SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It sounds like there was no other way out of infidelity - this was your only possible path given his actions. I am sorry he did not step up and do the work to try to fix himself. But you know, victims get comfortable being victims. They almost like it. The same crappy coping tools he used his whole life are the same ones he is using now.

This won’t sound or feel good, but at least he didn’t drag you through an extended false R. As bad as this is, hopefully he will be non-confrontational and non-aggressive as you D. Please look after you and be sure to think about the long game— look at the division of assets with your long term future in mind. Take care of you and settle for nothing less than what you are entitled to and in the way most advantageous for you long term (eg maybe you want to give up less of your 401k but let him have the car )…. This is a strategic business decision and you need to do your best to leave emotion out. He can figure out his own future— that is his choice.

You;ve been a rock star throughout— you are doing great. Keep taking care of you and know that you will have such a different perspective in a year or two. You got this.

I wonder why he is such a coward.

I’d be curious to understand that part.

The first wife:
I am trying to understand that part myself. If he really didn’t want D one would think he would be doing everything possible to try and reconcile. You made an interesting comment in previous post that maybe he is in love with the AP. Even though it was all online supposedly, and she is a paid "mistress" maybe he is just that delusional or in love with the idea of someone else or someone that will call him " my king". But he just won’t speak about any of this in any detail so I have no idea what is in his head and I probably never will.

Has he always been conflict avoidant or is he just one of those guys who can't bear any criticism at all?

CT he has never been good at conflict and has always tried to avoid it and when it happens and he can’t avoid it his answer is generally to completely blow up and lose it. The inability to tolerate or accept any criticism at all for anything started a couple years ago.

D63

I’m sorry you are having to add this frustration to your life, on top of the affair trauma.

It’s possible he knows this whole thing sounds crazy and ludicrous, but he’s so addicted to the affair he can’t or won’t stop.

So it is easier to just not talk about it acknowledge it to you b/c he knows it’s ridiculous.

Even if the above is true, I don’t know what you should go about it.

From my experience I can tell you if he doesn’t have consequences it will make it easier to cheat again or even further hide the current affair.

I just don’t know what your options are at this time.

D seems like the only solution to get yourself out of this nightmare. Sorry to say.

bump per OP request.

My court date is tomorrow. We have both signed a settlement agreement so barring anything from drastically going wrong I should be divorced tomorrow. The wave of emotions I am experiencing today is overwhelming. Although I know there is no other way forward out if this, and I knew this day was coming, it is just so hard.

Any advice or words of wisdom from anyone on how to get through these next days?

[This message edited by Devasated63 at 6:51 PM, Wednesday, August 17th]

I'm sorry it came to this. He never gave you anything to work with. There's no way to reestablish emotional intimacy with a person who won't own their shit, and once you've been intimately betrayed like that, the marriage won't heal without it. HE chose this through avoidance, passivity, and perfidy. I'd never listen to a single blame-shifty word to the contrary about it either.

We'll be thinking of you tomorrow and holding you up in spirit. ((hugs))