FallingApart, you are asking her to change. But until you take that first step to change yourself, nothing changes if nothing changes. You are as much of the problem as she is. You also set yourself up for the breakdown in your marriage. This is important for you to try and understand. Your WW doesn't see her part in the pain that she is causing you. And I also don't think you see how you also have contributed to the downfalls in your marriage. I believe the best place for you to begin your work is to begin working on you.
I also loved my deceased WH with all my heart. Don't most of us feel this way about our spouses? And I also was determined to stay with him until death do us part. And I made good of my word. But at what cost and harm did I cause to myself by sticking it out with the delusions I kept in my mind about him? Seriously he also was my KISA. I also created in my mind what a great and wonderful, faithful and trustworthy guy he was. He was none of these things. I created in my mind what I wanted him to be, and stuck my head in the sand and refused to want to see what he was doing behind my back.
I'm not suggesting that you leave your WW. That choice is ultimately your choice to make. What I'm suggesting is for you to put the focus back on you. What are your boundaries in life and how do you want to be treated?
I know for sure that my boundaries with my deceased WH didn't have any limit. He could basically do whatever he wanted to do and I would still accept him back. And boy did he take advantage of that.
I remember I made a decision to ride it out with him to help him to get well. And also at a cost to my mental, physical and spiritual self. His problems in life were way too big for me to handle and apparently I also thought I had super human powers to help him to overcome his addictions and all of his other problems. But in reality, his problems and struggles in his life were not my responsibility to force change on him and for him to see his ways.
He crushed my soul. And that is not love. Go and read the Love is patient scripture.
I am not trying to be mean or say hurtful things to you. Or try and get you to leave your WW. I am only trying to help you to see your part in the downfall of your marriage.
You have zero boundaries with her. She can do anything and you will still take her back. Nothing is too much for you to handle. You also are her KISA. You want to save her and fix her. Force change upon her. And that is not your job to do that. She needs to want to do this on her own.
I remember when I first came to this site to seek help and advice from others here and the others were telling me the same things as I am saying to you.
At the time I felt very defensive and confused over what I was allowing him to put me through and what SI members were advising me to do. I didn't want to accept that my deceased WH was a liar and cheater. And that he wasn't good for me. Reminds me of your situation.
I was just beginning to create emotional space between myself and my husband before he passed away because I knew that if I wasn't willing to do something to change, he was going to eat me alive, so to speak.
Trust me when I tell you that this is not how I envisioned he and I and our marriage to be. I saw in him what I wanteed to see in him, perfection, gentle nature, safety, loving, kindness,fun to be with. But I also chose to ignore the red flags; flirting and dancing with other women, flirting with and talking about other women when he was with me.
I remember when we were dating I found a card that another women had given to him. She said that she was so happy to have met him. He also told me that she was "just a friend." At one point when we broke our engagement off, he went out and slept with another women.
I dated but did not have the desire to be intimate with anyone else because I loved him. And if we got back together I didn't want him to be hurt by actions while we were apart. There were so many red flags that "I" chose to ignore while we were still dating, just as you have done.
What is your bottom before you decide to say enough is enough? And I'm not talking about your leaving her. I am asking you when are you going to take a stand for yourself and your beliefs?
What are your beliefs? Are you okay with her flirting and having sex with other men? Because that is what she has been doing. Are you okay with her giving you a sti because even a kiss from another man could potentially tranfere an infection to you. Are you okay with her getting a red rose from another man? This is current news. Are you okay with sharing her with another man whether it is flirting with him, whispering sweet nothings in each others ear men chasing after her and coming on to her? Foreplay with another man in the car? What is your bottom line with this abuse before it causes you to breakdown? Have you put any thought into the idea that these men are chasing after her because she is easy?
I know that eventually I would have had to make a decision because it was that bad and it only got worse over time because neither of us were seriously willing to take a stand. Well, I was but I still was putting too much time into trying to change him and his behaviors.
Your WW bad behavior will mostly likely increase over time because she doesn't have any morals and boundaries. And your tolerance for pain is limitless until it won't be anymore and something in your body breaks down. It is like you are on a merry go round.
The human body can deal with only so much before it goes into shutdown mode. I now have pretty severe PTSD because of him. I have learned to manage it with antidepressants and therapy. Without the two I probably would have gone crazy and who else knows what might have happened I have gone down so low because of him. I even contemplated suicide at different moments because his abuse was so severe and I felt so helpless and I felt I had to take it. Today I now know that I did have choices back then. I felt so helpless back then and throughout our marriage. At the time all I could see was him. And how I could change him. And did he love me? I know for sure at the time I surely didn't love or stick up for myself. It was a horrible way to have allowed myself to live.
I really hate to say this but by the grace of God, God removed my WH from my life because I couldn't do it for myself. And he knew this. Right now in life you have choices to make in regards to you and your marriage to your WW. And also you are in charge of yourself. You can't make your WW change. And the possibility of her changing her ways could be slim.
You have the ability to change "you" and what you are willing to accept from your WW. So my question to you again is what are you willing to change about yourself to help improve your circumstances?
God is good. God is love. God wants you to be happy. And God also allows you to make your own decisions. Can you hear God and what he is trying to tell you to do? God is a part of SI. He uses us, the members to try and help and support others who are going through tough times. There are really good people here on SI that donate a good amount of their time supporting and guiding those like you who are in distress and trying to find a way out of the darkness. We all have good intentions because we don't want to see you make the same mistakes as we did.
Try and sit quietly and try to listen to what God is trying to tell you in your soul. Are you able to hear him? I hear him clearly today.
I also pray that you find peace and understanding in your situation and eventually for you to see the light and the way.
The devil preys on the lost souls, the meek and the mild.
I think sooner rather than later you are going to need to find the strength within yourself and learn how to take the lead role in your marriage and makes changes within yourself. One step at a time, one day at a time.