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Newest Member: angbel

Divorce/Separation :
Seperating but struggling

Topic is Sleeping.
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 12:17 AM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

I made the decision to split from my WS because the R just wasn't going well.

He was really loving and so on, but he wasn't putting the work in, and I'd let it go on a long time and just felt like I wasn't healing.

I left about a month ago. He thought I'd be coming back so I need to break the news that I'm not.

Can I ask how the people here split finally with their WS if the WS did not want to D? How did they take it and how did things work out?

I feel worried about him and that's making it harder.

I read a few threads here. Most recently the one on "how do you know you don't love them anymore" or similar.

I really don't feel that.

I still really love him.

He still really loves me too.

We just can't make R work. I realise that and accept it, but it'll be hard for him to see.

Has anyone ever D under those circumstances? It feels very difficult.

We are married, but not legally so as we had a beach wedding and never made it official so aside from organising moving some stuff out (which I don't need to do in person)

I just feel like it's going to be hard and sad

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809031
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:38 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Can I ask how the people here split finally with their WS if the WS did not want to D? How did they take it and how did things work out?

In MY case with my 1st H...I moved several states away...into the home of the man who became my 2nd H. My then boyfriend (2nd H) couldn't move to our home state due to contractual obligations at that point...so he offered for me to move to be with him. I wasn't in love with him at the time...but there was definitely something there. I wasn't sure if it was enough though.

When I told my 1st H that I might be moving...he FINALLY decided that I was THE ONE rolleyes . He tried EVERYTHING to get me to stay and make our M work. It was too little too late though. The things he had put me through were not something I wanted to keep on enduring. But I still felt that moving to a whole other state was kind of drastic!!

What gave me the catalyst to move was when a friend of mine told me that she feared that if I didn't move...I would never get AWAY from my 1st H. We still loved each other...but he had cheated on me at least twice that I knew of...and I did NOT want this type of M. It was so HARD to make that decision...but once I did...things got set in motion and there was no turning back.

My 1st H didn't have access to my phone...and back in the 80's there was no such thing as cell phones everywhere like there is now...so he didn't really know how to get in touch with me after I had moved. I had called collect from a payphone once...and we agreed to me calling again at a specific time. When I went to call collect again though...his brother answered the phone and wouldn't accept the charges. I never called back after that. By the time I filed for D...my feelings for my 1st H were not anything anymore.

My then boyfriend was so PATIENT with me...and we were platonic roommates for a while smile . This showed me his character and patience...and it felt GOOD to have someone who was not selfish...like my 1st H was. I did fall in love with him...we got married...and the rest is history grin .

I honestly don't know what was happening with my 1st H after that last phone call we had. He ended up having several relationships from what I heard...and then eventually got remarried. Like the song says...he is now just someone I used to know.

I am so THANKFUL for my friend telling me what she said!! She didn't want to say it...because it meant that I would be leaving HER too laugh . But she was looking at our relationship from the outside looking in...and she could SEE what I couldn't with me being in the middle of it all. For ME...it took me getting OUT of the relationship to truly see that it was a very toxic one...for BOTH of us.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6615   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8809086
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 4:12 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

I am so glad you ended up working everything out so well :)

I am not sure I am anywhere near ready to feel that way about things - but I am doing okay.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809093
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 4:34 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Yup it will be hard and sad and there's no way around that.

For me, my ws ended our nine years together with a text message, so I don't think he really cared at that point. I am glad for that - made my decision to D easier for sure.

I still really love him.

He still really loves me too.

It helped me to realize that LOVE is a VERB. It is action and a pattern of actions, it is not a feeling. That was made abundantly clear to me with the infidelity and false R - he said he loved me, but lying to me, gaslighting me, refusing to do the things that would have helped me to heal, continuing wayward behavior, cheating on me in the first place... yeah those are NOT loving actions. So while I suppose he 'loved' me really he only loved me to the best of his capability and ultimately that wasn't good enough for me. I deserve to be loved the way I love - fully and compassionately and above all, honestly.

I feel worried about him and that's making it harder.

My xwh suffered from a seizure disorder. He refused to treat it or take medication for it and when he'd have an episode it would get pretty gnarly. I was worried about that too when we split, cus I was the only one 'managing' his condition. That concern and worry don't just turn off when you split up. You are worried for him because you are a good person. Just don't let that worry keep you sucked in - he is a big boy and he will be fine. Or not. Either way he is not a monkey in your circus anymore.

Losing you was always a potential consequence of the choice HE made to cheat. He knew that and did it anyways, and then kept you on the merry go round for years by promising you things and never delivering. If he is serious about doing his work, he's gonna continue that whether you're together or not. If (as I suspect) he's promising to do the work only to manipulate you into staying, he will move on pretty quick once you're for sure gone. Either way that goes is up to him at this point and does not concern you any more.

D just sucks MCC - it is hard and sad and sucky. Just hang in there though - it does get better I promise.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8809095
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 6:15 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Thanks Ellie.

He got PTSD and Lupus from the stress following the A, which is I guess a reflection of how much shit and pain he brought on himself. So I worry a lot about that. I still love him so it's hard to leave someone you love if they are sick. I will have to figure out how deal with that.

He's been doing some of "the work" for R since I left, and he's trying as best he can whilst being sick, and that also makes it hard. He has also said some really crappy things though, because of this shame / defensiveness thing and I feel like he still doesn't fully "get it - so whatever he is doing means a lot, but has also not been "enough". It still makes me feel sad though!

We are not at the point he doesn't care. I told him last night that I wasn't coming back and that being alone is what I feel I want and he was crying a lot :( The messages were pretty hard to take to be honest. It made me cry a lot too.

At the same time, I woke up feeling more peaceful than I have in a while.

I realise that since the A, practically everything has been rug swept.

Everything for the first year was about dealing with the insane AP and the real world fallout. It felt like almost every weekend was dealing with police or something else completely crazy that left no space for us to R.

Everything for the second two years was about him being so sick, how long that took to diagnose (for a long period I thought he might be dying and he was put on the cancer diagnosis fast track three times for different cancers).

So somewhere in there my feelings about the A were pushed down.

I have now got the freedom to go through it all - and I have literally journaled, read, cried, written here and felt this pain and anger properly and been able to have long overdue conversations with him.

I realised I needed that so much - that sick or not - I NEEDED this healing work and we could not sweep it under the carpet anymore. I also realise now that although he is helpful, I can also do this healing work by myself.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809104
Topic is Sleeping.
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