SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see activity from FWS/WS on other forums, but it is very quiet on here. Is this usual? I see new WS come and go, but there seems to be someone posting on here wanting help on a regular basis. Is it common for there to be periods of no activity?

I was wondering that too! Maybe its summer? I know I dont post here as much when times are good... who knows? 🤷‍♀️

The fact of the matter is that we have not had many long term WS members for quite some time. Many come and then go, just like you said. I have tried to figure out why.

Activity on the site, as a whole, has changed dramatically since the pandemic. I do believe that people working from home changed posting habits. I also believe there was a period of time when the general tone of the site most likely frightened newcomers and they turned away. I feel that it has changed for the better recently, however that hasn’t changed the membership count over here on the WS side.

I know that there are plenty of WS out there that could use this site for support, I just don’t know how to advertise that.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 11:30 PM, Saturday, June 25th]

Activity on the site, as a whole, has changed dramatically since the pandemic.

Very much so. Even though I am not a heavy poster, I am regularly here in the forums.

It's odd, WOES. As obvious as it may be, I didn't link it heavily to the pandemic. I simply noticed a huge difference in the activity on SI, but assumed it was morphed from whatever myriad of reasons. The pandemic makes a lot of sense.

It seemed like the new member count really slowed down from the 'normal' rate of the 5-10 years prior to the pandemic.

I guess time will tell.

woes: The fact of the matter is that we have not had many long term WS members for quite some time. Many come and then go, just like you said. I have tried to figure out why.

hi woes,

my best guess is that since this is a peer-2-peer site, and does not subscribe to a specific method or plan on how to recover from infidelity, that most wayward spouses find other websites/healing methods that better fit their needs.

i avoided this site when i was in crisis-mode because it derailed my personal healing and kept me spiraling. instead, i focused soley on MC/IC, recommended reading material, reconnecting with my H, making our marriage fun for both of us, etc.

only now, after two years of personal/marriage healing, am i able to post here-- and there are still days when i shake my head and frown at what i consider to be way wrong advice. and yes, i realize that there are likely many here that read my advice (and shake and frown in dismay at what i post).

the main thing, for me, is that i feel healthy and strong now (both as an individual and as a marriage partner), and i am confident that there is more than one "right" way to heal. and i am okay with not everyone agreeing with me.

best, sunny

My bet is that the site has been shadow banned for whatever reason and is not showing high up in search engine results for new users to find us.

I suppose the pandemic is partially responsible for the WS forum turning into a ghost town. More people are working remotely which theoretically means less opportunities to cheat.

From a darker perspective, I wonder if the WS give less of a crap than ever before. Perhaps it’s just my jaded view of society, but folks seem to be crazier than ever before. Watch the news on any given day and it really seems like folks are becoming more angry and selfish. I wonder if that somehow ties into our reduced numbers.

Or not and I can go put my tin foil hate back in the closet.

I think part of it is that you need a range of experienced voices to find the one that speaks to you. When I was still a lurker, that voice was hikingout. I read back through every post I could find of hers, because she struck what was, for me, a resonant balance between empathy for the WS and frankness about the requirements of R. She talked about her own experience in a way that both gave me hope and left me nowhere to hide, because she had been there and come out the other side.

But not every experienced WS is the right fit for every newcomer. Zugzwang was also a popular WS poster when I arrived here, but his posts were too harsh for me. Had the Wayward Forum been made up entirely of Zugzwangs, I wouldn't have lasted long enough to start posting, let alone to achieve authentic remorse. But I know there were other WS who were very grateful to Zug and credited him with exactly the harsh, cut-the-bullshit wake-up call they needed.

There were so many WS who posted frequently at the time -- followtheriver, foreverlabeled, EvolvingSoul, MrsWalloped, Barregirl, DarknessFalls, and of course, DaddyDom and WOES. With that breadth and depth of participation, I was able to take what I needed and mostly leave the rest. There was also a weary camaraderie among the WS who arrived around the same time as I did -- Flawed, JBWD, LifeDestroyer. And here again, we weren't always each other's cup of tea. Pippin and I were newbies together, and at times we would really get under each other's skin because we had very different approaches to recovery and to supporting other WS. But I also knew that there were readers who were deeply grateful to Pippin for giving them the particular brand of insight they needed, where my style of advice didn't help them get moving in the right direction.

With so few of us, there's less of that variety than there used to be. That may be part of why new WS don't seem to stick around, and then the small pool of new recruits leads to even fewer experienced leaders over time.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 3:59 AM, Friday, July 1st]

tooanalytical: My bet is that the site has been shadow banned for whatever reason and is not showing high up in search engine results for new users to find us.

yep, changing my answer to this^^.

i searched "help for infidelity" and this site did NOT pop-up in the first 2 pages of search results.

i'm not techy so i don't know how to fix this issue, or if it's even a concern for SI.

I searched on "Forums for cheaters" and this was the second site that popped up (not including the numerous ads above that). Sounds as if maybe we could use some better search engine optimization (SEO).

I also agree that between COVID and the overwhelming political climate (at least in the USA) that a lot of people are simply "not up for talking".

I tried Googling "Sites for infidelity help" and one of the top ten results went something like "The ten best app for cheating". WTF?

I suppose the pandemic is partially responsible for the WS forum turning into a ghost town.

But it isn't just the Wayward forum; it's all of the forums. In JFO or General, the entire first page of topics would be active on a daily basis. I feel bad for the Wayward forum, because just by its nature, it would have far less activity than the prior mentioned forums. Even when it was its most active, it still revolved around maybe 10 or so active members. Obviously, this is just my opinion/observation.

I'm just really surprised how 'steady' the volume of activity was for several years, and how much it has changed in the last couple.

But it isn't just the Wayward forum; it's all of the forums. In JFO or General, the entire first page of topics would be active on a daily basis

I agree with this objectively as a moderator. All forums have had much less traffic.

The reason why I feel the pandemic is a factor is that we had a large number of prolific posters (staff included) simply disappear. There have been a few that have popped back in here and there, however that drop in traffic was notable.

I do think there are plenty of other factors such as the ones mentioned here, as well. A lot of people’s priorities have changed. The world is changing.

my best guess is that since this is a peer-2-peer site, and does not subscribe to a specific method or plan on how to recover from infidelity, that most wayward spouses find other websites/healing methods that better fit their needs.

The format has not changed. Although that may be a reason why some do not subscribe, it doesn’t account for the drastic drop in activity, which again has been within the last two years.

Al I can say is that if there are lurkers out there, we welcome you. Take a leap and share your experience.

I feel that I have very little to contribute in a helpful and relevant fashion.

It’s been over 12 years since D-day. We divorced right after (his choice), then we got back together and remarried. Then we had two kids. One is disabled. Just for backstory.

Our remarriage was a huge mistake. (Bald facts.) I can’t speak to reconciliation. Neither can I speak to staying divorced. Can I speak to "surviving infidelity"? I don’t know. I can speak to having a H who rugswept….whose reason for wanting to get back together was "Eventually I just wasn’t angry about it anymore." There was no real "work" done, either on himself or the relationship/marriage.

Anyway, I don’t love him. I stay for the kids. Our oldest will need lifelong care but after our youngest is grown perhaps we can navigate shared responsibility of care for our oldest while living separately. I don’t cheat anymore. We’re just coparents who live in the same house.

I just don’t feel I have much to contribute in a constructive way.

According to my WW, if the pandemic had been here in 2017, she wouldn't have cheated.
I guess she didn't consider all the stds she was at risk of getting and giving to me, because she had unprotected sex at thar time , aren't as bad as covid.
I guess I'll never know, if covid would have detered here from cheating.

I got here a few months before the pandemic. I remember the threads were always full of activity and hard to keep up with. Things did drop off in 2020.

I agree with WOES there is a healthier tone here now. When I got here my WW was called some nasty names. I was hurting and needed support not name calling. I think that ran people away. I would never let someone get away with that IRL. On a positive, I decided back then to never call someone’s spouse a name, including liar or cheater.

My 2 cents…

I think the tone of the forum – especially the JFO forum – has been too harsh and uncompromising. I think that has been changing to the worse over the last 2-4 years.

I think that when a new poster – BS or WS – find this forum they might start reading and see all this name-calling and one-direction, single-lane call for divorce, end the marriage, file, hand him/her the papers, why are you staying with that loser…
And I think that irrespective of WS or BS it drives them away…

If every WS came here already that strong that they can take the abuse face-on, deal with it and eventually find the gold-nuggets this site offers then it would be fine.
If every BS came here already determined to divorce because their WS is eyes-deep in their affair then this would all be fine.

Unfortunately, most people come here with no clear vision or clue on their future and completely mixed up emotionally. IMHO it’s our role to guide them the best we can to some path that can lead them to a better place. That MIGHT be to tell an active WS to end the affair, deal with their marriage and decide on their future. That MIGHT be to tell a BS to accept that divorce is a perfectly fine way to end infidelity. But it’s NOT to tell the BS to stop being a pushover, a cuckold, a weakling, to grow a pair. Not is it to tell a WS that they are eternally doomed as immoral people.

As a cop I did a lot of first-responder work at trauma-sites. A key factor was offering calm and hope. Even if I was certain a person was bleeding to death I wouldn’t scream out "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" but do my best to staunch the bleeding and calm the person. His chances of survival were higher if he was thinking of his family and determined to see them again, rather than traumatized by me confirming his worst fears. I think we are too busy screaming and not busy enough calming.

We want instant results rather than accept that recovering from the trauma of infidelity takes TIME.

I do think we need firm advice! Only I don’t think we need to scream it like drill sergeants into the face of every newcomer – BS or WS. We need to get the message across, but to do that the recipient (who is here anonymously and freely) needs to want to hear it and listen. That doesn’t happen if the message is one of pessimism and hopelessness.

I think the tone of the forum – especially the JFO forum – has been too harsh and uncompromising. I think that has been changing to the worse over the last 2-4 years.

I don't remember all of the posts on my initial threads, but there were certainly a number of them that were "what are you doing? get a divorce".

In my case, I guess I didn't feel put off by it. I need bluntness as I feel that is where most productivity is found. But I can certainly see how some might feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as unhelpful negativity...

COVID and the change in people's in person and online habits.

I wonder if the change in the format of this site had an effect - a number of people that I was communicating with couldn't be bothered with figuring out where their threads of interest had gone, etc... I call it the cost of doing business - you'll always lose users with various website changes.

Also, let's not discount the effect of changing perceptions of sexuality, me-too, recession, toxic politics etc...

For my part, I intend on sticking around to offer encouragement and support where I can - both to betrayed and waywards.

[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 1:44 AM, Wednesday, July 6th]

Well, I do think as a forum it is always a challenge between getting the right balance between:

a) Getting someone to do what they need to do to get themselves out of infidelity, which is often what they DON'T want to do. Making someone aware of the urgency of the situation. And for waywards, the gravity of their choices. Getting someone to WAKE UP!

b) Checking in to see where the person is at and what they can do at the moment. Not letting our own feelings of anger/desire for revenge take over our posts. Respecting the fact that it is hard for many a husband to be seeing other men on the interwebz repeatedly denigrating his wife or their marital dynamic. Recognizing that there is a certain amount of different strokes for different folks.

In regards to b), I have seen a poster here just leave the board, sometimes saying something about he feels he needs to step away from this place for a bit. And there have been a few instances where the board was wrong. By this I mean that we told the BS that his marriage was 'definitely' over, and yet his WW finally ended up waking up at the 11th hour. (Although it should be noted that even here in these instances the BS didn't do any Pick Me Dance for his WW. He did however, welcome his WW's new efforts and even worked through a bit of backsliding--against the recommendations of many from here. And yes, who knows maybe it will even stick 10, 15, 30 years down the road too.)

So on that note, maybe our posts--the BS side especially--could express a bit more 'give' to them. I do think some of the former waywards are overall much better at giving advice that is strong enough and yet without the tone that may come across too harsh (I find @hikingout 's and @BraveSirRobin 's posts very good at getting the point across with the right tone).

I don't think this comes close to explaining why it is that traffic here has died down so much though. I'm not noticing much of a change in tone, I think it varies more thread-to-thread than it has varied year-to-year. It is what it is I guess.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:36 PM, Wednesday, July 13th]

I see it on other places I go where people talk. I think with the way things are in the world, things seem unsure,people, are stressed and scared. The future does not feel optimistic. Maybe people read the abandon ship advice and their gut tells them to not change their lives in uncertain times. When everything else is changing its natural to try and protect what's left even as damaged as it may be.

This is deeply sad for me because I believe the gift of humanity is for problem solving and growing in spirit. I hate all the wars and waste and greed. Lies are everywhere. People go about numb and powerless. They act out in silly and sometimes dangerous ways.

All we can do is help people the best we can. We can't afford to lose one more good person on this earth. I'm scared to see the amount of pain and suffering going on but if we join together, I know we can heal these wounds.