I just want to say you need to inform the guys wife immediately.
That slow and deep comment was not about a deck. You already know that.
Not only do you know that no human being on earth would ever believe that.
Telling the wife may not get you much but at a minimum it will put a set of eyes on him.
But she may go into investigation mode and take care of a lot of your work for you.
Also it sends a message that you will take action if there is any attempt at a romantic relationship with your wife.
If there were a top 3 rules it would be
1 see a lawyer (so you know what you are dealing with in case things go south and what protections you can put in place for your self) you don’t have to file for divorce.
2 no contact ( she will never breathe the same air as that human being ever again) he goes to the same bars then she is never going to them again without you. No contact of any kind ever again.
3 tell the other spouse. It has to be done. Immediately.
Someone recommended the book "not just friends" it’s a good book. I recommend you get it and read it yourself first.
She uses a concept called "walls and windows". It means there needs to be walls between her and other potential people who are dangers to the marriage and windows between you and your spouse.
This is what needs to be discussed between you and her if she really wants this marriage.
You will never trust her as long as you think she is still lying and keeping secrets.
And she cannot open herself up to you fully as long as she is lying and keeping secrets.
Both of you are scared about losing this long relationship as well you should be. It’s totally understandable.
She is also scared if she tells you the truth it could be over. And she is not completely wrong. If it’s bad you may not get over it.
But it has to be done.
You have to be real partners. 100% working for each other.
she put herself in a tough spot. There were going to be tough consequences.
I agree with the poly. She also needs to write a timeline of her affair. Sometimes it’s easier to confess in writing than face to face. It’s a good exercise for her as she can see in real time the steps she was taking moving into an affair and how she was betraying you.
Also there are IT professionals that may be able to help retrieve messages. Have you tried to run recovery software yourself?
You do need to move forward and work on the relationship going forward so it is probably a good idea to get these things out of the way as soon as possible.
The weight loss is tough as it really does transform you into and entirely different person.
As long as you can stand strong that you are willing to divorce I think marriage counseling can be a good idea.
Just make sure you shop around for a good one. There are shitty doctors, mechanics and there are terrible counselors.
I’m so sorry. You’re in a tough spot.
I wish you the best of luck.