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My STBXW is now in her fourth month of living with her AP. We never really had no contact due to our son and finances. I’ve been hung up on her but have greatly cut back on communication. For a long time we would occasionally get into a text conversation about how I can’t believe she’d decide after twenty years to abruptly tell me she wants a divorce and start a new relationship. Everyone including my kids, family and friends couldn’t believe I was sad and still hung up on her. Lately I can say it hurts less and I am feeling more confident that she is being reckless. She convinced me in a way that our marriage wasn’t working as she put it. I’ve thought constantly of times I wished I was easier going and I wished I was someone that made her happy. As time passes and night after night I sleep alone and think she is with a person who I believe is using her for sex and her money, I agree with people. I knew things I liked about her and definitely saw her with rose colored glasses. I still don’t want to say I was perfect or be unfair but this has been a rough twelve months. She literally came back from a trip with a friend and told me she was glad we had twenty years together but felt it wasn’t working and wanted to end the marriage. For the next few months I became weak and tried to change her mind. She went to counseling but didn’t try. I’ve mentioned this before. She spent money and I don’t know if it’s a genuine midlife crisis but she spent all her free time camping, going to wineries, and living for herself while rarely seeing me or our son. She started dating a rough looking guy after telling me I wasn’t ambitious enough or motivated enough and she wasn’t attracted to me as well as many hurtful things. She’s still spending and even bought a tv for a room in her new house with her AP on a credit card I am paying. The point is despite all of this I kept remembering fun vacations and times we had and wished so badly she’d see I was a guy who loved her and she liked being around. She herself still called me a best friend as she secretly dated this guy and lied about it. I really feel I’m done missing her. I’ve heard this statement from her for almost a year she wanted out but my process was delayed due to us spending time together and her denying her affair until right before Christmas. The admission of the boyfriend and moving in together in January were devastating to me. She filed for divorce in September and I have no idea how long she’d been seeing the AP or even if he directly caused the divorce. She was telling me she was unhappy but maybe already knew him. He definitely sped up the process and I feel made marriage counseling a waste of time because she was into him and maybe having the affair for several months. I’m kind of venting but after all of this I’m feeling like I was a guy who cares and told her whatever problems she had with me I’d love to work on. She refused to work or let me try to help her be happy. I’m done wishing and missing our old life. She didn’t value it as much as I did obviously. That’s unfortunate but I don’t want to turn it inward and feel bad or inadequate anymore. I wouldn’t reduce her to a list of her flaws as she did to me both in therapy and even wrote in an email to my mom. I feel she didn’t give me a fair chance given our history but I won’t cry or be emotionally wrecked anymore. She’s spending beyond her means and thinks this creepy guy will fix whatever is missing in her life. I am happy living with our son and accept as a guy in my forties that life can be work and not always fun. I think she feels she missed out and this "bad boy" covered in tattoos, who left five kids from two divorces across the country is who will make her happy and fill her void in her life. I think it’s bound to fail but I am adjusting to not being so concerned. The tattoos aren’t the problem. I have one but it’s ironic that she pointed out my ambition and job when this guy is a gamer who doesn’t have a great job and sounds like a deadbeat dad. I was jealous he was with her. She has gone down a path I don’t agree with. She’s running up lots of debt and doesn’t care that our son is depressed and our college aged son won’t speak to her currently. She’s not who I loved. She seems to want to relive her twenties and even has worn her shirts of her college and put a big sticker of her college mascot on her car. I like my old college too but I feel she has this desire to feel less like a middle aged mom of two boys and a wife and more like a woman who this guy probably treats like she’s hot and young and she probably loves it. Sex with me was a chore by her admission but it seems with him it’s exciting and fun. I said way too much but the point is I am comfortable that I’m a good dad and did love my wife but couldn’t keep her from leaving me and I’m comfortable that she feels this is right and I don’t, but it’s beyond my control and I am ready to not only accept it but let her go and end our friendship outside of speaking of kids and bills.

She seems to want to relive her twenties and even has worn her shirts of her college.

Delusion at its finest. Likely your former wife is narcissistic. Everybody gets old. She will become a joke quickly enough. Look into covert narcissistic behavior. See how closely she matches.

I think she feels she missed out and this "bad boy" covered in tattoos, who left five kids from two divorces across the country is who will make her happy and fill her void in her life.

The void will still be there when he tires of her and leaves her too. She will never fill it. She will attempt to chase the next shiny new toy.

She’s running up lots of debt and doesn’t care that our son is depressed and our college aged son won’t speak to her currently.

So long as her debt does not become your debt sit back and wait for it to crush her. She will care quick enough when the fantasy ends. Do nothing to push either of the boys to maintain any contact with her unless you want to damage your relationship with them. This is an excellent learning opportunity for them. Be their rock. If either of them consider marriage down the road they will think twice before making that error. What your wife has done is far too common to avoid.

Sex with me was a chore by her admission but it seems with him it’s exciting and fun.

When she is abandoned by him and left with her mounting debt you can bet she will remember how sex was fun with you. A discarded and aged town bicycle with crushing debt is only ever used and discarded again. No one will keep her past a single evening. She will try to make her way back to you.

I am ready to not only accept it but let her go and end our friendship outside of speaking of kids and bills.

This is the correct path. Restrict topics and avenues of communication. You have already chosen your topics. Communicate only by email and txt. Voice calls go to voice mail unless it is an emergency concerning one of your kids which seems unlikely. Were I in your place I would only discuss any bills with her and make no mention of the boys. They are only possessions to her. Anything and everything else goes unanswered.

Once your divorce completes no contact completely.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 9:17 AM, Saturday, April 23rd]

You're a good husband who was betrayed by a bad wife. After the divorce, check the new women you date carefully for red flags. Get in-depth premarital counseling before marrying again. I'm sure you will marry again because you sound like a caring, loving guy, and there are plenty of women out there who want that, and marriage is obviously the kind of relationship you want. Don't fall into the trap of being too afraid to ever commit to someone else. There are plenty of good women out there. You just have to be careful about who you select. Focus on her character, not just her looks or sparkly personality.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:46 PM, Saturday, April 23rd]

Affairs cause people to become someone you no longer recognize.

She’s using you as her bank account. Please stop allowing that.

Be prepared for the day she comes crawling back. When the $ runs out Mr Not So Wonderful BF will move on.

I’d be wary about taking her back. Very wary.

Cut the money off. (Legally). She doesn’t get to spend your money on her new life. Cancel credit cards, get legal separation in place ASAP.
Keep working on NC and/or gray rock when you do have to communicate.

She’s a train wreck, but she chose her path. Now your job is to protect you, your future, and your kids.
Emotionally, physically, and financially. Totally sucks and not what you want, but is really what needs to be a priority right now.

Hang in there… you are making steps in the right direction and you are going to be fine.

Thanks everyone for your advice. We are in the process of figuring out money and everything. I am definitely going to make sure her lifestyle doesn’t unfairly financially ruin me or my sons. I wrote previously about feeling she has narcissistic qualities and I don’t want to assume for sure but I was reading earlier today again about covert narcissism and wow! I can really see her in many ways. Maybe it’s because I communicate and interact so differently from her. I dwell and self reflect to a fault and regret things I said at a party or think of things I said years before that I wish I didn’t. I still think a lot of the marriage and stupid arguments I definitely was insensitive in. I don’t have a sense of entitlement and should work on my confidence. I see her as ambitious but kind of fake and shallow in her relationships and seems to surround herself with people who feed her ego. I know her well enough to know she is insecure underneath her outgoing personality. She for sure dominates every conversation and I’m passive so it was weird when we were out with friends, often friends I was closer with and I’d be kind of quiet and she’d be talking nonstop. It bothered some of my friends. I won’t get back into narcissism as I already talked about it in another thread but I can say for sure the way I interact with people differs greatly from the way she does. I will try to not say that in a blaming way. Maybe that’s part of why she lost interest. We are different. From my end it feels like she took advantage of me letting her make decisions and sort of call the shots but she probably sees it another way. She brings out such a range of emotions in me. I’m angry she lied and cheated. I hate how irresponsible and self centered she is acting. I do feel lonely and miss her voice and things we’d laugh about and stuff. I just need to harden myself a bit and push good feelings out. I really hope I don’t have trust issues in my next relationship but I really think I will. Trusting will be hard after this. Thanks again everyone. Really, people here are so thoughtful and I’m sure would be fun to hang out with. It’s too bad everyone has in common that we have gone through this crummy experience.

Hey LH.

I can totally relate. My WW never really had any close friends. That always concerned me. Besides her AP who is 16 years older than her, in the 15 years we have been married there were two other older dudes she became relatively close with through work. They both were in committed relationships so nothing ever happened. What bothers me is that going back 15+ years, she confided in these men feelings hat she did not share with me.

All three of these guys, as you’ve said, stroked her ego and told her how wonderful she was. I have always been complimentary to her on her work ethic, her success, her looks…

I remember 3-4 years ago and I was trying to get frisky with her she said something like "I’m not just tits and ass!" Then last year, post-mommy makeover, as she is meeting her AP for her 3-4 hour hot yoga and tea sessions wearing nothing more than a sports bra and yoga pants she says something like "I’ve worked hard on my body and I’m proud of how I look".

All last year on our family vacations she had to be photographed in her bikini in front of a waterfall.

So ya, covert narcissist. I think part of why she is so done with me, and potentially your WW too, is that we are authentic and genuine, and we see through their facade of fabricated perfection. It’s sad really.

To your last statement, I’m in East Sac and I see you’re in Santa Rosa. Maybe sometime we could meet for a beer at Bear republic or lagunitas in Petaluma. There’s a guitar shop next to the Mystic I like to go to.

Thank you Flaco. We should totally get a beer. That would be great. The focusing on looks thing I relate to. It’s weird. She hadn’t yet moved out last year but I know she was cheating. I was doing our laundry and found a few pairs of lacy sexy underwear. She always wore old boring granny panties with me. I asked her about it at the time and she said she needed new underwear and denied them being sexy. When I see her now she has her nails done and her makeup done. It’s annoying that she now with this guy, carries herself like this sexy woman and with me just kind of day to day dressed normal to boring unless going to an event or winery where she wanted to impress superficial friends. I relate to you there. Let’s meet up sometime.

I have a couple of other thoughts Flaco. Regarding your WW confiding in friends and saying things she didn’t share with you, my STBX would say we weren’t emotionally connected. Usually she’d say it as a reason not to have sex. Ironically my son who isn’t speaking to her tells me she didn’t ever have genuine conversations with him growing up. He told her he doesn’t feel emotionally connected to her. I assume she feels connected to the AP. It’s funny how people decide what to share and blame others. It was my fault somehow she didn’t feel connected. She would also say similar things to what you said that I essentially saw her as a piece of meat or something. That’s totally not true. Her total lack of interest in sex made my normal interest seem extreme. I liked her for the right reasons. It all kind of seems like a way people shift blame from themselves. Telling you she is more than "tits and ass" obviously isn’t how you viewed her. I don’t like that kind of statement. It is meant to make you feel bad for desiring your spouse. Mine did the same.

A brief note about how to get rid of those "good feelings" that crop up from time to time. This is what I did and it worked for me (and for others I've recommended it to).

Write down, on a piece of paper with a pen, a list of the lies she's told and the bad qualities that she has, something like this:

* She had an affair.
* She lied, not once, but hundreds of times about her affair.
* She walked out and moved in with him while we're still married.
* She is vain and shallow.
* She doesn't open up about her feelings.
* She doesn't really have emotional connections with people.
* She values herself above all others, hurting them to get her way.
* She is selfish.
* She spends money that she doesn't earn.
* She ... (you get the idea)

Now, consider that she's a new woman you're thinking of dating, but you have this magic list. Would you date her? Would you date and marry her?

Also, consider that she's a woman a friend is thinking of dating. You have the magic list. What would you advise a friend to do? Are the answer to this question and the one(s) above the same? If not, why not?

Finally, and the biggest thing - when you have these "passing thoughts" of missing her - pull out the list and read a few items at random.

In about a month or less you'll feel pretty indifferent to her, indifferent to her feelings, and you're apt to be a bit mad over the way she's treated you.

Try it!

Thank you Devotedman. I like that. I will try it. Part of it is that I live in a town where I moved for her job promotion and as my username suggests I actually am lonely here. I have some friends but she was by far my closest friend as well as my wife. Now that she is gone I spend lots of time alone and drink too much beer dwelling on her. It’s unhealthy and I have a son to set an example for. I miss things from long ago but the person I cared about either is gone or actually never was who I thought she was. Either way it’s time I move on. It’s easier said than done for me. I like this tip though. Thanks again!

Another free tip that I did. Exercise gets those feel-good chemicals released in the brain. Similar effect to those feel-good chemicals released when we're with our loved ones, and by physical contact.

Next time you feel bad, drop and give yourself 10 pushups. Next hour, when the feeling hits again, do sit-ups or crunches. Trade off.

I was up to 200 each per day for a while. After my feel-goods started coming from inside instead of from exercise I slacked off... but it works! Takes some persistence, though.

Great advice DM. As soon as I knew something was up with her I started an exercise routine.

Additionally, I kept a lot of the detective data from her affair to remind me of what she is capable of. She tries so hard to project perfection so it helps to remind myself. It doesn’t hurt like it did. It makes me mad again. Pictures of them leaving their workout meetings together, text messages, even audio of "I love you baby" exchanged.

LH. The similarities here are chilling. We moved from Fresno to Sac for her career 7 years ago and it took a long time to make friends. Where did you move from?

I can relate to the drinking too much beer thing as well. NA beer helped me a little there. I quit when I found out about her affair but when I realized it wasn’t my fault (as she implied) and that nothing was going to change the way she sees me or encourage her to reconcile I decided a beer with a friend is good therapy.

It’s never easy but it sounds like you have your boys’ best interests at heart. That’s the important thing. Try to look to the future. If you PM me I can give you my number and we can talk and text. If you haven’t gotten an IC yet I encourage that too. Most med plans now allow for unlimited mental health visits and it’s worth it.

Hang in there. Now I just have to get my sh!t together and start filling out my preliminary disclosures.

[This message edited by Flaco at 3:05 PM, Monday, April 25th]

Thanks Devotedman. I do need to work out more. I used to run regularly but haven’t in a while. A few people have suggested I join a gym to feel better physically. Thanks Flaco. I’m originally from Arizona but lived in Southern California with my ex before moving here. Yeah. I will send my number. It funny you mentioned The Mystic Theater in Petaluma. I was there two weekends ago to see a band. Actually I was just trying to private message you my number and your profile didn’t allow it. I can reply if you send me one. Have a good day.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 3:20 PM, Monday, April 25th]

It used to be that the ability to send PMs opened up at 51 posts. Which neither of you have.

Thanks Devoted. I guess I need to post more. Ha.

What show? I’ve always wanted to see a show there.

It was just a cover band some friends wanted to see called Wonder Bread 5. They played 80’s and 90’s covers. It was fun but not a band I follow really.

Somebody just hit the magic number!

Ha! You were right about it. Thanks!