SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How long ago was DDay?

If it is quite recent, then what you are doing is 'white knuckling'. Forcing yourself to R when you are not really ready.

She has shown remorse to a level I didn't think a cheater would. She has done everything to assure me it will never happen again

What has she done to show remorse?

She has offered to have a 3some if I thought it would help.

Ask her who the other two women are. If she says she would be one of them, then it means that she wants to be there to control the 'entanglement' (Please note, I see that you have rejected the offer, and rightly so.), so the offer was not as altruistic as it seems, and she is still thinking like a wayward.

If DDay is relatively recent (lets say a year), you have a loooong way to go in terms of healing. You are right to focus on yourself, and to help, an IC would be helpful to guide you. MC is of no use, as you do not really have a fully functional M at he moment. On the surface it seems to function like a normal M, but in reality, there are too many issues that need to be solved first before you can attain that state.

Your relationship is fractured, and what you seem to be trying to do is to fix it with forcing yourself to accept/behave 'normal' when you are still broken. Make sure that both you and your WS fix yourselves first, before considering R or D.

Edited typo.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 6:21 AM, Thursday, August 18th]

It's pretty normal for a BH to feel a lot of anger around the 1-year mark.

By the way, did you do anything to acknowledge "anti-versary" dates? The first date they kissed. The first date they fucked. The date you found out. It's healing to be mindful of those dates, even if you don't do anything to formally acknowledge them.

In general terms, the arc of emotions that a BH experiences goes through several phases. Of course individual circumstances vary and details matter, but what we see a lot:

A. Dday-end of first year: "The Rollercoaster". Your emotions vacillate wildly from "I love this woman and dammit I'll go through Hell and high water to keep her" to "I hate this Jezebel" to "I want to be dead" to "I can't do this, I need a divorce", then back again.

B. Some time around the end of year 1, the anger sets in. It's good to be angry. Normal. It's unhealthy to bottle it up. Short of physical and gratuitous emotional abuse, you should let her see your anger. Radical honesty from both the WW and the BH is really the only path to healing a marriage, if there is a path. Like I said, the default path is divorce.

In your case, I think the flames of your anger are being fanned by your lurking awareness that your WW is not owning her shit. This false narrative she's selling ("I felt neglected/unwanted, I thought you were cheating") is a load of BS. She knows it, you know it, but for now what I'm hearing from you is that she has been getting away with it. It feels to me like your R will be stalled if she doesn't take ownership of the fact that she sought this out because she wanted a man other than you inside of her, and that it would likely still be going on had she not been caught. It's her lack of honesty about this that is irking you.

Also the way she is forcing you to bear this alone. At least some in your inner circle should know. The truth is the truth. Essentially you're living a masquerade in public at this point.

C. At some point, around the end of year 3 for a lot of BH's, you reach what is referred to as the "Plain of Lethal Flatness". That's the realization that, no matter what you do, if you remain married, what you have is the best you'll get, forever. The rest of your life stretches out before you like standing at the edge of a great plain. What you see is a reality that, every day for the rest of your life, her A and her AP will be present in your consciousness at some level. An unwelcome and unwanted companion that your WW brought into the marriage. The shit sandwich.

It might help you to explore this web site for threads discussing the distinction between regret and remorse. I find that a lot of newcomers here don't fully grok this distinction. Regret is her feeling bad about the fallout from what she has done. She was caught. You see her as a cheater. The OBW sees her as a whore or such. The AP just wanted some free pussy and now your WW realizes that's pretty much all she meant to him. She wishes that she wasn't in a circumstance where her husband was angry at her all the time and she could feel good about herself.

I would urge you, by the way, to be mindful of your KISA tendencies. It's common for BH's to want to fix things for our wives, even including their bad feelings arising from the very circumstances they created by cheating. It's a certain cognitive dissonance that BH's tend to wallow in.

But I digress. In contrast to regret, remorse is grounded in empathy. It is a sense of truly understanding your trauma, your sexual humiliation and emasculation, and taking proactive steps to help you heal. To be honest, you have not described any actions of your WW that indicate remorse, but of course we can only respond here based on info you provide, and I realize there is probably a lot of water under the bridge that you've not discussed here.

However, one of the hallmarks of remorse is an eager willingness by the WW to discuss every detail of the A, right down to the "dirty details" with blunt, locker-room honesty, whenever the BH wants to discuss them. It's normal for a BH to ask questions about this stuff over and over and over, ad nauseum. Another hallmark of remorse is where your WW learns to anticipate things that trigger you, and to be there in advance to give you comfort. Another is her injecting a lot of proactive energy into demonstrating that she truly desires you as a man. There are others. Has she really shown remorse?

I ask that, because above, you say this:

She has offered to have a 3some if I thought it would help. I feel she truly does want me to just get past it and somehow be at ease. And I think it's for the right reasons.

Nope. It's not for the "right reasons". That regret/remorse dialectic. Tons of cheaters, maybe most, respond to being caught by, among other things, suggesting a hall pass or a 3some or such. This, my friend, is an artifact of regret, not an indicator of remorse. The twisted cheater logic goes something like this: "I feel bad about myself because I cheated. I see my husband is suffering because I directed sexual energy and gave sexual pleasure to another man. Maybe if I let my husband get sexual pleasure from another woman, we'll be even somehow, he will no longer be bothered by this. The feeling like I'm a bad spouse will go away."

It's a selfish, inwardly-directed motivator. That whole concept of "get past it," it's fundamentally not an indicator of healing. In true R, the cheated spouse never "gets past it". As I said above, the A is a plus one in the marriage, forever. You don't "get past it". You might learn to live with it.

Sex with another person is fun. It's new and thrilling. But a big part of the thrill of adulterous sex is the secrecy, the illicit nature, the sense that you're being naughty and taking something you oughtn't take. A hall pass or a 3some won't provide that thrill to you as a BH. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. That's your choice. Just saying it won't make things in any way "even".

I was reminded of something you said above, about your WW initially choosing a married man specifically because she felt that would yield a lower likelihood of being caught. As you note, it also means that your WW specifically decided that she would shit on another woman's marriage, in addition to shitting on her own marriage. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever read a thread where a WW was that deliberate about this specific issue in advance of selecting her AP. In most cases, the AP presents via happenstance, somebody who is conveniently in her life already at the time she is making choices that lead to cheating. Somehow, her conscious decision to cheat in advance, and specifically to disrespect another woman (the OBW) in that way, that smacks of such a loathsome moral character.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:47 PM, Thursday, August 18th]

I can so relate.

I, my one son (I have four kids), our Pastor and his wife (both our friends) are the only people who know.

Ironic thing as it was coming to light, our friends had been watching a change in us, thinking it was covid lock down related. They thought that it was me who may have stumbled into an affair online when things came out. I can not even begin to express my hurt with them still.

I just wanted to let everyone know what a pos WH was. I still struggle with my a anger over a year and a half.

But you know what? I am glad others don't know now. I do not think I could handle the judgement in other peoples eyes. I imagine them saying things like "oh she failed him" or "wonder what was going on in their home". You know stuff like that.

It is better in a way cause if we have a board game night with others and we are all having fun there is not that uncomfy moment when someone yells CHEATER to someone playing. Or the double take if WH is speaking to a woman from our community about something and opening the door for gossip.

I at times really want people to know what he did cause I want him to feel the shame and that is my underlying anger wanting that. Reality is I am glad so few know because I am not walking on pins and needles worrying what others think. No uncomfy moments, no avenue for gossip. Above all no reason to make WH feel defeated/depressed and open that door to look for solace in a new group and stumble.

[This message edited by goalong at 12:20 PM, Friday, August 19th]

Thank you Nonna, Rocket and BFTG!
I appreciate your comments, experience and advice!

DD, so sorry you are facing this massive betrayal of you, your marriage and your family. I want to encourage you to resist minimizing, rug sweeping, and trying to move quickly into what could well he a false R.

This:

Of course she hates when I bring it up or want to talk about it but she is open to doing whatever I need to do to get past this.

Is a clear indicator to me that she has not reached true remorse. These two statements are antithetical. She needs to willingly and humbly embrace your need to discuss her traitorous betrayal anytime you need to. If she cannot reach that level of empathy, you are not in R and she is not remorseful. Period.

Listen, my old betrayal and decade worth of false R is a cautionary tale to all who try to move too quickly, minimize and rug sweep. If you think this is painful, a false R with a non remorseful spouse draws the pain out like the proverbial death by a thousand cuts, in my case over a decade. I soooo wish I had had the input youve received here, but its long past and Im in a great marriage now.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:50 PM, Friday, August 19th]

I guess I just want to know when does it end. When and how do I rid myself of all the reminders and move past the anger.

This isn’t for everyone but this is what I would do in your position. I wouldn’t like the fact that she has had no consequences whatsoever other than your personal relationship. You can’t even confide in friends. You can’t equal the score and feel better about it because it’s not who you are. Believe me I understand that.

I would get a divorce and shack up. You don’t need to tell anyone. You wouldn’t even need to get into child custody just division of assets. You could get great terms.

That way she will have paid a price, That would make me feel better and think about what she did less and less. It’s like someone committing a crime then going to jail and serving their time. Once there’re out they served their time and it’s over. Less reason to bring up want they did or think about it. Of course that did it and paid the price. Yes she had an affair but we’re divorced.

Closure: a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved.

You said you would walk if she cheated again. If you’re already divorced that puts teeth in what you say.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:02 PM, Friday, August 19th]

DT, there is some good, hard-won insight. I also appreciate the wisdom in your other thread.

This particular thread is somewhat unique in terms of the intentionality of the cheating. If I understand it, here, OP's WW first decided "I want to cheat on my husband and have sex with another man outside of my marriage", and then, after deciding that, took steps to go onto dating web sites and such to find a man. It's incredibly wicked, way moreso than the more typical "slippery slope" cheating.

In fact, it's doubly wicked because, in deciding to cheat, and in instituting the search for an AP, the WW decided to focus only on finding a married man as an AP. In other words, she decided quite intentionally (a) to cheat on her husband, and (b) to shit on another woman's marriage. All for some cake eating. Don't know if it's possible to be more of a shyte person.

Furthermore, it would still be ongoing if she hadn't been caught, and the WW has seen zero consequences.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 4:24 PM, Friday, August 19th]

The reason your wife is offering you the opportunity to fuck another woman or have a threesome is that it what she did doesn't matter that much to her.

She doesn't really care that she fucked some other guy, she just wants you to shut up about it.

If you fuck some other woman, her reply will be something along the lines of "you got yours too so leave me alone" - of course that neglects the fact that yours was with permission and hers wasn't.

QUESTION: Did you have any idea of your wife's cavalier attitude about sex/extramarital sex before she cheated on you?

Would/did you accept this part of her moral makeup?

If not, you are retroactively trying to live with someone you wouldn't have before.

This is common; breaking up is hard and painful especially for someone who is a loving faithful partner.

All I can say is it looks like you are in for a lot of pain. Your wife is not really trying to help. And even if she was it might be a lost cause. But with her attitude you are scooping water out of the ocean.

Good luck to you.

Some of her reasons, I call them excuses, is that she didn't feel wanted. She felt neglected and also thought I was having an affair.

I've come to the conclusion that infidelity is largely self-destructive. We, the betrayed, are but the collateral damage. Feeling unwanted and neglected is good start on the path to figuring out why she chose infidelity as a way to escape her own issues. However, she's going to have to dig a lot deeper. She's going to have to unlearn some untruths about herself. That takes time and effort.

I would highly suggest that you make therapy for her a condition of reconciliation. Until she's willing and able to own and fix her shit, reconciliation will not likely succeed. For most betrayed spouses, understanding, as well as humanly possible, why a WS chose infidelity as a way to deal with their own issues is important. What's more important, however, is understanding, as well as humanly possible, why a WS will never make that same choice again.

When and how do I rid myself of all the reminders and move past the anger.

The reminders, the triggers, will most likely always be there, even many years later. With time, and some effort on your part, those triggers become less and less powerful until you're eventually able to dismiss them. It's a bit of a "been there and done that" sort of thing. As you resolve each trigger, each issue, you become less inclined to allow those triggers to affect you.

There are five stages to any grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For the average betrayed spouse, these stages sort of come and go without any discernable patterns. As for anger, one of the things my therapist suggested to me was to write down everything that I was angry about and then try to figure out if that anger was warranted in each case. In other words, to process through that anger by examining the source of that anger and examining whether or not that anger could be used constructively or if it was impeding my own healing. It wasn't easy, but it was worth the effort.

Thank you everyone!
To be clear or more detailed, when I say my wife hates when I bring it up, I'm not saying she is shutting me down from talking, yelling, screaming or any of that. She hates it bc she sees the pathetic unloving scumbag she was and can't bring herself to see herself any other way now. She is self loathing to this day and will only be ok when I'm ok.
Through many of our talks, I told her that is her problem and on her for her past decisions. She totally understands that and is not looking for my sympathy. She gets it.
Some here have talked about regret vs remorse. Believe me when I tell you, she not only regrets her decisions, but is remorseful for them. I won't allow it any other way. If she wasn't, Divorce would be the easy answer for me. That being said, I understand there is work to do. She understands that as well.
No one is off the hook. But as deep as things can be psychologically, it can be just as simple too.
She did a horrendous, immoral, unforgettable disgusting thing. She knows it and wants to make amends. I will allow that and she is trying.
At this point, my issue is I'm angry because it happened. And it happened to me. The good guy.
At this point her issue is, when I'm mad and yelling and seething, I call her every name in the book which reinforces her own beliefs of herself. She hates that I see her that way but admittedly understands it.

She is self loathing to this day and will only be ok when I'm ok.

Umm... no. That's not how life works, brother. We are all responsible for our own happiness. It comes from within. People can and will bring joy and/or sorrow into our lives, but they cannot make us happy or miserable (although they will certainly try). Your WW can't make you responsible for her being ok. Aside from being one hell of responsibility, it's completely unfair, and, if you ask me, impossible.

One way or another, she's going to have to find her own peace with who she allowed herself to become. She can't do it alone. She's going to need help, preferably from a good therapist. Reading a few self-help books might help. Joining SI and laying it all on the line in the Wayward forum might also help, although I would highly caution you before sharing this site with her (keep it your "safe place" for the time being).

There's a thread pinned to the top of the Reconciliation forum entitled: "Beyond Regret and Remorse." It is one of the best threads I've ever seen posted on this site.

If you haven't yet done so, check out The Healing Library. Inside the "Articles" section, you will find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. Some of these articles will help you to better understand that what you're going through is as normal as normal gets while surviving infidelity. A wayward spouse experiencing shame spirals is just as normal. That's where the self-loathing comes from, and it's powerful.

...when I'm mad and yelling and seething, I call her every name in the book...

Been there and done that and now, looking back years later, I often wish that I hadn't. I understand, of course. I didn't choose my username to be cute or funny. I really was unhinged. At times, however, I had the presence of mind to withdraw when I felt the rage boiling to the surface. I'd leave the house, go for a walk, a bike ride, go on a seven state killing spree. Of course, there were also times that I would rip her to shreds and hardly blink an eye.

It's good to let that anger out sometimes and there's certainly no doubt that wayward spouses have earned that ire. Nevertheless, I believe it's important to channel that anger in a useful direction. For me, one of the things I did was to use that anger to focus on changing the way I reacted to the things she said or did, keeping in mind that I can choose how I react. It didn't always work, though. Still, I kept trying and got some results.

She wants to make amends. That's a good thing. I think for most betrayed spouses who offer the gift of reconciliation, a wayward making amends isn't always what they expect. The best way a WS can make amends is to own and fix their shit, live an authentic life, and strive to be the best and healthiest version of themselves. It's always a work-in-progress, for any of us who strive for the same.

ETA: I didn't really go on a seven state killing spree, nor do I recommend it.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:47 AM, Saturday, August 20th]

In my opinion, when a couple are attempting to reconcile, nothing helps more than the cheating partner putting in all the effort to find out how screwed up their character really is. If you were to look up a few former waywards threads....and responses(I would recommend members with at least a few years since joining here, and several posts), you can see how deep they dug to transform themselves.

But as deep as things can be psychologically, it can be just as simple too.
She did a horrendous, immoral, unforgettable disgusting thing.

Yes and no. They ultimately did it because they wanted to, but the real question is how did they change their morals to where they wanted this? If they don't get to theses issues, what stops them from wanting this again, if the 'right' situation arises? Let's look at your wife's original bullshit reasons, and for the sake of argument, assume them as fact:

"I felt neglected"
"I was being ignored"
"I thought that you were cheating on me"

So the solution to these is to seek out an affair? Not even try to discover, confirm, or confront her own husband about him cheating on her? But instead to 'even the score'? And not only that, but like it has already been mentioned, seek out a married person, and knowingly cheat on an innocent party? More than likely with children of their own?

Self loathing is understandable, but it is also a wayward response. Even if these reasons were real....which they are not....they are still just superficial, and scratch the surface. You can't make her dig deep---she has to want to do that on her own. Being contrite about the situation, and hating herself are part and parcel, but they are by no means getting to the root of the problem. She may never cheat again, but unless she does some real self exploring, she really isn't bettering herself.

And that will more than likely rear its head many times in the future.

To be clear or more detailed, when I say my wife hates when I bring it up, I'm not saying she is shutting me down from talking, yelling, screaming or any of that. She hates it bc she sees the pathetic unloving scumbag she was and can't bring herself to see herself any other way now. She is self loathing to this day and will only be ok when I'm ok.
Through many of our talks, I told her that is her problem and on her for her past decisions. She totally understands that and is not looking for my sympathy. She gets it.
Some here have talked about regret vs remorse. Believe me when I tell you, she not only regrets her decisions, but is remorseful for them. I won't allow it any other way. If she wasn't, Divorce would be the easy answer for me. That being said, I understand there is work to do. She understands that as well.
No one is off the hook. But as deep as things can be psychologically, it can be just as simple too.
She did a horrendous, immoral, unforgettable disgusting thing. She knows it and wants to make amends. I will allow that and she is trying.
At this point, my issue is I'm angry because it happened. And it happened to me. The good guy.
At this point her issue is, when I'm mad and yelling and seething, I call her every name in the book which reinforces her own beliefs of herself. She hates that I see her that way but admittedly understands it.

Unhinged left you a very insightful post above. I think you would be very wise to read and reread it. Overall though, your entire post (quoted above) sounds apologetic, like you feel the need to defend your decision from some people here. You don't owe an apology or an explanation for pursuing R. This is YOUR life and no one here is going to have to live with your decisions. Yours are the boots on the ground and the skin in the game. Your worth is not defined by the opinions of strangers on the internet, nor is the validity of your choice. Keep that in mind while I share the following with you...

At this point her issue is, when I'm mad and yelling and seething, I call her every name in the book which reinforces her own beliefs of herself. She hates that I see her that way but admittedly understands it.

While it's understandable that people lose their shit in response to infidelity, "understandable" is not synonymous with 'acceptable'. You're not furthering your goals when you allow that to happen. It's not conducive to R or to the general health of your relationship. You get a momentary sense of relief at having let off some built-up steam, but the rebound is that you end up feeling childish and embarrassed by your lack of control afterward. Believe me, I know. I was born with the world's worst temper. Hell, as a toddler I used to get so mad I couldn't breathe and would literally pass out in anger. Lucky for me, I had been forced to contend with that anger from an early age, so by dday, thirty-plus years into our marriage, I was able to keep abusive commentary behind my teeth. It's a herculean effort though, I know. But it IS doable and not only to you refrain from creating additional wounding, you end up feeling much better about yourself in the process.

And THAT is the key to healing. It's not what your WW does.. it's what YOU do. It's relearning to love, respect, and care for yourself. It's getting into a primary relationship with YOU and feeling good about it. It's becoming emotionally self-sufficient. That way, you can accept your WW into your life and simply enjoy the relationship without the emotional reliance you've had in the past.. or not. Either way, you're in good hands, your hands.

There's a book called, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, and in it, she does a pretty good job of explaining the workings of the brain and the influence on the body during trauma, but she also reminds us that our Fear of Abandonment, a reflex at birth, is still with us, and often it's been transferred to our primary relationship. This book is geared toward those who have split, but it was probably the most valuable thing I read after dday. Not only does explain the nuts and bolts of what's happening in our bodies, but it also offers a few tools to get started reclaiming our sense of self, which is the most critical component of healing when you think about it.

Believe me, you can spend decades looking at your cheater to fix what's gone wrong inside and it will never happen no matter how remorseful or contrite they are. That healing comes from within and it requires us to find and correct our damage so that we can emotionally embrace who we are. And yeah, I realize that sounds simplistic and even kind of new-agey, but I also know it's doable and it works.

You're going to be okay. Give it some time.... and try looking inward instead of outward. What can it hurt?

Thanks for the insight.

Yes, the anger. I'm not an angry person but it came on strong after the sadness and shock wore off. It's a feeling of unfairness and being lied to and treated less than. You feel used and bruised. There's no way to wind back the clock.

Anger is a useful tool. It shows us where to make changes in our lives. To clear the anger is to examine your feelings again and again. Is she really sorry? Is she trying to be a better person? Does she want to help grow your bond? Do you feel that she really wants you now? How are you both going to support each other now so that neither feels neglected or less than? These things will soothe you.
Then you can see the sadness and pain behind the anger.

Lashing out won't bring you closer. It only divides. I know it's not fair. You got the trauma and pain to live with. I know it hurts more than anything. It does. It cuts right to who we are. How we feel about ourselves and our futures. If you want a happy life with her you are going to have to be heroic and offer forgiveness and mercy. She's going to have to give much more. She's going to have to gain your trust and tenderness if she can. You don't have to accept anything you don't feel is genuine, but you need to offer encouragement so she tries in earnest. What good is it to be with someone who feels they aren't worth the other person's love and time. That applies to both.

What you can try is saying how hurt you are and when it hurts more or when it's easier. What brings the reminders and what could help to feel better and get new memories that are happier. The sadness comes and goes. You don't want to get to a don't care anymore, no hate, no love, no anything. That's no life. You don't want anger always waiting to burst out. That's a life of stress and unhappiness. It will never be like it was but you can see if something worthwhile can be created. Feel your pain but don't let it overcome you.

Think about your goals and work on those. Do the things that better yourself. You had this awful thing happen but it doesn't have to rule you. You choose. Your free will. What she did doesn't say anything about you. I don't want you to feel alone and neglected any more. That ends today. She has to make the effort to have a good life with you where you feel wanted. That's essential.

Pureheartkit,
Thank you for your response. I agree with you. I know it's harder said than done but you hit the nail on the head of how I'm feeling. You did it without telling me what I should do or by telling me how much my wife is the worst person. I don't know what happens from here on out but I truly thank you and everyone else for your perspectives.

i think its also important to dig deep in yourself to make sure her betrayal will be something you will ever be able to make amends with....sometimes our initial reaction is to attempt R, but sometimes your inner-self will fight you in every way possible because it knows its something it cannot ever tolerate or accept.

thats the hardest part for a BS that I dont see much spoken about, is knowing that timing when to pay attention to that inner-self, you cannot do it too soon because there are too many emotions flying around, but if you do it too late then depression sets in and things can get dark and gray,
IMHO if by the 1-2 year mark you still feel deeply repulsed by the betrayal (not necessarily sexual disgust per say) and you feel restlessness about accepting what she has done, then you might know, and discuss it with a therapist.

My therapist told me something i will never forget, she said "dont give all of yourself away in return for keeping the marriage, its no use if you are left in shambles"

am a BH, and 10 years out recovered from R....but it was a very close call for me, the thing is this is all regardless of how well she might put in her effort for you.

Hi OP. You have a great deal of anger, and when you trigger life is hard (understandable).

My advice for you is to put a plan in place to get more joy in your life, try to lessen some of the dark cloud over your head. Does that mean hanging out with your buddies more? Going fishing with your brother? Take up, dust off a hobby? Get fit? A week's vacation travelling on your own someplace you've always wanted to visit?

You may have to work at this to make it happen if you're caught up in the grind of your marital drama, and you have kids that will take some of your time.

Spend some time on you, get yourself happier, enjoying life more. Doing so should also help your life at home with your wife. Takes your angry focus off of her.

It's going to be a balancing act you're trying to connect with your wife, but I'd be selfishly spending some time on you. You can share this with your wife that you're planning on doing this and not it's not punishing her by ignoring her. She needs to understand you're going to need to work on you.

From what you've described your wife has done, reconciling your marriage would be a challenge and a long grind for any of the members here. Recognizing it's going to take a while, you being really angry for the duration is not good for your mental and physical health.