SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm naturally a forgiving person ... Im just sick of feeling this way and sick of not being able to stop thinking about it and looking at the worst.

i'm curious what a "forgiving person" looks like to you? (to me, it doesn't look anything like what you've outlined in your post about yourself).

if you're sick of how you're thinking and feeling there's an easy solution to that-- quit doing it.

if you can't do it alone, reach out to a qualified therapist asap.

3 things you are in control of--
1. your response to your own feelings (your attitude)
2. what you hold on to (the information you feed your soul)
3. what you let go of (your kindness and grace)

wishing you and your family peace and wellness, sunny

GC: I hope you are still reading, processing and got yourself into IC.

If I may, please remember that we all do the best we can for where we are at. A few thoughts.

1. This applies to both you and your wife. If she is reading and doing what she can, a little appreciation from you can go a long way.

2. This site tends to load BS with all of the expectations, and tough talk. Those voices can overload the "please help my situation" request very easily. As is often said here in many forms, take what fits and leave the rest.

3. Forgiveness! Some days, that word can be like the other four letter word, time. It is something that is for you. She can not change the past or fix you. She can provide a safe place, and if she is reading "how to help…" and showing empathy she is doing what she can.

4. The other big one is Acceptance. Personally I find I have to come back to this one every now and again. There seems to be some thing new that requires attention every so often. I’m only 6 years out but still got hit with this last month. Not sure how I got there but suddenly I was really sad because I was not my wife’s last first kiss.

5. Do not be looking for a fight, recognize the hurt underneath it. Share the hurt, don’t beat her up about when she got a new wedding ring. Be appreciative that she jumped to it because it meant some to you. Honestly, that may not have even been a thought which crossed her mind. As a personal example, I do work hard to be a good partner, however I do miss some big things for which my wife gets upset. The problem is, and like you, she believes if she has to tell me, then I am doing it out of obligation. So it’s a real catch 22! I do not think that way so it doesn’t cross my mind and I can’t know because she does not tell me. Woof! That’s a mess!!!!

6. Anxiety & Depression- Heavy topics and both are very difficult to deal with in a mate. If your wife is heavy on either/both, you will need to factor that in to your actions and I would say expectations but I heard those are the precursor for disappointment.

Good luck to you, and truly, you are stronger and further along than you believe. Feel it for as long as you need. Mourn! Share and ask for support. Just don’t put your healing on her.

I think it’s important to understand what made her change her mind. What is her answer?

I think I had a very similar affair. I know in your other post you talked about how your wife is a pushover, not many boundaries, etc. Me too. I have worked hard on that, nothing is ever perfect and I am still not where a normal person with those things should be.

But I am better because I am self aware enough to know when I am compromising and why. In our marriage I deferred to him always to the point I didn’t really have an awareness of my wants and needs. That’s not his fault at all, my husband is a good man and wanted me to be happy. Always asked for my feedback. This was not a product of our relationship, it was a product of me.

When I finally felt the fallout of that I wanted out. But people like me (codependent) couldn’t leave a relationship without something to fall back on. I didn’t feel seen but I wasn’t making myself seen.

The problem that I had in our relationship was created mostly by me.

I am deeply remorseful. I am very much in love with my husband today. But I show up in the relationship now. I am aware of what I want and need. I communicate that.

I would reckoned therapy. It could be she hasn’t done that and it keeps you feeling a lack of growth which keeps your red flags up. Or you have not yet reached acceptance that her affair wasn’t about you at all. Perhaps there is some residual shame for staying after such a level of disrespect. It may be a good time to do marriage counseling as well to help
with communication and to help strengthen your bond.