SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 6 weeks out from D Day and I HATE this feeling of being stuck in limbo. I'm mostly past the very intense trauma response of D Day and now I'm primarily angry/resentful. We have been together 14 years total, married for 6.5, kids ages 2 and 4, WH had a 2.5 year long EA with one time sex in 2020 (I know sounds unbelievable but it's confirmed to the best of my ability as AP lives in another country). Yes, do the math and the sex happened during my pregnancy.

Anyway, now I feel like I'm just floating through the day to day as I haven't really decided if I want to pursue R or D yet. WH has been doing everything "right" since D Day. I so desperately want to have a goal to work towards and be able to feel like I'm taking proactive steps. How long was it not until you finally decided about R or D, but until you at least decided if you want to give R a shot or not?

We have both been in IC since D Day and have started MC. So maybe I AM giving R a shot without the label right now? Which is that's the case, I'm probably doing myself a disservice by not being intentional about it.

Confused,
NBJB

Adding I shouldn't have called it an EA....long distance PA/EA is more accurate as it included sexting/pics.

Don’t beat yourself up. Six weeks out is too early to be intentional about reconciliation, especially when it comes to a betrayal this big.

Give yourself time to figure things out. It’s great that your husband is doing all the right things, but it doesn’t mean you have to make some conscious decision right now about whether you’re trying to reconcile or not. "I’m here right now, and I’m trying to process this and figure out where I’m at personally and in regards to this relationship" is a perfectly fine place to be for a while.

It's very early.

You are in the grieving process and generally speaking, until that is complete or much further along, you really won't "know" what you actually want or what you can achieve.

So that's your goal to work towards (you mentioned needing a goal). The goal being allowing yourself time and space to grieve and heal. IC, books, radical self care, reaching out to others for support, etc. Date yourself. Take care of you like it's a job.

When you reach acceptance you will be at the end of the grieving process. When acceptance comes, you will be more emotionally stable. If you've done the self care work you will be stronger and feel more capable. From there, you will be able to see what is truly possible in your marriage. Or not.

An informed decision can only be based on an observance of consistent actions.

Or, you can make a gut decision right now, a visceral deal breaking decision to cut and run.

So, I didn’t make my decision until about 6-months after D-Day. I had a lot invested (kids, entwined friends and family and finances, and 20 plus years)

I entered into R with all the due diligence (STD test, IC, MC, NC, SI, all the recommended books, full transparency, full disclosure-timeline, surveillance, etc, etc)

It started out great. Academy Award nominated performances of regret, sorrow, recommitment-determination, self examination, tears, snot, self flagellation, HB, etc. I actually felt more sorry for my WS than myself at one point. Then…

As the weeks turned to months, she insidiously, progressively disengaged, began questioning boundaries, expectations, transparency. Questions turned to impatience, annoyance to resentment, resentment to defiance of and against the consequences her cheating.

She then began questioning when I was going to get over it. Then, gave me a deadline to get over it, and never mention it again. I then caught her shit talking me and her situation to her best friend. (Her BFF who was implicated in the A and should have been jettisoned on D-Day). Her off-stage performance became inconsistent with her on-stage performance. She began asking to go out alone on GNOs again. She then began texting off-duty male coworkers again and then deleting the texts.

The worst of it was about 6-8 months in when I knew D was inevitable. She’d re-engage with renewed promises and effort only to fizzle out again and return to her underlying behavioral traits-issues. I don’t know what went on in IC, but it seemed to only make things worse.

At this point D seemed like a forgone conclusion.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:00 PM, Friday, February 10th]

2.5 years EA, it doesnt matter if they sleep 1 time or 100 times, one is enough ground for divorce. They make a decision to cheat, to lie, this is not a mistake. This a premeditated action.

[This message edited by neoxx07 at 11:01 PM, Friday, February 10th]

I gave my WW 6 months as advised by the aggregate wisdom of SI. I bought books for my WW. They remained unread. I sent her podcasts. They remained unwatched. I sent her websites. They remained unvisited. She felt that her part in the healing process consisted of not fucking other people anymore. So after 6 months, I went on a solo, week long road trip and thought about my life in its entirety. When I returned, I asked her a simple question: "What are you doing to help me heal?"

Her response sealed her fate. She said that she could not be there for me until I was in a better place, because I made her feel too guilty. It was and always would be all about her. I looked her in the eye and said, "You're never actually going to change are you?" Then I told her we were getting a divorce, got up and went to bed. It was then that I felt peace again.

I'm sorry, having to make the choice between R or D is exhausting.

I chose divorce relatively quickly for these reasons...

1. This was not my first rodeo. ExH #1 cheated with escorts, gave him a second change only to be cheated on again 3 years later. I had to face the music that I'd most likely encounter multiple DDays with ExH #2 if I chose to try and work it out.

2. I'm stubborn and unforgiving with this. At the end of the day, in my heart I don't believe cheaters deserve opportunity for a second chance with me anymore.

3. I have ZERO interest in putting forth any effort into rebuilding/working on the marriage.

I've been living the single mom like now for 7+ months and it has completely changed my life for the better. I moved to an amazing town I love and can live my life without the drama and stress of being with a cheating spouse.

The "bumps" in the road getting from the initial DDays, to choosing D, to moving out, to now were all 100000% worth it.

My reco is to separate what you want from what you do. Figure out what you want. If it's R, look at your WS and they've done to heal to get a sense of whether they're a good candidate for R. Then choose. If you want D, however, whether or not your H is a candidate for R is irrelevant.

I knew I wanted to R from the moment my W revealed her A. I observed her behavior for 90 days; during those 90 days, she always seemed to choose the actions that were positive for R. I committed to R. Unlike RB's WS, my W hasn't stopped doing things that are positive for our M, so we're still together.

I will say that I might have had an easier time if I had waited longer to commit to R.

Knowing what you want is critical, IMO.

WH has been doing everything "right" since D Day.

He could be doing the cheater version of holding his breath for six weeks. Acting in a certain way until he is convinced you have accepted him back, then slouching back into bad patterns.

How long does it take to know for sure he won’t regress? The rest of your life or marriage, whichever ends first.

My rec is to watch The Princess Bride, hopefully again. Pay attention to Wesley captured by the Dread Pirate Roberts. Every day it was. "Good night Wesley, good work, I’ll likely kill you in the morning." until he became the pirate himself. I recommend being like the dread pirate.

R or D is probably one of the biggest reoccurring questions on SI.

At what point did we decide to work towards R or D?

You should start working towards R or D immediately.

Avoiding limbo land is always our recommendation. Even though you currently feel like you’re in limbo, spinning your wheels, not making forward progress, you actually are progressing, you are doing something.

Right now you should be: collecting information, intel that you need to make informed objective decisions; watching your WSs response to D-Day, his efforts to comfort you, reassure you, fix himself and protect and save the marriage; getting IC for you; developing an exit strategy; developing an R strategy; hit the gym; reinforce support systems; and letting the shock stage of D-day pass enough to make sound decisions going forward.

That right there is enough to keep you busy for a while.

I want to emphasize the importance of doing a proper size-up, assessment of the scope of betrayal. This is where certain details are important. If you don’t get all your needed questions answered, these information gaps will haunt you and sandbag you throughout R-if that’s the path you pursue.

If you haven’t already filed for divorce, then you are, in effect, in the very beginning stages of R.

If you’re not divorcing, then you should be laying the groundwork for R-NOT LIMBO.

There are only two definitive paths out of infidelity: reconciliation or divorce. True, genuine, authentic, comprehensive reconciliation or, a divorce.

Others have told you not to rush to any big decisions so early after D-day, and that is very sound advice, however, that doesn’t mean you need to sit around and waste time and wait for some ambiguous point in time to start laying the groundwork for a brighter future. If you’re like me, you probably don’t like sitting around, and would prefer to put all that post D-day adrenaline to some constructive use.

If you’re going into R, you have to understand that it is a gamble. There’s absolutely no way of getting around that. No amount of due diligence is going to make R a safe, low risk venture and you will be constantly questioning if you’re on the right path.

Just make sure you’re not choosing R out of fear. Fear of loss, fear of being alone, fear of breaking up the family, fear you won’t find someone better, fear for the kids, fear of public scrutiny, financial fear. Choose R because your WS is making an absolute heroic, determined and compelling push for it and, you like what you’re seeing.