SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, looking for advice with regards to caring, but overly inquiring, friends and family.

Two months ago, I found out my husband of 12 years cheated on me for 2 years. Not an affair as such, but more a series of hook-ups with one woman when visiting a particular location.

It's been devastating, but we're slowly working on reconciliation. One thing I've found difficult is knowing whether to "out" him to all our friends and family - obviously this would be hugely embarrassing/traumatic for him (hence the appeal :) ), but I'm also aware that it could massively hamper our recovery. The reason I'd rather not tell everyone is because I'm finding it hard dealing with the few people that already know.

When asked, "How is everything going with you two?", although a caring question, it makes me really emotional. I also find that invariably my answer is never sufficient for them, and they'll say he's not doing enough ("I think he'll cheat on you again - you're forgiving him too easily!). It's making this process of forgiveness so much harder for me, as then I start doubting myself again and feeling used.

For what it's worth, I do feel like he is making a big effort and trying hard to regain my trust - for many subtle reasons that I can't articulate well, but including things like being attentive, buying flowers regularly, making sure we do things I enjoy together, etc. But to my best friend, these don't sound nearly enough - she thinks he has huge emotional issues (but then again, she thinks that with almost everyone, including me!) which we're not exploring enough in counselling.

Has anyone else dealt with this and have some stock phrases I could borrow as a response? I like, "We're working on it, but it's a long process". Something vague, so I don't have to go into sensitive and emotional details, only for them to be dismissed as inadequate.

Also, do most couples keep infidelity a secret from those close to them? It's kind of eating me up that I'm now having to also keep his horrible secret, pretend everything's great to his dad, etc...

First, so sorry you are going through this. What to tell/not tell others is hard...

Based on my own personal experience, I recommend 2 things: A therapist if you don't already have one and/or a trusted NONJUDGEMENTAL friend who can support YOU and in whom you can confide - all your emotions/thoughts. Give everyone else "we're working together on some difficult issues (or something vague/general along the lines of what you mentioned). This is NOT to save your WS pain/embarrassment, but to make things easier for YOU. You don't need the judgement of family/friends right now - you just need SUPPORT in finding what is right for YOU.

And I totally get the emotional/revenge appeal of outing him to one and all. And the need to not carry all of this awfulness yourself! But if you continue to reconcile, I believe you also need to consider the repercussions of telling family and friends what an awful thing WS did. Some may then quite willingly "follow your lead" in regard to "reconciling" with your spouse. Others may never feel the same way..... and your relationships with them will change in a way that may be painful for YOU.

You don't know, or probably don't even want to know, the details of your friends' marriages and probably don't feel any right to. So you don't owe anyone else details. But you do need support from a few chosen people in your life. Just think carefully about who those people could/should be. I've never been sure what "telling everyone" gets YOU.

Just my two cents - and believe me this same issue has caused me pain. I told a therapist, my siblings, and 3 close friends. My sibs were great, 2 of 3 friends were so angry about it that it wasn't helpful to me at all. The other only listened and, from the get go, said "I will follow your lead."

I would treat them differently depending on their personalities, our relationship, and the circumstances.

I did first tell my best friend who had experience with her husband's infidelity. She gave me horrible advice at first. Oh well, her situation was different. She has been supportive and great to both me and my WH since. Her friendship means the world to me. For your best friend, I would sit down with her and have a serious talk about what you need right now. It sounds like you want her to be supportive and sympathetic and to listen to you while not giving her advice or judgement. I would say that to her directly. It might be an emotional conversation.

I also told/asked a few friends of my WH and mine directly after D-day, because I believed they knew things I didn't about the situation. Their knowledge helped only a bit, and they weren't helpful in terms of support or advice. We don't talk about it often anymore. If they asked and I didn't want to talk I would say so. I would say something like, "Thanks for asking. I appreciate the concern. We're working on it. Lets talk about something else. I don't want to talk about it right now."

I told some family members, including a few of my brothers and an uncle who is an attorney. I thought I would need their immediate financial and physical help for divorce. That didn't happen. The conversation with my brothers was awkward at one point. We were on our way up to visit for a holiday, maybe Thanksgiving, driving in the car. My WH called my oldest brother on my phone via bluetooth. Usually we tell people right away that they are on speaker, but when my brother answered and my WH replied, we didn't get a chance. It got ugly. Luckily our children were wearing their headphones. After we arrived, I spoke to my brothers together when my WH wasn't there. I said they could say anything they want to me about my POS husband or to him, but he's still the father of my children, and I expected them to be civil around the children. My oldest brother apologized and told me he would support my decisions. And if I was up for it, he had access to some great places to hide a body where they wouldn't be found until spring. He's a conservation officer. I think it was a joke, but it made me feel better. They've repaired their relationships.

Anyway, I think it's best to be careful about who you tell. What do you hope to gain? Based on past experience, do you think they will be supportive of you personally and whatever decisions you make? From reading here, I think BS have an intuitive instinct of who to tell and who not to tell. I would follow that instinct.

I decided to keep family and friends out of the loop.

For me, it worked great.

Not at first, and our counselor told us to do whatever we felt comfortable with, but he did note that adding other opinions on the issue may complicate things.

Sometimes people take sides and it can add to the duress of whatever path you take.

That said, my wife’s family would have been far more harsh than mine, if I had included them in my recovery.

I’m also an intensely private soul. I never told anyone about things in my bedroom when they were going well, no way I’m going to include them when bedroom issues are at the worst either.

All of my experience aside, this is YOUR call and what YOU need.

I never promised my wife anything about who I would tell, but it certainly helped her to heal from her shame, without having folks judge her for her choices.

Thank you so much for your replies. It's really good to know this is a common dilemma, and actually not telling people is in my long-term interest too. I've been mentally rehearsing situations where my family ask how it's going, so I can give a succinct, breezy response, and change the subject. It's almost like I'm too mentally fragile at the moment to hear anyone else's advice. We're in counselling, with a guy - not sure why that matters - but he seems to take my husband's line that the A didn't mean anything, which is a hard pill for me to swallow: why would he risk all that we have for something that doesn't matter?

I just read another thread about someone 5 years along, and saying it still feels just as painful as the first day they found out. That's really depressing to me, and kind of makes me determined to not let this tar so much of my life. I have moments where I think, fuck it, we're just specks in this universe, what does it matter anyway?! It's a bit nihilistic, but feels very liberating!

We all heal at our own pace, it took me a full two years before I really had processed all the pain and started to figure out I was going to be fine, regardless of how the relationship worked out.

I’m not sure I’m good with the dreaded, "It didn’t mean anything," — it generally means it shouldn’t mean anything to YOU either.

That’s not how it works.

And if it did NOT mean anything, why DO it and risk EVERYTHING?

It meant validation.

That needs to be addressed, otherwise, since it didn’t mean anything, and validation is fun, what happens next time someone flirts with your spouse?

They have to figure why they felt the need to be validated by someone outside the M or no work gets done and you’re simply white knuckling through recovery with your fingers crossed.

R takes a lot of work by both people to really rebuild the M.

A little nihilism can add some perspective for sure, but we little specks of the Universe have feelings. And if we don’t process our feelings, they will return and haunt us or worse.

My liberating moment was realizing nothing my wife chose to do reflected on me or my value.

Once we know our value, let go out any specific outcome, the real healing kicks in (or did for me).

started to figure out I was going to be fine, regardless of how the relationship worked out.

I think this is really important for forgiveness - I find myself picturing my life without him now, not in preparation to leave, but just to know I can and I will still be ok.

It meant validation.

That needs to be addressed, otherwise, since it didn’t mean anything, and validation is fun, what happens next time someone flirts with your spouse?

Yes, I don't think we've explored this nearly enough in counselling. I'm actually starting to think our counsellor is a bit useless... he doesn't really get my WH to probe his emotions at all, instead just focuses on practical steps moving forwards.

You've gotten good advice on your question.

I'm going to touch on something else..

Love bombing feels good. That's what he's doing. But what work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

Not an affair as such, but more a series of hook-ups with one woman when visiting a particular location.

Literally the definition of a long term affair. I think part of why talking it out with your friends makes you squirm is because you are minimizing and rugsweeping.

Things to regain your trust are things like, no contact letter sent to AP in front of you. Constant reassurance he wouldn't do it again. Never going to said place that he used to go to. Giving you full access to his electronic accounts and his GPS location. Providing a complete written timeline of the affair so you don't get trickle truthed. All the things we tend to suggest in the Just Found Out forum.

Yes, I don't think we've explored this nearly enough in counselling. I'm actually starting to think our counsellor is a bit useless... he doesn't really get my WH to probe his emotions at all, instead just focuses on practical steps moving forwards.

Unfortunately a very common approach, but not helpful. Some counselors are only aiming for calm and communication to bridge the divide. And these are great tools for a M -- that isn't dealing with infidelity!

Without recognizing the damage caused or WHY they caused it, there is little chance for a WS to change anything.

The focus on your value is a great place to start.

When you operate your decisions from a place of strength, things WILL change, one way or the other.

It takes a while to get our feet back underneath us, so take your time, be kind to YOU.

Oh man. I would highly suggest to anyone reading this that hasn’t told anyone…don’t tell your family. Ever. That will change it all and make a possible R so much more difficult, if not impossible depending on the family.

I wouldn’t recommend telling a friend either unless that friend is as loyal, trustworthy and caring as can be. We told friends and now they aren’t friends. We also told the pastor.

Let me just say this: family, friends and the church is NOT equipped to handle things like infidelity. They just aren’t. Culture dictates that people should always leave no matter what and that is just not reality.

Reality is that a projected 40% of marriages will encounter infidelity at some point. It’s much higher if you believe porn is considered infidelity.

If I could recommend anyone to talk to it would be a professional counselor that deals with infidelity. It took a couple before we found the right one but goddamn is it worth it.

And I think that counselor might save our marriage she’s that good.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is awful. I have a slightly different take. I told a LOT of people. Just not my family or his. Our parents are elderly. My family's treatment of FWH was one of the 1000 cuts that led us down this path (he would be the first to say that was not an excuse for the affair, but didn't help).

We're in a small community. I assume most people I know in town, KNOW. I really don't care. I didn't do anything wrong. FWH knows everyone knows. He can't change what he did....but works hard to show people that he's doing things differently and where his priorities lie. He has REALLY changed from this. There was a time when FWH made a new friend who didn't know....eventually, we found that telling him helped us. The friend had been through a similar experience where he was the BS. He had some insight for FWH to help him, help me. The more I was aware of who knew.....the more I saw that infidelity touches almost everyone in some capacity. I'm not saying that this is "normal" or "right".....because it absolutely stinks. But, it was helpful to see people who had survived and thrived. AND, I suddenly had a posse of friends watching out for us. FWH doesn't deny that it happened if someone questions him.....but only his closest friends ask him. If anything, I've had more support. I've experienced friends rooting for us and doing what they could to rally around us.
And, petty as it sounds, I did reap a little revenge.....when OW started dating a 20 something who fell HARD for her - nearly 20 years younger than she.....one of our mutual friends told him just in time for him to avoid moving in with her. She denied it. He dodged a bullet. And, I won't say that I didn't enjoy the idea that she thought that it was me who told him. But, KARMA.

Frankly, without any family that I could depend on, I needed my friends. I wouldn't have survived without them. It is a very personal decision. I'm sure some people judge me for the choice to stay. I know some people judge him for having an affair. People make mistakes. I'm glad we're in a better place.

The only person I told, other than our IC and MC, was my out-of-town best friend of a million years who is also friends with my H. I didn't tell her until months later, after I had decided to R and I felt like we were going to make it. My husband's sister and parents were told too, for practical reasons (I kicked my husband out on D-Day #2 and he went to stay with his sister briefly).

It's almost like I'm too mentally fragile at the moment to hear anyone else's advice.

'

This was exactly the reason I kept things to myself at first. For myself, I needed to work out what I was going to do without the input of everyone else. I had been leaning towards R but I didn't feel capable of weighing anyone else's opinions at the outset. I was not capable of defending him to anyone - nor did I want to. I was also really struggling with respecting myself as staying with someone who would do this to me didn't mesh well with my pre-existing idea of "what a strong woman did". I needed to come to terms with this before I was willing to share. I didn't feel strong enough to be gossiped about. I didn't ever tell my family because if we ended up staying together (and we did), I didn't want their opinion of my H to be forever changed. I think if I had left, I would have told everyone, but these days I'm more careful about what I say I would do in any situation until I'm actually there because if there is one thing all of this has shown me is that you just never know.

I just read another thread about someone 5 years along, and saying it still feels just as painful as the first day they found out. That's really depressing to me, and kind of makes me determined to not let this tar so much of my life.

I'm almost 5 years out (my D-day anniversary is actually later this week) and I can assure you the pain of this feels NOTHING like it did on the day I found out. It's gone from excruciating, all-encompassing agony to a dull ache that I only feel once in a while. Healing can do that for you. That ache will probably always be there but it doesn't impact me the way it did early on. That is not to detract from the experience of the other poster whose post you are referring to, but I do think it's worthwhile to keep in mind in your path of recovery. For me, it was important to me that I be able to respect myself and my choices (and so I informed my husband that I would only R with someone who would act in a way that allowed me to do this). It was also important for me not to be overcome with bitterness or resentment - I didn't want a marriage if that was part of it. Don't get me wrong, I experience plenty of both on my route to R but keeping that in mind during R was helpful for me.

We're in counselling, with a guy - not sure why that matters - but he seems to take my husband's line that the A didn't mean anything, which is a hard pill for me to swallow: why would he risk all that we have for something that doesn't matter?

I think its important to have a MC that you both like and feel comfortable with. If you're not comfortable with this counsellor, I think its worth shopping around a bit until you get the right fit.

Thanks for these replies.

Interesting that some have found telling others beneficial while others haven't. I've told a few people, and I do struggle with the fact that some others may know and I'm not aware of it, which makes me feel like a phoney by pretending everything's fine to them. But I'm trying to not care about what others think, especially those who have never been through this (like emergent8 says, you just can't predict how you'd act in this situation until you're in it).