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I was the one with the HB. WH went along with it and frankly felt like he dodged a bullet.
But raw truth - I was the one that initiated and made sure it was good for me. That's really all I cared about - getting my needs filled. If he enjoyed it or not - wondered about it or not - that's on him. And in the HB moments- I was all about me. And I made sure I enjoyed every minute of it

We never experienced HB. Not even close. She tried, especially in the beginning to try to get close to me. If not sexually, then by trying to hug or touch me. It felt like an electric shock if she just even touched me in passing. We were in separate bedrooms, which was strange after spending over 25 years in the same bed. We were sometimes apart due to travel, but never like this. Neither of us could sleep. I remember her coming to my door a couple of weeks in asking if she could just spend the night with me. I’m sure she was hoping that HB would happen as she knew about it after reading so much. Our short lived MC also said how important it was for spouses to rebond sexually. I just wanted not part of it. I couldn’t get over the visuals of his fluids in her mouth and other places Especially after finding out she had us on the same days.

It was a long time before we had sex. But it wasn’t HB. I would let her come to my room, wear protection even after the all clear on STD and have sex with no kissing or holding after. It wasn’t enjoyable, but it was a release. It did get somewhat better, but never where it was. The fluid visuals never went away.

I guess I’m in the minority of those here.

Edit to add all this took place in the year I was a monster which regret.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 2:57 AM, Friday, October 27th]

i wanted it but my WH didn’t. It was me desperately trying to reclaim a connection I thought we had. I was wrong.

We experienced HB after Dday, though I didn’t know there was a name for it or understood what it was until later. Stupidly, I did not insist on testing first, though we were both tested a little later. It went strong for at least four months and tapered off for another two before all the negative feelings sank in that made sex feel really fraught. For me it was deeply emotional; I would often sob afterwards. In some ways I think it was a good reconnection, but in other ways I think it kept my husband in a place of assuming our relationship would be fine and everything would go back to normal or better because hey, we were having sex all the time. Basically I accept it for what it was and appreciate the bonding aspect of it, but I think it delayed some needed healing and blinded my husband to the severity and long term impact of his choices.

I’d say we HB for about a year. It was crazy, we were like rabbits. I never really thought that much about the actual reason for it at the time but reading everyone’s responses here makes me realize that it certainly was me trying to take back a bond that was lost to another. It has dropped off a lot since then. Might go weeks to a month before having sex now. I really don’t need it, not that it isn’t good now, it still is. During the HB phase it was the best I ever had, but like others are saying, the reality of who she is and what she did with shithead, I mean the AP, just kind of repulses me. What’s weird is that sitting here typing this, I’m realizing that it’s not what she did so much. I know she had sex with other boyfriends before we met and that is not an issue, but that she lied, deceived, and cheated during our marriage is what really sickens me. The images of her and shithead getting it on just throws gasoline on the fire.

XW has offered this FWB thing, when she made the offer the thoughts that raced through my mind were so negative my nice dinner didn't sit quite as well.

The days that followed were filled with even worse thoughts (fluids, bacteria, viruses, warts, well you get the idea), the thought of touching her after he had her just offends me regardless of the time that has passed.

BS here! Before we even knew this was "a thing", we did go through a few months of HB.

I was relieved to read and realise that it was entirely normal. I genuinely started to wonder whether there was something fundamentally broken in me.

I didn't really react with much anger either. I'd say I was in varying amounts of shock for the first 6 months.

I never had the opportunity to experience HB since my exW divorced me before I knew about her affair. It's one of the ways that I feel "lucky" regarding what she did. It's confusing though.

If I had found out sooner and had to go through the tribulations of deciding to stay or go, I feel like I would have cut off sex altogether until things reached some form of stability. I can't see myself using anyone as a form of release, though I admit that "making the sex about me" would be tempting.

I guess as long as both people are communicating about the situation and consenting, anything goes.

Bump

I am only three months post Dday and VERY MUCH we did, we still HB, we both went and got tested (my demand ) not to say that we didn't HB before we got tested. (He was one of the WS that slept with me and her during the same time) so in my mind it didn't really matter.
I will say more information has came out since and I do not feel the urge to HB with him as much as I did after the first dday. I want to reconnect to him but I know sexually isn't the way right now.

I experienced hysterical bonding but my WS did not. That was very painful and confusing to me at the time.

I'm a lucky one that never had mind movies. I don't know how or why the actual sex didn't haunt me but it didn't. I was much more hurt and obsessive about the time spent or the fact that they held hands.

So I wanted sex all of the time but I could not hold his hand. At all. It made me sweat with pain and disgust. So very weird.

My WS on the other hand, obliged the sex but seemed confused and hesitant. Many reasons for that but the most important one was that contact hadn't ended and he knew he was still betraying me. On Dday2, zero desire to hysterical bond. From me anyway. He'd look at me like I was the most amazing, breathtaking creature in the world, like some lovesick puppy. But I felt ... nothing.

Who knows how the brain works but I'd guess that once he knew I was truly lost to him, his urge to hysterical bond kicked in. Much like mine did at the very beginning. Mine lasted over a year, but I realize now it's in part because I instinctively knew he was still gone from me.

I cringe at the thought of sex with my WH.
I have a hard time understanding how people can have sex with someone that made them look so stupid & put their life at risk.

It's been 5 yrs since the 1st Dday & we've had sex twice in the first year post discovery & I was disgusted & told him I hated him during.