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Hellfire and Bulcy… our MC seems to be great for both of us. She called me out on BS but in a professional way. She was very interested in getting to the bottom of why I had my affair and getting us back to where we want to be in our marriage. I suggest if you have not already to find a different MC. Sounds like they are not really talking their job seriously

Gainingclosure… our stories are very similar. I am sorry you are going through this. I say that because I am truly seeing what I have or my husband through all these years. It is good to hear it from someone else as well because sometimes we tend to get defensive and just think our betrayed spouse needs to get over it. I mean it was 16 years ago. That is how I handled it in the beginning and I am now seeing what damage I have really caused not only our marriage but his mental health as well. Even during the early stages of his relapse I was still not sincere in our healing and was doing the trickle truth method. I always blamed it on not wanting to hurt him more which was partly true but a lot of it was to protect my image so that he didn’t look at me even worse. I was again more worried about myself than him. This is a hard pill to swallow and I am really working hard on our recovery. Our MC calling me out really helped as well. We are finally starting to see the light in our recovery. We have a long road ahead and I realize that before he can ever trust me again but I am willing to put in the work. I am hopeful for you that your wife wants to keep the marriage and will put in the work. I know it sounds bad but this relapse has actually brought us closer together because we have really dug deep into our issues and starting to do the work. I hate how I handled things, how terrible of a person I was, and what I did to my family. I wish you happiness

I'm 12 years put from dday,reconciled. No MC needed. My husband owned his shit,did IC, and our marriage was good before he took a shit on it.

Why did you cheat?

our marriage was good before he took a shit on it.

This is very often the case. The therapeutic community seems to be acknowledging it more and more.

As many of us suspected this is probably the case much more often in infidelity situations than that there was actually a bad marriage before the infidelity.

After infidelity, obviously it is a shit show. But it seems increasingly likely that in the majority of infidelity situations, there was a good marriage a wayward chose to take into dark territory. The saying about "50 percent of marriage problems owned by each party" probably needs to be scrapped because it onscures this truth.

That is rough to acknowledge but it probably needs to be recognizedhere on SI more and more.

[This message edited by Thumos at 8:16 PM, Saturday, December 11th]

No 2x4s by BSs. CuriousObserver will no longer be posting in the Wayward Side.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:57 PM, Tuesday, December 14th]

BS here,

I think you're making a decent effort. Others have pointed out some areas you may want to focus on like proactively getting the lie detector test, etc.

As a BS I can tell you that the hardest thing for many of us to overcome is not the length of the affair, who it was with or even the affair itsself. Yes, those elements are painful, but for many of us it's the effort that was put into the affair. WS often go to great lengths for their APs. The planning, logistics, 'plate-spinning', juggling and energy expended is what gets to a lot of us. Energy and effort, given freely to the AP and with reckless abandon, we've rarely if ever seen in our relationships with our WS.

Also, there are the risks, professional and personal, they take in order to carry on that gnaws at many of us as well. You stated you had sex with your AP 4-5 times but only met once outside of work. I take it that you were having sex at the work place? Consider the risks you were taking. Doing things at the work place is, sorry to say, nuts. Hindsight being 20/20 I think it's safe enough to assume you'd agree with that assessment. If you'd been discovered the results would have been catastrophic, but you did it repeatedly, like many other WSs. Also, you stated that the affair ended 16 years ago, but later said you left the job 5 years ago? So, you were there with AP, and anyone else who may have known/enabled for 10 years after? How do you think that made your BH feel? He probably felt as I and many others have felt, like the second fiddle. The consolation prize that gets settled for.

I want to suggest that being a good wife and mom, being present and involved is a good start, but it may not be enough. It shouldn't present too much of a challenge to be involved in your family's lives at this stage and it's what should have been happening from the start. You may want to find ways to really put forth energy and effort, comparable to what you gave AP, to your family.

For your husband, most men respond well to acts of service as long as they're consistant and genuine. You may want to introduce some new things into the bedroom, slowly, being mindful of him getting triggered. Plain vanilla sex in a plain brown wrapper probably may not really do it for him. He may enjoy it, but in the back of his mind he may be thinking you put more enthusiasm into your time with AP, whether true or not. But not just the bedroom. Does your BH get to come home to a clean and orderly house? Yes, I know you probably work a full time gig too, but if the house is straight, despite you having a full day already, I think it will show that you're putting extra effort into your relationship. Does he get to come home to a good, stick to the ribs meal, at least occasionally? I know it can be difficult, but again it show effort as long as it's consistant. In all ways for your BS and kids, if they're still home, try to dig deep and CONSISTANTLY go that extra mile. Show him with your actions that you WANT to be there. It may not be easy, but I think it will be worth it in the end. Good luck!

...I never did anything to fix what was wrong. I was always hateful and a bear to be around. I wasn’t very involved in family activities and everyone was miserable around me. I almost permanently lost my relationships totally with my kids. Yes I have changed recently and have become a better person.

How recently have you changed and what happened to force you to change?

By BW79: I messed up and don’t deserve him but I want to change for the better and make him happy again. Any advice?

So, I couldn't even get past the last line in your opening post (see above).

Firstly, quit labeling yourself as a bad wife (demoralizing and depressing).

Secondly, we are ALL DESERVING OF LOVE (including you).

Lastly, you cannot MAKE your husband happy (his happiness is his responsibility).

My advice is to focus on this: "I want to change for the better".

POSITIVE CHANGE is GOOD-- keep that up!

(Edit: I just now saw the other threads by BW79. My question was answered there.)

[This message edited by becomingaware at 2:39 PM, Monday, December 27th]

With respect to what triggered your husband, have you periodically returned to or still visit/shop at the scene of the crime?

After D day, did you ever return to the store with your kids while the OM was still working there?

Is your husband aware of your attempts (or what he thinks may be your attempts) to track the OM on social media, inquire about his marital/business status, or stroll down memory lane by visiting the store where you had sex?

If you visit the store, do you think of the sex/OM? Under the circumstances, how could you not be reminded? And if you are truly ashamed at your behavior, why would you ever go back?

Has your husband shared how that makes him feel; or why he suspects you still have feelings for the OM (and he's plan B)?

Firstly, quit labeling yourself as a bad wife (demoralizing and depressing)

It's also honest. If you read her posts,she has not been a good wife, and she admits it. I see her name as an attempt to be honest,and that should be applauded. Just because she's been a bad wife,doesn't mean she can't fix her shit,and become a good wife

Secondly, we are ALL DESERVING OF LOVE

I disagree. People who are actively abusing,do not deserve to be loved by those they are abusing.

Lastly, you cannot MAKE your husband happy (his happiness is his responsibility).

I agree with this. She can not MAKE him happy. But a cheating spouse,who has lied to their spouse for 16 years, and been a miserable person to be around, can sure as Hell make a spouse unhappy. It is up to him to decide if he wants to see if she will finally be honest now. I think he is giving her that chance. I hope she realizes what a tremendous gift that is.

Firstly, quit labeling yourself as a bad wife (demoralizing and depressing)

It's also honest. If you read her posts,she has not been a good wife, and she admits it. I see her name as an attempt to be honest,and that should be applauded.

I see it as a method of manipulation.

She TTed her husband. She wanted to give the impression that he knew everything. She had to reinforce this impression with the nickname she chose, especially when her husband is here. She can't be expected to pick a nickname like "proudtobecheater" or "chasingbelovedAP".

They used this place as a messaging platform with each other. WS pretended to seek the opinions of the other members, but actually trying to convey to her BS how sorry she was for what she had done and how much she loved him etc. And her BS also said how hurt he was. So basically, the conversations they had probably had over and over among themselves have moved here.
If someone comes to the wayward forum and writes as if they were just caught cheating and talking to their BS instead of to third parties, the first thing that comes to my mind is; "his/her BS is here". I don't find this very helpful. That's why I think this place should stay private.

After all, she wasn't honest with her husband and everyone here. As it is often suggested here; we should look at actions, not words.