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If WS felt sex with AP "the best" WS has ever had, do they reminisce about it even though they are remorseful? I just can’t help wonder if AP will live forever in my WH’s head. I don’t want to be the wife that he’s staying with but he’s dreaming of sex with AP. Sort of like the movie bridges of Madison county.

Ugh. My H had a thing for Bridges of Madison County during his A. Blech. He even wrote a letter to himself and "hid" it in his sock drawer (which he said after discovery that he wanted me to find) that said something like Bridges isn't real life.

I've asked my H a few times over the years if he ever thinks of sex with the AP. He said it might flash through his head and ambush him, but it's not a good memory. It's all tied up in shame and it makes him feel gross.

This would be a good question for the "BS Questions for WS" thread in the I Can Relate forum.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/658162/bs-questions-for-ws-part-15/

Has WS said the sex with AP was the best or is this anxiety kicking in? I'm a BS but I will say I personally have never sat and dwelled on previous sex no matter how good it was

Shortly after Dday when he was still on the fence, he said sex with AP was "special". He says he thought that because she was new and different. He seems to have been addicted to her sexually. He does not have a sex addiction. I think he got to experience exciting uninhibited sex with her that he always wanted. He was never very sexual during our marriage so he was a very different man during his affair. Now that we are in the process of reconciling, he’s back to his old self where he is not interested in sex. And of course, I can’t help wonder if it’s me. He’s just not physically attracted to me. He wishes he could be with AP for the sex and with me for all the other things. Home. Comfort. Emotional stability.

He wishes he could be with AP for the sex and with me for all the other things. Home. Comfort. Emotional stability.

Did he say that?

WS here.

For context, my AP performed a sex act (blowjob) that my wife has never done.

Did I enjoy it at the time? Yes. Do I daydream about it? Not for a second. Not that my AP wasn’t good at it but that’s really got nothing to do with it. It’s everything that went along with it. It represents one of the darkest periods of my life and is not something that has any fond memories.

My EX said the sex they had was different in the beginning, but by the end not enjoyable and degrading. I believe the last part, but not the first. I’m sure it was new and exciting, especially with a guy much younger and fitter. So never bought the different explanation. Was just a way to take the sting out of it.

It’s debated here a lot, but I think a serial cheater may not remember much. Same with an ONS Both those who had an affair of any duration remember it. My EX told me she was repulsed by the sex in hindsight, but I think that’s because she lost everything because of it. Had I just forgiven her, without consequences, she would have reminisced about it being new and exciting.

She obviously disagreed with this.

Cedarwoods,

You wrote,

He was never very sexual during our marriage so he was a very different man during his affair. Now that we are in the process of reconciling, he’s back to his old self where he is not interested in sex.

Not all affairs result in the WW or WH returning to a state of love for their spouse.

Perhaps your WH always liked you but never loved you.

Before my WW affair with OM1 she did love me, but after she felt nothing, gradually liking me after decades. I also believe she did fantasize about OM when she was with me from something she said to me once.

Was there even a period of hysterical bonding immediately after it ended.

There is a contrast effect at work and OM1 was more my WWs type.

We know certain things in our gut, especially when someone no longer feels the same about us.

Sacred soul:
No my WH did not say he wishes he could be with AP for the sex and with me for all the other things. Home. Comfort. Emotional stability. That’s just me wondering if he feels that way.

I have no idea what your husband really thinks.

But on the basis of LIFE I have to wholeheartedly agree with ff4152

In my view it is nearly impossible to fully think about the actions of the past without imbuing them with the thoughts and feelings of today. That is what is so darn annoying about looking at old pictures.

I really get the sense its the same for WSes. I am in a "give them no slack" mood right now but I still think this part of what they say is true. Their lives have been blown up by these events - even if it wasn’t as bad for them as it was for us. The image of their oh so romantic kisses is the image of them permanently losing their self respect. It’s just not a happy thought.

Anyway, it does sound like sex therapy might be in order. If he isn’t into sex right now it’s probably his own issues. You guys should look into it. Maybe it could help?

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 5:29 AM, Sunday, October 1st]

You cannot mind read so you only know what he tells you but this is how your husband makes you feel and its not good enough. Why is he not interested in sex with you? Are you interested in sex with him? He may have thought it was "special" but it was sordid and caused horrific damage. The adrenaline rush and fear of getting caught probably made it feel "special" and that would worry me as he may seek that again

This is a hard one for me to answer.

For me, it’s cut and dried - no I do not reminisce about the sex. It hurts me to think about how I was at the time. There are feeling of humiliation, shame, guilt, and disgust.

However, that’s different than asking objectively if it was bad sex. At the time, I wanted him to want me, that was a lot of what my affair was about - I wanted to be seen a certain way that I didnt see in myself. But to look back and say that’s what was actually happening would be delusional. He was a serial cheater and wanted whatever he could get and I was as desperate to make it about my own allure and value.

The truth is anyone can be good at sex. All they need to do is be attentive and interested in your needs. Whether sex is good or bad in a technical way can be influenced greatly by having genuine love and devotion with someone. And affairs rarely have this, rather it’s usually two people looking for what they lack in giving themselves.

My husband told me the cheating partner was a "good kisser". As this was their primary physical exchange it is what I have fixated on the most. After 5 months of hysterical bonding the last 6 months have been fraught. I can no longer really enjoy kissing so we have to go straight to what some might consider the good stuff. But not really, it’s more like the porn stuff. But at least that other stuff is not triggering. Perhaps he’s pleased.

I finally told him that I have been carrying that statement from him about the "good kisser" in a very hurt place in my heart. He said…you guessed it..…"I dont remember saying that…"

Cedarwoods, this is your 2nd post which strikes very close to home for me.

We have reconciled which I would describe as very happily. My wife is very remorseful and ashamed of her actions but the one area that we still struggle with is when we are intimate. My wife's affair 90%+ a physical affair and for a couple of reasons I know some very explicit details. As a result in every instance when we are physical this is where my mind goes. Ive never been able to replicate the success they had together in the bedroom, or even come close frankly and I find it impossible to believe that she doesn’t at times remember this or think about it. So Im sure she still thinks about this and purposely dont ask her about it.

"He wishes he could be with AP for the sex and with me for all the other things. Home. Comfort. Emotional stability."

My wife has never said this, doesn’t think it (at least consciously) and doesnt want it. I also know she believes I am the best for her in virtually all aspects of her life (family, soul mates, emotional) and even the intimacy that we share, right up until the actual physical act. And I also know she considers him to be the perfect or her best physical partner.
R

Reese,

I ask this question since my XW is still attempting to worm her back into my life.

Due to my nature I did the mental exercise. One of main flashpoints was the sense of humiliation I felt immediately after her little announcement that day. It went across the spectrum from being so incredibly stupid not to be aware of her activities and plans to well I guess Bundy must be quite the dynamo with John Holmes equipment. FWIW I have no idea about his equipment.

I went so far as to project if I had any sexual interest her and I could see where all those humiliations and embarrassments would make it damn near impossible for me to experience anything in physical way that would not feel like taking a GRE again.

In short I concluded I could never have relations in way that I would really want or enjoy with her again. Granted this was a mental exercise not reality.

My question is simply, are you happy? Or are you just surviving until something improves or until you decide to divorce.

Hardy, I feel exactly the same way.

After my our d-day, and when we chose to reconcile I feel in many ways fortunate compared to others in that I never stopped loving my wife. I didn’t oscillate or become paralyzed with indecision (which in other parts of my life I sometimes am). I always wanted to and knew that I would fight to keep our marriage and family intact.

So, for me Im definitely glad we reconciled. Of course I wont try to pretend that it hasn’t been extremely difficult at times and it still is. I also experienced all the same humiliations, insecurity and pain that any betrayed spouse would go through. I know explicit details of her affair and things that I was insecure about before or had always worried that my wife was unhappy/
unsatisfied with are now 100x worse. As a result there are parts of our relationship that will never be the same. But I know my wife loves and is doing all that she can to make up for her past actions.