SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It WAS extreme, I agree! I couldn't believe how it floored me. I was so ill I lost a stone in weight, was miserable as sin for a year. It was more than just porn but I still accept my reaction was ridiculous. It's just, up to that point when I discovered it all, I just had no clue he would do that kind of thing. It seemed SO unlike the man I'd known 17 years at that point.

Can you not see the disconnect here? He didn't have a physical relationship and it almost destroyed you. Yet, you are fine letting him live his life knowing you have betrayed him in the worst possible way. He literally has no idea who you are and what you are capable of. The lies, the deception, the exposure to STD's, the smirking behind his back, probably bad mouthing him to the OM. It's just flat out disgusting and you act somehow oblivious to what you have done to him.

Actually, I think you are fully aware of what you have done but are more interested preserving yourself and your reputation. I mean, you gave him the third degree about his transgressions and he perceives that you have the moral high ground when, of course, you don't. Why else would you be fine if he divorced you for some reason OTHER than your cheating, but would be hurt if he divorced you because you betrayed him? Stunning.

Devastateddee

You talk a lot of sense. Thank you so much.

Hi,

Another Wayward perspective.

You've received a lot of good advice from both BS and WS please digest and act. Right now BS is not aware of you multiple affairs, he thinks things are fine with your marriage and it's not. He is living a lie and is unaware of this. I understand the self protection, family protection, BS protection etc etc etc. You describe this as saving the marriage! It isn't I assure you. You've had multiple affairs with WS who are also having multiple affairs. The marriage is in serious trouble. Please listen to the advise above. Read Linda Macdonald and take that advice onboard too.

You said your reaction to your BS infidelity was extreme? You describe it as ridiculous, yes, having multiple affairs is not the way to deal with it, but extreme trauma is normal. Being extremely upset when discovering porn use is acceptable. Talking this through and putting boundaries in place this is not an extreme reaction. A response to infidelity is very personal. It hurt you. This, as you and others have said is NOT a reason to have an affair(s). This is a choice of yours, not matter what your BS has done.

Do not write off FOO (family/upbringing) we're discussing this in MC and IC and I was surprised to hear quite how much of our adult feelings/motivations/fears/actions stem from what we see and hear as a child. You may not be consciously thinking, "well my father did this so its OK", I doubt that, but deep down this could be impacting you. Again it's not a reason to have an affair as, there isn't one. Get to a decent IC and talk about this. It does not have to be an abusive childhood.

You need to go FULL NO CONTACT. Get rid of ANY way of contacting, following or checking any AP or their family. Once BS knows about the affair this is a huge must do. Any sign of you checking or contacting AP is devastating. Block their numbers, as DaddyDom says, it is easy. A google search will tell you how. You managed to find multiple ways of hooking up with men, you can find the way to block them too.

Give full access to all e-mail accounts, phones and social media to BS. If he wants to see it let him. DO NOT DELETE before letting him know about the affairs. Hiding evidence and deleting messages and mails is devastating.

Please stick with this site if you need help. You said you're a big girl and want all opinions, you're likely to get a few 2x4 reactions and some brutally honest opinions. Take what is being said onboard.

It was quite upsetting reading your post as a lot hit home as the way I have acted and still act in working on my journey. I have hidden, denied and lied. You're in for a huge shit storm, the guilt and shame you're feeling now will increase as time goes on. You will need this site and IC to help you. Help you in your own metal and physical wellbeing and help you get the answers your BS needs and for you to be safe in a safe marriage.

Be that person you know you can be.

OP - I agree with all of the advice you’ve been given. You must tell your husband what you’ve done. If you handle it appropriately, reading all of the advice available on SI, then you can certainly R and avoid divorce.

I’ll tell you this: If a man says he’s never used porn, fantasized about having sex with other women/escorts/NSA sex then he’s lying. If a man says he’s never fantasized about having sex with one of his partner’s friends, then he’s lying. Of course there are always exceptions, but I’m talking 99%.

And, to be brutally honest, if you don’t believe what I’m saying about men, then you’re living in some fantasy world.

There is absolutely no equivalency in what your husband did snd what you did. You physically cheated multiple times - he did not. What you did as revenge was immature, selfish, uncaring self destructive. You have permanently damaged your personal moral core. Again - there is absolutely no equivalency in what he did snd what you did.

Come clean, tell the entire truth, and work your butt off in R. You can do this. If you take your secret to the grave, it will eat at you like a cancer, and then turn on your marriage as a greater cancer.

IMO, your marriage faces a greater risk of divorce by hiding these secrets then by coming out and telling the truth.

Nothing much to add to the excellent advice and thoughts you have received from the wise, veteran posters here.

However, from my old Wayward perspective:

You MUST confess to your husband.

I wish you the very best and I am glad you found the courage to post here for help!

[This message edited by Klaatu at 5:23 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

So what's your plan?

I don't have a plan. I feel almost dizzy with it all. Still doing some deep deep thinking. I am a nightmare.

Om the upside, since I made the decision to join this site, I have not contacted or replied to current AP and I feel very paranoid and worried about hubby finding out. Although in reality how could he? These guys with the exception of OM3 never had any knowledge of my life. Not even my surname! Never. They would tell me alllll about their lives and I'd listen, but not share. So I dont know why I'm so worried.
Still thinking I can just stop this now and no harm done

He could stumble on your internet history. Or hire a PI if he is suspicious.

The JFO forumnis filled with BS who found out,and their WS thought they would never be caught.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:06 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

No harm done?

You have done a tremendous amount of damage. To yourself, your husband,your marriage,your family, and the OM's family.

The damage you have done to yourself is probably the only damage you are concerned with,right now.

You can not possibly continue to be married to your husband, without him knowing. Surely,your conscience will get to you. It will eat you up.

Your marriage is sitting on a crumbling foundation. You have to know this.

The first step in repairing this damage,is to tell your husband. Why doesn't he get to know who his wife is? Every time he tells you he loves you,is a lie. Because he loves who he thinks you are,not who you really are. You deserve to be loved for who you are.

Still thinking about that poor seven month pregnant woman…

These guys you’re laying with are sick, disgusting. Don’t you deserve something better? He’s laying there bitching about his pregnant wife snoring…

How does that make you feel?

You have an addiction. These walks on the wild side are a thrilling escape but after the high your laying there in self disgust.

Like any addiction its self destructive on so many levels.

You know this is no way to live which brings you here. You’re an intelligent woman who’s tough and knows how to take punches (hence no stop sign). You know what you must do and you know you’re capable of doing it.

You’re living in an unsustainable self destructive toxic limbo that’s going to come to a head.

You know all this.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:26 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

BS here.

I also cant even imagine telling him!
He has NO idea. Thinks everything is absolutely great, always saying to me that I am the love of his life. Every day.
I want to stop cheating but my plan is to do that and not tell hubby anything. I cant see why he needs to know. He would divorce me. Instantly.

You are not telling him to protect YOURSELF. It isn't about him, it's about YOU not wanting to be uncomfortable or face those pesky consequences.

If hubby left me for a different reason other than discovering my affairs, then I'd be ok in time. If he found out about the affairs and left me because of that, I'd find that much harder to deal with.

So, if HE decided to leave you for his own reasons, then your victimhood remains intact. While if you told him you had been deceiving him in the worst possible way for the last 5 years and then he decided to leave you because of your decisions, that is not okay. Here again, you seem to want to dodge any and all consequences. And you can't - sooner or later they will catch up to you.

I am baffled that she doesnt know what her husband is truly like. How he truly feels and the things he says and does. They seem so happy, and that's great, but the depth of his deception astound me.

Wowza. Your husband doesn't know what you're truly like. He says you're the love of his life and everything is great, but the depth of your own deception doesn't register with you?

Still, OM3 and 5 have my mobile number and I'm not sure I can block. It seems so final and I'm left back where I started.

You can block, you just don't want to. And the reason you're back to where you started is because you tried to solve that original issue with all these other guys instead of solving the issue. Alllllll this messing around was just you not wanting to face any sort of discomfort or make hard decisions as it relates to your marriage, IMHO.

Lonely and unfulfilled despite on paper, being married to mr perfect who is smart, very successful, wealthy, handsome, hugely affectionate and family focused. Doesnt drink, smoke, watch footy, gamble, go out. It's just work and family for him. Most women would love this but I'm so bored of it. How childish of me.

If YOU feel lonely and unfulfilled, you need to dig into that. It isn't your spouse's responsibility (or your kids or your family or anyone else for that matter) to make YOU feel a way inside YOU. Happiness and fulfillment are internal things and they are the responsibility of each individual.

Its such a mess. I hate this and I DO blame him for starting us on this path. He did that. I took it too far though.

I'm not downplaying the damage that his actions caused or downplaying the pain you felt as a result of them. That's on him to own that part. But what he did does NOT excuse what you've done and the choices you've made.

my affairs saved me.saved him from the alternative which was me leaving. Saved my marriage and my sanity.

How do I stop? I cant seem to put the brakes on

I still love hubby but he opened a pandoras box that I just cant seem to close now.

What should I do. I see no clear way forward.

I quoted all these like this because you saying your affairs saved your marriage and your sanity are completely disproved by all these other thoughts - those other thoughts don't sound like sane thoughts really do they?

You're in a mess right now no doubt. But it's up to you to decide how you want to dig out of it and what kind of person you want to be going forward. That starts with you getting real with YOU and owning your choices. It's gonna be a really hard time for you, and a really hard time for your husband and your family too, I won't sugarcoat that.

I'm back and this time I want to throw in my 2 cents. You will continue to cheat on your husband and ultimately you will most likely get caught. It may be tomorrow or ten years from now. Also, ultimately you will meet an AP where your emotional investment will be reciprocated. What happens then? AP3 didn't feel that way but AP12 might.

You have really fucked up big time. I doubt you will tell your husband anything and I doubt that you will stop your cheating for an extended period of time. Your guilt has brought you to this forum, but I see minimal concern for your husband other than your married life will be shattered if he finds out.

You might be able to pull off this deception for the balance of your marriage. I am sure there are WSs that do it. On the other hand, it's likely you will eventually make a fatal mistake and all hell will break loose. That is especially likely when one of your affairs develops an emotional component. Your behavior is long past seeking revenge. It has become a high that you can't shake.

You desperately need therapy with a counselor versed in infidelity. You must go NC with your present AP's. You must delete all apps that provide the opportunity for infidelity. These are the minimum steps. If you can't do these things, please consider ending this facade of a marriage.

Should you tell your husband? I agree with most of the people who posted, but maybe not for the same reason. If you don't suffer the consequences of what you have done, it is unlikely that you will change your behavior for an extended period of time. You may pat yourself on the back and think you have now controlled your compulsion, but I suspect it will be only a temporary state. You will revert back to cheating at some point down the line. You must witness firsthand the hurt and betrayal your husband will experience before what you have done really sinks in. No way, no how do you feel the dept of your betrayals right now. Your posts just don't reflect it. I am a BS and your story was truly hard for me to read. I feel sad for the two of you. There is no easy way out of this mess.

Still here. I don't know why the guilt has suddenly hit me like a steam train after 2.5 years of this behaviour. I'm so confused.

I'm clear on a couple of things though. I'm done with this, that much I do know. I have no compulsion to talk to any men and the thought of sneaking out on a date now fills me with anxiety. I dont want to do this anymore.

I never meant for it to even happen. After hubby's betrayal I joined a site called mumsnet. Just wanted advice, desperately needed some perspective. The women there really helped me in such dark dark times. Then a guy private messaged me on mumsnet. Didnt even know men were on there! We got chatting, for months. Just friends, no sexting or flirting. I didnt fancy him at all but loved the chat, the connection. For the first time since the hurt and pain had taken over, I felt something different. The pain eased. The anger eased. I had a distraction and it pulled me out of the dark hole that even medication had not touched. It worked wonders. He worked wonders. Then one night I thought to my stupid self, imagine having this connection with someone in actually fancy! And stupid stupid me put my plan into action that night. That's how I ended up on ashley Madison.

The past 2.5 years have not been fun, overall. Just gave me more shit to deal with emotionally but it did stop me obsessing over what hubby had done. I just didnt care anymore. My distractions took all of my head space, no room for pain or tears anymore.

Now, I'm here. I have a few fond memories of a few nice moments but in reality, falling for AP3 broke my heart. I still pine for my version of him to this day. The real him is a nasty toxic cess pit but my version of him, I adore. That said, i never reach out to him and our last conversation was me telling him to leave me alone. Which he has.

All i really know now is that this nonsense is done. I have got it out of my system and i want my marriage. Hubby is volatile and would never ever forgive me. I cant tell him what I've done but I can spend my days from here on being the wife he deserves. I want to try. I hate who I've become. I'm smart enough to know I will get caught if I continue. I dont even want to continue. I'm not even that highly sexed, so it wasnt that and besides, me and hubby have a good sex life. What was I looking for? I truly dont know. Sorry for the ramble

This is what you said the other day:

"….Lonely and unfulfilled despite on paper, being married to mr perfect who is smart, very successful, wealthy, handsome, hugely affectionate and family focused. Doesnt drink, smoke, watch footy, gamble, go out. It's just work and family for him. Most women would love this but I'm so bored of it. How childish of me. I think I womt learn until I lose it all."

He cruised porn, websites, some other things it seems short of any emotional or physical affair.

You hooked up with multiple guys for years and fell in love with one of them, who you now know to be a cesspool.

Now you call your husband volatile.

Don’t you think he should be entitled to divorce you, if that’s what he wants? Do you have any respect for the man?

You will never be the wife he deserves. Never. He doesn't even know who you are.

You want to remain in a marriage,in which the foundation is a pile or shit. Shit starts to stink,after awhile

You think you've been smart enough not to get caught. So does every WS. 5 men. That's 5 men that have your texts on their phone. 5 wives who could come across those texts,hire a PI,and eventually find you.

I find your inability to recognise these wives as actual people,quite disturbing.

You fell for a cheating husband. A man who has done far worse to his wife,than what your husband did to you.

You need therapy. I don't say that to be mean. But,unless you are a narcissist, this secret will be impossible to live with.

You’ve heard from some BS now, me included. I know you’re not gutless, but I do suggest you ask the mods for a stop sign. There are several amazing former waywards on this site. You have heard from Daddy Dom. There are others who post including Brave Sit Robin. If you are ready to take advice they will give good advice. You won’t spend all your time responding to the likes of me, and can really work towards some change.

OP - can you specifically articulate why you consider what your husband did as a betrayal. He looked at porn and checked out some woman on websites. Is there anything more than this?

Why is this important? Because betrayal is a very strong word. It’s the justification you used to cheat.

If it’s just this, do you truly consider this a betrayal of you and your marriage?

Or, was cheating something you were considering all along snd this was the final push for you?

I think you need to be very honest in looking at this.

I do understand that some woman consider that their husband looking at porn is cheating, although I do not agree with this position at all. Is this your position? Is it your assertion that he cheated because he looked at porn snd other woman online?

I am glad that you are here and I am glad that you are sticking this out thus far. I know it can be very difficult to hear the truth so bluntly.

What is it about your marriage that you want now that was boring you before? What has changed? If your husband is so volatile and incapable of forgiveness, why do you want this marriage? What kind of wife do you think he deserves and what kind of wife do you think you can be holding on to such a big betrayal?

Why is the OM a cesspool now? Is it because he is a liar, is it because the relationship was build under false pretenses? Is it because he was not showing you his true self?

These issues are all the same with your marriage. It doesn’t have to be that way though. You will be amazed at how freeing it is to have honesty between the two of you. Yes, he will be angry and yes, he may divorce you. He has that right to decide that. He has the right to know who he is married to, except I imagine that is part of the problem. You don’t know who he is married to right now either. Exposing that puts you in a very vulnerable position and that is frightening.

You came here for a reason. What is that reason deep down? Was it to find someone that will agree with the decisions you are making? Was it to get guidance on how to stop your affairs? Was it to feel an "appropriate amount" of shame based on responses you have been given? Or is it to be able to make real and necessary changes in your life to become a safe partner again? Your answer can be none of these, maybe even all of these. When you are able to answer that, however you need to then ask yourself if you are ready to do the real work of making changes in your life. There is no get out of jail free card. Making changes requires a deep understanding of yourself. You have to be able to recognize all of the unflattering and ugliness deep down. You need to be honest and vulnerable. You need to get really uncomfortable.

What are you ready and willing to do?

I never meant for it to even happen.

I get that you want to believe this but after FIVE men, I just don't believe it.

All i really know now is that this nonsense is done. I have got it out of my system and i want my marriage. Hubby is volatile and would never ever forgive me. I cant tell him what I've done but I can spend my days from here on being the wife he deserves. I want to try. I hate who I've become. I'm smart enough to know I will get caught if I continue. I dont even want to continue. I'm not even that highly sexed, so it wasnt that and besides, me and hubby have a good sex life. What was I looking for? I truly dont know. Sorry for the ramble

Ok, it's becoming clear to me that you don't love your husband and you certainly don't respect him in the slightest. So, you can try to be the great wife but it will be a lie. You now it's a lie. You even said you hate who you have become. Not having additional affairs doesn't change that at all. It IS who you are and will continue to be who you are until the truth is revealed. Until you come clean or get caught, the information he needs to decide his path in life is being withheld from him by the very person that claims to want the marriage. Do yo think he'll see it that way? Every single additional day the truth is hidden, the damage to your relationship grows.

Like many waywards, I'm guessing that you will soon disappear because you can't handle the truth that nearly everyone on this board is telling you. I am sorry for your situation but I fear that your husband is going to continue living a life totally blind to what has been done to him, unaware that the person next to him in bed is his biggest betrayer.

Marriage is meant to be about honesty. Your spouse is supposed to be the person you can tell anything and can trust with your deepest secrets and thoughts.

How are you the wife your spouse deserves if you are hiding so much from him? Where is the honesty and emotional intimacy between the two of you?

What does marriage mean to you? Is it just about a lifestyle and sex?

There are going to be times again in your life where you are bored, or when your spouse isn't paying you the attention you need, or when a new and interesting person comes along. Right NOW you feel like you aren't going to do this again. What safeguards will you take to ensure you won't do it again? It's very easy to repeat destructive coping mechanisms when there are no consequences.

Even if you're only thinking about yourself- don't YOU deserve better than having a marriage where you and your spouse don't truly know each other? Don't you want that deep, intimate connection? Why settle for less?