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Newest Member: LaSecondeFois

Just Found Out :
After 12 years I still have demons of doubt and mistrust please help


Tren0R201 ( member #39633) posted at 5:57 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

she is worth fighting for even with the baggage she has.

You fight for her and yet quite often she doesnt for you. She can cheat as many times as she likes knowing..."You'll fight for her"

In my heart, deep in my heart I do love my wife.

You keep repeating this as if trying to convince yourself this will mitigate her cheating. Ask yourself when does love turn into codependancy

As I said she is the sweetest person you could ever meet

She isn't. Really. Again, are you trying to convince yourself she is, sweetness doesnt cheat..repeatedly

she is very caring for everyone, she a beautiful lady that has a beautiful smile that will make anyone who comes in contact with her attracted to her

Caring you everyone but you, flowery language

she has a high profile job and is well loved by her coworkers, she is loved by all my family and friends,

You wrote a fantastic tribute which almost glorifies her and puts her on the highest pedestal...and yet...she still cheated and likely will cheat again..despite being quite literally the most incredible woman to ever exist.

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2013
id 8768760

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 8:15 AM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

You are her Plan B. You've always been her Plan B. You are her fallback guy. When any of her past relationships didn't work out she always knew she could come running back to you without any comsequences. You were her safety net. Didn't matter what she did with these other guys, even when she slept with them you still took her back because she knew that you would.

Everyone is saying for her to get therapy. I say that you especially are the one who needs to seek therapy. And I do agree with the others about you're not seeing her in the correct lighting which brings me to another topic.

You said that your wife has two sides to her, basically the fake facade which she wears for the outside world to see. And then there is her core foundation; her lieing, cheating, her hurtful immoral behavior which sounds like she has shared extensively with you in one way or another which you didn't actually come out and say what it was. You mentioned that there was something evil about her. This is who she really is. This is where you need to really take notes. She's not protecting you or your soul.

Her beauty and kindness and whatever else you want to build her up to be is not sustainable. What is sustainable is how she treats you and loves you. Respects you. Faithfulness. Honesty. I think that you are confusing her appearance with who she really is. Beauty is only skin deep. I have struggled with this a lot with my deceased WH. Oh but he is so handsome and charming. Takes me places. Does nice things for me. Nevermind that he just flirted with about every pretty woman that walked by, stared and smiled at them, had sex with other women, had longterm relationships with other women, dispite the fact that he was a married man with a family! And he did a lot of this right in front of me. Not the sex part but might as well had. Hmmmm, he was handsome, charming, personable, power position, verses cheater, liar, could have passed on an std. I was always his Plan B. Do you see where I am going with this? What really matters most are her actions toward you. And that she respects and loves you. At this point I don't see it.

I also have been very confused over who my deceased WH was. He also had the good, upstanding citizen, hard worker side of him he shared with his peers. And then he had his "other" side (he tried to hide from me) which made him into the real man he was; cheater, liar, alcoholic, unsafe partner. Do you understand what I am saying? The last part is who my deceased WH was. Didn't matter if he was nice to me or financially took care of me, vacations, clothes, etc. It did not erase the fact that he was a dishonest and untrustworthy husband.

I also only wanted to see the good in him. I didn't want to see the truth of who he really was and what he was doing. I also questioned his motives and actions throughout our 32 year marriage. But he was able to convince me that he was none of those bad things.

Sickening at times to have to deal with these memories on a daily basis. Unfortunately they don't go away so quickly if at all but thankfully time does fade these memories. And I am having better days but can also see who he was, so clearly. No more blinders on.

And sadly I didn't like that person he was since day one but I chose to ignore, or forgive or to sweep it under the rug or some other stupid response in response to his horrible behavior. And I also was his Plan B. I don't know how many times I was his Plan B but too many times. The first time he treated me that way should had been enough for me to walk away.

He didn't respect me and your wife doesn't respect you either. People like to refer to us as doormats or codependents. I agree. I used to be that way but not anymore. If people disrespect me today I pretty much don't let it slide. I will say something. Whereas in the past I would let them walk all over me, including my WH. If by some chance, miracle he would walk in the door today, I'm honestly not sure that I could stomach being in the same room as him because of what he did to me. And also now that I've had the time to think about it and to face the facts about what he did, if I saw him today in person, I'm just not sure how I would feel about it because I've changed so much since he passed away. I don't have to deal with the abuse anymore. It's a fact. So very greatful to be out of denial and to be able to see the light.

This has been one of my biggest lessons in life. I am the one who needed to change. I am the one who needed to say no more. My deceased WH didn't have a problem with what he was doing. He thrived in that lifestyle. Why not? Girlfriends on the side. Flirting and sex with other women. Power position. Supportive loving, doormat and codependent wife. He didn't care how what he was doing made me feel because imo looking back in time, I see that he really didn't care enough about me.

There were zero consequences for his actions with these other women. And when he left me for one of these other women and then decided to come back home to me, guess who was waiting with their arms wide open? Me! The sucker.

He pretty much got away with being unfaithful since early on in our marriage. And before we got married he showed me his true colors, just as your wife has showed you her true colors. Your relationship began early on when the two of you were very young and on very unstable grounds.

I think that you are obsessed and addicted to her and you aren't seeing her clearly. I do think you are on the right path though. Just try not to lose site of what you are discovering about her and yourself. I believe that your gut is screaming at you and this time you aren't able to shut it off.

posts: 905   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8768764

 FallingApartAtTheSeams (original poster new member #82492) posted at 2:33 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

As I said before I Love my wife with all my heart and I want to be with her until the day I die. I feel like we can get through all this with professional help and she has agreed to do so. That is a step forward and I feel good knowing that our marriage has a chance of being what it should be. Thanks to everyone who has been giving me advice and to anyone here that is religious please pray for me and my Family. With God's help I believe we can get through this and be able to help others some day if they are in the position we are in now.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8768828

lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 4:04 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

I mean this in the nicest way possible so please take this in that spirit.

Nearly all of your life you have placed your wife so high on a pedestal that you almost regarded her as sort of a "superhuman". She was your "Soulmate" and your "One". No one else could ever come close to her. I think Hollywood and the media have sold us a huge falsehood over the years of happy ever afters.

In my 80+ years (soon to be 90) I have learned that in this human population of 7-8 billion people that there are "Ones" and there are "Not Ones". No one person can ever fill all the expectations we expect from the "The One". It is humanly impossible. All of us have flaws.

I have been married to my wife for soon to be 62 years. In that time period she has been my "One". However, before I was betrayed I thought my ex-fiance was my "One". Maybe I am just cynical. Over the years I have wondered about how one of my relatives or friends could be married to their "Soulmate"... however, whenever they became widowed or divorced, their new partner became their "Soulmate". In fact, my wife has a relative that is now on her 6th "Soulmate". She actually told me that her current husband is her soulmate. But two husbands before him she told me the same thing. How is that possible?

As I previously said, I guess I am just cynical. All of these years of watching humans make the same mistakes and errors of judgment over and over has probably turned me this way. I do believe humans can changed their behavior... maybe even the wiring in their brain. I have seen people consistently change the way they act. However, no one knows if they have truly changed their thinking or if they will ever fall back into their previous bad habits... such as cheating again.

I hope she can change but that is going to be a long, long, and hard road for her since she learned this behavior in a young age and it is hardwired into her brain.

I am more concerned for you though. I believe that you are so dependent upon her for your personal sense of self I think you really co-dependent and have been for nearly all your life. It seems your happiness depends upon her and her actions. Do you have a life outside of her and your daughter? Do you have your own separate and apart group of friends that do not ever interact with your wife or daughter? Do you have any hobbies where you can go off by yourself for hours without them being involved... say hunting or fishing or something similar? Do you become unhappy if she is unhappy? Does your day brighten up if you see she is having a good day? Somehow you need to try to break free from this co-dependence.

If you do nothing else you need to get yourself into individual counseling.

As I said, I said all the above in the best spirit of friendship I can offer. I apologize if this comes off harsh and unfeeling.

Good luck.

One thing I can add about Soulmates and Ones. My wife really and truly believes that fate brought us together and we were meant for each other and no one else. She believes that I am her "Soulmate" and her "One". For selfish reasons I am not going to try to convince her to think differently smile . It is to my selfish benefit to have her continue thinking that way.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 4:49 PM, Friday, December 9th]

posts: 232   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8768896

EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 5:49 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

You’ve received some real quality advice so far and I’m not going to add to that, I’m seven years out and I completely understand where you are and what you’re experiencing, unfortunately!!

Remember this: It’s always the lies and deceit that get you in the end!

You have 3 choices, Stay but do you just go with it as it is ie keep up the facade of a good marriage but you know something will happen! Rip off the mask, remove the rose tinted glasses and try to actually fix the damage together but be aware, she must understand what’s really required and lead - only you can gauge if she could do it or want to do it? Lastly, go for divorce - don’t forget neither of you are going anywhere fast due to your daughter as she’s still young but removing the cause of the issues will help you heal!

I’d suggest you get into counselling for yourself, look to heal yourself - the stay plan can be the same as the go plan! Be the best version of yourself and change the relationship dynamics - you are to become the number one person. The person who care the least, in real terms controls the relationship - sounds ridiculous but your KISA / white knight / wife on a pedestal type set up doesn’t work - Walt Disney has a lot to answer for. A lot of people have fallen foul of this whole concept but you’re young enough to go again and live your best life! Live and learn, make informed decisions moving forward - keep posting, people are here to help!!

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8768949

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 6:08 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

I wish you lots of luck, but I seriously doubt she'll do more than psychically attend.After all this time, she is who she is,shes been this way all her life,she's fooled you for decades, she'll maintain that but to a better degree, but good luck, you do you.

posts: 134   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8768953

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 8:15 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

FallingApart, you are asking her to change. But until you take that first step to change yourself, nothing changes if nothing changes. You are as much of the problem as she is. You also set yourself up for the breakdown in your marriage. This is important for you to try and understand. Your WW doesn't see her part in the pain that she is causing you. And I also don't think you see how you also have contributed to the downfalls in your marriage. I believe the best place for you to begin your work is to begin working on you.

I also loved my deceased WH with all my heart. Don't most of us feel this way about our spouses? And I also was determined to stay with him until death do us part. And I made good of my word. But at what cost and harm did I cause to myself by sticking it out with the delusions I kept in my mind about him? Seriously he also was my KISA. I also created in my mind what a great and wonderful, faithful and trustworthy guy he was. He was none of these things. I created in my mind what I wanted him to be, and stuck my head in the sand and refused to want to see what he was doing behind my back.

I'm not suggesting that you leave your WW. That choice is ultimately your choice to make. What I'm suggesting is for you to put the focus back on you. What are your boundaries in life and how do you want to be treated?

I know for sure that my boundaries with my deceased WH didn't have any limit. He could basically do whatever he wanted to do and I would still accept him back. And boy did he take advantage of that.

I remember I made a decision to ride it out with him to help him to get well. And also at a cost to my mental, physical and spiritual self. His problems in life were way too big for me to handle and apparently I also thought I had super human powers to help him to overcome his addictions and all of his other problems. But in reality, his problems and struggles in his life were not my responsibility to force change on him and for him to see his ways.

He crushed my soul. And that is not love. Go and read the Love is patient scripture.

I am not trying to be mean or say hurtful things to you. Or try and get you to leave your WW. I am only trying to help you to see your part in the downfall of your marriage.

You have zero boundaries with her. She can do anything and you will still take her back. Nothing is too much for you to handle. You also are her KISA. You want to save her and fix her. Force change upon her. And that is not your job to do that. She needs to want to do this on her own.

I remember when I first came to this site to seek help and advice from others here and the others were telling me the same things as I am saying to you.

At the time I felt very defensive and confused over what I was allowing him to put me through and what SI members were advising me to do. I didn't want to accept that my deceased WH was a liar and cheater. And that he wasn't good for me. Reminds me of your situation.

I was just beginning to create emotional space between myself and my husband before he passed away because I knew that if I wasn't willing to do something to change, he was going to eat me alive, so to speak.

Trust me when I tell you that this is not how I envisioned he and I and our marriage to be. I saw in him what I wanteed to see in him, perfection, gentle nature, safety, loving, kindness,fun to be with. But I also chose to ignore the red flags; flirting and dancing with other women, flirting with and talking about other women when he was with me.

I remember when we were dating I found a card that another women had given to him. She said that she was so happy to have met him. He also told me that she was "just a friend." At one point when we broke our engagement off, he went out and slept with another women.

I dated but did not have the desire to be intimate with anyone else because I loved him. And if we got back together I didn't want him to be hurt by actions while we were apart. There were so many red flags that "I" chose to ignore while we were still dating, just as you have done.

What is your bottom before you decide to say enough is enough? And I'm not talking about your leaving her. I am asking you when are you going to take a stand for yourself and your beliefs?

What are your beliefs? Are you okay with her flirting and having sex with other men? Because that is what she has been doing. Are you okay with her giving you a sti because even a kiss from another man could potentially tranfere an infection to you. Are you okay with her getting a red rose from another man? This is current news. Are you okay with sharing her with another man whether it is flirting with him, whispering sweet nothings in each others ear men chasing after her and coming on to her? Foreplay with another man in the car? What is your bottom line with this abuse before it causes you to breakdown? Have you put any thought into the idea that these men are chasing after her because she is easy?

I know that eventually I would have had to make a decision because it was that bad and it only got worse over time because neither of us were seriously willing to take a stand. Well, I was but I still was putting too much time into trying to change him and his behaviors.

Your WW bad behavior will mostly likely increase over time because she doesn't have any morals and boundaries. And your tolerance for pain is limitless until it won't be anymore and something in your body breaks down. It is like you are on a merry go round.

The human body can deal with only so much before it goes into shutdown mode. I now have pretty severe PTSD because of him. I have learned to manage it with antidepressants and therapy. Without the two I probably would have gone crazy and who else knows what might have happened I have gone down so low because of him. I even contemplated suicide at different moments because his abuse was so severe and I felt so helpless and I felt I had to take it. Today I now know that I did have choices back then. I felt so helpless back then and throughout our marriage. At the time all I could see was him. And how I could change him. And did he love me? I know for sure at the time I surely didn't love or stick up for myself. It was a horrible way to have allowed myself to live.

I really hate to say this but by the grace of God, God removed my WH from my life because I couldn't do it for myself. And he knew this. Right now in life you have choices to make in regards to you and your marriage to your WW. And also you are in charge of yourself. You can't make your WW change. And the possibility of her changing her ways could be slim.

You have the ability to change "you" and what you are willing to accept from your WW. So my question to you again is what are you willing to change about yourself to help improve your circumstances?

God is good. God is love. God wants you to be happy. And God also allows you to make your own decisions. Can you hear God and what he is trying to tell you to do? God is a part of SI. He uses us, the members to try and help and support others who are going through tough times. There are really good people here on SI that donate a good amount of their time supporting and guiding those like you who are in distress and trying to find a way out of the darkness. We all have good intentions because we don't want to see you make the same mistakes as we did.

Try and sit quietly and try to listen to what God is trying to tell you in your soul. Are you able to hear him? I hear him clearly today.

I also pray that you find peace and understanding in your situation and eventually for you to see the light and the way.

The devil preys on the lost souls, the meek and the mild.

I think sooner rather than later you are going to need to find the strength within yourself and learn how to take the lead role in your marriage and makes changes within yourself. One step at a time, one day at a time.

posts: 905   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8768971

CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 8:30 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022


You have gotten some great advice above. I hope you heed it.

The thing that stands out to me in all of your posts is that you are paralyzingly enamored with her beauty. I get it. Men, too often are suckers for a pretty face. But there is an old proverb, "A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout." It reminds us that although we admire, like even, the beauty, ya just can't get past the pig! As time begins to tarnish the gold ring, the pig steps onto center stage. That is when the regrets really take hold.

I would ask you why do you think so little of yourself that you allow someone to treat you this way? You say you are a Christian. So often Christian men focus on the command to "Love your wife as Christ loves the church, laying down His life for her." This is true, but it must be taken in balance with other truth. Christ is the same one who will reply, "I never knew you", to many who claim to be his. Do we really assume that the King of kings and Lord of lords will simply allow the wicked to steam-roll Him after the free gift he has offered at such great a price? I would encourage you to step into your role of headship and fiercely protect your family from all who would threaten them, even her. I encourage you to gain a more thorough understanding of what it means to embody Biblical Headship.

As an aside, if you are able to handle material that doesn't share your worldview, can be crude and crass, you won't agree with some things said, (how's that for a disclaimer?) take a read of "The Dead Bedroom Fix" by DSO. He will point out your pathetic, one-down, groveling behaviors that you may not even be aware of. He just might make you laugh at yourself as you shake your head. I offer this not as an endorsement, but as a resource to help you gain some self-respect again, just remember to think for yourself.
I wish you the best.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 207   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8768974

lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 8:40 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

^^^^^^^^^^ This!!!!!

Hurtmyheart... this is one the best posts and messages I have ever read on Co-dependency and how destructive it can be. Thank you for this post.

posts: 232   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8768975

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 8:57 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2022

Have both given you what amounts to some of the absolutely best posts you've gotten, and they should really give you cause to pause and think.

posts: 134   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8768980

numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 4:47 PM on Thursday, December 15th, 2022

First I am sorry you are here.

I think that you get your wife is broken. Two As over the course of your M indicate a pattern to me. We can debate what is and isn't an A all day long, but the fact remains at a minimum she has terrible boundaries and likely her not addressing her issue the first time led to the second.

Look the problem lies with your wife and until she honestly commits to IC to address her brokeness then this pattern is more likely to continue. It explains why she acted the way she did, but it in no way absolves her of any responsibility for choosing to betray your trust.

She was broken before you guys got together. She is still broken today. Could she change? No one, not even your wife, can say with a high degree of certainty the she can. Possible? Sure. Certain? No.

Your W has seriously maladaptive patterns when dealing with the opposite sex. She artifically lifted herself up for decades by taking men's flirtations that she has value.

Now you showed her a different way and you've rescued her. That works sometimes until you don't have 24/7 to feed her ego kibbles. She can't validate herself and unless she can affirm she is....whatever...then she looks for new sources to feed her never ending almost unlimited need for male attention so she doesn't have to look inward. That needs to be addressed before any hope of rehabilitation can successfully occur. That is 100% on her to work through. If she won't you are going to see similar patterns again. Maybe not an A, but her boundaries. . .well she doesn't have many when it comes to getting her validation supply.

Look man. I get the knight in shining armor narrative. I've lived that in my own life. Putting your wife on a pedestal? Yep me too.

During my recovery from my W's A I did a lot of work on myself and things I learned were anything, but pleasant to admit.

I don't think it would hurt to talk to an IC and explore things about yourself. I learned that I was horribly co-dependent. We both were actually and it did not cause all, but definately did not help us work through any issues. Why? Neither of us felt secure enough to take the other to task when lines were crossed. Why? Because calling my W out on something would reflect back on me and I would have accept responsibilty for the choices she made.

Please give some thought to both of you attending IC. You both need to heal and address those individual demons individually before you will be building a new M. That is where MC can help.

Lastly, please be kind to yourself. Your W chose to open herself up to other men. You did not get a choice in the matter. You have one now. It begins with doing your own healing and then figuring out what you'd like to do next. Take on one thing at one time. Trying to do everything at once gets overwhelming.

I know people can change. My W proved to me it was possible. She ripped open a lot of scars and metaphorically crawled over broken glass to get to where is today. Key for anyone in this circumstance is the desire and will to explore past pain. It is something only your W can do? Only she can answer that.

Keep posting. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it helps to process those feelings.

Saying a prayer for you and yours tonight.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5113   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8769595

SmelltheRoses ( new member #82404) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, December 16th, 2022

I’m so sorry for your situation. I do pray that you and your wife can come to a loving relationship that relieves your pain. Unfortunately, I think to stay married will involve you accepting that she may continue having some sort of outside relationships, hopefully minimized. That’s the way she is wired and while there is always a chance for a miracle, her history shows a part of her cannot resist the temptation and she will eventually be drawn to bad boys again. It could be your cross to bear if you accept it and just focus your love through her good side when she comes back. You seem to have a great ability to forgive, seeing all her good and accepting the times she couldn’t help herself…she may not be able to again.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2022
id 8769814

Sometimesiamlost ( new member #80208) posted at 5:17 PM on Friday, December 16th, 2022

OP - "She has several cousins and other close relatives that are addicted to drugs, prostitutes, in prison, and dead due to alcohol and drugs. She was going that direction and I showed her love and showed her she could do better and have a better life. My family took her in, my parents treated her like their own daughter. She truly has such beauty and charm comes from her."

And look how she treats you. Enough about how beautiful and wonderful she is - she is not sorry to tell you. She maybe gorgeous on the outside (I think you are blinded), but inside she is broken. If she grew up as you said, with family on drugs, selling their bodies, well sorry, that is what shaped her. She is always needing outside validation.

If you stay, best of luck, if you walk, best of luck, but remember this pain of who she really is will never ever leave. And God can't help you - only you can help yourself.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2022
id 8769818

bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 7:43 PM on Friday, December 16th, 2022

What I learned when I had to confront myself with the betrayal was that the real fight is not with your unfaithful partner but with yourself. And I see it in so many other betrayed victims, the struggle to let go, to acknowledge that it wasn't all rainbow and unicorns, to acknowledge that you didn't really know your SO, that the love you cling to despite the many betrayals is just a defense mechanism, desperatedly hoping that you were loved at one point, that you are special. The real issue is to detach yourself from it, making a decision, moving forward, finding a balance. OP, the first step is the hard one and it will take time, becoming honest with yourself.

posts: 90   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8769850

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:43 PM on Sunday, December 18th, 2022

It seems like OP has made a decision, and no amount of measured and reasoned advice will alter his course. It is like shouting at the screen during a horror film.


For us, we have the benefit of having walked through the process and can appreciate it in its entirety. OP is at the beginning. For him, the only clear picture he has is of the life he had, or imagined he had. I understand the desire to hold onto that. We all just wanted safe and normal again, even if it was neither.

OP. No matter what happens with your choice, the fine people here will do their best to help you navigate it. If it goes south, then this is a good refuge to seek out. Your WW may have her Damascus moment, or not. That's okay. You do you.

There is a reason this site is called Surviving Infidelity and not Healing Relationships.

In the end, I chose to D because my rose colored glasses shattered on Dday 2. I gave my STBXWW 6 months to pull her head out of her ass and do the work.but since she had never the work in her life, I was not hopeful. So I bought a new wardrobe on the good chance I'd be single. During that time, I came to see her for who she was, and realized that the very best version of her, I mean the absolute best she had ever been in her life, was no longer good enough for me. I learned to put myself first. I guess the irony of her selfish choices was to push me to reexamine my own codependent tendencies and deconstruct my artifical narratives that kept me in a perpetually shitty place. And in doing so, I left.

He'll, the trash doesn't take itself to the curb...

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1631   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8769981

Browsing41 ( new member #72237) posted at 5:43 PM on Sunday, December 18th, 2022

[This message edited by Browsing41 at 5:48 PM, Sunday, December 18th]

posts: 36   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2019
id 8769995

Browsing41 ( new member #72237) posted at 5:45 PM on Sunday, December 18th, 2022

I think the OP should be getting advice on trying to figure out if his wife is currently cheating. She cheated 12 years ago but is she currently cheating probably most important right now. Finding a red roses in the trash is an indicator that something could be going on presently.

I'm not smart enough but I know some of you are experts at investigating weather his wife is having an affair. Shouldn't we be encouraging OP to find out if his wife is actually having an affair and giving him advice on how to do it.

Knowing weather or not she is currently cheating would be more important to me than when she cheated 12 years ago

posts: 36   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2019
id 8769997

 FallingApartAtTheSeams (original poster new member #82492) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Hello everyone. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I need help with something. If there is anyone here that has experience in doing such a thing I would like for them to add some light to my question that I am struggling with. Also if there are others that have a better understanding android can educate me in understanding it better. This Christmas and New Year has probably been the worst of my life. I have read this post throughout many times and every time I do I learn something new. Two things I am struggling will now are accepting two things that are said many times in the replys. I am trying so hard to accept the two.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8772074

 FallingApartAtTheSeams (original poster new member #82492) posted at 7:52 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Said many times that I needed to accept my wife for who she truly was and the second was to look back and evaluate our history a different prospective as. I have been looking back at our history and beginning to see things differently. Looking back I had to ask myself if I was happy. I am seeing that she didn't and never did love me as much as I loved her Said many times in the replys was. I am seeing the pain that she has caused me and to this day I don't think she has admitted to the things she has done. I am now see there were probably many more affairs that I missed because I was so blind at the time. More than one reply said after they finally accepted to themselves there spouse truly isn't who I am trying to make them and got out of the marriage/relationship saw things so differently than before. Things they were blind to then but see now. I am now realizing that there were probably more affairs that I was blind to then. I only had proof of one that I caught her in. Even then she denied and swore on her Parents and our Daughters name that all they were was friends and the only thing that ever happened between them was he kissed her one time but told him that was wrong and he never did anything inappropriate again after that. I confronted the piece of trash and he admitted that they had made out many times and on two occasions they made each other climax through feeling each other out and he also said they had told each other they loved each other. I confronted her again and told her I had proof that she was lieing and she still only admitted to what I had proof of telling only little steps at the time. Others said kids make out and feel each other off and adults have sex. I agree. I mean if they were meeting up and I got so hot that they were making each other climax why would they not have sex at that point. I mean how could you not just go ahead and have hot sex I'd you were that turned on. The only thing is that they both only admitt that that is as far as it went. I have confronted and even tried many times to trick my wife into thinking I knew more about what happened but she has stood firm that was all that happened. I just don't see how both of their stories are the same if they are both lieing. Am I still blind? I see patterns that I was blind to then but still having a hard time accepting them. Which brings me to my second question.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8772076

 FallingApartAtTheSeams (original poster new member #82492) posted at 8:34 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Now for my second question. I and those who have experience in this and are able to do it can please help me understand how you do it. I will not judge but would like to get some first hand prospective. And those who understand this can help educate me so I can understand. My question is. How do you do it? How do you have two sides? Two separate lives? How can you do the things you do and be able to come home and flip a switch like everything is great at home? Just act like everything is fine with nothing else going on except for the fact you had sex with your affair lover an hour before you got home. Just smiling and kissing your partner and just being nice as can be. I guess the reason that I am struggling with this is I am not accepting any other alternatives on the matter but my own because I know it's something that would be impossible for me to do. I am mean yeah I have looked at other women and admired there beauty and even close friends with a few flirts but I would never be able to have a intimate relationship with any of them. I mean if it ever (which never will be) came to the point and I was in an affair and we were in bed about to have sex I would honestly probably not even be able to function properly and wouldn't even be able to have sex because I couldn't get aroused. And if I did have sex with them I know there is no way I could go home and face my wife and daughter and just act normal. No way at all could I just act like I just had a normal day and everything was just fine. Nothing going on at all. How do you do it or how do they do it. I struggle because when my wife was out making out with her piece of trash and more than likely did a lot more I remember how she acted then. She was acting just like I said earlier. Just like everything was normal all lovie doveie just like always but the truth was she was with him earlier in the day loving him. I just believe I have refused to believe she could do such a terrible thing and be able to act normal at home. I could not love two people and act like nothing was wrong or going on to my wife if I did something like that. I could not do that at all and I guess I have a hard time accepting she could do it or how anyone could do it. How can you live two different lives and keep it together like normal.
I am asking myself this. How many times has she got away with it because of me being blind and trusting my wife that she would never have any affairs on me just because I know I would would never do that to her?

posts: 44   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8772082
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