Lilbritches,
I'm so sorry you needed to find this group, but I'm glad you did.
I've been married 32 years also. My wayward husband (WH) was also cheating with a coworker...and then also some other women when that fizzled out (all online, but was sexting with pics and videos).
Overall, expect that you are definitely being lied to still. People who cheat have already proven that they are good at hiding things and keeping secrets from their spouses, so the lying continues even after confrontation. Cheaters are self-centered. They cheated to serve their own desires and needs and they will lie to continue to protect themselves
My husband denied in a variety of ways after the first confrontation--shocked that I would accuse him of such a thing, angry that I would suspect him, looking deeply into my eyes and swearing that nothing was going on, etc). Yep, 5 days later I texted the 3rd woman (I didn't know or suspect about his 1st 2 affair partners at that time) and she started sending me screen shots of their clearly cheating conversations. She was single and he had convinced her he was also single--so she was very horrified and cooperative.
If course he looked deeply into my eyes again after that blow up and swore that I now knew it all....NOPE. I did more digging and found evidence of the other women. Took a few weeks to get him to admit most of it. Took 8 months before he finally admitted that the 1st affair with the coworker was two and a half to three YEARS...not the 7-8 months he had led me to believe.
This is called "trickle truth" and it was devastating. More damaging than even the initial discovery. It's already awful to know your spouse can betray you when you are peacefully going about your life thinking it's pretty much all good and normal. It's another to know that your spouse can see you in such pain and hear you say sincerely many, many times that you just need to know it ALL just to begin healing...and yet they still choose to protect themselves over helping you heal and they continue to lie--only to devastate you all over again as you discover more lies.
This road is hard.
Searching his truck & garage for a cell phone is a good idea. Also search coat pockets and maybe even boots/shoes. Anything is possible, but I'd be surprised if he doesn't have an electronic way to communicate with her.
If you find a cell phone, don't just look at the pic folder, also look at the trash or in the deleted pics folder. Moreover, use the menu key for the homescreen to see currently open apps. If you go to the apps search function, you can see recently opened apps. If he has a cell phone, but isn't tech-savvy, he may not be great at covering his tracks.
My husband was a fan of using Messenger in Facebook to communicate with his affair partners.
he doesn't know what he wants but he has feelings for her and still cares about me. He wants to know if I can forgive him and never speak of it again
I'm sure he does want this. It benefits him, and he is still thinking of himself and not you. He isn't empathizing with you or your pain at all. If the roles were reversed, he would be angry that you suggested this "solution."
Don't agree to this in any way.
In fact, as long as he is still saying that he has "feelings" for her, your position should be: "I don't agree to a marriage with a third person involved." Tell him she can have him. Believe me that she is no prize and he isn't either. They are both cheaters.
If you play by his rules, the lying and cheating will definitely continue--if not with her then with someone else down the road. He has to know you will not agree to pretend this didn't happen and just move on.
If you tell him she can have him, he might go. What does she get if he does leave you? An unemployed dude that cheats on his committed partner. He is no prize.
It's also possible that drawing a strong line in the sand will wake him up to that idea that you aren't going to compete for him because he is no prize and that he doesn't get to cheat and then also decide how to move forward from this. He cheated. There are hard consequences. And what is important now is YOUR healing, not his ability to call the shots or walk away from consequences.
I'm not suggesting that you use a hardline approach to get him to come back to you and wake him up to the fact that he doesn't really love this other woman. I'm not suggesting games playing.
I'm suggesting that you protect yourself. That you draw strong boundaries that serve your interests.
My husband was almost immediately "contrite" and taking full responsibility, and not blaming me in any way for his choices, and willing to go no-contact with his affair partner, and willing to initiate therapy right away, etc. Yet he was still lying about what he'd truly done. And that lying did a boat load more damage to our relationship. The reverberations are still being felt today. And we are approaching almost 3 years after that 1st confrontation.
I wish I'd drawn strong boundaries from the get-go. I wish I'd separated right away. I firmly believe that, if I'd acted more strongly in my own best interests early on, that we'd either be divorced and I'd be more healed or we would have reached a point of true honesty much faster and I'd be more healed.
Protect yourself in this, dear lady. I'm so sorry this is so very difficult. It is. But we do know that pain and we support you.
[This message edited by BreakingBad at 8:46 AM, Saturday, December 10th]