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EDIT: Taken care of, thank you

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 12:40 PM, Monday, November 7th]

You want to test him? Here is a very simple approach.

Innocently one day ask him to borrow his phone. Tell him your phone died. You need to make a call or something.

If he refuses to hand it over immediately — you have a reason to be concerned.

If he asks why ? 🚩

If he says give me a minute and leaves the room with the phone - 🚩

If he tries to stall or sidestep the simple request - 🚩

Then you know he’s hiding something or acting shady.

The fact he takes it with him even to the bathroom - meaning he won’t leave his phone unattended - is suspicious and cause for concern.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:29 AM, Monday, November 7th]

Thank you, I'll give it a try.

What do you mean by - If he says give me and leaves the room with the phone - ?

How come you cant sign back on? Do you not have the passwords? You have every right to snoop and look around after what he did. It does not matter how much time has passed or whether you have learnt to trust him again. Even if he did switch the laptop off you should be able to switch that laptop back on and go into the app freely. Im over 5 years out and I still snoop. I dont do it because I think he may be having an Affair. I do it coz i should be able to do it. He lost the right to having secret passwords and apps when he had the A. If he wants this marriage to work then he must adhere to given full transparency. If he doesnt then hes definitely hiding something.

I would try and get into that app without him knowing. Do not ask him why he has logged out. He will end up deleting everything and then give you the password or log back in. By then he would have fooled you again. I agree about the phone. Ask to borrow it. deliberately have your phone die of battery charge and then ask to borrow his phone. If he refuses then maybe he is hiding something.

Always trust your gut. I wish I did when it happened. Then i wouldnt have been so blindsided and I would have dealt with it alot better than i did. Prepare for the worst. Dont let him fool you again. Good luck.

I appreciate the advice

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 4:06 PM, Thursday, November 17th]

I wouldn't approach a conversation from an "I have a right to snoop" perspective.

I would approach it from a "since you [the formerly wayward spouse] want to be completely transparent in order to continue to inspire trust" perspective.

Openness builds trust.

I corrected it to read - if he says give me a minute (left out a minute) — sorry

Just b/c he gives you PW to the known apps — doesn’t mean he has other accounts that he may be keeping from you.

Listen, if they want to cheat they will. And they will find a way to do it. All the PW in the world ain’t stop people from cheating.

FWIW my H had (or thought he had) a secret email
Account. Then they only used Skype to chat after he realized I could see the phone bill with a log of calls and texts.

Here for a slightly different perspective, I cannot tell you the number of times I thought I was logged into an App only to find that when an update was pushed, it required me to log back in and do my two factor authentication. So, while this is slightly different, there could be a completely benign reason that the account was signed out.

I have a slightly different perspective. Healing myself and healing the marriage doesn’t mean ignoring the historic scar infidelity left behind.

I made it clear to WH that our marriage dynamics, if we survive this, will change. I made it clear we will not go back to "normal" in many areas. I won’t believe everything he says 100% again (like I did when I got an out of office from his work email whilst he was with his AP and when I asked him why, as I thought he was at work, he said he was in meetings all day and I believed it) so he needs to face reality, there will be moments when I will check information if I feel the need to.

WH accepted all this, it is the cost of his poor decision making.

In your shoes I would have texted him whilst he was away and would have asked for the password for the app. If he would have refused to give it to you or return home to log on it for you, you would have had your answer.

We are 5 years out. I don’t always actively check any information but I do retain the right to do so. And if I’ll ever feel I need to, I don’t plan to tiptoe around his feelings, I’ll ask outright.

I don’t think ignoring our history is the ultimate goal of healing and reconciliation. I don’t think "pretending" to trust is a goal. I think authenticity and the way we are still able to say "I’m not comfortable with that can you provide some reassurance" and doing so with empathy on both sides is what R is about.

I would ask him to hand over the phone by surprise and if the app is signed out I’d ask for the password. If he refuses (or asks you to give him the phone back to log in) you have your answer.

Thank you all again I checked again this morning and it was signed in as per usual, and there was nothing out of the ordinary going on. I feel a lot better. I believe it was just a fluke

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 12:39 PM, Monday, November 7th]

WonderingGhost

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