SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I confronted my H on dday2 I was not emotional. Very matter of fact. The conversation was 3 sentences and then I left the room.

I didn’t give him any opportunity to try to lie his way out of the situation. I also cut off any manipulative behavior he thought he could get away with.

Definitely a game changer. He no longer had any power in our marriage.

You have received excellent advice, so I will only add this. Make sure you have a voice activated recorder (VAR) on you when you confront, just in case she goes completely off the rails when you confront her.

This will remove her ability to claim that you were in any way threatening or hostile when you presented her with the D reality.

She's already proven that she's willing to lie to protect the image she projects to friends and acquaintances. Make sure you can prove otherwise. If she'll lie to friends, she'll lie to a judge.

Solar Chick... excellent point.

Im wondering if you have had the talk yet?

I am in a similar position, as I posted my story in another thread (5 weeks later and im still dying inside).

I can't tell how much I relate to your issue and how much this hurts.

This entire thing sucks.

How are you doing and have you confronted her yet?
One day at a time.

All I can say is, don’t do something which you can’t carry out, i.e. Don’t use divorce as a threat for her to stay in this marriage. It’s yours and yours alone to decide if you still want D or R; don't use it on her. If you are sure you want D, serve the papers and DON’T BACKTRACK from there otherwise you lose in the power balance in this relationship. And this will come back to bite you in the a$$ in the future.

You don’t need her acknowledgement to get D but yours alone. Never force anyone for reconciliation. Because her fear of D will lead to a false R. Don't let her make your decision.

Now it’s your time to decide if you can live with her affair / lack of trust in your marriage.
If you think you cannot, you don’t need to confront, calmly sit her down and tell her about your knowledge and your decision. Keep in mind, your goal is to get out of this mess with minimum damage.

If she shows you enough remorse with actions to try for R, go for it.

Ok, I want to discuss something else that others haven't really addressed yet. So you are now fully aware its been a physical affair. The big question you need to ask yourself, can you really forgive her and move forward with this marriage, knowing that she chose willingly to have sexual relations with another man? She gave to another what was supposed to be shared between you both, did so enthusiasticly, with no thought as to the pain it has now caused you, and to the to the family as well. This affects so many more than "just" her selfish need.
No matter if she really tells you the whole truth, depending how much you really want to know, the mind movies will play in your head now and for a very long time. Can you let it go, rid the mind movies, continue laying next to her in bed sleeping peacefully, knowing that another man had did this with her as well?
Think this over very carefully. Its easy to start the mental masturbation and then mind f@#k yourself horribly.
This is way more than D or R. This cuts to the core of trust, emotional security and values of living a life together. No matter what issues had occurred in your marriage, this is as big of a transgression that can be done between couples who are solely monogamous.
Do not rush to do anything. Get the D papers going and ready. If R IS what you desire then as is said, you must be willing to end the marriage to save it. Damn man I hate hearing this and my soul crys for the pain you have to carry. Peace and blessings to you and your family.