I hear that just having enough proof to feel devalued and ready to be discarded by our beloved is enough to send us to the depths of soul anguish. I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on this, I feel like there is more to be extracted from this than I’m immediately seeing.
I am very sensitive to rejection from my FOO. I can definitely say my A was an exit one. Our M was in the shitter, H was having an EA and rejecting me regularly in addition to comparing me nearly constantly to a close friend (who he was in his EA with) and saying I should learn from her how to be a good wife/mother/woman.
Living in that situation is AGONY. Rejection on the level of your looks/mothering/housekeeping/spirituality and having "perfection in a woman" held up to you on a regular basis is a soul crusher.
I'm not proud of it, I really let loose and lost my temper on my H over these sorts of things yesterday.
H has been rejecting me a lot lately in little ways, pulling away from hugs, not kissing, no initiation of affection. What finally did it for me was him sending me an instagram post about a man talking about how his wife doesn't apologize and then tries to act all sweet after an argument to avoid taking responsibility for her shit. How this husband then "holds his boundary" and refuses to accept her affection, overtures of reconciliation without the apology. That doing so make him more respected in his relationship, and THAT's what's the IMPORTANT THING. H said he related SO MUCH to this.
I had a major issue with this:
1. We had an argument, I apologized for not responding to his texts in as timely a manner as he would like on a lunch with a supplier
2. I offered and then instituted a fix: change H's ringtone and text tone to something special so I know it's him and to prioritize it.
3. H refused to engage in any affection, snuggling or in general any of the things I was opening to him for amends.
Basically told him that if he feels he has an unrepentant wife, that's his problem. I apologize and make amends to the best of my ability now. H said he didn't FEEL the apology. Well, shit, I can't force him to feel anything. I know my objective actions were what typically look like a responsive and concerned partner would do for their spouse over a concern. I told him if he's got a problem accepting my apologies, that's on him. That if he values his "self respect" over having a warm and loving relationship with his wife, that's his choice. That if he would rather remain safe in his cold rejection of me and my efforts than have a warm loving relationship with his wife, that is his doing and entirely up to him.
All this to say, rejection, discard and devalue happen on both sides of the equation. For my part, at this time, I'm telling H (on repeat) that I need warmth, affection and attention. He's asking if he can share his problems. Since his problems have been addressed time and again and it's up to him to decide if he can compromise on unrealistic demands to resolve them, no I didn't want to address his concerns. From where I sat, it looked like deflection and reversal. The resolution of his discomfort would mean a compromise in another area (lifestyle, lack of travel or WFH- one of those would have to go). Since he's decided he wants the lifestyle (continued high pay), the WFH I have and the lack of travel this position necessitates, then he has chosen to remain uncomfortable with AP in the same building (HR has a strict NC order on him, building is huge, we are in different areas/functions and I RARELY see him down the hall when I'm going place to place). That may sound triggering to several fresh BS's here, please ask, I'll explain.
No, I didn't want to hear it after I had shared something that he could take concrete actions over. I didn't want him to turn the conversation to his hurts and needs so he could skate on his own responsibilities as a partner. I didn't want to give him the chance to reject his responsibility for the daily rejections of me that contribute to the lack of "fun" and the joylessness in our M. I didn't want him to feel he had an excuse for his behavior and the results it entails.
I'm being a responsible partner today and owning my shit for losing my temper and yelling at him yesterday. I'm taking him out for a drink in a bit so we can relax and enjoy the nice weather outside while it lasts. If he doesn't FEEL the apology after that, and continues to reject me and my requests for warmth and affection... that's on him.
Sorry, bit of a thread jack, meant to give you insight on the rejection side and the damage it does. From both sides of the fence, rejection sucks. I didn't have to have an affair as the response to my H's years of rejection. I could have D'd. He's starting to get it. Hopefully we'll have some good conversation around it today. He says proudly of himself that if someone comes to him with a problem, he can confidently say he'll fix it. Let's see if it applies to his behavior towards me