Topic is Sleeping.
ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023
Since filing about two weeks ago I've been radically changing my lifestyle. Most of the pieces were already in place from the years of abandonment. Weeknight with the boys. A handful of hobbies. I'm accepting professional and social invitations I formerly declined. I'm enjoying my neighborhood, community pool, and weekday nightcaps. I live like I'm in a resort now. My children are putting me back on the schedule for all the things we used to do together, theatre shows, hiking, etc. In some ways it feels too soon to feel this good. I've been lonely for a very long time and think about companionship. I've been opening up toward women with starting conversations, making small talk, and just enjoying positive feminine energy. That seems a good enough start. Not sure if it's an admirable goal, but I want to get a good solid single life core before I invite any woman to join. The plan is to grow female friendships and acquaintances without getting into dating until I meet my own personal goals. Business is again a focus.
It all feels too soon and I'm wrestling with guilt. Three years since D-Day, I have red flags that my WW introduced near the beginning of our marriage an affair lifestyle, with a shift about 8 years ago toward WW prioritizing her 2nd life. I'm tired of that life, exhausted from thinking of all the rejections and neglect. I found that what I really insisted on knowing in order to forgive was the truth about her feelings toward other men and her state of mind through the years of affairs. The best she ever shared about her feelings, was her telling me one of her primary affair partners was impressive. Filing has made all that her life, it's not a shared life anymore. Two weeks out from filing and I'm ready to let go 18 years of companionship and family bonds. It makes me feel callous.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:42 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023
Your new life style sounds like you're able to enjoy things you haven't been able to for several years. To me, it doesn't sound like you're callous. For all the years you put up with your STBXWW's terrible behavior, trying to keep the M together, then getting to the point where you know it's over. Many people have said that when you know time is over, you know you're done. It sounds like you're done. You don't sound callous to me.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 1:18 AM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023
I remember feeling something similar. When I kicked my now ex out of the house I remember feeling like I was on vacation. My house felt calm and peaceful and safe and I could have friends over in the evenings to drink wine. I was having more fun with my kids and it felt amazing. I think releasing the emotional energy of wanting to save a broken marriage made my daily life so much less heavy that I instantly felt it. And not having to walk on eggshells or having someone in my home who was awful and abusive towards me was really amazing. Like the absence of the horrible made normal feel incredibly precious.
Then I had to deal with the actual divorce and that was exhausting, but like you, I had dealt with it for years so I had done much of that work before we actually separated and divorced.
Enjoy the freedom you have and how incredible it is to enjoy your life without having to carry around the weight of an unhealthy marriage.
countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 3:16 AM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023
You've got this! I really relate to you. I was married for 32 years so didn't even know how to talk to the ladies! I recall the first time a woman talked to me when I was just separated and how I was like a deer in the headlights with no clue how to respond. My friend who was trying to help me get over being separated just laughed and laughed at me as she watched me panic.
Finding and making new friends and relating to old friends in your new status is an adventure. I didn't date or even try to date until I received the final divorce decree. I know I could have "scored" and dated before the final decree, but that just seemed like a boundary I had to keep for myself, particularly since my XW wasn't able to give the same respect.
Just take your time. Surprises can happen. Enjoy your new world!
3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021
ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 1:12 PM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023
Like the absence of the horrible made normal feel incredibly precious.
This exactly. I keep expecting some bad around every corner and all I find is normal. To not be neglected, abused, or lied to is creating one miracle after another for me.
Finding and making new friends and relating to old friends in your new status is an adventure.
I went around to a few labor-day parties and it was awkward, but exhilarating. As I'm in conversation, I'm discovering myself again. I am suspicious of women and their motives. And I had a clients wife touching my hand and forearm several times, such that I decided to avoid her. I guess if you're being conversational some of that will occur. I'd really prefer if wives thought of me as set up material for friends. I don't want any other kind of attention from a married woman.
I am starting to get used to the approachable attitude and effort women make now at my age. It's still unsettling to not engage in
pursuit mode, all you need to do now is initiate and women often carry some of the conversation. I've heard it said that men with a wedding ring are more desirable and get more attention, I disagree. As long as I stayed a little cool and professional, infidelity didn't seem like something I had to fight off while married. Just don't travel down that road when you see the unfaithful greenlighting the path. I'm convinced this could be the greatest period of single life I've ever enjoyed. Thanks for all the encouragement.
I am trying not go on any dates and avoid a hookup before my divorce. I may have a chance to offer STBXWW an amount she'll accept relatively quickly, there is no waiting period, and in a perfect world I could be divorced by end of month. I don't want to think of her as controlling me further, but I'd rather keep temperatures down and she was a jealous woman. She may not want to treat me well, but she certainly won't want to see another woman treating me well. Best to get the papers.
kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 5:26 AM on Saturday, September 9th, 2023
I relate so much to this. I think those of us who have already done the grieving of the dying marriage while married are emotionally ahead when divorce is actually finalized. We should be signing in 2 weeks and I am so ready to date again! Although I’m waiting until those papers are signed.
I say enjoy your new freedom and let what comes be. The breath of fresh air, relaxing, letting your guard down, making your own choices all sound wonderful. Just keep going and try not to overthink it. But yes I agree get the papers signed first before fully jumping into dating life.
There is nothing callous about what you are doing- enjoying single life. It sounds fabulous and I say focus on each moment and fully appreciate this new freedom (life).
Topic is Sleeping.