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Newest Member: bluecoaster

New Beginnings :
On the road to beginning anew and feeling hopeless

Topic is Sleeping.
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 WonderingGhost (original poster member #81060) posted at 4:20 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Had to be removed for privacy

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 2:40 AM, Thursday, January 18th]

posts: 108   路   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8781910
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:27 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I went back and read your story before posting and based on what you have been dealing with, your feelings are 100% understandable!

You are in a state of mourning, both for your loss of family and the loss of what stability you had with an immature BF. I am so sorry. I have lived through very similar pain.

From this distance, it doesn't look to me like your continued cohabiting with a toxic BF is healthy for you. Plus, you are grieving a death in your family which colors your view of the world, as is natural.

(It sounds like the BF sees you as his liferaft nurturing figure, which is the same thing I experienced with my first marriage. When I finally ended it, I told him "I am not your mother! Go home to her!"

Do you know, he did?! 馃槷

You are unfortunately stuck in transition out of an unhealthy relationship that nevertheless met some of your needs. I think you can expect to feel better once you make the necessary moves to get away from this BF. Please do. In the meantime (((WonderingGhost)))

posts: 1950   路   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   路   location: Washington D C area
id 8781956
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 WonderingGhost (original poster member #81060) posted at 6:49 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

From this distance, it doesn't look to me like your continued cohabiting with a toxic BF is healthy for you. Plus, you are grieving a death in your family which colors your view of the world, as is natural.

Thank you for your reply @Superesse. And yeah, I know the cohabitation isn't at all ideal, but there's literally no other way forward for me right now sad Due to my circumstances I have no resources that allow me to move out just yet. I'll probably need to stay here for a year at least in order to get everything together enough to find a new place.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 6:50 PM, Monday, March 13th]

posts: 108   路   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8782002
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:31 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I got divorced when I was in my mid-30s and desperate to have children. The idea of competing with younger, never-married women made me despair. I was worried that I didn't have the luxury of waiting to properly vet potential men as husbands and fathers. Long story short, I still managed to meet the man of my dreams... someone who was at the same stage of life as me, had the same values, and was emotionally and intellectually better-suited to me then my ex ever was.

I worry that men may see my lack of desire to have children and my apathetic views on marriage (I wouldn't mind never getting married, but would do it if I met the right person and we talked about it) as off putting.

Based on my experience post divorce, I don't think any of things will limit your dating prospects; in fact, you might actually be at an advantage! There are plenty of men who aren't interested in starting a family and would breathe a sigh of relief to find a woman you age who isn't in a rush to lock down a husband and start breeding as soon as possible. The fact that you're pretty, fit, and successful won't hurt your chances, either. wink

Maybe it's because my WS is the only relationship I've known, have had all my firsts with, that I feel I'll never find anything as good (I know, that sounds horrible to say I won't find anything better than a cheating partner. Emotions are weird)

This is a really valuable insight. The fact that your ex was your first relationship and that you spent over 10, formative years with him means that a lot of who you are and what you want was shaped by this relationship, for better or for worse. Consequently, I think a big part of your healing journey will involve getting to know yourself better and redefining yourself as a person outside of this relationship.

I think you can use this time that you're stuck living with your ex to focus on yourself rather than worrying about a potential new relationship, since serious dating really isn't feasible while you're cohabitating with him. During this time, you might find that your idea of what "ideal love" is and what you want and need from a potential mate than it is right now.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1821   路   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8782033
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 11:08 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Ghost, now may not be the optimal time for you to "clean house" for your New Beginning. But take it from one who got caught up more than once in "the devil she knows must be better than the devil she doesn't know" kind of thinking. It is toxic for a lot of reasons. Yes, those young years you spent with this man, you won't get back. I lost 13 years, from age 19 to age 31, but I knew then that the alternative would have been worse!

But I was with him mostly by accident as like you, no other family nearby. My parents divorced when I was just 18, and I felt I had nowhere else to go, with no steady job and an older BF who wanted to marry me, so I moved in with him, then felt obligated to 'make it official' the following year. He was a mess, but so was I, looking back. If I'd had a job, my best bet would have been to go live with an aunt 1,000 miles away...but when my own mother had already asked me to move out of her house after she split with my father, I didn't have the guts to ask her half sister if I might be welcome to come out there, until I got on my feet. That thinking sealed my fate for the next decade. And for the way my life has gone, ever after.

There are always alternative options, so please know - again, coming from my own hard-earned experience - the kind of man you are with has already shown you how his mind works...and waiting for him to change his level of maturity and thinking - is all going against YOUR time on the planet!

I wish there was something we here could do to help you see a way forward.

posts: 1950   路   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   路   location: Washington D C area
id 8782071
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 WonderingGhost (original poster member #81060) posted at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Thank you @BluerThanBlue and @Superesse for your advice and support. I appreciate it so much.

I won't be going back to him, there's no worry about that. We have to live together, yes, and we're basically living a FWB life at the moment.

My goal right now is to move out and move on, to set myself up in a nice apt and be with myself until I'm ready to find someone again.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 2:41 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]

posts: 108   路   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8782344
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 7:04 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Not sure if you realize it, but you're entering into a lifestyle that can, and very possibly will, become a significant chunk of your life. This kind of drifting can go on for absolutely years! Ask me how I know.

I burnt up 21 years in IHS with NO FWB. At the time of D-Day 1 in 2002, and his tears and begging, it seemed better than divorcing him, from an economic standpoint, but I knew in my heart the marriage had failed, spectacularly: he hired a prostitute on a business trip the same night as he and I had been together that morning, huh. So much for the old wives' advice "Keep your man happy...!" Then came 12 years of hard work on mutually-owned and mortgaged-to-the-hilt property, while I waited for him to get his head straightened out to the point I could see change and then....he was arrested on my BIRTHDAY for....wait for it:

soliciting a prostitute.

And once again, it was going to be so difficult for ME to divorce him, with no job and no retirement income at that point. I went for a strong PostNup Agreement instead, and hung in until my retirement income was available. Now, 8 years after D-Day 2 with 20 years of a broken marriage and time I cannot look back on fondly, I'm still in this LIMBO! I strongly urge you not to go down this same path of half-hearted living. It's way too easy for one week to become three, one month to become six. Or a year. Or five.

Of all the Marriage Counselors we went to, and all the friends that knew his sordid history, not one of them ever explained it to me this way: that it's possible to co-exist like you say you are doing yet never heal the relationship breach.

So at least as you make the choice to live like this, you will do so fully conscious of the time you will be investing and short-changing yourself of a life without that kind of shadow in it, and I wish you better luck than I and so many others have had.

posts: 1950   路   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   路   location: Washington D C area
id 8782353
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:32 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Having sex with him is actually the worst thing you could be doing right now. He now has all the benefits of a relationship with you without any commitment. Sex makes it impossible to emotionally detach from him and see life without him. You're also putting yourself at risk of STDs if he's sleeping with anyone else.

I'm not trying to be hard on you (because you obviously have your reasons for why you need to keep living with him) but you seriously need to detach from him and start treating him like a room mate, not a boyfriend or FWB. If you can't afford to get your own place right now, maybe you can sublet a room from someone or find a room mate with whom you can share expenses. At the very least, he needs to be cut off from his girlfriend privileges.

This isn't about punishing him; this is about beginning your path to healing and putting your mind in a place where you can imagine a future without him.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1821   路   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8782395
Topic is Sleeping.
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