this point. For him though, it's as if nothing he does is good enough and never will be. Not sure how to make him see my side though, he just wants me to open up my heart and he feels that I'm not doing it on purpose because I've said I will never forgive him, and he knows I will never forget. He feels that I hold on to everything and that it makes it difficult for him to atone for any of it 
Honestly, not my problem. I didn't create that armor around my heart just 'cause. He created it with his treatment of me as his wife and mother of his children. But now doesn't want to do the work that will help to undo it. At least, not for as long as he will need to do it.
I have changed some of my perspective and allowed myself to see the things he's doing as proof that he wants to be with me and loves me. But I would still like for him to show me love in the way that I want to be loved, if that makes sense?
Anyway, all that to say that sex, for me as well, is not even on the radar! Even 5 years out from DD1.
Topic is Sleeping.
