I posted this in response to a post I made on JFO, but I'm wondering specifically for reconciliation. My WH's cNPD therapist "prescribed" him meditation, exercise 3x a week and CBT writing ("No look of lust or other woman is worth losing my wife", "I will not be hurt by telling the truth" "Lies hurt my wife more than truth" etc.) He says this will retrain his brain and him to follow through and create a new "operating system"
I started going down the rabbit hole of thoughts and wondered, is this going to be effective? Then I started thinking, I don't even know what kind of cheater I have, and is he even capable of being monogamous? Here's a "quick" 
backstory for reference.
I was the only person he had been with prior to engagement, I was concerned that he would want to be with someone else and asked him about that the moment of proposal. He insisted no, he didn't want do need that. Truth is, he did, but didn't want to tell me. He ended up cheating with her to have another experience before marriage and it uncovered a shitstorm of issues that no one knew he had.
Fantasy/Delusion - "A real man has more than just one woman. So I should too and I'm going to just grab any girl off the street and be in control of her, she'll do whatever I want, when I say. And the sex will be amazing! I'm gonna blow her mind and she'll be begging for me!"
The reality - he had no confidence or self-esteem so he never could muster up the courage to just ask someone. He instead chose to manipulate the AP by love-bombing to get her to like him before he was even comfortable trying for sex, plus he had insecurities about his size and believed that getting her to like him first, would soften the blow of potential disappointment in his size and performance. Only thing is, he ended up "falling in love" when she began to reject him. 
So when they did finally have sex - after 2 failed attempts because he was so anxious he couldn't get it up - she ridiculed him because he had trouble maintaining the erection, he's not as large as she was used to and it was quick. She lost interest and didn't want to have sex with him anymore after day one but gave in 2 more times until she finally decided it wasn't worth it to her. He says he kept trying even after the first 2 times when it didn't work right because he was trying to prove to himself, that nothing was wrong with him. His fear of inadequacy/inferiority kicked in and he felt he had to redeem himself.
Obsessive traits - called her 92 times in a few weeks, and was constantly trying to get her attention which she rarely gave, because remember, she was no longer interested and it was never truly about him anyway. Her boyfriend kept cheating on her with girls from my race and she wanted to get validation that nothing was wrong with her...she actually made comments about girls from my race that indicated her mindset and intentions but WH says he never picked up on the meaning behind any of it and he feels SUPER stupid and embarrassed for that now.
Desperate need for attention and validation - "I mentioned before that I like hair up, so if she wears her hair up, she likes me". "That woman commented on my eyes... That woman looked at me twice yeah, they want me."
Impulsive behavior - "This girl just flirted, maybe I can have sex with her!" This was a different girl from the OW. He did make an effort to reach out to her to see if he could in 2008 right before our baby was born and even though she was enjoying flirting with him, she turned him down because he was married.
"Oh my goodness, it's an overnight shift, I'm at work and I was never expecting you to be at work, but we're here, so you wanna have sex in this bathroom!?" She said no though and that was what made him realize sex wasn't going to happen anymore because he wasn't willing to have sex outside of work because his paranoia kicked in full speed that anything outside of work, he was destined to be caught and he didn't want to risk that, so they had sex 3 times within 2 months in the beginning from 12/06 - 2/07, but for the other 3 years on and off, it turned into little quick pecks, hugs and quick feels, fantasy notes at work full of easily verifiable lies, to which she rarely responded. It was all in his mind that she liked him.
Compulsive behavior - "Okay I'm not in control of her because she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, so what do I have control of? And where won't I be rejected? PORN! So I can create my fantasy affair with her in porn and I'm winning. Only now, I can't stop winning and this thing is actually winning over me..and it has been 16 years! Damn it's been 16 years?!?!"
Mommy Issues - The OW looks just like his mom did when he was a child and mom was neglectful, hot/cold, and rejecting towards him, just like the OW. He clung onto her tighter, desperate for her love and attention when he felt she was moving away from him. His feelings of fear, anxiety, desperation and excitement when she would drop a breadcrumb (which he identified as "love") intensified. He then began to manipulate the OW for survival because he believed that if he loved her more she wouldn't reject him. Only she still did, just like mom did.
He says after the A with her ended, he looked back and realized how stupid and pointless it was and never wanted to do it again and never wanted any other woman. He felt he had experienced someone else, and none of it was worth it so he didn't want to have any OW. He said he got the appropriate "high" feelings from being known as a devoted husband and father. But porn had always been a part of his life since he was 9/10 years old and he didn't realize it was a problem, he told himself all men do it and hide it.
So never mind the fact that he had been watching people that looked like her to "get the anxiety, arousal, sneaking feelings of the A" he just kept porn because it had always been there. And he didn't realize that he may have replaced an actual A, with a "porn A" since he was still chasing and getting similar feelings and it looked like her.
He truly believed he was faithful and committed after the A ended in 2010 because to him, porn wasn't cheating, even though I told him it hurt me aNd I didn't want him doing it. He agreed he also didnt want to be doing it, yet didn't see or admit it was an addiction so he never did stop. He couldn't stop on his own unless it blew up and the addiction was uncovered. He now sees that he had been "white-knuckling" it for a decade and what was once a daily or weekly pleasurable "habit" for a decade or so, turned into an addiction, (to her?) in porn, that he didn't necessarily want but couldn't stop. He wanted and tried to stop viewing her and real people, but couldn't stop porn in general, so he moved into watching cartoon porn with the justification that it wasn't real people, so it wasn't as bad. 
So LONG story short. Now that all this has been uncovered, here is the work he has been doing:
1. Realized, admitted, and understand all his thoughts, behaviors etc are serious problems and that he is a very broken person - MAJOR since nothing has ever been his fault, he was perfect.
2. Been doing introspection which breaks him down to see all the disgusting parts of himself that he tried to hide from himself and others and used porn to numb out from.
3. Confessed to everyone what he did - HUGE since his squeaky clean image and nice guy persona were his lifeblood. Actually being a committed husband, father, and honest man with integrity, etc are now more important than just being known for those things.
4. SA/LA calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and has a sponsor. He is on step 4.
5. Gotten into and stayed in therapy - HUGE again because remember, he was perfect so whenever I asked for therapy throughout the marriage, the first time he went twice and then stopped, and then eventually he would just tell me "no."
6. Has 2 therapists and sees one of them twice a week and the other for covert narcissism once a week so 2-3 times a week he's in therapy.
7. Completed two Affair Recovery programs, read and listened to several books, podcasts etc.
8. Ended defensiveness and working on identifying DENIAL (Don't, Even No, I, Am, Lying)
9. Taken on the burden of vigilance (proactivity, planning for triggers, etc) so I don't have to.
10. Made a list of all the people who knew of, or suspected his infidelity to contact them and confess his wrongs and try to restore my and our marriage's honor. - BIG because he is willing to make himself vulnerable, humble himself and go back and own his wrongs to old coworkers and admit that he wasn't the morally good and loyal, faithful husband and father he pretended to be. He is willing to crush his false reputation, which he says was where he found his worth and identity.
11. Been sober from porn and masturbation for almost one year, the longest he's ever gone without it since he was 9/10 years old.
12. Complete transparency including the ending of all social media except for our business page, filters installed on his phone, etc.
Please tell me, do you think this is a sincere effort? Is he doing enough? Would this work satisfy you? I wonder if progress was slow because he still TT'd for 4 months, then was in deep DENIAL for another 4 months. Since August is when I've started to actually see progress. I think maybe it's been slow because there were still barriers to progress.
Also, what kind of cheater does this sound like? He had one LTA 2006-2010, that began with the intention of sex to have another experience before marriage and it quickly got out of control. He also tried to have sex with someone else in 2008, then stopped in 2010 and never desired to be with another OW, but continued in porn that looked like the OW.
The lies make me want to run because how can I ever trust again? But I also see he's been terribly broken since I met him and he is doing some work, which he was NEVER willing to do before. Any insight?
[This message edited by IndigoSkye at 5:12 PM, Wednesday, November 2nd]
