Friend
Each and every case is different and unique BUT at the same time they are all the same…
YOUR instance is unique in that it’s you and your wife and your marriage and your life. However – lots of her actions, behaviors, your actions and responses… are stereotypical and boilerplate for infidelity.
It’s a bit like if you drop an egg off a table to the floor then in 9 out of 10 instances the egg will crack. Maybe even 99 out of 100. But there is always that one… It becomes a question of how often you think you are unique enough to have beaten all the odds…
Keep that in mind – what we share here is based on repeated and collective experience. We can (and I will) be telling you things as if they were facts, when in all probability they are more like things that are likely to happen or have happened.
First of all: regarding your question on trust.
The old and probably not so sensible blind trust is gone forever. It’s probably a good thing too, because blind trust isn’t really healthy trust. Like in the "old days" if your wife told you she was going to the store to get some milk on a Friday night but was dressed in that slinky cocktail dress and all done up… you might have trusted her despite some misgivings.
It’s replaced by trust-but-verify. For now, and the next couple of years if your wife says she’s going to the store – chances are you verify. You see if there are new groceries, if the timings are appropriate, if she’s secretive, if there is a financial transaction… You VERIFY. With time – when she’s confirmed she’s doing what she says when she says – the need to verify drops but it’s never replaced by blind trust.
It’s like if you have a new employee. You might be keeping tabs on him meeting deadlines for the first weeks, but if he repeatedly does so you give more leeway, and it becomes more of a check-in rather than constant monitoring.
So… to regain trust she needs to be an open book and accept that there is no trust. That it needs to be rebuilt, and that is done through verification.
Second: You can only fully deal with what you know. In other words: if you don’t think you know everything there is no way you can deal with the infidelity in the marriage.
I have this theory (and it’s not even mine, it’s probably the common consensus here on this site) that if you have the truth, you can possibly recover from ANYTHING. Doesn’t mean you should or that every marriage should be saved, but I honestly believe that if you know the truth you have a chance of working things out. That’s why we have esteemed members that have reconciled from multiple affairs, long-term affairs and comparable situations.
The level of truth is dependent on what you need. In your instance you question if it was ever physical. While you have that doubt there is no way at all that you can really reconcile.
Furthermore – if you were to try to reconcile and make seemingly good progress then all that progress would be set back if you discovered 10 months from now that they kissed. THAT knowledge at THAT time has the potential of causing more damage than learning NOW that they had sex.
The level of detail you need is dependent of what YOU need. For some knowing there was physical contact is enough and no further detail needed. Some need more info, as was it oral, kissing, full-on-sex or whatever. It’s dependent on your needs.
I want to stress this: Learning NOW that they were at it like rabbits will cause less permanent damage than thinking nothing happened, and then discovering a year from now they made out.
I’m going to suggest the following action plan for you:
First of all – let the OM wife know. Do this without any conversation or warning to your wife. It’s not about her, but about you. You don’t have to lie to her or say anything more than you know. Just contact her (and do this in a gentle and kind way) and say something like:
Hey – I think you need to know that my wife and your husband had a relationship that I think is inappropriate for two married people to have. This is what I know … [put content here]. My wife denies it ever got physical but acknowledges it was inappropriate. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth, but I believe you need to know about this."
That’s it. You don’t have to prove anything to her nor dictate what she does with the info. Chances are she will confront her husband, and that’s all you want. It’s not revenge but rather an incentive for him to stop sniffing around your wife. If she goes calling and her White Knight tells her to piss off… it’s a real mood-breaker.
Next step is to tell your wife something along these lines:
Wife. I really want to save our marriage and I truly think that if we commit to it, we can. But I have also realized that I want a true marriage, and that whatever we had was wrecked the moment you started your affair with OM.
I can’t work at saving something if I don’t know HOW wrecked it is. I don’t want a quasi-marriage, and while I am constantly doubting you there is no way we can be married. I want to make you this offer:
Tell me the TRUTH down to the level of detail I ask for. Validate that truth with me. We can use phone-logs, financial accounts, messages, social media… whatever… to support that what you say is true. Do this and NO MATTER what you tell me I will commit to not filing for divorce for the next 60 days. That gives us time to deal with whatever dark issue might come to the surface. If you have already told me the truth… well… great. You have nothing to risk once you have convinced me.
At some point – when you state I know everything I ask for – we will do a polygraph. What this does is create a base we can work from. If you pass, I will accept I have the truth and work from that. If you fail… well… that will tell me, you don’t trust me with the truth and since you don’t trust me, and I don’t trust you we don’t have anything to base a marriage on. At least we can move on from there and seek an amicable divorce.
This is what I need to move on as a married couple. If you aren’t willing then we both have to accept that this marriage is over, and let’s just be open and honest about it and work things out to an amicable divorce.
I have told you what I want – I have told you what I need. Its now up to you to let me know what you want to do with that.