SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I've been divorced almost two years now (April 1 will be two years)... and I have been through quite a rollercoaster over these past two years. But was very strong for the last year, very strong and very stable. Towards the end of last year my ex made it clear that she would do anything to get back together with me as I was 'the perfect husband'. I said to her 'you need to work on yourself, maybe in a year when you are stable we can meet again as equals and see how it goes from there'. Anyway I don't think she understood what I meant and wanted to get back together right away.

I didn't speak to her for about a week and in that time she found a new boyfriend. I have stayed away completely and given her space to do her thing.

My problem now is that I have had a complete backstep in my emotions and am not strong anymore.

Is this normal ? to have a backstep after 2 years or is it because I let her back into my head ?

she would do anything to get back together with me as I was 'the perfect husband'...I didn't speak to her for about a week and in that time she found a new boyfriend.

First, I am not laughing AT you, but I am laughing WITH you at her ridiculousness. She wants you back SO MUCH, SO MUCH, SO MUCH...that she...went and immediately got a new boyfriend after you indicated she'd need to work on herself.

That's how much having a relationship with you means to her. It's so important that even a whiff of effort on her part sends her immediately running in the opposite direction.

She just messed with your head and pushed your buttons. She knows how to do that. She's gonna keep trying to do it, because when you entertain it as a serious conversation, it gives her a validation boost. "He wants me back! Work on myself...nope, NEW BOYFRIEND YAYYYYYY!!!"

From one BS to another, I'm so sorry. Cheating is bad enough, but they slather layers of emotional cruelty on top of it. Abuse on top of abuse.

She just messed with your head and pushed your buttons. She knows how to do that. She's gonna keep trying to do it, because when you entertain it as a serious conversation, it gives her a validation boost. "He wants me back! Work on myself...nope, NEW BOYFRIEND YAYYYYYY!!!"

Thanks TheWorldYouWant, you are right... I guess I needed to see it in black and white. She certainly knows how to push my buttons.

I read somewhere... "for some people you need to say goodbye a thousand times"... and that is what it feels like. Man, this sucks.

I read somewhere... "for some people you need to say goodbye a thousand times"...

... and in the case of your XWW, you should only say goodbye once, and then block her.

Looking at this for the blessing it is.

She showed you her words do not match her actions.

She’s not willing to change herself or address issues. Sooooo in the long run you would have been faced with the same spouse had you reconciled.

Dodged that bullet. Whew!

Your XWW is one of those exceptional people who think that working on themselves is synonymous with getting into someone else's pants. Now you know that she hasn't changed one bit since DDay.

NC = No New Hurts. It looks like your setback was due to how she responded to you telling her what it would take to R. No matter how badly you may not want her back as she is now, it still hurts when she tosses you away so quickly in favor of something new and shiny. If you can further limit your exposure to her, do it. She will be back to do this song and dance again once the new relationship ends.

Were you in contact with her for the last 2 years after de divorce?
When you divorced her did you think that was over or did you wanted or had hopes you would get back together?

Were you in contact with her for the last 2 years after de divorce?

Not really, we only had contact about the house we were selling and our minor child. I think this allowed me to get and be stronger because it was essentially NC.

When you divorced her did you think that was over or did you wanted or had hopes you would get back together?

It was over, I didn't think anything other than that. When she reached out to me at the end of last year I could see she was a total mess and I think I kicked into my natural state of being her protector. I thought, I am strong and solid and I can help her find her feet. I really felt I was doing the right thing by trying to get her back on her feet so she can then carry on with her life. I know how wrong and naive that all sounds.

I know what I have to do going forward, which I have started to do. There will probably be further lessons I will need to learn or re-learn along this path.

I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It looks like you are doing a really good job recovering from your divorce and moving forward with your life, specially considering you have a child together.

You have done the hardest part which was the divorce. Two years it is still very recent and it seems like you have been doing really well.

I don't know your story but you probably didn't get married to get divorced, you probably loved your XW so I think it's ok you had a little backstep in your emotional state, be kind to yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve and keep pushing forward to NC and go back to where you were before this. Remind yourself why you divorced her.

Divorce is hard. It takes time to get over the spouse completely because we are bonded to them whether we like it or not.
I think your seeing your ex and having her play with your head threw you for a loop. Her saying "you’re the perfect husband" probably brought back the good memories/feelings you once had in the marriage. Hope rarely dies completely.
Given her actions of finding a new boyfriend tells me, she is NOT AT ALL serious about "doing anything to get back together"
She might have been feeling lonely because her relationship ended. Who knows. But she ain’t true to her words
All experts agree that when meaningful relationships end, we go through withdrawal symptoms very much like addicts do. So when your ex came back with her bs, your withdrawal symptoms returned. It’s like someone handing a drink to an alcoholic. You have to detox again and get strong again. You can do it. Go NC.

I think I'm an idiot! After literal months of NC I spoke with my XWW yesterday evening and I feel worse! Jeez! I only slept 2 hours last night and have no idea how I am going to cope at work today.

I know, I know, I know that NC is the right solution but we spoke last night because I had to arrange for her to look after my son this coming weekend (He spends 5 nights at me and 2 at her, he spends every weekend with me).

Somehow the conversation went to how she could go from begging me to take her back to being in a relationship in a week. It wasn't an angry conversation but I basically told her that the interaction with her at the beginning of the year has really set me back emotionally. JEEZ I am an idiot! I know! My saving grace is that I did say it could never have worked out and that she should have worked on herself.

But now I am left adrift and in such pain. Someone said NC="No new hurt" and that is 100% correct. Somehow I keep letter her hurt me.

So now I feel like I have lost all of the progress I had made over the past 2 years... how the hell did I let that happen. Is it normal or is it just me ?

You lost nothing. It’s a temporary setback.

However it’s not one you will repeat. I have confidence this recent interaction taught you something about yourself. And the XW.

I know it’s painful. But it’s a temporary pain b/c you will realize you heard hollow words. I’m the future her words will mean nothing to you.

You will get to a point of indifference. It just takes time. When you get tired of being her fallback plan and see how she’s just using you, you will not allow yourself to be misled any further.

You cannot change her. You cannot help her. You cannot protect her.

Thank you The1stWife, you're being very kind. I can't help but feel so stupid!

Also, I realize I have no defenses around her. I have loved her deeply since I was 15 (I am 51 now) and I did everything for us. I think the only option I have in this life is NC because without it I have nothing.

Do not in any circumstance share your feelings with the exwife. There is no reason to.

Treat her like you're an addict. It looks like any whiff of the hopium pipe sends you down a rabbit hole. Keep her at arms length, don't overshare, and move yourself forward. Its obvious that after 2 yrs, you're still hung up on this rollercoaster. No more chances with her buddy until you really fix and heal yourself. Hopefully by then, you'll realize you don't want her back.

You know what helped me? Anything I said to him, was shared with the still married girlfriend and she wasn’t going to get any more of me. So I stopped talking and it was the best thing.

Just think, anything you talk about will be shared with the latest boyfriend. Your business, your feelings, your every word. She is not your confidant anymore.

Thanks HalfTime2017/hcsv, I am feeling a lot better today. I think the part that has upset me the most is that I realize how much more healing I still need to do. I genuinely thought I was 'over' her last year but now I see that I still have capacity to get hurt and feel damaged again. It does seem like I can bounce back faster than 2 years ago but it still sucks (alot).

So in summary :
1. It is not over yet, I can still get hurt so be careful.
2. NC is the only way.
3. All is not lost, it is just a setback.

I'm just so surprised that I can feel this much hurt again and it snuck up on me.

I can definitely relate. I’m having a hard time keeping NC. She filed in September after cheating and lying for months. She still calls and texts and even brings her dog over. We have to talk relating to our 16 year old son but she can manipulate me somehow even though she’s been living with her AP for a few months. Friends and family are frustrated when I slip backward. Part of me liked our twenty year marriage and hates to see it end. I am sorry you have reverted back at times. I do too at times. It is easy to look at my stbxw with rose colored glasses but it’s important to remind ourselves of frustrations in the relationship when we slip.

It takes practice to keep healthy boundaries, and your heart can cause a person to waver, but I believe feelings are not to be trusted and you have to follow your gut. Healthy boundaries are important to maintain, otherwise no one would. Have you considered talking with a counselor at all, just to get a second opinion or reaffirm what you already know?