SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s really nice to pop in and see many familiar names still helping others cope with this hell some of us have inflicted on ourselves and others we profess to care about. I am one of the lucky ones. I would love to paint a picture of perfection for those still deep in the trauma but I can’t.

We are still together and we are mostly happy. We definitely love each other. We support each other. We have fun together. I am lucky to still have him in my life.

We both still have triggers. I help him through his the best I can and I don’t talk about mine. I’m sure some of you would say I should talk about it but there is no way that I am going to throw my A in his face if he is having a good day or a good moment. My triggers look like: me being reminded of something from the A and thinking how awful I was and how gross it is that I did whatever or any of it, *shudder* . Then I think about how that will never happen again. And then I think how being so cocky about the impossibility of it happening again could be a recipe for disaster. So then I think about the work I have done and the boundaries I have in place and I am comforted that I am safe and he is safe.

Things are overall really good. There is a slight bit of weirdness though. Knight and I work in the same place now. We handle it well and we actually enjoy it. If feels pretty good he always seems to be proud of me and I am of him as well. I have been asked to take on a leadership role and one of my coworkers has been asked to do it with me. She is a couple decades younger, very pretty and reminds me (and Knight) of myself.We have become good friends and spend a lot of time outside of work together (the 3 of us quite often). The role we are filling is taking a lot of prep time outside of work and we also travel together occasionally as well. Knight is not required (or paid) to travel with us but he likes to go just because we tend to have fun and eat well. I didn't come here to say all this but since I can tell you guys anything here goes. Knight has a crush on my friend. She is separated from her husband because I think he had an A and porn addiction. Knight has not done anything inappropriate at all, nor has she and I don’t believe either of them would. I’m not even mad (occasionally irritated). They both seem to have naturally strong boundaries. Also she has no interest in Knight other than respect and friendship (she is more friends with me). I don’t know what my point is here other than it’s strange seeing my H, who has always only had eyes for me seem to be enamored with someone else. He still treats me as lovely as he always has. I am not suffering and I really can’t blame him. She is smart, funny, beautiful and kind. Again he has not done anything wrong at all. I don’t feel like I should be worried. Should I?

So other than the slight weirdness around here which I’m not bothered about because I enjoy my friend’s company too and we are doing interesting work as well, I am saying things are pretty positive. I would be much happier to report that his triggers were minimal but we still live in the small town where I conducted my A. I would love to move away but Knight says it’s not an option right now. So we deal with the day to day, we deal with the triggers, and we love one another.

Wow, I was just thinking of you, wondering how you've made it through the last couple of years. It must have been hell.

The crush is probably not ideal, but since it's there, I'm glad you're taking it into account.

Thanks for the update.

Wow
Happy for you guys

Btw how long was your affair?

SIsoon, It has been rough at times for sure, but worth it for me. He says he’s glad he stayed in the M as well. I have had so much growth because of this hell, and it was desperately needed, but I wish I would have found any other way to come to see how badly it was needed. It would be great if people could engage in destructive behaviors that only harm themselves to see that they need help and change, or better yet maybe a self improvement fairy could just flit around bopping us on our heads.

Jinkazama, not being snarky at all but…too long. It was a LTA that started as an EA and eventually evolved into a PA. My BH knows the details. It was a few years for all of it.

Again he has not done anything wrong at all. I don’t feel like I should be worried. Should I?

I mean... I would be? At least a little? Just because we've all seen, over and over, how "But he would never" and "Oh, she would never" turn into "I never meant this to happen" and "How could you?"

Attraction is going to happen in life, but a wise person won't feed it. A conversation in the lunchroom at work is one thing. Travel and fancy dinners blur the line. It's easy to edit those memories to where the loyal spouse fades into the background, essentially the chaperone on a one-sided date.

I'm not arguing there's anything wrong yet, or that it would definitely happen. But why risk it? With everything you've gone through, and a crush underway, I would tell him to stay home. Take other trips together that feed his attraction to you instead.

I think it’s positive that the crush is out there in the open. And I think it’s normal to occasionally have the beginnings of a crush on someone else over the course of a long marriage.

But healthy people draw boundaries. Honest people committed to monogamy rein it in and avoid the object of their crush until it passes.

I don’t think that’s an unreasonable expectation to have of your husband, even if you cheated on him before.

My husband cheated on me. It broke me. We are trying to reconcile. Yet I believe we both still have the right to ask each other to hold to healthy, common sense boundaries if the mutual understanding of our relationship is monogamy.

A decade down the road, if we’re still together and I have a crush on someone, I think he has the right to be worried and have an honest conversation about boundaries. Him cheating on me doesn’t give me a pass to damage a relationship we’re trying to repair and build. Two wrongs don’t make a right. They make a bigger fucking mess.

[This message edited by Grieving at 1:01 AM, Monday, February 7th]

Hey girl! Always glad to see you pop in.

So other than the slight weirdness around here which I’m not bothered about because I enjoy my friend’s company too and we are doing interesting work as well,

The majority of your post is about this situation, so I gather you are more bothered by it than you want to admit.

Have you talked to Knight about it?