SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so confused by what I want. D-Day was 1/28/21, last D-Day was 3/2022. I want this work out. He is doing all the things I have asked. However his insecurities have only gotten worse. He would occasionally through out our entire marriage accuse me of cheating. Even thought some porn videos he came across were me in them. I can't even make this crap up. Anyway since he has been caught it has been so bad. They are not outright accusations but he just makes these comments insinuating he thinks I'm doing something. There are times he will spend hours going through my phone while I sleep. I did put a stop to this though as he has struggled with porn on top of everything else so I told him I'm not comfortable with this as he could access it on my phone.

Anyway I'm beginning to think I'm not reconciliation material, that may be this was a deal breaker. I don't think I can ever reconcile with the fact that he slept with another woman. I'm still so angry. At times I feel like I don't even love him anymore. But I am unsure.

A huge part of me just wants to deal with it because I'm not letting his stupid choices take my kids from me 50% of the time. And maybe by some miracle him doing the work will win me over again.

I just don't think I want to be with someone who could do this to me. I still picture them together all day long. It's constant. How can I accept that he did this to me. Traumatized me, hurt me so bad with something that will never go away? How will I look at him the same? How will I ever not look at him and feel disgust, and anger?

The little things that used to bother me send me to 100 now. I can't tolerate him. I'm easily annoyed by him when we have small talk. If we fight about something non affair related I still manage to work that in and throw it in his face anyway. I think that may be because I still don't feel safe. I feel like it's perhaps a slap in the face after what he did that he have any complaints. I know that's not the right path to reconciliation but I'm just not ready to address what he thinks are problems considering I don't even know if I can't accept what he did.

I know none of this is fair to him, but what he did wasn't fair either. He recently said he wanted to be wanted and desired too, and all I could think was "Cool, buddy, if you wanted to be wanted and desired by me you would have never cheated. You lost that from me. Oh well. Get over it."

I don't feel like I'll ever let him live this down. Again, I know it's not fair but I don't care if I make the rest of his life just as miserable as he has made mine.

Anyone relate? Or felt this way at one point and it got better? I honestly hope for that, just unsure I'll ever be able to accept this crap.

He would occasionally through out our entire marriage accuse me of cheating. Even thought some porn videos he came across were me in them. I can't even make this crap up. Anyway since he has been caught it has been so bad. They are not outright accusations but he just makes these comments insinuating he thinks I'm doing something. There are times he will spend hours going through my phone while I sleep. I did put a stop to this though as he has struggled with porn on top of everything else so I told him I'm not comfortable with this as he could access it on my phone.

It might not be you who's not "reconciliation material". If he's projecting his own behavior onto you by accusations, real or implied, that you're the cheater, he's NOT sorry. He's still wriggling around looking for an excuse rather than dealing with the flaws in HIS character.

You can only control you, and naturally, the first thing you'll be thinking when your R isn't working is "what am I doing wrong?". While it's true that WS's don't typically start off doing everything right, there needs to be a baseline of remorse. Spying on you and watching porn after he's already proved he can't be trusted sexually are indicators that he's not at that baseline yet. Sounds to me like he needs to go back to the drawing board and try again. Empathy is just walking a mile in the other guy's shoes. When he attempts to walk that mile, he sees cheating as a probable response. His projections speak volumes about where his ethics still are. He's not able to imagine you as an honest broker because he still isn't one.

I don't think you have to make any assumptions yet about your own abilities or future tolerance. Your WH still isn't up to snuff.

He hasn't accused me in a long time, he says he doesn't think I have ever cheated. He is now just afraid that I will after what he has done so he gets in his head and hasn't learned to control himself. It's the loss of control I can't tolerate. The fact that I know where he is in his head because I usually tell when his head goes there annoys me.

He is doing all the things I have asked.

It's not doing what you have asked; it's doing what you haven't asked to better himself that is probably helping you stay stuck. Because from what you have described, I agree with CT--he isn't good reconcilable material at this point. He may or may not ever get there; all you have is what he has shown(and not shown) you.

Anyway I'm beginning to think I'm not reconciliation material, that may be this was a deal breaker.

This may be true, but again, I think that this is heavily driven by his true lack of effort. OK, he thinks that you may cheat because of what he has done--it's still ALL ABOUT HIM. In my opinion, No Empathy=No Reconciliation. He may say many of the right things, but it's the actions....ones that are hard to put into words....that make you feel a little bit safer---they are the ones that go a long way. Searching through your phone is not one of those examples. Making his 'needs' for being loved in the timeframe from his last Dday is not a good example either. His focus needs to change away from himself, and more towards you....and to really mean it.

Thank you both for the insite. It's hard to see certain things until someone points it out.

Just because he's not up to scratch right now, Felix, doesn't mean your situation is impossible. It just means requiring a better effort from him. Cheaters don't know what they don't know. I would say the vast majority of them are just going by their own feelings and not putting enough thought into it. What is he reading? Has he taken any initiative to figure out what went wrong and why he was able to just throw his integrity out the window like that. I do think step one is intellectual curiosity, right? If he's not wondering how he came to such a low point in his life, how will he remediate his poor character?

He does a weekly men's group, and he sees a CSAT weekly. It's confusing because it seems like he's not wanting to figure out, he tells me things like he hates how his counselor and other things he listens to talk about FOO issues. He says he doesn't like that and feels like it's blaming and is an excuse. He doesn't understand when I tell him it's just trying to help him understand why he developed the poor coping mechanisms that he has, along with his poor self-esteem and his codependency issues. I don't quite understand what to make of that, his reasoning on it just being an excuse. No matter how many times I tell him it's not an excuse that it's just showing him why he turned out the way he did and how he can fix those issues to make better choices moving forward.

Maybe just agree with him that there's no excuse good enough for tossing one's integrity away like that and that his true core values could not have been what he believed they were. His core value of fidelity had a "but..." in it, an out clause. "He believes in Fidelity, but... not if (fill in the blank here)." His goal needs to be to figure out what was in that out clause, how it got there, why he was okay with it, etc. The FOO issues are important because they inform the "how it got there" piece.

He's an insecure guy who obviously believes that cheating can be a legitimate response in some cases, like how he appears to believe that you're looking for an RA. You didn't cause those beliefs. They were pre-programmed, and maybe neither of you were aware of it, but when push came to shove the fact that his values system was insufficient is undeniable. The proof is in the cheating. HOW did that values system fail? You're not looking to excuse his cheating. You're asking him to explain how HE was able to excuse his cheating.

My reco is to suggest to him that he ask his CSAT to work on what he needs to do to change from betrayer to good partner.

IMO, understanding why he's SA (assuming that's his problem, which it may not be) is useful only in the context of changing into a good partner.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's totally unfair. If you choose to leave, you can do so honorably, but something made you want to stay. What was it? Is it still enough?

Thank you, chamomile tea.

Sisoon, My reason for staying this long is the kids. That's good enough reason for me. I hope in the meantime while well staying for the kids. He would eventually win me back over. That is still my hope. My biggest struggle though is being able to accept the fact that he had sex with someone else. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to accept that. I want to, I want this to work out but I just don't see how it can.