Dear Antoinette:
So sorry you're here and are struggling with his cheating and abuse, and the lingering after effects of living a harsh and chaotic life.
I'm gonna be blunt. Not to make you feel bad, but to hopefully validate some of the doubts you're tenuously voicing in your post.
Your "jealousy" is not the problem. Your gut is screaming at you that something is amiss. Trust your gut. What you describe looks like typical lying and gaslighting right out of the Cheater's Handbook. Of course you feel anxious and depressed!
His infidelities, FaceBook "relationships" and so on are not the issue.
The issue is he's an abuser. What you describe is domestic abuse - full stop.
You're consumed by the cheating and betrayals because infidelity is one of the most powerful coercive weapons in the abuser's arsenal. Abusers (like him) use infidelity to diminish self-esteem, tear down confidence and increase feelings of vulnerability. It's commendable rebuilding confidence is important to you right now! IMO, doesn't matter if the inappropriate relationships with his FaceBook harem weren't physical, or if they were "only" emotional affairs. It's still cheating because what he's doing is NOT okay with you or respectful to the marriage. Which leaves you feeling powerless, humiliated and threatens ANY feelings of safety and security within the relationship. The insecurity keeps you distracted, dancing to win his approval - your identity "wrapped up in him to the point that I want to know all his thoughts and feelings to the point that it consumes me." So, in a nutshell, cheating is part and parcel with domestic abuse. It's a tool he's using to manipulate you, to isolate you and tear you down. To keep you off kilter, walking on eggshells to be a better wifey to serve HIM. I hope this makes sense.
I’m questioning now if this is life or just a long trauma bond?
So glad you're going back to therapy! Definitely discuss trauma bonding with your therapist. Seems logical. Hope the IC is competent - with a solid grounding in trauma and domestic abuse. Because his physical abuse and controlling behaviors are definitely hallmarks of domestic abuse. The anxiety and depression are also concerning. PTSD is something to look into with the therapist. You've had a lifetime of trauma that took a toll both physically and emotionally. PTSD is difficult to shake without appropriate professional treatment.
Me not knowing myself now causes me to also not know him.
Yes, absolutely focus on your healing. But do it for YOU. Don't approach therapy as a way to silence your internal alarm bells regarding his treatment. Or as a tool to prop up your marriage by normalizing/rug-sweeping his abuse to alleviate his "guilt". Your (understandable!) reaction to the abuse isn't the problem - his ABUSE is the problem. Therapy will be a way for you to find your path - to marshal your inner strength to climb out of this. To help regain your self-esteem and find your footing. To build confidence and help find your awesome self. You've raised five kids without his help, financially supported your family, pursued your education, made a home for your family, and MORE! You've survived so much. You're pretty amazing, in my opinion.
More things to explore in therapy - how about exploring best ways to support your children? They're living this chaotic reality right alongside you! You're concerned about them witnessing the two of you arguing about his FaceBook harem, putting the blame for their trauma on your "issues" and jealousy. Gently, their trauma doesn't stem solely from you. What about his physical abuse? Did they ever witness that? How about his refusal to help you keep the household running and help raise your kids? His cruel treatment of you, his sister and his mother? Are your kids internalizing his negative attitudes towards women and imprinting that this is what a marriage should look like?
You've spent 21 years in this emotionally, physically and mentally abusive marriage. Does he deserve any more of your precious life? What has he done to become a better father and husband? Has he done any IC, anger management, batterer intervention programs etc.? You can't singlehandedly save your family and marriage. YOU regaining self-esteem won't change HIM. In other words, you can't control the outcome by fixing you. He's gotta want to be a better man for HIMSELF for reconciliation to really work. Which means he should be all in to become a better partner! For example, if he's truly "supportive" seems he would at the very least end the FaceBook shenanigans because you're his wife and it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. Your emotional wellbeing would come first before his ego kibbles. Seems reliving youthful glory days with gals who knew him back when is more important than you feeling safe and nurtured. Your healing and happiness are not on his priority list. Your description of the situation says (IMO) the external validation (ego stroking!) he gets from his FaceBook harem is priority number one. It's not about them or their feelings, it's all about HIM and the ego boost he gets from their attention. This is not what a "supportive" husband looks like. You deserve better, your children deserve better.
I hope this helps you Antoinette. Some of my feedback may feel harsh, but comes from a place of genuine concern for you and your children. You've lived with his childish (yet brutal) treatment for decades and its taken a toll. I see you questioning yourself, putting the blame for his abuse on YOU. Time to recognize your power! You can't help your kids unless you help yourself first. They need you to be the safe parent, the sane parent. Best wishes to you!
ETA:
How could we ever have a threesome or enjoy friendships if we’re not open about chemistry and feelings.
Are discussions happening about "opening" the marriage? If so, was this his idea?
[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:24 PM, Thursday, January 12th]